by Josi Kilpack
Or so they thought. Eight months later, with things getting tense between her and her parents again, Terrezza went to the mall and never came home. Her car was found the next day with a note saying she needed a time-out and had gone to Danyelle’s. They didn’t know a Danyelle, and they hadn’t heard from Terrezza since that day. No phone call, no clues. She was gone.
Monique looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror again and said what she said nearly every morning. “I would do anything,” she whispered. “Anything to have you home again.”
The words melted into the walls. No one answered back. Terrezza had been gone four months and eight days. Though the police had done some looking around, they lost interest quickly. Terrezza had a history, and everyone—even Monique and Harrison—had to admit that in all likelihood she’d run away again.
And yet, it didn’t feel right. She’d been doing better. And none of her friends—not even the loser ones—knew where she might have gone. She was gone for Christmas, New Year’s, and now Easter and her seventeenth birthday.
Monique finished her morning routine and left for work, almost disappointed that she wasn’t any more depressed today than she had been yesterday. Maybe depression itself had limits.
At a staff meeting that afternoon the employees were asked to write up a one-page job description. It was necessary for some grant the library was applying for. Monique took notes, finished her shift, and returned to her empty house, wishing the other kids were still living at home.
Jamie, their oldest, lived in New York and worked at a bank while attending NYU. She rarely called home anymore. Karl, the proverbial middle child, was living with friends across town, drinking too much, and threatening to marry his girlfriend. He’d been attending Ann Arbor with a major in computer science but dropped out after Terrezza’s disappearance. Each of them was trying to make sense of what had happened to their family—each of them avoiding one another as if to ignore the reminder of what they’d lost. It wasn’t that they had ever been particularly close, but whatever bonds they did have seemed to have dissolved as the weeks and months since Terrezza’s disappearance passed them by.
Monique wasn’t hungry and had no one to cook for, so she sat down at the computer to type up the job description. It took several seconds to figure out how to even turn the thing on. Terrezza had been the computer administrator in their home. Monique had heard once that her generation were like technology immigrants, whereas her children’s generation were natives. She had no doubt that was true. The kids could make the computer do amazing things. Monique was lucky if she could find the print command all by herself. When she managed the jewelry store she avoided most of the technology, leaving that to the younger employees. Since working at the library she’d had to become more comfortable with a keyboard, but it was still intimidating.
She opened Microsoft Word and was reminded why she avoided this computer specifically. Terrezza was still in it. Her files were there—titles like “If I Had Pink Eyebrows, What Would They Say?” which had been an assignment for her creative writing course. There was something titled “Buddhism in the Modern World” for her world studies class and one titled “The Fibula Connected to the Patella” that must have been biology related. Terrezza had always had a way with words—and the files still waiting in the computer attested to it. Monique told herself not to, but she couldn’t help it. She clicked on a report titled “Appendicitis”—it was a report Monique didn’t remember Terrezza working on. She wanted to hear her daughter’s voice through the words of her silly report, remember that Terrezza had once had a life full of mundane topics to stress about. Where was she now? What was she doing? Was she thinking about home today?
Monique furrowed her eyebrows when the document opened. It had nothing to do with appendicitis. In fact, it looked like instructions for some kind of computer program. Why was it in a document titled “Appendicitis”?
She told herself she didn’t know enough about computers to warrant concern—but she couldn’t help it. She hurried to the kitchen and picked up the phone, calling her son’s cell number. It went to his voice mail.
“Hi, Karl, I wondered if you could come help me with the computer. I found something that looks kind of weird. . . . Uh, . . . anyway, give me a call.”
8
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, April 18, 1:50 PM
Subject: Re: Take my cousin please!!
Em—
Now, tell me the truth, is Colt a total nerd? Not that I’m NOT a nerd, but still. Is he super annoying? I have five little brothers and sisters—I have no more room for annoying in my life!! But if he’s not totally lame, then yeah, it might be fun. I know you two are really close, so that’s a good thing. I’ve never e-mailed with a guy before. I’ve GOT to get a new picture for my bored!! You haven’t showed him my old one have you? If he sees my picture he won’t want anything to do with me.
I’m in Computers and I only have a minute so if I just stop typing you’ll know that the teachers ba
Jess hit send and swallowed as Mr. Paxton crossed to his desk. She hadn’t seen him come back in and could feel his eyes on her. Had he seen her send the e-mail? She didn’t dare look up. She quickly closed her e-mail program and went back to the project she was working on, building a website. After almost a minute she felt herself relaxing. If he hadn’t said anything by now, she must have gotten away with it. She felt a little thrill of victory, even if her heart was still racing at the mere consideration of getting caught.
Jess finished her project a few minutes later, and raised her hand so that Mr. Paxton would check it on his computer. It was ironic that Spyware, the big, bad threat of Internet users everywhere, was put to consensual use here in school. It allowed Mr. Paxton to keep vigilance over every computer in the lab. After a minute an IM popped up—that’s how Mr. Paxton communicated with his students.
