Alone Beneath The Heaven

by Bradshaw, Rita

  Once in the hall, which although narrow and small was painted a light fresh blue, the woman continued to stare at her, as she said, ‘By, by, lass. By . . .’ It seemed all she was capable of saying, and as Sarah looked back into the amazed eyes, the wide-lipped mouth and warm tint to the fresh skin combining to give a brightness to the face that was very appealing, it came to her that she would like her uncle’s wife.

  ‘An’ you say my manners are lackin’ at times.’ Jack now dug his wife in the ribs. ‘Come on through to the sitting room the pair of you,’ he said loudly, with a faintly embarrassed air.

  ‘Ee, I’m sorry, lass, but I can see what Jack meant now, right enough, you are your mam’s lass, an’ no mistake.’ As they reached the sitting room Abbie turned and hugged Sarah, adding, ‘Peas in a pod couldn’t be more alike. Oh, I’m glad to see you, Sarah, I am that. Who would have thought it?’

  Sarah wasn’t quite sure if her uncle’s wife was referring to her likeness to Nancy, or the situation as a whole, so she merely smiled her answer before she turned and said, ‘This is my husband, Rodney,’ taking Rodney’s arm as she did so.

  ‘Aye, I didn’t think it was the lodger, lass.’

  And then they were laughing, the others wholeheartedly but Sarah a little nervously, something which Abbie must have recognized because she said, her face becoming straight, ‘Here, lass, all this must have taken it out of you. Come and have a seat by the fire, an’ I’ll get a cup of tea while you take the load off.’

  The sitting room was small, but again sparkling clean and homely, with the inevitable blackleaded grate in which a small coal fire burnt despite the warmth of the September night. Once seated, Sarah glanced carefully about her, not wishing to offend her uncle or his wife by being too nosy, and she liked what she saw.

  The small three-piece suite was a brown tweed with wooden arms, and relatively new, as was the wall-to-wall carpet, also in serviceable brown. The little china cabinet in one corner holding a collection of treasures, along with an ancient radiogram and long rectangular occasional table, made up the sum total of furniture in the room, but the curtains at the window were a deep red - and faintly reminiscent of Florrie’s - and gave a warm cosiness to the practical room that was very appealing.

  It was a cosy place, a family house, Sarah felt, and she complimented Jack on his home as Abbie bustled off into the kitchen.

  ‘Aye, well you’re seein’ the best of it, to be truthful, lass,’ Jack said stolidly. ‘Abbie’s old aunty died a while back an’ left the wife a bit, an’ Abbie’d been longin’ to have a clean sweep in here since we got married. We was given a load of stuff then, an’ very grateful we was, mind, but Abbie’d got some ideas of how she wanted it to look. There’s a lot of folks round here that have their front room as their front room - high days an’ holidays, you know? - but Abbie wanted it done so the bairns could still come in here an’ spoil nothin’.’

  ‘It’s very nice,’ Sarah said again.

  ‘Aye, she’s got an eye, has my Abbie, an’ it was nice not to have to scrape an’ pinch for a change. When we first got married, an’ our Tim come pretty quick, your mam was the one that put food in our bellies more than once. Round she’d come of an evenin’, just to say hallo accordin’ to her, but when she’d gone we’d find a bag of groceries somewhere or other to see us through to payday. She’s one on her own, your mam.’

  The appearance of her three young cousins who had been playing in the yard outside - the older two protesting that they had been playing chucks with Philip and Rory Drew, and they’d been winning, and why did they have to come in now? - brought an air of matter-of-factness to the proceedings, especially when the baby of the trio, little Billy, had an accident and wet his pants whilst sitting on his father’s lap. But Sarah still felt as though she might blink and the whole thing would have been a dream. A wonderful, fantastic, impossible dream.

