A Life Without You

by Shari Low

  ‘She always did and we were going to start trying but then one day she just changed her mind and started to come up with a million reasons we should wait. Her job. She wanted a bigger house. More money in the bank. It would stop us travelling. We weren’t ready to settle down. She had loads. A whole list of reasons why we shouldn’t and nothing on the list of reasons why we should.’

  ‘What did you do?’

  He thought for a moment. ‘Just hoped that she’d change her mind. I didn’t get it. Then I started thinking that she’d changed her mind about me too and maybe we were in trouble, but she said I was overthinking it and she just wasn’t ready. Soon, but not yet, she said.’

  ‘And that’s what you argued about that morning?’

  He nodded, sighing. ‘I brought it up again that morning and asked her to give me a timeframe, but she wouldn’t. So I got pissed off, asked her if she could really ever see herself having kids with me…’

  ‘Of course she did!’ I jumped in, heart breaking for him.

  ‘She said she didn’t know anymore.’

  ‘No way!’

  I could see his face in the light from inside and the anguish was in every crease and furrow of his brow. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Why didn’t she tell me any of this?

  He went on, ‘Then she left to go to your house and that was it. And sometimes I get so pissed off with her. I know that makes me a fucking horrible person, but it didn’t have to be like this. If she hadn’t changed her mind about kids, we could all be here now. Me, Dee, our baby. Maybe two. I’d still have a wife, and a family and it would all have been so fucking different.’

  I tried to form words but nothing was coming out. I was stunned. Completely shocked. It was a few moments before I recovered the power of speech. ‘I’m sorry Luke. I really am. I had no idea. We talked about everything, or at least I thought so, but she didn’t tell me any of this.’ I didn’t mention that a few things about New York had been a bit of a mystery too. Instead, I went on, ‘I would have helped if I could. Not that it would have made a blind bit of difference because it would have taken a better woman than me to change her mind about anything.’

  That part was absolutely true. Dee had the confidence, the stubbornness to remain completely resolute and steadfast in what she wanted. Always had. It was that bolshiness that got our shop opened, that grew our business, and that made our lives as full of adventures and experiences, even the ones we didn’t particularly want.

  ‘I don’t think anyone has that kind of superpower,’ he said, shaking off the sadness. ‘Christ, I’m sorry, Jen. This is what happens. One minute I’m holding it together and think I’m fine and the next I’m rocking back and forward being battered to death by a big stick of regret. I just wished I’d kissed her that morning before she left, you know? Told her how much I loved her.’

  ‘She knew.’

  ‘Yeah, I guess.’

  He got up and disappeared inside and came back out with two more beers. When he sat down, he pulled the huge blanket over a bit so it covered his knees too.

  ‘Why are we subjecting ourselves to frostbite out here?’

  I pointed upwards at the one and only spot of light in the sky. ‘Because it’s beautiful and we can see the stars.’

  ‘That’s a plane coming into land at Glasgow airport,’ he countered.

  ‘This is why I work in a shop and not in astronomy,’ I conceded, before going on. ‘You know, I’m beginning to wonder what the hell is wrong with me.’

  That surprised him. ‘Why?’

  ‘Was I in some weird trance for that last couple of years? The two people closest to me, Dee and Pete – no offence,’ I said, when I realised I’d excluded him from the list, ‘both had stuff going on that I knew absolutely nothing about. Dee was having this whole dilemma over starting a family and didn’t say a word. And Pete was slowly sinking into a pit of misery so deep he upped and left me. Jesus. I really need to work on my people skills. Is there anything about you I should know now? Please speak up and get it out of the way. Emigrating this weekend? Cross-dresser? Shagging Jennifer Aniston.’

  ‘Definitely that one,’ Luke said, the mood lifting thanks to my rant.

  ‘But really, how could I have been so blind to everything?’

  ‘Because you just like to see the good in everyone? Bugger, that was lame. Sorry. Best I could do on the spot.’

  I leaned over and flicked his ear, feigning irritation.

