Setting his bag of books on the ground, he sits then leans in and softly kisses me, warm mouth on my cool lips. I deliberately inhale his scent. Musky; Evan; comfort. Only a weekend away and his absence feels like forever. I realize the two can’t co-exist - my plans and my relationship. Travel and Evan. His palm goes to my knee and I stroke the back of his hand.
“I missed you,” I say.
“You too.” His words are instant, an automatic response.
“How was poetry class?”
“I didn’t have poetry today.”
His words constrict my heart, our usual comical exchange of greeting cut short. “Oh. Okay.”
Evan rubs his face. “Ness, I don’t know what to say to you anymore.”
This hits me in my thumping heart. “Say to me?”
“I can’t open up to you anymore than I have. Not when…” He inhales. “Not when you’re going to leave me.”
After all these weeks, he’s finally straight to the point, and as if his decision has been made. Moving his hand from my knee, he rests both on his, rubbing his legs.
“Why haven’t you spoken to me about this until now? If my leaving was stressing you so much?”
“And say what? I held the words in, and then the other day I told you I didn’t want you to leave. Knowing it was a selfish thing to say. And then you hit me back with accusations I don’t feel enough for you.”
I blink at the side of his head, he’s looking at the ground and not me. “I didn’t say that. I just wanted to know why you didn’t...say.”
“One of the reasons I didn’t say anything is because of the amount I care about you. I didn’t want to spoil the time we had.”
“By hiding from the future?”
“No, by living in the present.” Evan leans forward to study the ground. “Maybe I have held more of me back than I should, but so have you. And what’s the point anyway?”
“The point in what?”
Evan turns his head to me, his cheeks pink and the intensity of his gaze knocks me more than anything he’s said. “The point in loving you.”
My tensions dissolves into nausea, not the relief I expected. I asked him for this but he’s telling me in such a negative way.
“See, that’s why. In your face.” He looks away again.
I reach out to him, move his hair so I can see the side of his face but he won’t meet my eyes. “Evan, I care so much for you.”
He breathes in so deeply I can hear the air rush into his chest and he puts his head in his hands. “I know. And I feel so much for you it scares me. I don’t want you to hurt me.”
This is wrong. We should be saying the words as we hold each other, look at each other and see the truth in our eyes. As his eyes have held the truth so many times, when they’ve told me so much more than three stupid words.
“Evan…” I need him to look at me, to see this again.
Evan sits back hard against the bench seat, looking at the English summer sky. My heart pounds, apprehensive as to what he’ll say next. A crushing realization hits me. I don’t want to lose him.
He shifts in his seat, turning my face to him gently. “Ness, I love you and I shouldn’t need to tell you. But it’s true. And I don’t want you to go, I can’t imagine not seeing you for so long. I think you won’t come back, or will forget me.”
Tears sting my eyes as I try to blink them away, unsuccessfully as one escapes down my cheek. “I can’t stay here. In Leeds. Doing this job. I wish you could come too.”
He lets go of my face. “I can’t. It’s not possible.”
“Why? We could go together?”
“I can’t leave the country,” he whispers, “not so soon.”
The answer hits me. “Lucy?”
“Partly. But also, financially. And I’m studying. This isn’t the right moment in my life to do what you’re doing.”
I hear only the part about Lucy. I fooled myself she’d retreated into the background. Now I understand. She’s the reason he’d never agree to come with me, even if he had the money and opportunity. She’s strangling the life from him.
“NowI don’t know what to say, Evan.”
“Maybe we crossed paths at the wrong time. Like we were meant to fall in love with each other, but not be together.” He’s not touching me anymore, staring towards the trees, thinking aloud.
“So what do we do?” I don’t want to say the words. “Do we end things now? Or keep going, until I leave? See what happens while I’m away? And how things are when I come back.” My desperate heart pumps the words from my mouth, the thoughts that circle in my head finally spoken.
