by Josi Kilpack
“You could take another one,” Julie said softly. “These home pregnancy tests can be less than reliable.”
“They’re both positive?” Kate said as the blood drained from her face. She took a step backward, hit the bed with the back of her legs, and was forced to sit.
Julie nodded. Kate looked at the floor and processed it. She was pregnant. She had exactly what she wanted, and yet it was all wrong. Julie came to sit next to her. She put a hand on Kate’s arm. “It’s really going to be okay,” she said.
Kate nodded, needing to be strong now that it was official. “Oh yeah,” she said. “Brad’s a good man. He’ll understand.”
“Exactly,” Julie said.
“It’ll be fine,” Kate said, wiping at the tears and standing up. She needed a distraction now; she needed a little time to put her words together.
“You okay with this?” Julie asked.
“Yeah, but I really need to bake something.” She smiled in an attempt to lighten the mood. Julie smiled back, willing to play along. “Should I make cinnamon rolls or chocolate cookies?”
“Oh, chocolate cookies,” Julie said with a decisive nod. “Chocolate helps everything. But I thought sweets made you sick.”
Kate made a face. “But I need to bake something.”
“How about butter-soaked, horribly fattening breadsticks?”
“It’s not chocolate—but butter will do the trick, too.”
23
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, April 27, 2:29 PM
Subject: checking in
Jess,
Emily just called me, her computer has fritzed on her. She’ll be back online in a week or two but until then it’s just you and me. I hope you can handle just chatting with me for awhile. I’m bummed that Emily’s not around but I have to admit that I like the idea of having you to myself—looking forward to your e-mails is what gets me through the days of school. I can’t wait until I graduate. I’m glad you figured out the IM program, let’s try to chat tonight—okay. Emily said I should ask you about some pictures—what’s she talking about?
And I’m asking you on an official IM date—tomorrow night, 7:00 your time. You up for it? I’ll bring flowers :)
Colt
So,” Dr. Lyon said after filling Brad in on the same details he had presumably given Kate last week. “Did that jibe with what she told you?”
Brad liked Dr. Lyon. He liked how up front he was, liked that he seemed to understand both sides of the coin. What bothered him was the way Kate had twisted the information—just as he’d accused her of doing.
“For the most part,” Brad said with a nod, though he was still lost in thought. “But she didn’t make things sound quite so serious.”
“Well, it’s a lot harder for women,” Dr. Lyon said. “Especially someone like your wife who obviously wants another child so badly.”
Brad nodded.
“You see, Mr. Thompson, for us men, it’s a very logical decision. We weren’t built for bearing children—physically or even emotionally. But women . . . ,” he shrugged. “They are created to have children. Their bodies, their hearts, their spirits—if you believe in that—have a very different capacity than ours do. Thus for a woman, such as your wife, who has obviously counted on many children, it’s—”
“We have six,” Brad reminded him, though he smiled politely. The man’s comments didn’t sound very doctorish, and Brad regarded him carefully.
“And I’m certainly not trying to tell you that your family plans are any business of mine,” Dr. Lyon continued. “I’m only saying that health concerns aren’t the only issue to consider.”
Brad had never heard a doctor talk this way. He wondered if it was even legal or ethical. And yet Dr. Lyon probably dealt with this kind of decision making every day.
“Health concerns certainly are not the only issue for me,” Brad said. “Six kids feels like an awful lot, and adding the health complications makes me even more comfortable with our family the way it is now.”
Dr. Lyon nodded. “I can completely understand that. I have four and can’t imagine more than that—but neither can my wife.” He smiled, but Brad couldn’t ignore the pointed nature of the comment. “The number of children a couple can and should have is a very personal decision between themselves and the Man Upstairs.”
God? Brad felt a tingling move down his spine and suddenly he saw the situation in a new light. Had he asked God? He’d prayed about this, of course, but he hadn’t really sought a direct answer. The fact was that he knew what he wanted. But that wasn’t enough. He hadn’t humbled himself enough to ask for the Lord’s opinion. Dr. Lyon interrupted Brad’s thoughts. “I hope that my comments haven’t come across as trying to interfere with any of that. I’m just a doctor.”
Brad looked up and smiled. “No,” he said, berating himself for the fact that he needed someone else, especially a stranger, to remind him of how these things were supposed to work. “I very much appreciate your comments. I think I need to ponder all this a little longer. But if my wife and I decide to pursue another pregnancy, you would watch her closely and do everything you could to help it come to term?”
“Absolutely,” Dr. Lyon said. “I specialize in high-risk pregnancies, and I would take no chances with your wife.”
Brad stood and put out his hand. Dr. Lyon stood as well and they shook on it. “Thank you,” Brad said.