Mr. P: Good site, but if you use class time for personal e-mails again I will put you on a blocked computer.
Jess felt her cheeks heat up and she looked around as if he’d said everything out loud. There were two blocked computers at the far side of the room. They were specifically designed to keep kids from getting online, and only troublemakers—kids that looked up porn or abused their Internet privileges—were sent there. She swallowed her embarrassment and wondered what she should do. Jess had never gotten in trouble in class before. Should she pretend she didn’t know what he was talking about? Should she apologize? Picturing herself sitting at a blocked computer, with everyone smirking at her, caused her heart to race all over again. Another IM message popped up.
Mr. P: Do you understand?
Jess swallowed again and held back the tears, reprimanding herself for being such a baby. Most kids got in trouble all the time. They’d just roll their eyes or shrug their shoulders. Why couldn’t she be like that? Why did she have to feel things so much? She hurried to reply before he had to ask her again. He must think she was such an idiot.
JessT: I understand, I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll never do it again.
She barely had time to take a breath before he wrote back again.
Mr. P: Good. You’re an excellent student, Jessica, I expect better from you.
Now she felt even worse. She looked up and could see Britney watching her from her computer across the room. “What’s going on?” Britney mouthed, but Jess just looked away, trying to duck behind her computer monitor so that Britney couldn’t see her face.
JessT: Okay. I’m sorry.
When the bell rang a minute later, Jess bolted for the door, wanting to put as much distance between her and Mr. Paxton as possible.
“Jess,” Britney called. Jess had already cleared the classroom. A hand grabbed her arm. Jess stopped but didn’t turn around; she probably looked like a total nerd for hurrying out of the classroom so fast. She felt tears come to her eyes again. Not now,
she told herself. Not in front of Britney. She blinked quickly and for once wished Britney was off with her new friends somewhere. She was ignoring Jess more and more all the time—why not now?
“What’s going on?” Britney asked.
Jess had no choice but to turn around, but she wouldn’t meet Britney’s eyes. She tugged at the hem of her T-shirt. “Nothing,” she said, looking at the ground.
“Jess,” Britney said in a tone that sounded so much like Jess’s mom that Jess looked up. “Your face was like beet red,” Britney said, a laugh in her voice. Jess felt her cheeks heat up again. “And I’ve known you for, like, forever, so what happened?”
“I just sent an e-mail. Mr. P caught me.”
Britney laughed again and Jess wanted to melt through the floor. “Is that all?” she rolled her eyes. “Everyone messes around when he leaves the room—it’s one of the perks of being online in the middle of the day.”
Jess just nodded. She knew other people broke the rules, but she didn’t know anyone that had been caught. Was she the only one stupid enough to be noticed? Was she once again out of the loop like she always was?
“What did he say to you?” Britney asked. She started walking and Jess walked with her, though she really wanted to be alone.
“He said he would put me on a blocked computer if I did it again.”
“Are you serious?” Britney said, and Jess began to feel like maybe Britney was being sympathetic. But then Britney laughed again.
“What’s so funny?”
Jess and Britney both swung their heads around at the same moment. Nick Tolson was walking behind them, hurrying to catch up. He was a junior, totally ripped and with long brown hair. He was on the basketball and track teams and lots of girls said they only went to the games and meets to watch him. It just so happened that because Jess took so many advanced classes, Nick was in three of them—including her computer class. Jess sat just two desks away from him, not that he’d ever noticed her before. Jess tried to stand up straighter, hating how she felt like such a frump next to Britney.
“Mr. P caught Jess sending an e-mail. He said if she does it again she’ll get a blocked computer.” Jess tried to smile, as if she thought it was kind of cool to get in trouble. But then Britney finished. “Would that be hilarious? Jess over there in a corner all by herself.”
Nick laughed. Britney laughed. Jess was frozen. Britney was making fun of her? Nick saved her from having to respond by ignoring her completely. He looked at Britney, “Are you coming to Spring Fling with us?”
“Oh yeah,” Britney said, flashing her beauty queen smile. “I’m totally there.”
“Sweet,” Nick said, and passed them by, calling out to someone farther down the hall. Britney turned back to Jess as if nothing had happened. “Well, I better hurry to my next class,” Britney said, already moving down the hall. “Catch ya later, Jess.”
Jess just stood there. It took all her energy to keep from crying. Kids rushed by, hurrying to class, and she reviewed what had just happened. Was Emily right about Britney? Was Jess holding onto a friendship that had played itself out already? The thought gave her a pit in her stomach, but she couldn’t ignore what had just happened. Jess would never have done something like that to Britney. Never. And Britney was going to Spring Fling with Nick Tolson? Neither Britney nor Jess were sixteen yet. They used to whine about the fact that they’d never get to go to dances their sophomore year thanks to their families’ rules about not dating before sixteen. But Britney was going?
