by Mia Ford
The cool liquid slides down my throat, going some way to warming me up, but it doesn’t calm my thoughts. This will be the biggest decision that I’ve ever made in my life and I really don’t want to mess it up. Deciding whether or not to leave the band that I’ve spent my whole adult life in, venturing off in to territories unknown, it’s terrifying. I don’t even know where I’d go or what I’d do. Is it easier to stick with what I know?
“Hello,” a friendly voice purrs beside me. “Mind if I sit here?”
I shrug, not even making eye contact with the person speaking to me. I feel her sit beside me and I silently pray that she isn’t going to be chatty. I’m struggling enough to make up my mind without her making it worse.
“What are you drinking there?” She sidles closer to me, making my worst nightmare come true. “Looks nice.”
I point to the bottle and try to turn away ever so slightly, just to give her a silent message, but it’s missed.
“You look like someone I know. Have I met you before? Or are you famous… oh wait! You’re that guy.”
I roll my eyes and try to ignore her. There’s nothing worse than someone making it obvious that they’re just interested in you for who you are. I know that it’s true for most people anyway, but being blatant is a turn off.
“Yes, you’re the guy from the band. The hot one. The one who likes fooling around with his fans.”
“I would just like to have a drink in peace, please,” I reply gruffly. “I need some space.”
“What’s it like being in a band?” She completely ignores me. “Is it really fun?”
“Please, I just want some time by myself…”
“I have always wanted to be famous, you know. I don’t know what for because I can’t sing or dance or anything. I might be good at acting, I’m not sure. I have a YouTube account, of course, who doesn’t? But that’s a hard market to crack, you know? Although if I could get someone like you on it!”
I watch her out the side of my eyes, texting furiously. She’s probably telling all of her friends that I’m here so they can mob me, which definitely isn’t what I want. I need to finish this drink and get out of here quickly.
“Right, well good luck with your… whatever it is. I need to leave now.”
She leaps off her chair and practically wraps herself around me, which really isn’t ideal. I try to peel her off me but she’s stuck like glue. From past experience I’ve learned that going outside and reminding these girls that they are in public helps them to remember themselves. It doesn’t often end in drama.
“No, don’t go yet,” she says, panicked. “Just wait a couple more moments.”
“No, I don’t want to wait for your friends. I’m not being rude; I need to leave…”
She narrows her eyes curiously at me. For a second, I wonder if she was messaging her friends after all.
“I just need you to stay for a little bit longer. It won’t be long, I promise.”
She peers over my shoulder and smiles. That to me suggests that her mates have arrived.
“I’m leaving. I need to go right now. I don’t want to be here any longer.”
I keep my eyes down so I don’t see her friends and I break my way out into the fresh air, glad of the escape. I assume that she’s stayed behind with her friends, until I feel her hands snake around my waist. I turn to give her a shocked look, which is when she grabs my cheeks and she pulls her mouth down to hers and she kisses me.
I’m stunned, frozen, even more so when flashes burst out everywhere.
This isn’t a coincidence; I tell myself determinedly. This is who she was messaging. The press.
I should have known, she is a wannabee, she’s willing to do anything to get to the top, and using me in her plight won’t bother her at all.
“Well, you’ll be famous now,” I declare, disgusted, as I pull back. “Everyone will be talking about you. I bet your YouTube channel will get lots of hits now.”
She actually looks happy, as if this is a compliment. “You think so?”
She turns to face the camera and puts on a beaming smile. I have to hand it to her, she’s going to go far if she carries on the way she is. She will just trample on a lot of people to get there and end up with no friends.
Mind you, who am I to talk about no friends? Look at me right now.
I shake my head, sadness coursing through my veins, and I walk off leaving her in her moment in the sun. Let her enjoy her fifteen minutes of fame, even if it is at my expense. She can grow while I fade away, if that’s what I decide in the end. A normal life without the fame and the cameras, but one that’s filled with uncertainty. Am I ready for that?
27
ADDISON
I stare at the picture of Jace in the newspaper, trying to process what I’m seeing. It’s almost soul destroying to see this, but I can’t feel anything at all. I’m numb, there’s not even one emotion inside of me, which is weird. I should be collapsing on the ground, sobbing and messy, I should be falling apart, but I’m still standing. I don’t know if this is strength though or if it’s something else.
“Okay, so Jace has another girlfriend, clearly,” I tell myself, needing to make it as real as possible. “He’s kissing another woman, they seem to have a strong chemistry between them, so… we really are done.”
I nod, making myself be okay with that. I knew as soon as he left that we wouldn’t make our way back to one another, that we’d had our second chance and blown it, but this is confirmation. It’s done.
“Addison?” Sandra peeks her head around the door and gives me a half smile. Everyone seems unsure about me these days, ever since I came back to work. I have to assume that Luke has caused this, but I can’t blame him. Either he’s worried or he’s after my job, I haven’t worked it out just yet. “Can I talk to you?”
“Of course you can.” My voice sounds all gravelly and weird. “Come in.”