“You’re welcome,” Dr. Lyon answered. “If you and your wife wanted to discuss things further—together, perhaps . . . ,” he smiled, and Brad nodded knowingly. It must seem a little strange that they had both come alone. “I’d be happy to make time for you both.”
24
Journal entry, April 27
I don’t really have much to write, except that I took the quilt into the women’s shelter and gave it to this lady. It was so awesome, and so sad at the same time. She has 3 little kids and her husband was a creep and finally left her all alone. She loved the quilt and I was so glad I gave it to her. It was awesome.
AND I met this guy. His name is Colt, he’s Emily’s cousin, and he’s like way cool. We have so much in common and even though he’s not my boyfriend or anything, it’s still really cool. He loves math, just like me, and loves to read, just like me, and loves shrimp, just like me—isn’t that amazing. AND he’s 18. I just wish I could tell Britney, she’d be so jealous. Anyhoo—I’m not going to the dance tomorrow, can you believe that? I even talked to dad and everything, but nothing’s happened. So lame. But Colt and I have an IM date, so that will be really cool and it will keep my mind off of all the fun Britney and her friends are having. Anyway—off to bed.
me
Kate did her best to avoid Brad on Thursday evening. He was late getting home, so that part was easy, and then there was another basketball game. She’d never appreciated the NBA so much. Jess wasn’t jumping up and down, so she assumed he hadn’t told her about the dance. She wondered why but wasn’t about to ask. She managed to go to bed before he did, but was just turning off the lights when he startled her by opening the door. Shoot.
“You weren’t going to try to go to bed without talking to me, were you?” He smiled at her, as if trying to let her know they were back on good terms.
“No, I’m just really tired.” She still didn’t know whether she was going to tell him before he left on his trip or not. With the dance, and the trip—it seemed so rushed, and she wasn’t sure she liked the idea of him leaving right after she dropped that kind of bombshell. She was waiting for some kind of divine intervention to let her know which direction to go. It seemed like as good a plan as any.
“So I talked to Dr. Lyon,” Brad said, sitting on the bed and looking at her. She remained standing, not daring to get too close. It was all so sad. It shouldn’t be like this. She should be excited to tell him, like she’d been with all the other kids. This should be a ce
lebration, not an apologetic admission.
“And?” she prodded after several seconds.
“And he didn’t say much to change my mind.”
Kate had expected as much, and she just nodded. Wouldn’t it be perfect if he had just accepted this, been supportive? Then when she announced the pregnancy he’d be halfway to being okay with things.
Brad reached out and took Kate’s hand, pulling her toward the bed and waiting for her to meet his eye. She was surprised by the intimacy of his actions and wasn’t sure how to react. Brad continued. “But he also made another point.” She furrowed her brow. What did he mean by that?
“Kate,” he said, “this is a decision that you, me, and the Lord are supposed to make. It’s not just about what either one of us wants, or are afraid of. It’s an eternal choice, and one I think I’ve been trying to make on my own.”
Tears started forming in her eyes as hope sprung up once more. “Kate,” he said again, softly, gently. “I do know how much you want this, I do. And I’m sorry I was so hard on you Saturday—I wasn’t really fair, and I apologize for losing my cool. You’re an excellent mother, and I know you love our kids very much.”
Kate appreciated the apology, but it was the first part of what he said that caught her attention. “Do you really understand how I feel about another baby?” she asked, just in case he was about to throw a “but” into the conversation. “Can you know?”
“I know you,” he said, smiling softly and taking her other hand. He was still sitting on the bed, and she looked down at him. “I know your heart, and I know you take your role as a mother and wife very seriously.”
She didn’t know what to say, and so she said nothing. “But please try to understand my perspective.” She looked away, and he waited until she met his eyes again. “I’m your husband. It’s my job to protect you and provide for you. The helplessness I felt when you got sick with Chris was overwhelming, and the very idea of endangering you again is more frightening than I could possibly put into words.” Brad wasn’t one to express his feelings so directly, and she couldn’t justify or ignore how seriously he felt about this. “Life is full of risk and unknowns—but to willingly step into such a scary situation is very hard for me to make sense of. Can you understand that?”
Kate pulled one of her hands away and touched his face, feeling so close to him, so sympathetic and yet knowing that it was too late. The die was cast, and there was no going back now. It didn’t matter what he thought or how he felt. He was stuck. The guilt for not telling him before now pressed hard against her chest. “Brad, I need to tell you—”
“I know you feel as strong as I do about this,” he interrupted. “So I have a proposal. I’m going to be gone for five days. Let’s both take this time and really pray about this, really look for answers. If we can both truly consider the other person’s perspective and then take that to the Lord, I think we can figure this out.”