  ‘Talking of being clueless, I’m also guilty as charged. I had no idea what a tosser Pete was. Have you heard from him again?’ he said, asking the same thing Val and Josie had wanted to know earlier.

  ‘Not a word. Josie has threatened to have him exterminated. I’m thinking of taking her up on it,’ I joked, with just a tinge of bitterness.

  He put his feet up on the table in front of us. ‘You know, it’s strange to me. We were mates for, what? Five years? I mean, it’s one thing dumping your girlfriend of fifteen years, but you’d think he’d miss me more. We went through five league championships and several cup finals together.’

  The glint in his eyes told me he was kidding, but I went with it. ‘You’re absolutely right. Maybe you two could try some kind of mediation service. There must be one. Buddies Forever. Or The Bromance Breakdown Service. I’m just glad you have me and Budweiser to see you through this difficult time.’

  ‘And Callie,’ he added, with a cheeky grin.

  ‘Of course! And Callie! Is she still lusting after your body?” It felt weird saying that to my friend’s husband. At first the thought of him with another woman had made me feel slightly nauseous, but he assured me the feelings were only one way, so that made it easier to joke about it. Mark said she made it pretty clear she wanted to seduce you. Do people still say seduce? I’ve been out of this dating thing way too long.’

  ‘They do but only in TV shows set in the 1800s.’

  For the first time in months I could feel the knot of tension easing across the back of my shoulders. This was the first snatch of normality in so long, the first conversation that felt like the old days. For a moment I could almost believe that Pete and Dee were out for a jog, and Luke and I were sitting, passing the time with a couple of beers until they got back.

  I knew it wasn’t true, but I had a high enough alcohol level in my bloodstream to go with it just for a little while.

  ‘OK, so what do they say now? Get jiggy?’ I asked, giggling.

  ‘Since we’re not fourteen, I’d have to say no to “get jiggy”. He was properly laughing now too and it was so good to see. ‘All she said was that she’d like to go out some time. A date.’

  ‘Are you going to go?’

  He sighed, bringing the mood down. ‘I can’t see it. Every time I think about it the only person I see with me is Dee. I can’t imagine being with someone else. Just wouldn’t feel right.’ There was a twinge of relief when he said that. I wasn’t ready to face the possibility of Luke meeting someone else and building a different life.

  I nudged him. ‘God, we’re a couple of sad gits, aren’t we?’

  ‘Indeed we are. But the fact that there’s two of us makes me feel better about it. I’d hate to be the only pathetic git around here.’

  I held up my beer and he clinked the bottle with his.

  After knocking back another large gulp, I checked the time on my phone and saw it was after eight. ‘I’d better go. Work in the morning. Val said she’d pop in and help for a few hours. I really need to think about taking someone on permanently, or at least until Mark gets back. He reckons he’ll be here for three months next time. I hope so. I kinda got used to having him around.’

  ‘Yup,’ Luke agreed. ‘He was my Pete-replacement. I just hope he doesn’t desert me too or my new friends at the Bromance Breakdown Service will start to think it’s me. Bollocks, it’s freezing!’

  The last exclamation was in response to the fact that I’d whipped the blanket off and stood up. Time to go home. It had been a lon
g emotional day and I was glad it was over. Every day hurt, but the important ones were worse somehow.

  Luke held open the balcony door for me. ‘Thanks for coming back, Jen. The house is way too quiet without her.’

  ‘And mine’s way too quiet without Pete,’ I answered reflexively. It was true. ‘I’m starting to dread going home at night.’ I was walking ahead of him now, folding up the blanket and putting it back in the basket in the corner of the lounge.

  ‘Stay here.’

  I paused, turned. ‘What?’

  ‘Stay here. Come live here for a while until you decide what to do. The spare room is empty, it never gets used, and didn’t you help Dee decorate it anyway?’

  All of this was true, but still… I couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right. This wasn’t an episode of Friends where everyone just swapped apartments when their circumstances changed. This was real life and I couldn’t just up sticks and move in here. It would be wrong, wouldn’t it?

