Safe (Conquering)

by Ryan Michele

  Better it was me, than someone I loved.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Aunt Maggie asked, snapping me into the present.

  I shook my head no.

  Aunt Maggie sat next to me on the bed, lifting one leg and turning toward me. I moved to the same position.

  “It’s okay, you don’t need to. Can I tell you a story?”

  A story. What?

  I shook my head.

  “Just listen.” She took her hand and patted my leg.

  I just sat there while she talked.

  “Back in high school, there was this young lady who was madly in love with the hottest boy in school. He was super popular and the star football player. All the girls wanted to be with him, but he chose her. She was incredibly happy with him.”

  Pausing to take a breath, she continued, “Slowly, she started distancing herself from her friends. She had every excuse in the book, but the real reason was him. He wanted to be the center of her universe, and she was more than happy to accommodate him.”

  I sat there listening to her story. Part of me wanted to scream, ‘why are you telling me this?’ The other part, though, was screaming at this girl to get away from him.

  “He somehow convinced her that she would be nothing without him. That he was the reason she was popular. He was the reason she was the most envied girl in school, and he could rip it away anytime he wanted to. She believed him.”

  Drawing in a steady breath, Aunt Maggie grabbed my hands and looked deep in my eyes. The tears stinging the back of my eyes wanted to come out. I did my best to blink them away. It was hard when Aunt Maggie had so much concern laced in her eyes.

  “When he began using his hands on her, she didn’t have anyone to turn to. She had effectively lost her friends, and he was the only one she had left. Even when the marks were becoming more pronounced, she made excuses for him—she fell or ran into the table. She did anything and everything to protect him, when she was the one who needed protection.”

  “Why did she protect him?” I whispered.

  “There were a few reasons actually. One, she was the most popular girl in school with the most popular boy. You know that holds a lot of weight in high school. Two, she lost all of her friends, and if she lost him, she would be alone. Being alone is a very scary thought. Three, her sister.”

  My eyes grew wide. I couldn’t help the kneejerk reaction to her words. She patted my hands and continued.

  “See, he told her that if she told anyone, he would break up with her and go out with her sister. And she knew what that would entail and didn’t want to subject her to that.”

  “She was protecting her. Did she get away?” My words were so quiet. I was terrified to hear the answer, but could relate to protecting a loved one.

  “Yes, she did. Now, it wasn’t by opening her mouth, which over the years she realized was a huge mistake. It was circumstances. He got a football scholarship and moved away. He didn’t even look back at her. She was crushed, and well, destroyed, but it ended up being the best thing for her, even if it took her years to figure it out.”

  So, she got away, but never told a soul. He just walked away, which was something I knew Rob would never do. What was I supposed to do with this? If anything it was making me jealous.

  It only gave me one answer. Aunt Maggie knew what was going on with me.

  She hadn’t come out and said it, but she knew.

  “What happened to her?” I asked.

  “She went to college, met a wonderful man, has been married for thirty years, and has two beautiful children.”

  “Sounds like she did good.” I give her a small smirk.

  “It took a long time to heal those wounds. The emotional ones were harder than the physical. The physical fade in a few weeks, whereas the emotional stays with a person forever.”

  I didn’t say anything to her. I just watched her face. She was etched with … hurt?

  “You really don’t know, do you Sadie?”

  “Know what?”

  “It’s me, Sadie. The girl is me.”

  My eyes opened wide, and I gasped. Shocked, stunned, speechless, all of these mixed emotions ran through me. Aunt Maggie was in a relationship like me. She knew. She … protected my mom.

  The tears began to spill over and run down my face, but no words came out of my mouth.

  Aunt Maggie pulled me into her and held me in her arms while I cried and cried.

  I wanted to tell her now more than ever. I wanted to blurt it out. But the fear was too strong. The fear of Rob.

  “Sadie, I just want you to know that you can talk to me whenever you want. I am always here to listen. I have to tell you something else.”

  I sat back on my knees and watched her face.

  “I didn’t fully heal until Jim. Until I met him and he showed me what a loving relationship was. Now, don’t get me wrong. I fought him.” She looked at me while I flinched. “No, no, no. Not like that. I resisted and pushed him away. I didn’t want to be hurt again. I didn’t think I could survive it again. I thought that I didn’t deserve to have a nice guy love me or care about me. Jim showed me otherwise. Every day I thank him.”

  Aunt Maggie’s eyes were so full of love and hope. I wondered if mine would ever feel that again. I knew she was talking about Landon.

  With my mind so focused on Rob and my mistakes, I really hadn’t taken the time to think about him in that way. The past day he’d been my comfort and safety. I couldn’t explain it. I just did.

  A safety that I didn’t know existed. But could I trust it? I didn’t know.

  “Sadie, things in this life happen for a reason. We don’t always know what that reason is, and we may hate that we’re subjected to learning it the way we do. But like it or not, we learn from it. We grow from it.”

  “But how does someone get out of it?” I whispered to her, not making eye contact.

  Without hesitation, Aunt Maggie looked deep in my eyes. “By talking. Talking to one’s mom, friend, aunt, cousin. Talking and not hiding what’s happening.”