“I don’t know.”
The nausea rises. The situation is pushing my emotions to the edge of self-control. He finally says he loves me but then says he doesn’t know if he wants us to be together anymore. The contradiction in his words spins me out.
“You love me but you don’t know? Then you don’t love me enough. This would never work. You wouldn’t wait for me.” I stand, aware of the shaking inside moving its way to my arms and hands.
“No, I care about you too much. When I’m with you, the only place I want to be is closer.” Evan stands and reaches out to me but I can’t let him fold me into his arms, into his world. He drew me so tightly to him, and now he’s kicked me so hard everything hurts.
“You’re not making any sense, Evan.” I step back and fold my arms.
He drops his arms and shakes his head. “I know. That’s why I’ve never spoken about this stuff before. I’m fucked up, Ness. So screwed up by the past, in ways you can’t imagine. I can’t get hurt again, not now.”
“I’m hurting you?” Where did that come from?
“Yes.”
This is the last thing I want to hear. Nobody should be in a relationship which hurts them, put themselves through pain and for what? Me to leave him anyway? His pain at the prospect of being left is so great he couldn’t tell me about it until now. This is wrong. I’ve deluded myself everything will be okay, and having a here and now relationship, with no plans for the future, was possible. I turn away, walk towards the edge of the park. When he doesn’t follow me, I have the answer I need. My heart breaks and all the butterflies inside me die.
****
NESS
I don’t see Evan again after our meeting. Everything stops. Suddenly. The afternoon in the park cycles around and around in my mind. One short conversation of contradictory statements and now this. Finished. I blame myself; can’t believe I pushed him into a corner. Evan fought his way out, saying what he expected me to say, but hurting himself in the process.
I was too caught up in my own plans, perhaps should have considered the effect my leaving would have on our relationship. On our emotions. But I didn’t. Neither of us wanted to face the future, living the days as they came, which we thought was the right thing to do. We never realized how the more time we spent together, the closer it tied us.
Now the exact reason why I didn’t factor Evan into my plans has arisen - our relationship hasn’t lasted long enough to make my leaving an issue. If I’d altered my plans for Evan, my resentment towards him would be as bad as the hurt and anger I feel now. Why did I get involved when I knew I’d leave? Because I didn’t think I’d fall in love.
Three days later, a knee-jerk reaction and a bottle of wine finds me booking my flight ticket on the internet. Round the world. Starting in Europe.Screw him.
The next day I post the date I’m leaving on Facebook, proudly showing everyone what I’m going to achieve. Some of my already traveling, backpacking friends send suggestions for meet ups. Excitement replaces my moping, returning my focus to what I wanted all along, before Evan interrupted me.
Evan changes his Facebook status. We’re no longer in a relationship.
His immaturity stings. I call him but he doesn’t answer and my texts go ignored. How is this the guy who told me he loved me a few days ago?
I wish Lucy really had been an ex or a current girlfr
iend; I think I’d have coped better. And never got involved.
****
EVAN
Slamming the laptop closed, I pick up my phone and call Matt. I don’t know why I expected her to tell me when she booked the flights, but the fact she didn’t seals things. This is over. I can’t let Ness hurt me anymore and I definitely can’t wait for her to come back next year. I’ve no idea why I ever thought I could.
All week, I waited and procrastinated. Not knowing what to do, or whether she wanted to fix things after our argument. Our second argument in as many weeks. I decide it’s all too hard. Then she makes the decision for me anyway. I resist the urge to drown myself in nights out but the life from before beckons me back.
I love her. I told her what she wanted me to, but this still wasn’t good enough for her. I’ll never be good enough for her, she was always going to leave me.
