“It’s Lucy.”
“Lucy?” He snaps the word back, there’s no silence this time.
“She’s with me, in the house and I don’t know what to do.”
“Fuck. When? I mean, why? Shit. Is she okay?” On the other end of the line, there’s more rustling and a belt jangling.
“I don’t know what’s wrong. I didn’t want to ask, Evan. I tried calling last night…”
“Fuck…I was…”
“Out of it?” Again the image of Evan and a girl, but I have no right to be jealous anymore.
“Unconscious. Shit. I’m coming back. I don’t have my car. Fuck. Okay, I’ll get the train…” His stream of consciousness reminds me of Lucy, the night I first met her. Incoherent panic.
“Calm down, Evan. She’s okay.” Just clicking her fingers and you’re right back with her. I’m shocked at myself, such a cruel thing to think. The girl is sick.
“Ness…My phone battery’s low, I’m going to go. I’ll call you when I get back to Leeds - tell her I’m coming back.”
Evan hangs up and I stare at the phone, mind blanked by the situation. The front door slams, jerking me back to reality. The small knot in my stomach constricts, as I approach the top of the stairs. A scrunched up blanket remains on the sofa, but no Lucy.
“Lucy?”
I charge downstairs, hoping she’s in the kitchen but knowing she won’t be. Lucy, my shoes, and my bag have gone.
****
How anybody can disappear so quickly, I’ve no idea. I run to the end of the street but can’t find her. Unable to search due to the fact I don’t have any shoes on, I slope back to the house, avoiding the curious gazes of people watching me from the bus stop.
The next few hours, I try in vain to contact Evan. After the third attempt, I decide to stop, he’ll freak out if he finds a stack of missed calls from me. I sit quietly, cradling a mug of tea and trying to fathom why Lucy would behave like this. Why she’d come here. How the hell did she remember where I live?
The house faces straight onto the street, and every passerby can be heard through the window. I jump at each set of footsteps approaching, waiting for Evan and rehearsing what I’ll say to him.
His knock is gentler than Lucy’s was, but not much. When I open the door, he pauses before stepping inside and dropping a bag on the floor. Evan smells bad. All-nighter, beer-and-kebab bad, and he looks like crap. Dark rings circle his dull eyes, and his skin is pale. I feel like I’m going to be sick, don’t want to have the next conversation with him.
“Where’s Lucy?” Evan walks to the kitchen, looks in then spins back round. “Ness? Where is she?”
Shakily, I sit on the sofa. “She left, Evan.”
“Left? Where?”
“I don’t know. After I spoke to you, I came downstairs and she’d gone.”
Evan stares at me, tired eyes widening. He’s chewing his mouth, I think he’s trying not to shout.
“Sorry,” I mutter.
Turning on his heel, Evan disappears into the kitchen and I jump as a loud bang echoes out of the door. Evan swears repeatedly and I hesitate, not knowing what to do or say. When I go in, he’s facing away from me, both hands stretched across the sink.
“Do you have any idea where she went?” he asks hoarsely, not turning.
“She’s looking for you.”
“But she doesn’t know where I am.” He turns and leans against the sink. “Did she tell you what happened? How was she? Manic? Depressed?”
As he says each word, I shake my head. I’m not a Lucy expert, I’ve only met her a few times and two of those she’s been unwell. “I don’t know…out of it. She had no shoes on.”
“She’s wandering the streets with no shoes?” The edge of panic he’s been holding down creeps in.
“She’s got my shoes. And my bag. So she’s got some money.”
Evan straightens. “I need to use your phone.”
I’m feeling spaced out with the events of the last few hours, I can’t imagine how Evan must be coping.
After giving him my phone, I make tea and return to the lounge. Such an English thing to do - make tea in a crisis. Evan slouches across one arm of the sofa, supporting his head and staring into space.
“Who did you call?”
“Everyone.” He picks at the edge of the sofa arm. “Dad, her doctor, her flatmates. No-one’s heard from her.”