  ‘I think the beer has got the better of you, my friend. This is one of those decisions, like stopping for a kebab, when you wake up the next morning and really wish you hadn’t done it. But thank you,’ I leaned into him and gave him a hug. He was such a good guy. He didn’t deserve any of this.

  ‘Come on then, I’ll walk you home.’

  And suddenly the thought of going home on my own, in heels, walking back up that path, seeing where Dee had lain…

  ‘I’ll stay.’

  Why did I feel weird saying that? I’d slept over here dozens of times before. I even had pyjamas and toiletries in one of the drawers in the spare room. But on every one of those times, Dee had been here. Now she wasn’t and it just didn’t feel right. But then, nothing felt right anymore.

  ‘You sure?’ Luke asked. ‘I didn’t mean to go for the sympathy vote.’

  ‘I’m sure. Just for tonight. I don’t want to be on my own either.’

  I could see the relief in his expression. ‘Thanks Jen. Can we watch crap telly and drink more beer?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  It was one night. Just two bruised souls keeping each other company. What harm could it do?

  Chapter 25

  Luke

  I shouldn’t really have been surprised that it was Josie who found out first.

  It was thanks to a rookie mistake – I hadn’t asked her for the keys back when she stopped coming in to clean twice a week. It was amazing how little mess one person made. Dee always argued that she wasn’t untidy, but over the last few months it had been proved otherwise. Not that I ever wanted to be proved right on that one.

  God, I missed her.

  Actually, that was what I was thinking when I put the key in the door on a Thursday in early June. When would I stop expecting to hear her voice when I got home? When would I stop picturing her there, in the bath, waiting for me wearing a big smile and nothing else?

  Instead it was a whole other image that was waiting.

  ‘Hey Luke,’ said the voice the minute I closed the door behind me. Josie. Dressed in her standard colour of ninja black.

  I think I actually physically jumped. My tough guy credibility just got wasted by a septuagenarian brandishing a Dyson.

  ‘Josie! You scared the crap out of me.’

  ‘Yup, that’s the effect I go for with men. I find it stops them from obsessing about my good looks and charm.’

  I gave her a hug, taking in the spotless house.

  ‘I know you don’t need me anymore but just thought I’d pop in maybe once a month and give the place a good going over. You know, get into all the nooks and crannies.’

  That’s when I detected a slight air of disapproval and immediately realised why. Bugger. Of course she would have seen the signs. Jen’s stuff was lying on the table, her breakfast mug in the kitchen, her toiletries in the bathroom. We hadn’t been expecting the investigative cleaning equivalent of Inspector Morse to stop by.

  Maybe Josie wouldn’t ask.

  ‘So out with it then? Who is she? I mean, I know it’s none of my business and you’re a grown man, son.’

  She didn’t get the irony in that statement.

  ‘And I’m not one to judge…’

  That one did actually make me fight to suppress a smile. Josie judged, juried, and executed at every available opportunity. It was part of that barely disguised charm.

  ‘…but I mean, it’s only been five months. Five! What kind of woman does that? Waltzes right in and parks her fecking slippers when Dee is still in the very bloody fabric of this house. And like I say, I’m not one to judge, but I’ve already heard all about that Callie one at your office and let’s just say anyone that forward needs to have a good think about the way they’re behaving. I mean, a married man! Just widowed! And…’

  ‘It’s not Callie.’

  That stumped her. It took her a moment to regroup. ‘Oh for the love of God, Luke, don’t tell me you’ve started using those dating websites because, let me tell me you, you don’t know where they’ve been. They get their photos up on that internet, showing off their bits and…’

  I almost wanted to let her keep going. This was the most entertainment I’d had in ages – even if there was every possibility it would lead to assault with a deadly Dyson if I didn’t de-escalate it within the next few seconds.

  ‘Josie! It’s not an escort.’

  ‘Well who in the name of…’

  ‘It’s Jen.’

  ‘It’s… no. Oh suffering Jesus.’ She was absolutely aghast, making me spill out everything I said from that point on in one panicked, unpunctuated ramble.