  She felt so keyed up she hardly knew what she was saying, and when they were all seated with their cups of tea, the children having been sent out to play again, it was a relief when Abbie broached the subject of her mother’s visit, saying, ‘Well, lass, she’ll be here in a minute or two, your mam. She said she’d call round about half six an’ it’s gettin’ on for that now. Is there anythin’ you want to ask me an’ Jack afore she comes?’

  Sarah stared into the kind face and answered truthfully, ‘I don’t know where to start, Abbie.’

  ‘No, lass, I don’t suppose you do.’

  ‘I still can hardly believe it, to be honest. I mean I know it, but I can’t take it in. It’s real, but it’s not, you know?’

  ‘Aye, lass, I felt somethin’ similar when the poor King died this year, an’ him still only fifty-six. That was a shock to everyone, that was, an’ folk hereabouts said for days they couldn’t get it into their heads he had really gone. Mind you, with your mam, it’s a nice shock, not like that one, but still, I know what you mean.’

  ‘That’s not the same at all.’ Jack sounded quite indignant that his wife could compare the demise of King George VI with Sarah finding his sister, but his wife flapped her hand at him as she said, ‘Oh Sarah knows what I mean, don’t you, lass?’ She continued, without waiting for an answer, ‘Well, all I can say is that your mam is a lovely woman, Sarah. She didn’t deserve what her mam did any more than you did.’ Abbie bit down on her inner lip before adding, ‘Jack says she was never the same after. Broke her heart, it did.’

  Sarah drew in a long breath and nodded slowly. What could she say? She just wanted to see her mother now, she didn’t want to talk or ask any questions. She just wanted to see her mother’s face.

  And then, as if in answer to her heart’s plea, there was a knock at the front door followed by a man’s voice calling, the tone overly robust, ‘Hallo there! Anybody home?’

  Sarah had leapt to her feet in a manner that belied her advanced pregnancy, and now Rodney followed suit, catching Jack’s arm as the other man made to go towards the door and saying, ‘It’s them? It’s her?’

  ‘Aye, it’s Nancy an’ Bill.’

  It was going to happen. It was going to happen now.

  The sensation that had spiralled into Sarah’s head and round her body fragmented the light and turned her gaze into tunnel vision that was pointed at the door. She was vaguely aware of Abbie and Jack hastily leaving the room, and Rodney holding her shoulder tightly as he pulled her against him, supporting her with his body, but she couldn’t have moved or spoken if her life had depended on it.

  And then her mother stepped into the room.

  The world stopped revolving and time stood still.

  ‘Sarah?’ It was soft and trembling, but still Sarah couldn’t speak. She was looking into her mother’s face, and she knew her, and she saw the same sense of heart recognition in the beautiful tragic blue eyes staring back at her.

  And then Nancy’s legs began to buckle, and on the perimeter of Sarah’s vision she was aware of Rodney leaping forward and shouting, ‘Catch her,’ to the tall grey-haired man standing just behind her mother.

  It was Rodney who took Nancy’s weight, and as the older woman’s head fell back limply against his arm and he caught the full force of the amazing likeness to Sarah close to, he realized he was looking at his wife’s face in twenty years’ time and felt the equivalent of an electric shock pass down his spine. But then his professional side took over, his voice soothing and calm as he said, ‘Don’t worry, she’s only fainted, she’ll be perfectly all right. Here, let’s lay her on the settee for a minute or two, she’s already beginning to come round.’

  Sarah was half supporting her mother’s head as Rodney carried Nancy across the room, and she sank down onto the settee with her, her arms going tightly round the older woman’s slender body that was so slight it could be called sylphlike. There was some silver in the golden hair that was pulled into a low thick bun on the nape of Nancy’s neck, and as Sarah saw it her throat seized and locked and she cradled her mother closer.

 
And it was at that moment that Nancy opened her eyes and looked up into the face of the daughter she had been mourning for twenty-four years. ‘Sarah . . .’ It was a whisper, but the tone was such that it caused both men to glance at each other and quietly leave the room.