“Do you know why? Why she’s relapsed or whatever?”
“She split up with her boyfriend a few weeks back apparently. No-one noticed her mood changes though. She’s good at hiding things until she can’t control the illness anymore.”
Setting the mugs down, I sit in the chair opposite him. “What do we do?”
Evan turns his pained brown eyes to me and I’m overwhelmed with the urge to hold the lost looking person in front of me.
“There’s nothing we can do. She’s not even a missing person yet. Officially. Dad’s going to talk to the police anyway. I’ll have to hope she’s still looking for me.” He springs to his feet. “Phone. I need to charge my phone.”
“Does Lucy have a phone? We can call her.”
“I tried. Voicemail. Her phone is probably out of charge too.”
Evan hovers and we awkwardly edge around each other so he can reach into his bag. Pulling his charger out, he stands uncertainly. Gently, I take it from him, and place it on the table. I curl my hand around his and squeeze. “I’ll sort this out, Evan. Why don’t you get a shower? I’ll wait here for phone calls. You’ll feel better and then we can decide what you want to do.”
“Last time…” he pauses and pulls his hand away. “Last time she did this, things didn’t end well.”
Chapter 27
EVAN
Ness drives me home. To Lancaster, I mean. The world around is cold and alien, fear and anger barely contained beneath my facade. But beside me is Ness. Calming, beautiful Ness who knows what to say and when to say nothing. She gets me. Understands like nobody else ever has. I want to tell her what this means to me, but I’m dead inside. Numb. I keep picturing Lucy’s body, waiting for a call from the police. Almost forty eight hours and no-one’s heard from her.
We sit in the garden, where I sat with Lucy in spring. The daffodils have gone, gardening isn’t something Dad does so the soil is barren now, apart from the dandelions Lucy used to love as a child. Summer fills the air around us - the birds, the smell of mown grass and the sun shining on the brown and green of the distant hills.
Two days and no news. All we can do is wait. I’m paralyzed, can’t do anything but sit near the phone. I’m in a distant dream, a nightmare where I don’t know if my sister is alive or dead.
“I have to get back today,” says Ness, “I have a shift in the morning.”
Sometimes I forget she’s there. “Sure.”
Ness puts her hand on my knee again, she keeps doing that. I want to hold her and tell her how I feel about her, but I can’t.
“Unless you need me to stay.”
Breath shudders from my lungs. Need. What causes all the fuck ups in my life. I look at her. “You do whatyou need, Ness.”
Her eyes shine with tears. “I need to know if you’re okay.”
I can’t stop looking at her, the beautiful mouth I once kissed is set in a hard line, a crease of concern above her shining eyes. And I wish I’d never pushed her away.
With the shuddering breath come the words I should’ve said a day ago, each and every time she’s asked me. “I’m not okay.”
Ness reaches a hand and touches my face with gentle fingers. “I’m here,” she says. I close my eyes, can’t feel. Can’t let anyone in.
I jerk in surprise as her lips touch mine. One soft, buzz of a kiss, and she pulls away again. The desire to hold Ness, and feel her warmth, flows into me, the need to reconnect with her overwhelming. I lean forward and kiss her too, place my mouth on her familiar, soft lips. We embrace and kiss slowly even though my body aches to pull her tight, hold her
to me and never let go.
Moving my face away, I stroke her cheek with the back of my hand. “Thank you.”
She takes my hand and squeezes. “I’ll stay if you need me to.”
Dark smudges sit beneath Ness’s eyes, she’s slept in my bed while I’ve lain awake downstairs; but I don’t think she’s had much sleep either.
“You should go,” I tell her.
Ness moves my hair from my face. “You need someone here for you.”
I wish she wouldn’t use that word. “I’m fine.”
“No you’re not; your sister’s missing and you’re struggling.”
“I’ve managed before.” She tries to hold my hand again and I can’t, I pull it away. “Ness. Don’t. I’d rather cope alone.”