The bell rang and broke the spell of self-recrimination. Jess hurried down the hall, around the corner, and into her next class. At the doorway of the classroom she realized she hadn’t stopped at her locker to get her book, which meant she was unprepared. But she was already late and the teacher had seen her; in fact, the entire class was looking at her standing in the doorway.
“Jessica Thompson,” the teacher said, smiling at her sarcastically as Jess’s face grew hot for the third time in ten minutes. Nick Tolson was in this class too, and he smirked, leaned over to a friend, and whispered something. Jess had no doubt it was about her. “How nice of you to join us,” the teacher continued. “Why don’t we start by having you work out this equation on the board?”
9
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, April 18, 2:55 PM
Subject: You’ll never believe what happened!!
Em—
Today was like the worst day of my life, you’ll never believe what Britney did to me. I so wish you lived here, that we went to the same school. It’s so not fair. But I think you were right about her. She was so rude to me today. It happened after computer . . .
“Hey, Jess,” Kate said when Jess entered the kitchen. She’d immediately gone into the study when she got home from school and Kate was surprised she was out so soon. Sometimes Kate worried Jess was on the computer too much, but they had a really good virus blocker thing installed when they got the new Internet hookup and that made her feel a lot better. And with all the advanced courses Jess took, she was always loaded with homework. Kate wondered if she should cut back on the forty-five minutes of free time.
Kate didn’t look up from the dough she was shaping into rolls. The kids would be home any minute, and she wanted to get the rolls covered and out of the way before they came in. Honestly, it was like opening the floodgates when they got off the bus. Not that she minded, but it did necessitate a certain amount of forethought. When Jess didn’t answer, Kate looked up at her daughter. “Everything okay?”
Jess went to the fridge. “Yeah,” she said. But something was off in her tone and Kate furrowed her brow. So many teenage emotions to try to make sense of. Poor Jess.
“Are you sure?” Kate asked. She shaped the last roll, covered the pan with a flour sack towel, and put the pan on top of the stove. She washed her hands while waiting for Jess to respond. When she didn’t, Kate tried again. “Is there some secret password that will get you to open up?” she asked playfully.
Jess looked over her shoulder and met Kate’s eyes. “Open Sesame,” Kate said, making a popcorn-popping-on-the-apricot-trees motion. The water from her freshly washed hands splashed, causing Jess to pull back. “Or Abracadabra or maybe chocolate cake.” She smiled at her own humor, but Jess looked at her like she had flowers growing out of her head and turned back to the fridge. Maybe that kind of thing didn’t work so well with teenagers. So then, what did?
Jess finally turned back and shut the fridge with her foot, a yogurt in her hand. Kate opened the silverware drawer and handed Jess a spoon. “What’s the matter?” she asked, choosing the direct approach over the cute one this time.
Jess looked up at her with an expression that almost convinced Kate she was going to say something. “You know you can tell me anything, right?” Kate kept her face soft and open so as to be encouraging. She also fervently prayed that whatever Jess had to say would be something she could answer. But just as Jess opened her mouth the front door burst open.
“Mom!” Keith yelled. “Justin fell on his scooter and he’s all bloody!”
“What?” Kate said. Justin had been downstairs watching cartoons only fifteen minutes earlier. She untied her apron as she ran for the door, remembering that Justin had been asking to ride his scooter all afternoon and Kate had kept telling him she’d go outside with him in a minute. Apparently the minutes had dragged on too long.
Sure enough, he was in the driveway screaming his head off—she wondered why she hadn’t heard him from the house. She scooped him up and hurried back inside, trying to calm him down and convince Keith that his brother’s leg did not need to be amputated while Caitlyn and Sharla trailed behind her. By the time he was bandaged up and the other kids were calmed down, Chris was awake. Kate fed the toddler, supervised homework time, continued to comfort Justin, and before she knew it an hour had passed and it was almost time to
leave for Keith’s karate. That was when she remembered Jess.
“Jess,” she called, feeling horrible that their moment had been interrupted. She checked the study, but Jess wasn’t there. She hurried downstairs, while hollering for Keith to get ready. They needed to leave in five minutes. The door to Jess’s room was closed and Kate couldn’t hear any sound behind it. She turned the doorknob quietly and pushed the door open a few inches. Jess was on her bed, the covers pulled up to her chin, her face toward the wall. Kate opened her mouth to say something, but then realized from the rhythmic breathing that Jess was asleep. She cocked her head to the side sympathetically and then pulled the door closed. On her way back upstairs, she made a mental note to find a chance to talk to Jess later.
“Caitlyn,” Kate said as she got to the top of the stairs. “You get to watch the kids today while I take Keith to karate, okay.”
“Really?” Caitlyn said, her eyes lighting up. “You’ll let me?”