Chapter 25
SUMMER
NESS
The countdown clock on my blog greets me every day when I update my posts. I have everything worked out, meticulously planned. Three weeks to go. And one week only left in call center hell. My butterfly brooch is pinned to my notice board and most days I look at it and consider Evan; hope he’s okay. Once I got through my anger at his behavior, I filed him away in the things I can’t deal with box. He’d become a best friend and splitting up hurt like hell, but the timing wasn’t right. I guess he’s right, maybe at our age people fall in love but are never meant to stay together. A tiny part of me doesn’t believe this about us.
Abby is busy sitting end of year exams and discovering her student union card doubles as a library card. Who’d have known… This time last year, we were sitting A levels and moving along the education conveyor belt. At least I jumped off. She’s considering what to do with her summer, stay here or go home. Staying here would involve finding a job, I suspect she’ll go home and catch up with old friends who headed to different universities.
We need to vacate the house. With me going, Abby decides she’s moving in with some friends next year.
A week later, Abby finishes her exams and launches herself back into her original behavior. A swan song before the holidays. Her attitude to relationships shifted over the year, moving from falling heavily to having fun. I should’ve taken a leaf out of her book. She’s had several other guys in her life since Kyle. Unfortunately, she’s ended the year back with Matt. I knew something was wrong, she got cagey even though the stress of her exams was over. The day she brought him into the house was when I found out. My heart raced as he came in, expecting Evan to walk in the door behind him. Evan wasn’t with him, and never came here with Matt and his friends. I skirted around the subject of Evan when I spoke to Matt, I don’t need ghosts from the past when I’m moving on.
Abby and company decide to got to Blackpool for a weekend. ‘And company’ includes Evan. I push away the remnants of jealousy that fill my imagination with Evan and girls. I remind myself, he’s not mine. Opening my laptop and focusing on foreign countries helps. Packing the contents of the house doesn’t. Funny how the mind wanders as soon as you start putting cups into boxes. Since Abby should be doing her share, I give up and go back to my laptop and ignore the nerves starting to accompany my excitement at leaving.
I didn’t count on the fact staying alone in the house would worry me. Sure, I was used to being alone in the evenings when Abby goes out, but something about being alone for several days freaks me out. Nobody else I know lives around here. And what upsets me the most is the niggly voice, laughing at me, asking me how traveling the world on my own is a possibility if I can’t spend a couple of nights alone in Leeds.
****
I’m dreaming. One of those strange dreams where reality encroaches and your mind tries to keep you asleep. Something is banging. Banging so incessantly my body leaps out of the dream into the night, heart thumping to match the noise. The sound comes from the front door. I scrunch the duvet between my fingers, eyes darting around. For what? A weapon?Like that’d help. We’ve got decent locks, strong enough to prevent someone kicking the door down so that’s not a worry. I just need to wait for whoever is outside to go. This has happened before, drunks mistaking our house for theirs - the row of redbrick terraces with identical frontages makes this entirely possible in the dark.
The banging doesn’t stop and I consider calling the police. And saying what? No-one’s threatened me. I wish Abby was here. No, I wish Evan was here. My clothes from yesterday are slung over a chair and I pull them on. I squint at my phone - 2am.
Slowly, I walk down the stairs.
I hold my breath and listen when the knocking pauses. “Who is it?”Oh my god, I sound like I’m in a dodgy horror film.
“Ness! Ness! Is he there? Open the door.”
Blood pools into my ankles. “Lucy?”
“Where’s Evan? I need to find him!” Her voice has an edge of hysteria, the same tone the day we first met outside the pub.
I slide the chain and unlatch the door. Lucy pushes past me and closes the door. She has no shoes on.
“Lucy? What are you doing here?”
“Evan. Is he upstairs?” She shoves me to one side, taking the stairs two at a time. My bedroom door slams open and shut again. Lucy reappears at the top of the stairs. “Where is he?”
“Let me get you a drink?” I speak calmly, trying to recall how Evan spoke to his sister last time she came here.
Lucy’s appearance freaks me out. Apart from having no shoes, her face is pale and eyes wide. When she looked at me as she came in the house, I saw dilated pupils. Something’s happened.