  Sarah was blinking rapidly, not wanting her tears to mist the sight of this dear face, and then as Nancy, her own face awash now, said, ‘I always called you Jane in my heart, but Sarah Jane is a lovely name . . .’ she managed, ‘You thought of me sometimes?’

  ‘Always.’ Nancy raised herself, her hands taking Sarah’s as she said, ‘How can you ever forgive me? Do - do you hate me?’

  ‘Hate you?’ Sarah shook her head, her tears blinding her as she said, ‘I love you, you’re my mother.’

  ‘Oh my bairn, my precious precious bairn.’ And now it was Nancy who took her daughter in her arms, covering her face in kisses and punctuating each kiss with endearments. And as Sarah clung to her mother, as she felt herself enfolded in the warmth and the scented smell of her, she felt something happening to the empty place deep inside that had been with her since she was a child. It was filling, like an underground geyser sending up a hot column of water to the bright sunlight above, and as it rose all the pain and anguish was melting inwards to meet it until all that was left was pure joy.

  And the rocking continued, her mother’s voice repeating, ‘I love you, I love you, my brave brave little lass. There, there, my bairn, I love you . . .’

  She had dreamt this moment as a child so many times - tasted it, lived it, only to wake in the morning and have it taken from her. But this was that morning, this was real, and her voice reflected her ecstasy as she whispered, ‘I’ve found you, mam.’

  Chapter Twenty-five

  ‘Rodney? She’s started, lad.’ Nancy listened to the voice at the other end of the telephone as she smiled at her daughter sitting at the kitchen table, and then said, ‘Of course I’m sure. I might only have had the one but there are some things that never change.’ A pause, and then, ‘Aye, her waters went a minute or two ago.’

  ‘Tell him we’ll meet him at the hospital.’

  ‘She said for you to meet us at the hospital.’ Another pause and then Nancy laughed before saying, ‘All right, all right, lad, we’ll wait here, don’t you fret. An’ drive carefully mind, it’ll be hours yet. Aye, I’ll tell her.’

  Nancy put down the receiver. ‘He sends his love, bless him. By, you’d never think he was a doctor an’ used to all this, the way he’s panicking.’ Sarah grinned at her, and then, as Nancy added, ‘Any pains yet, lass?’ shook her head.

  ‘No, not yet. This will be a doddle.’

  ‘Aye, maybe, but don’t count your chickens afore they’re hatched, now then. There’s some hard work ahead, lass. Well, your man’s on his way back, so do you want me to call Florrie at the old folks’ home an’ get her to tell Maggie an’ Rebecca? An’ I’ll need to let Bill know where I am.’

  ‘Maggie and Florrie are away with the old folk at the home on that weekend coach trip, but you could leave a message for them for when they get back, and perhaps Bill could pop round and tell Rebecca?’

  It had amazed Sarah, over the last four weeks since she had found her mother, how easily Nancy had fitted into their lives, and they into Nancy and Bill’s. It seemed ridiculous to say that it was as though they had never been parted, but it was true, and each time Sarah thought of it the wonder never ceased to thrill her.

  And Rodney, he had been so good. Her heart glowed as she thought of her husband. Not a spark of jealousy, not the slightest bit of impatience or resentment at her and Nancy’s absorption in each other. Oh, he was lovely. And her mother adored him. Maggie had been a bit of a problem at first . . .

  She shifted in her seat as the first cramp-like pain, slight but definitely there nevertheless, came and went.

  But between the three of them they had reassured Maggie that her place within the family was sacrosanct, and now the old woman acted as though Sarah’s search to find her beginnings had been all her idea. And she loved Jack’s children, they were already treating her like a favourite grandma.

  The thought of the three little boys brought Sarah’s mind back to what was happening to her, and she reached out a hand to her mother now as she said, ‘Don’t forget you promised to stay until it’s over. I want you there.’

  ‘I’ll stay unless you tell me to go, lass, never you fear. Mind you, I think it’s that man of yours that will need more encouragement from what I can make out. Now, let’s get your case down an’ be ready and waiting when he comes.’