Kate was stunned . . . and touched . . . and realized this might be the divine intervention she’d been hoping for. He would go on his trip, he’d be prayerful, and the Lord would soften his heart because the Lord knew exactly what was going on. He’d prepare Brad for it—yet there was still a thread of deception on her part. She should tell him right now . . . and yet destroy this moment? Render null and void all the things he’d just said after the horrible week the two of them had endured? How could she do that?
“Thank you,” she said, though she still felt guilty about it.
“You have to consider my position too,” he reminded her. “We both need to be in this together. You have to be just as willing to accept the Lord’s will on this and be open to the fact that perhaps he doesn’t expect us to risk your health for another child. We might be done.”
“Of course,” she said with a nod. “Of course, I’ll consider that, too.”
25
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, April 28, 1:34 PM
Subject: Pictures
Colt
I’m so sorry I wasn’t online last night. My sister was trying to burn a CD and it took forever! I can’t believe I’m risking a blocked computer to reply to you, but I can’t seem to help myself.
I would love to go on an IM date with you!! It will make the evening so much more bearable since everyone else is going to Spring Fling. I didn’t even get a baby-sitting job this weekend. I hate my mom for not letting me go—but at least I get to chat with you. Emily told you about the pictures? She is so funny. She wants me to send you a picture of me in a bikini—like I own one. I’m not a swimsuit kind of girl—trust me. But if I can help you with your dividends and statistics you just let me know.
Maybe I’ll get Britney to take some pictures of me if you’re sure you want them :). What about you—have you got pics? You don’t even have a bored—how come?
Teacher’s back Jess
The school office told Brad where Jess’s last class was, and he had been waiting in the hall for almost ten minutes. He really wished Kate had wanted to be a part of this, and yet he was loath to push things any more than he already had with the dance and gymnastics. She would come around and eventually she would understand why he’d done things this way. He was just glad the tension between them was somewhat lifted. It was nice to be friends again.
The bell rang, and he stepped out into the hallway so Jess would be able to see him.
“Dad?” Jess asked when she came out, clutching her books to her chest. “What are you doing? Is everything okay?”
Brad forced a smile. “Everything is great,” he said. “We’re going shopping.”
“Shopping?” Jess said as the two of them got jostled by the other students filling the hallway.
“For a dress.”
The furrow of Jess’s brow sunk even lower.
“For the dance,” he added.
Jess’s eyes went wide. “What?” she said, a slight squeal in her voice.
“If you stick to some set parameters, you can go tonight. I’m here to help you find the perfect dress.”
Brad had expected her to be excited, but when she dropped her books and jumped up to hug him, he was shocked. He hugged her back, and she started babbling and crying like a . . . well, like a teenage girl.
“I’ve got to tell Britney,” she said, picking up her books. “Can she come?”
“Sure,” Brad said, then hurried to add, “She can use my cell phone to call her mom. Julie’s going to help you guys get fixed up.”
Her expression faltered a little. “Did Mom say it was okay that I go?”
“Yeah,” he said, forcing his smile a little bigger in hopes of giving Jess a little more confidence. “But she had a lot to do today so she couldn’t do the shopping.”
An hour and a half later Brad was beside himself with gratitude that Britney had come. If it had been up to him, Jess would have gotten a really nice Sunday dress—but Britney provided the female opinion so desperately needed. After trying on eighteen dresses—at three different stores—Brad was seriously reconsidering Kate’s motives in suggesting he do this. It was torture.
But dress number nineteen changed everything. It was black, with a high waist that flattered Jess’s figure, cap sleeves, and a gauzy top layer that gave movement to the skirt. It brought out the deep brown of her eyes and didn’t clash with her hair. Seeing the smile on her face when she looked in the mirror was the final decider, though. It was as if she were seeing herself in a way she’d never imagined. She stood there for nearly a full minute, just looking at herself, with Brad and Britney behind her.
“Wow,” Britney said with reverence. “You look awesome.”
Brad nodded in agreement, but Jess didn’t even respond. Brad imagined that she was saying to herself that she was as beautiful as he’d always told her. She turned and gave him another big hug, thanking him over and over again. It nearly brought tears to his eyes to thi
nk she’d almost been denied this opportunity. Sure, if not for this dance there may have been another. But seeing the light in her face now—when she was struggling with her own self-confidence and he was looking for evidence of his own importance with his family—it was a priceless moment he’d never forget.
It was just half an hour later that he dropped Britney and Jess off at Julie’s house. Brad walked them up to the door and got another hug before the two girls dashed inside to get their hair and makeup done. Julie came to the door after they disappeared. “Great dress,” Julie said, smiling, though there seemed to be some hesitation in her expression.
“Yeah, Britney’s input made all the difference. Thanks for letting her come.”