  I stared at her. She knew that was easier said than done. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t. I felt that Aunt Maggie would believe me though. She was the first person who I thought would get it.

  But I kept my mouth shut and wiped my face.

  “I’m sorry about the mirror. I’ll replace it.”

  “Nonsense. Those Ellison boys already did. It’s as if it never happened.”

  Yeah … right. No one would forget this. “Come on. Clean yourself up. Uncle Jim wants his hug.” She smiled at me and stood up from the bed, holding her hand out for me to grab. I took it and rose from where I was sitting.

  Aunt Maggie wrapped me in a huge hug, which I returned.

  After cleaning up, we headed down the hall where I heard laughter. Landon’s laughter. The sound made me smile. His laugh was so manly and deep. I loved hearing it.

  Aunt Maggie cleared her throat, and both Landon and Uncle Jim turned to look at us. Landon gave me a small smirk, which I mirrored.

  Uncle Jim got up from his seat, coming over to me. He wrapped his arms around me in a huge bear hug, picking me up off the floor and causing me to smile.

  “Hey little girl. How are ya?” he asked, setting me back down on the ground.

  “Okay. How about you?”

  “Good. Good.” He let go of me and wrapped his arm around Aunt Maggie. Seeing them together now, knowing what Aunt Maggie went through, I envied them.

  It saddened me, too. Would I ever have something like this? Rob would never allow it.

  I peek over to Landon, “You can go. You don’t have to stay. I’m okay.” I smile at him, wrapping my arms around myself.

  Landon’s expression faltered for a moment when sadness crossed his eyes. He immediately wiped it from his face and walked toward me. Wrapping his arms around me, he kissed my hair. “I told you I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me.”

  The smile on my face said it all. I wanted him
here with me. I wanted to be here in his arms.

  The next few days flew by.

  There was always someone with me at all times—Lauryn, Aunt Maggie, Uncle Jim, and Landon didn’t let me out of their sights.

  It was nice to have people care about me, but also freaky to think that I’d scared them this much that they didn’t want to leave me alone. I wasn’t planning on taking my life or anything like that.

  No one brought up what happened. I thought this to be very strange, at first, but soon came to realize they were giving me space. They wanted me to come to them. To trust them. Which I didn’t know if I could.

  Landon was either with me or calling me. While I really loved having him around, I was learning quickly that this was becoming more than a friendship.

  I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Did I like it? Yes. Did it scare the shit out of me? Yes. Was I terrified of him getting hurt? Absolutely.

  He had never once tried to kiss me, but his constant gentle touches caused my body to overheat.

  Since postponing the dinner with his parents because ‘I didn’t feel well,’ they were expecting us at their place tomorrow night. I was a bit nervous, but it was just dinner.

  My hands were healing up nicely. The scabs that formed weren’t pretty, but they didn’t hurt. I’d had much worse. I didn’t have to wear the bandages and had no more passing out episodes.

  “Sadie?” I turned toward my bedroom door and saw Landon leaning against the doorjamb, with his arms crossed against his chest and his megawatt smile plastered on his face.

  I couldn’t help but smile back. He was unbelievably gorgeous.

  “Hey Landon.”

  “Lauryn let me in.”

  “I just figured you used the key.” I knew he had it from when he worked on the place.

  Smiling he said, “I’ll have to remember that.”

  “What’s up?”

  “I was wondering if you would go for a drive with me.”

  “Drive? Where to?”

  “Just to this awesome spot I want to show you.”

  I hadn’t been out of the house since the incident, as we were calling it, and it would be nice to get some fresh air.

  “Sure. Let me throw some things together.”

  Moving from the doorway, Landon wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly, which I did the same.

  He pulled away slightly and looked in my eyes. His eyes then drifted toward my lips. I knew what he was thinking, and I wanted it, too. But he didn’t act on his thoughts. He just said, “Hurry. I can’t wait to show you.” Then he left the room.

  The drive was pretty short, but when he pulled onto the dirt road, I began to take in my entire surroundings. Tall, beautiful trees lined the dirt road. At the end, I saw the sheen of water that the sun beautifully reflected off. Driving closer, I saw a large grassy area that the trees gave wonderful shade to. Relaxing was the first word that came to mind.

  I didn’t see anyone around. It was just us.

  “What is this place?” I asked, reaching for the door handle.

  “This is my lake. You looked so peaceful that first night sitting by yours; I wanted to bring you to mine.”

  “This is yours? It’s huge!” My excitement got the best of me. After parking and getting out, we both walked to the front of his truck and looked out at the lake.

  “Yep. It’s mine. I love it out here. Hang on.”

  I watched as Landon went back to his truck and pulled out a blanket from the back cab. He looked at me and smiled, which made me smile back.

  How could this be happening to me? I told Lauryn … no complications. I already had one problem I was trying to escape. What was I doing? But the smile on his face told me exactly what I was doing … falling. Damn it.

  Ever since my freak out, he’d been absolutely wonderful. He’s held me when I needed to cry, held me as I slept every night, brought Lauryn and I dinner, and helped clean up the house. These actions touched me more that I could express to him.