She takes the seat opposite me and eyes the paper in my hands. A national one, not ours. I’m always reading these, we need to keep on top of all the news whether it affects us directly or not. But I guess it hasn’t gone unnoticed that I’m more than a little obsessed with Jace. I can’t help myself.
“I’m just finishing up the research that Luke asked me to do on Jace Fairs.”
“Mmm.” I can’t form words. My brain is buzzing with terror and pain. This feels all kinds of wrong.
“He wanted me to do a relationship time line on the side, as an extra piece.”
“Errr.” I have lost the ability to even think. I know what’s coming, it’s like a tsunami, the wave is heading my way and I can’t stop it however hard I try. Not that I’m really trying…
“And I found out that you… knew him back in college.”
“How?” I rasp, just about managing to get one word out.
“I discovered a picture of you online through a friend’s social media account. I haven’t told anyone yet, I’m the only person who knows, I just wanted to talk to you about it all…”
I can see the sympathy in her eyes. She knows it all, everything. I don’t have any secrets from her anymore. I knew that she would be good, I could see the talent within her the moment I spotted her, but now that’s backfired. Her instincts have told her that Jace’s recent visit here has something to do with my current state. I feel raw and muddy in front of her, like I’m lying out on the table naked for her to see it all.
“I don’t know what to say. I just… I don’t…”
“I’m not going to include you in my story, that isn’t why I’m here. Sorry, I probably should have led with that. It isn’t what I’m doing at all. I just wanted to check in on you, to see if you’re okay.”
“I…” A tear falls. Fucking hell, now the emotion hits me. Perfect.
“I’m sorry, Addison. I think I’ve done the wrong thing coming to you. I just didn’t want to sit on the information and know that you’re hurting. Then do nothing about it. That isn’t me. I’m sure you have an amazing
support group around you, but I just want you to know that I’m here if you need me.”
She jumps up, acting on impulse, and she throws her arms around me. I fall into her embrace and silently weep. I do have Luci, thank goodness. I almost lost her through all of this, but I still can’t talk to her as much as I’d like about this. Or more, I don’t want to. I don’t want to lean on her about something where I know her opinion is very strong. She warned me, I wouldn’t listen, I put him before her, and I was wrong.
“Thank you, Sandra, I appreciate it. But I need to get on with work.”
She nods and smiles and steps away from me. As she heads towards the door, I feel compelled to yell something else out. I can’t just let her go without expressing how truly grateful I am.
“Thank you so much for not putting it in the paper. I don’t want people to know…”
“You’re the managing editor anyway,” she teases. “You would just take it out.”
“Ah, true.” I nod and laugh. “Just one of the perks of the job.”
“Exactly. And you know what, I might tell Luke that the whole thing is stupid and take it out. An entertainment report doesn’t have to focus on relationships. I’m going to focus on the music instead.”
I grin and watch her go, feeling a tiny bit lighter. It is nice to know that I’m not completely on my own through all of this. I do have friends, even if they’re in the most unlikely of places.
But then my eyes drift back down to the page and I see Jace kissing his new girlfriend again, some up and coming YouTuber who is about to ‘break the Internet’ apparently, and everything sinks inside of me.
“It’s over.” I turn the paper over and try to forget about the image. “It’s done. It wasn’t meant to be.”
I hate all of that about destiny anyway. It was Jace who made me feel that way, not my own opinions. Fate can’t be real because it was us and our behavior - or more me and mine - that tore us apart. I made choices, albeit not good ones, there was no outer force that drove that. Thinking that was is crazy.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I grab my cell phone and see Luci’s name on the screen. I breathe deep before I pick up. Much as I don’t usually like to talk to her about Jace, I know I need to today.
“Are you okay?” she gasps out before I even get to say hello. “Have you seen it?”
“Er yeah.” I turn the paper back over again, adding to my torture. “I’ve seen it.”
“I’m sorry, that must be really hard for you. He’s such a dick head.”
“Mmm, yeah I know. I guess you were right about him after all.”
I can blame myself for him leaving all I want, but the fact that he’s moved on so quickly says it all. He can’t have cared about me, just like last time he’s in bed with someone else and I’m alone. I’m a fool.
“Well, forget about that asshole. We don’t need to worry about him. I bet Hayley has been emailing you with loads of dates. When you’re ready, you can start up with that again.”
I better not tell her that I’ve already cut all ties with the dating agency, not yet. She’ll go mental, but I just won’t be able to settle into it. There are too many memories when it comes to Jace and I which I don’t need. I won’t be able to go on any date without wondering if it’s going to be him. That’s the last thing I need.
“Yeah, I am definitely not ready yet, but I’m sure I will be soon.” One last lie. I won’t do it again…
“Maybe we can go double dating. That could be fun. You and me, drinks and dinner, a couple of guys.”
“Yeah, that does sound good. I think I’d prefer it if you were there. Clearly, I don’t date well alone.”
“Well, you and I should hang out later if you like?”