Inhaling deeply, Ness rubs her tired eyes. “I know we haven’t spoken for a few weeks, but I do care about you, Evan. I hate seeing you hurting. I want to help.”
“You have helped. But you have your own life to go back to.”
“The battery farm can wait, what are they going to do? Sack me? I’ve only got a week left anyway…” Ness trails off as my eyes betray how I feel. “Sorry, I mean…”
“Until you go. It’s okay, not as if I expect you to be around forever.”
I don’t know what she sees in my face, because I’m sure everything I’m feeling is hidden well, but her eyes fill with tears. I close mine, not wanting to see them spill. Why is she crying? She sniffs and I open them, to see her shake her head and blink before offering me a weak smile.
“I’m here for you now,” she says softly, putting both hands on my cheeks.
Sometimes people say something really small, but the words fit right into an empty space in your heart.
I put my hands over hers. “I love you.”
And the barely contained tears spill down her face, from eyes continuing to search mine. Reflecting me, pushing into my soul. My hands remain on hers as she kisses me, wet cheek catching in my stubbled face. I need to hold onto what I have now, and deal with the pain when I lose her.
****
NESS
An emotionally raw Evan holds my hands, warm and rough, as if he doesn’t want to let go. For the last two days I’ve stayed with him, listened to him and calmed him. Followed his frustration at the lack of help available. The insight I’ve gained into what he’s dealt with over the last few years breaks my heart. This is the third time Lucy has done this, and each time he took charge. As a sixteen year old, he was the one who took on the responsibility for his twin’s health. I tell Evan how wrong this is, how if she were physically unwell nobody would’ve asked him to care for her. Evan shakes his head, won’t listen.
A phone rings inside the house and Evan drops his hands and mine from his face, turning his head to the sound. My phone. He darts inside and brings my phone back, passes the phone to me. Disappointment flickers across his face.
“Vanessa? Are you okay? Where are you?” Mum’s voice is several octaves higher than usual and I can hear my Dad’s voice in the background.
“Mum, I’m fine, staying with a friend. Why? Are you in Leeds?”
“No. The police called. There’s a girl, she had your purse and she’s in hospital and the description didn’t sound like you…” As my Mum rambles in panic, I turn my gaze to Evan fighting back tears.
“Is she okay? The girl?”
Evan pales and steps towards me. “What? What’s going on?”
“I don’t know if she’s okay, darling, we’re out of our minds with worry. Did someone steal your purse?”
“No. No, I know her. Where is she?”
“Can I talk to her? Please?” Evan holds out his hand, eyes desperate.
I hand him the phone and he walks away, back into the garden. He talks, voice low and I can’t hear.
When Evan returns, he hands me the phone. “She’s in Manchester.”
“Lucy? Where?”
He looks at me oddly. “Hospital. They found her wandering on a main road. Confused. Your mum gave me the police’s number, I’ll call them now.”
“Call your Dad at work.”
Evan rubs his head. “Why?”
“You need to stop owning this, Evan.” I say the words as gently as I can. I’ve held off saying them for two days but I can’t anymore.
“She needs my help, Ness.”
“No, she needshelp. Not just yours.”
My mind harks back to the first time we encountered Lucy in our relationship, the disgust I felt at Evan’s family’s reliance on him. And how, months later, I was certain he’d moved away from his imagined obligation to her. Clearly, this never happened.
“Don’t start this now,” he says quietly.
The vulnerable Evan who kissed me outside has already retreated, back to the switched off Evan who copes by closing down. He needs me, but needs me to be who I’ve been the last two days. The rest can be talked about later.
****
I miss my shift, to drive Evan and his Dad to Manchester. Lucy is in an emergency ward which I can’t fathom, because Evan said she was physically okay. Evan patiently explains to me the failings of the Public Health system. Everything I’ve seen and heard repeatedly my whole life, heard my parents complain about. Now I see first hand, because this situation touches my life. There’s nowhere else for her to go and she wasn’t well enough to wait alone for us to arrive. So she’s waiting in a cubicle, frightened and confused. I feel sick.