“Where’s Evan?” she repeats, sitting on the top step.
“I don’t know.” Telling her he’s in Blackpool doesn’t seem like a clever idea.
“Why not?”
“We don’t see each other anymore, Lucy. Didn’t he say?”
She pushes her long curls from her eyes. “Maybe. I don’t remember. So he’s not coming here tonight?”
“No, have you tried calling him?”
“You know he doesn’t answer my calls.”
This surprises me. I believed things had changed in their relationship. I guess I’ve been out of the loop too long. And it looks like I’m back in the loop again.
Lucy paces around and she looks to the front door. I can’t let her leave. “Let me get you a drink. I’ll call around some people, see if we can find him.”
She sits in the armchair, jiggling her foot on the floor. “Okay, someone can find him, right?”
“I’m sure we can.”
I want to ask her what’s wrong but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. I’m not sure at all what to do in this situation; apart from looking for Evan.
My phone is upstairs, so I take a glass of water to Lucy and tell her I’m going to make some calls. Hands shaking, I dial Evan’s number. We haven’t spoken in over a month and this isn’t a great way to reconnect. The phone rings out and when his voicemail kicks in desire to see him surges through me, on hearing his voice again.
I hang up, don’t want to leave this news as a message. Abby. I try her phone, same thing, voicemail. This time I leave a message asking her to call me urgently. They could be anywhere - asleep, partying, out… Or Evan could be busy with a girl.
I return to Lucy, who’s standing up again, chewing her nails. “Have you found out where he is?”
“No. But I will. It’s late - they’re probably asleep. Maybe you should wait here until the morning?”
Lucy rubs her face with both hands and I notice nail marks on her arms, five in a semi-circle. “I don’t know…”
“Where else will you go? Wait here, then when we find him, he’ll come back.”
Her eyes widen to saucers again. “Do you think he will come for me?”
Not sure if I should, I reach out and rub her cold arm anyway. “He always does, doesn’t he?”
Chapter 26
NESS
I jerk awake, catching up with where
I am. My arm hurts where I’ve lain against in the armchair. Lucy is asleep on the sofa, curled beneath the blanket I put over her. Once she realized I wasn’t going to conjure up Evan for her, she stopped talking, drank her water then stared at her phone for a while. After an hour, I decided she’d forgotten anyone was with her. Having no clue at all how to deal with the situation, I sat up with her. The possibility she might leave again my biggest concern - and how to explain to Evan if she did, if something happened to her before he came back for her. Which he will.
Uncurling myself from the armchair, I reach out for my own phone and check the screen. Abby hasn’t responded and if Evan noticed my number as a missed call, he’s decided not to call. I sneak upstairs, glancing back to make sure Lucy stays asleep. What the hell am I doing?
After three attempts, Evan answers.
“What?” He’s distant; a confused and tired voice.
“It’s Vanessa. I need to talk to you.”
“Ness? What the hell? Do you know what time it is?”
I roll my eyes at the predictability of his reaction but my stomach knots. “It’s 8am.”
“Too early. Are you trying to get in touch with Abby? She’s not with me right now but I can find her.”
There’s rustling as he moves.
“No, I need to talk to you.”
A silence. “This is a bit random. I thought you weren’t talking to me.”
“Me?” There is so much I want to say to him but I bite the words back. “I haven’t got time to get into that.”
“Then what?”
God, I can’t believe I’m about to land this on him. “Where are you?”
“Why?” His tone sharpens.
“Are you back in Leeds?”
“No, I’m in Blackpool. You know that.”
“Okay…” I can’t hide the affront.
His tone softens. “Look, sorry, I’m tired. And hungover.”
My imagination sees him in bed with a girl and I shake the image away. I breathe in shakily breath, and hate I have to land this on him. On Evan, the guy out living his carefree life with his mates. Relaxing. Escaping.
Because of Lucy Page 13