“I would like that.” I find myself smiling. “Come to my place for dinner? We could get take out.”
“Perfect. I will see you tonight then. I’m sure you’re busy with work.”
I sigh and look at all the papers stacked up on my table. I should be through all of them by now, but the desire to run myself into the ground has waned and there isn’t any sign of it coming back. It will though, I’m sure.
“I am, as always. I’ll see you tonight. Thanks, Luci. You’re the best!”
“Love ya, girl. Glad to have you back.”
“Yeah. Glad to be back.” I think. “Love ya too!”
I hang up the phone and allow the happiness to flood me. At least I still have her, things would be so much worse if it had gone on any longer. And she did always have my best interests at heart, I can’t deny that. Next time, I will just listen to whatever she’s telling me without thinking that I know best.
It’s rolling on to lunch time and I could use a break. Usually, I eat at my desk, but today I need to get out so I leave my sandwich in my bag and grab my purse to go outside. I wave at everyone as I leave, answering a few questions as I go, and soon I find myself out in the world. I breathe in the fresh air, so glad that I’m out. The atmosphere of work in which I used to thrive now has the ability to stifle me.
It will be okay, I tell myself, the words that have now become my mantra. It will be fine. I can keep going, get back to who I used to be, and just keep taking breaks whenever I need to.
“Addie?”
My heart freezes. That’s Jace’s name for me, but that isn’t him calling me. It’s a female voice, which means either someone else knows about his nickname, or it’s… his mother.
“Oh, Felicia.” I try to smile as brightly as I can despite the discomfort inside. “How nice…”
“I saw you a while back, but you were busy…”
I remember that. I hid from her because I didn’t want to talk to her. Now, just because I didn’t have my usual self-awareness, I’m stuck having the most awkward conversation ever.
“Yes, I’m usually very busy…”
“I know, you have a very important job, don’t you?”
I cock my head to one side and stare at her. I don’t know how much she knows and that scares me. Jace might have told her everything, she might know that we’ve been hanging out again and that it blew up, or he might have told her nothing. I don’t know and that puts me on edge.
“It’s a shame that I haven’t seen you much over the last few years. We always got on well.”
I have to smile. She’s right, we did used to have a good time. I always had fun with her when Jace and I were dating. It’s hard to separate her and him which is why we haven’t seen one another in years.
“If Jace…” even saying his name aches my chest, “wasn’t so far away, conquering the world with his music, maybe we would have spent more time together.”
“We could always spend some time together now if you like?”
“Now?” Uh oh, what have I gotten myself in to.
“Yes, unless you’re busy with work.”
I could, I suppose. It wouldn’t be the worst thing ever, just very awkward. Plus, as much as I want to say no, I can’t think of any legitimate reasons right now. I’m sure there are hundreds, but they’ve evaded me.
“What did you have in mind?”
“Let’s go for a coffee and a cake.”
Such an innocent suggestion that could go oh so wrong! My heart races painfully in my chest, my gut is screaming at me to get the hell out of this mess, but I can’t.
“Sure, sounds good.”
28
JACE
I can’t keep doing this. I stare up at my bedroom ceiling, hating this house. It’s mine, I paid for it, but it doesn’t feel like my own. Even more so since I went back to Mom’s place. I cannot keep this life up.
I imagine myself selling it, moving away and never seeing it again, and it doesn’t bother me at all. I could easily walk out the door and never look back without even thinking about this place again. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, when really my decision has already been made. I know that I need to leave, there isn’t any going back now. I can’t go back to the band; I jus
t can’t make it happen. I’ve thought long and hard about it, and I know that it’s the right thing to do. I don’t know where my life will go, but it cannot be here. I will never find happiness in this life again. Anything new will be a mystery, it could go horribly wrong, but it could be good too.
I haven’t yet taken action to make that happen and I don’t know why. I suppose thinking about it and doing it are two different things, but there isn’t really any reason to keep holding back.
“Today is the day.” I swing my legs around and climb out the bed. “I need to do it.”
I need to do it for me, but for the boys as well. They deserve my honesty, Andrew was right. I cannot fuck their lives up. One phone call is all it will take and the ball will begin rolling.
I grab my cell phone and stare at the screen, willing myself to call Billy, but I make the snap decision to get some coffee first. I need some caffeine before I face this. That isn’t just another excuse… or maybe it is, but it’ll be the last one. I will one hundred percent make the call once I’ve had a drink.
I take my cell phone with me into the kitchen and click on to the Internet as I go. Automatically, I head towards Addie’s social media site. I can’t help myself, it’s like an addiction. Even worse than before, even after everything that’s happened, I want to know what’s going on inside her head. She hasn’t posted anything since I left, it’s almost as if she’s vanished from the face of the earth, which is terribly annoying.
Although I suppose it must be worse for her, if she’s looking, because she’s seeing a warped view of my life. The main focus on me at the moment is my YouTuber ‘girlfriend’, Callie, who is still acting like she knows me and we’re together, milking the rumor for everything that it’s worth. That could be killing her.