  Pray God, she was going to be all right. Pray God.

  Once in the bedroom upstairs Nancy found herself on her knees by the bed, her fingers reaching for the rosary in her pocket as she began to pray with a fervency that had been missing for years, her heart and soul straining out to the Almighty.

  God wouldn’t give her her lass back only to take her away again so soon, would He? she asked herself some moments later when she rose slowly to her feet. But her lass’s birth had nearly killed her, and the subsequent infection and lack of treatment had meant no more babies. What if she had passed her weakness on to Sarah, like Molly Pearson in Duncan Street? She had died giving birth to her Emily, and Emily had died when little Gladys came . . .

  ‘Stop it, now. What’s the matter with you?’ She whispered the words out loud with her eyes tightly closed and her heart pounding. She hadn’t died with her Sarah, that was the point here, and Sarah wasn’t going to die either. Her mam had been fond of saying that you make your own luck in this world, and that was about the only true thing Minnie McHaffie had ever said. Her Sarah was a strong woman, strong in mind and body, and she was healthy too. When she’d had Sarah all those years ago she had been in no state to give birth to a bairn, the lack of nourishment and ill treatment she had endured for years at her mam’s hands making her weaker than a child herself. Two days and two nights her labour had gone on, and that wouldn’t be allowed now either. She had begged her mam to fetch someone, the midwife, a neighbour, anyone . . .

  Enough. Nancy pushed the memories aside. That was then and this was now, and the blight Minnie McHaffie had put on all their lives was over. Sarah had finished it, first by fighting back and refusing to die, and then by carving a life for herself and searching out her roots. The mould was broken, Sarah was going to be fine.

  Nancy stood up, folding her arms tightly under her breasts and swaying slightly as she breathed in and out deeply for a few moments, before reaching for the case at her feet. She had never thought to see this day, never dreamt she might hold her own grandchild in her arms, but now the years stretching ahead had taken on a glow that made her count her blessings a hundred times a day. She was a fortunate woman. Aye, she was a very fortunate woman to receive her bairn back from the dead. She raised her face heavenwards, her eyes shut as she whispered, ‘Thank you, thank you.’

  ‘Is it always like this?’

  ‘Aye, hinny, aye. Ask the doctor here.’ Nancy was trying to make light of it as she waved her hand at Rodney who was standing at the other side of the hospital bed.

  ‘You’re doing fine.’ Rodney nodded to emphasize his words as he said again, ‘You’re doing fine.’

  They had arrived at the hospital at midday and now it was almost midnight, and Sarah was tired. She felt that her stomach was caught in a huge vice that squeezed and squeezed until she couldn’t bear it a second longer, at which point the vice eased until the next time it gripped her flesh. She couldn’t believe women went through this torture time and time again. But the medical staff didn’t seem worried . . .

  She glanced at her mother now, knowing the pain would become excruciating again in a few moments, and said, ‘Was it like this with me?’

  ‘Aye, aye, but somehow, the minute you see its face, you’ll forget the pain, lass. If the good Lord hadn’t made it so, the human race would’ve died out a long time ago.’

  ‘I don’t think Rebecca was in as much pa
in as this. Or no, maybe she was, thinking back. She shouted a bit.’

  ‘Everyone’s different, lass, but it’s all the same in the end. Out they pop.’

  Sarah wished it would pop out. She could understand now why Rebecca had gone hysterical at the thought of her being sent out of the room when she had been giving birth to Lucy-Ann. This might be the most natural thing in the world, according to men, but she wouldn’t have believed it could hurt so much.

  With the next pain Sarah got the urge to push, and the midwife sent her mother and Rodney out of the room while she examined her patient.

  ‘Good.’ She had begun to get worried over the last half an hour or so, but the cervix was nicely dilated and the girl still wasn’t too tired to give some good pushes. ‘Now you can start doing some work, Mrs Mallard. I always think it’s better at this last stage, you don’t just have to lie there and take it any more.’