  ‘It’s not what you think she’s just staying here for a while and we didn’t say anything because we didn’t want anyone to read anything into it or take it the wrong way it’s just because she was struggling to live in her house and I was grateful for company and don’t look at me like that because I’m telling you the truth and if you don’t believe me go check the spare room and you’ll see the bed’s been slept in and that’s because that’s where Jen sleeps it’s totally innocent Josie it really is.’

  Christ, the CIA should have this woman on their side. The first sight of Josie’s raised eyebrow of cynicism and they’d fold like a weak-willed duvet.

  ‘I haven’t been in the spare room yet,’ she conceded, but I could see that she was climbing down off the moral high ground.

  ‘Come on, I’ll make you a coffee,’ I offered.

  ‘Better put a vodka in it – the shock near made my blood pressure explode.’

  She sat at the table in the kitchen. Dee had found it at a police auction for furniture that had been seized by the ‘proceeds of crime team’. Some bloke called Killer Ken was probably languishing in jail right now completely unaware that the police had flogged off his prize possessions and his dining table was making a lovely statement in my kitchen.

  ‘Jen never said,’ she stated the obvious.

  ‘I know. We just didn’t want anyone discussing it or jumping to the wrong conclusions, and doing something nuts like coming storming in here with a vacuum cleaner.’

  Josie didn’t even blush.

  I went on, ‘She’s had a crap time of it and so have I, so it just made sense. But we’re friends, Josie. That’s all it is. Like you and me. When you’re not shouting at me,’ I said, still trying to talk her down from DEFCON 1.

  A riled up Josie wasn’t to be taken lightly.

  ‘How long has she been here then?’ she asked, peeved that she knew nothing of it.

  ‘About three weeks. Since Dee’s birthday. It’s just a temporary thing though. She’s decided to sell her house and then she’ll buy somewhere else and move in there. It was hard for her going back there every night, seeing where Dee died, and then with Pete gone too.’

  ‘Arse,’ she spat.

  I assumed – and hoped – that referred to Pete.

  I ploughed on, ‘So this just makes sense. We’re keeping each other company. Makes it a bit easier.’

  She seemed to b
e accepting this, but came back for clarification. ‘And you don’t think you two will… you know.’ She made that gesture that people over sixty make when they’re referring to sex.

  Oh Christ. I cut her off right there. ‘No. Honestly. We’re too alike, Jen and I. Besides, we’d never get anything done.’ It was the standing joke between us. Pete and Dee were definitely the go-getters in our respective couples. Without them driving us to do stuff, Jen and I would barely manage to wrestle ourselves from Netflix. That was, however, why he worked perfectly as housemates. ‘Plus, you know…’ the conversation took a more serious, soul-baring turn, ‘I couldn’t imagine being in love with anyone that wasn’t Dee.’ The truth of that hit home for both of us.

  ‘Och, son, my heart breaks for you, it really does,’ she said, full of emotion and sympathy.

  We had a moment. If it were a poetic novel, it would say our eyes connected and it felt like she was looking into my soul. But then they moved somewhat south on the anatomy.

  ‘And can I just double-check that you’re not just using her for your physical pleasure either, because then I’d have to kill you,’ she cackled, an infectious laugh that was the one brilliant consequence of a lifetime of twenty fags a day.

  ‘She’s in the spare room, I promise you! And Josie, do me a favour – don’t mention it to anyone. Not even Jen. She’s so worried that someone will get the wrong idea and I wouldn’t want her moving back into that house and being miserable just because she was worried about what people think.’

  She pondered that for a few seconds and obviously it passed some kind of test. ‘Aye, I can see why that would worry you. I’ll keep it to myself. Unless I need material for a blackmail situation.’ And there she was, off again, that barking laugh.

  She headed into the kitchen and came back with her jacket on and her bag over her shoulder.

  ‘Right, love, that’s me away. I don’t have time to do the spare room today, but I bet Jen has it spick and span anyway. I’ll pop in again next month and just give everything the once-over. Try not to surprise the life out of me again. At my age, I haven’t got many shocks left in me.’