  I had flashbacks of Rob, though, and how he was after my dad died. He was the same way. At least what I could remember of it. I was pretty out of it.

  There was one huge difference between these two men, though.

  When Rob held me, even before the hitting began, I never felt like I could fully let my guard down. I always had this feeling I couldn’t describe but could feel wasn’t right.

  When Landon held me, I melted into him. I felt every bit of tension in my body disappear. His arms didn’t scare me as before. I was finding that inside his arms was the best place I could want to be.

  “Come on!” I didn’t even realize that Landon had already walked down toward the bank of the lake.

  Shaking out of my thoughts, I headed to him. I watched as he laid the blanket out on the grass and began to lie down.

  “Lay with me. We can watch the trees.”

  Moving at a snail’s pace, I walked over to the blanket to lie down.

  “This is beautiful. The way they blow in the breeze. It’s like they’re dancing,” I said as I was looking up at the magnificent trees.

  “Yes. It’s beautiful.” Turning my head to Landon, he’s staring at me.

  Feeling my face flush, I couldn’t help but stare into his eyes. We had done this many times over the last few days, and I wished I could read his thoughts.

  Not saying another word, he leaned up on his elbow and stared down at me.

  Within his gaze, I saw caring, understanding, and something else.

  “You scared the shit out of me the other day.” We really hadn’t talked about anything that happened that day. I didn’t know if I wanted to break that trend.

  “Sorry,” I said.

  “You know you can talk to me about anything?”

  I closed my eyes and didn’t answer him. I didn’t want to see the hurt in them.

  “Thank you for letting me stay with you.”

  My eyes popped open, and I stared at him. That was not what I was expecting.

  “Thank you for staying.”

  “Have you liked me staying with you?”

  Hell yes! I wanted to yell that. I’d never felt as safe at night or slept so well in years. Having his arms wrapped around me was the ultimate comfort. “Yes.” I wasn’t going to lie.

  “Can I stay with you a while longer?” I saw the hope in his eyes and heard the nervousness in his voice.

  “I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.” I smiled at him.

  “Holding you has become one of my favorite things in the world to do.” His hand lightly brushed my face.

  “I like it, too.” My voice was barely audible.

  “Good ‘cause I don’t think I could sleep without you now.”

  I felt my body heat, and I must have turned every shade of red imaginable. I stayed silent caught by my embarrassment, but continued to gaze in his eyes.

  “I need to kiss you, Sadie. Please let me.”

  Please let him. He was asking me permission. This man was way too good to be true. This couldn’t be real … could it? And for the first time in a long time, I gave in to something that I wanted.

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  Not wasting a second, he brought his lips down to mine, but first whispered, “I’ve wanted to kiss you since I laid eyes on you. You are so beautiful.”

  I felt my body catch fire as he pressed his lips to mine. His hand came up to my cheek and began rubbing it softly, leaving beautiful tingles in its path.

  His lips were soft and coaxing. When his tongue swept across my lip, begging for access, I instantly gave in. I felt my entire body soften and relax into his touch.

  Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pulled him down to me and began really kissing him back. His tongue was so soft, and the way it brushed mine sent fire burning throughout my body.

  I gave him everything I could through this kiss, not wanting to come up for breath. I never wanted it to end.

  Way sooner than I wanted, Landon pulled away from my li
ps, panting, pressing his forehead to mine. Gazing at me, “Wow,” was all he said.

  “Yeah. Wow,” I responded. It felt hard for me to breathe, like all the air had been sucked out of me.

  His hand came back to my face and brushed my cheek softly. “Thank you.”

  Reaching to his face, I traced his bottom lip with my thumb. He closed his eyes at my touch. Seizing the opportunity, I rose up from the blanket and pressed my lips to his again.

  Not opening his eyes, he began to kiss me back. The fire and intensity were burning me. I had never ever felt this way with Rob or anyone else. This was different, so consuming and yet so gentle and loving. I relished in it and felt my heart warming instantly.

  Losing all track of time and making out like teenagers for the first time, we broke away, and I instantly felt the loss of him when he rolled to his back.

  I looked down at my hand when I felt his fingers entwine with mine. Even though we slept cuddled together with my head on his chest every night, this seemed more intimate—more real.

  Landon’s thumb drew lazy circles on my hand.

  Staring up at the trees, I imagined that this is how my life should be. A lone tear escaped my eye when the realization that this could never be me hit. I could never have a good guy. I should be with a wonderfully nice guy; we should be able to come to a place like this and relax, and I should feel the peace that I felt right now, every single day. I could never be happy and relaxed. Rob would find me.

  Landon perched himself back up on his elbow and wiped the tear away. “What’s wrong?”

  I loved how caring and concerned he was. I didn’t want to let him go. Even if I knew that I couldn’t keep him. I wanted him just for a while, and that might be wrong of me, but I couldn’t help it.

  “It’s just been an exhausting few days,” I said, smiling at him.

  “Come here.” Landon lay on his back and pulled me down onto him, the same position that we’d slept in for the past week. His smell was intoxicating.

  I focused on his heartbeat and breathing. In no time, my eyes drifted off.

  “Sadie,” I heard whispered.