Evan and his Dad leave me in the waiting room where my eyes open to the world I have been protected from. No illness interrupted my family or childhood, none of the struggles lain out around ever touched me. I realize the system isn’t failing only Lucy, but Evan too. And people like him. I lean my head against the magnolia painted wall, bunched up on a bucket seat amongst other people waiting for treatment. My eyelids won’t stay open and I doze, the sound of children and nurses around me.
Evan touches me on the shoulder and I jump back to consciousness.
“Is she okay?” I ask.
Tiredness creases his face, but his color is back. He’s not happy, but better.
“She will be. Nothing happened to her, as far as we know. But we don’t know where she’s been. She’s not very coherent.”
I nod even though I don’t understand. “So, what do you do now?”
“I don’t know what to do, Dad wants to leave her here but she’s panicking and won’t agree. If he pushes for her to stay and she refuses, they’ll have to section her. Keep her here in a locked ward so she can’t disappear again. And the more agitated she gets, the more likely that is to happen.” Evan heaves out a breath, following his nutshell explanation.
I balk at the barbaric attitude. “What? Why doesn’t your Dad want to take her home? She’s not dangerous…”
“No, but she’s dangerous to herself. Look what happened, wandering around like she did not knowing where she was. And she can’t just go to the hospital in Lancaster, there’s no room. And if they keep her, she stays here. In emergency. Until they have a bed and that could be days.”
“She needs to stay in hospital?”
“She’s not well enough to come home. I think she needs time in hospital, but not locked away. She’s confused and unhappy, but I’ve seen her worse. It would be best if she could go back to the hospital she was at before, in Lancaster. But that’s not possible.”
I grasp at words but find none suitable.
Evan sits on the uncomfortable plastic chair next to me. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Let your Dad decide.”
“He doesn’t understand.”
“Then let the doctors explain to him.”
He shakes his head.
“Evan, please listen. You need to let go of this. When she realizes you’re not the answer, she’ll stop coming to you for the answers you don’t have. For what you can’t give her.”
“She needs me. Look what happens when I’m not there.”
“You need to live your life. And
you are doing all you can.”
I dig my nails into my palms to stop myself saying more he won’t want to hear. The situation, him, everything is frustrating me. He’s drowning in his sister’s illness. Evan leans forwards onto his knees, arms wrapped around his head.
The helplessness I feel is a drop in the sea of the troubles he has.
Chapter 28
NESS
I leave the next morning, take Evan and his Dad home and return to Leeds. Persuading Evan to come back to Leeds fails. Lucy remains at the hospital in Manchester, so Evan leaving her for Lancaster is a big step I guess. A few days later, Lucy moves to the hospital in Lancashire Evan mentioned. We talk a few times on the phone over the next few weeks. I think Evan living close to her is unhealthy for both of them.
Most of the flat is boxed now. Work has finished and I’m counting down until I leave. But something no longer feels right. Listening to Evan speaking to the hassled looking registrar, listening to stories of Lucy’s lack of consistent treatment, seeing her reality pushed into a world I was unaware of.
I’m confused and as the days pass, my thoughts of Evan become a longing to see him. Phone calls aren’t enough anymore. I have to talk to him in person.
We’ve spoken a few times since the day in the garden but so much is hanging, I can’t leave the country without speaking to him again. But I don’t want to go to see him in Lancaster. And I think it will be good for Evan if he leaves there for a while. Leaves Lucy. He agrees to come and see me on the day he returns to pack up his dorm room.
****
Evan arrives at the house and I’m relieved to see how much better he looks. His color is back and the eyes are his lively, Evan eyes again. He hugs me awkwardly and I embrace him tightly, to indicate it’s okay, but he draws back. He eyes the stack of boxes around the room.
Because of Lucy Page 14
