Who We Were

by B M Carroll

  ‘Carson, go to Mumma, go to Mumma ...’

  Carson has no such intention. He hangs on to Zach with all his might, screaming and sobbing hysterically. Zach tries to forcibly put him down, but Carson clutches at his clothes, somehow holding on.

  Nick looms over Tom’s crooked figure, pummelling at whatever parts of him he can reach. Fists powered by twenty years of pent-up fury.

  ‘Stop!’ Izzy implores, dangerously close to those pummelling fists. ‘Please, Nick, let’s talk!’

  Nick is deaf to her pleas, deaf to Tom’s groans of pain, to Daniel’s shouts and attempts to pull him off, to Carson’s sobbing and wailing. It strikes Zach that he’s the only one who is silent, who is slightly apart from the scene, rendered helpless by Carson. He’s thinking about the steps he should be taking.

  Put Carson down ... Restrain Nick ... Get help.

  Tom tries to straighten up, to defend himself, but it’s obvious he’s hurt – possibly suffering from a cracked rib or two – and is in no fit state to fight back. Another flurry of blows, some of which he fends off. He loses balance, stumbles to the ground, and Nick comes at him with his legs, kicking viciously.

  ‘Stop, Nick. You’re hurting him. Stop.’

  Izzy’s magic has lost its effect. Nick’s in a place where he can’t be reached or reasoned with. Zach hears far-off sirens and breathes a sigh of relief: Daniel did call for help. The question is if it will get here in time.

  ‘The police are on their way,’ Izzy cries. ‘Come on, Nick. Don’t make this worse than it already is!’

  Nick is oblivious to Izzy’s voice, oblivious to the sirens. One kick to the head and that could be it for Grace’s husband. One kick to the head and there could be another funeral, another family left devastated.

  Put Carson down ... Find the knife ... Find the knife ...

  Zach frantically scans the grass and the shadows at the base of the retaining wall. He can’t see it. Too dark. Too many people in the way.

  ‘Leave him alone!’ Daniel throws himself between the men in an attempt to protect Tom. ‘Leave him alone!’

  Nick’s pounding Daniel now. He’s twice the girth; the kid doesn’t stand a chance.

  Zach prises his son’s fingers from his shoulders. ‘Let go ... Let go ... Dadda needs to help ...’

  Carson will not let go. Sirens sing in the background, sounding no nearer than before. A powerful undercut sends blood gushing from Daniel’s nose.

  ‘Look what you’ve done!’ Izzy is beside herself. ‘He’s just a boy, a child!’

  Nick is not going to stop. He can’t hear or feel anything other than his own rage. Where is the knife? Where is the goddam knife? Just as Zach is asking this question, he sees his wife bend down and pick something up from the grass. He knows from the way she is gripping it in her hand. He knows from the way she is standing, that outward poise of hers, so contrary to the fierceness surging beneath. She cannot bear to see a child at risk: her whole existence is about steering kids out of trouble, safeguarding their future.

  ‘Nick. Look at me.’

  Her quiet command penetrates his frenzy. He reels around, absorbs the knife in her white-knuckled fist ... and grins in a deranged fashion. He thinks she is not a serious threat. He thinks she doesn’t have it in her. Izzy is so easy to underestimate.

  Daniel groans in pain, inadvertently drawing attention back to himself. Nick lashes out, striking the boy full force in the face. The teenager’s scream melds with Izzy’s war cry.

  All Zach has time to do is bury Carson’s head in his chest, so their son doesn’t bear witness to what happens next.

  The knife plunges into Nick’s abdomen, directly under the ribcage, the blade angled upwards towards his heart. She is a doctor. Her aim is perfect.

  55

  KATY

  One year later

  It’s there when Katy gets home from work. Propped against her apartment door. A white A4 envelope, weighty, DO NOT BEND stamped in red ink. Jim would have put it there; he’s been bringing in her post, taking out her rubbish, offering to do her groceries; he seems to think she is invalided rather than pregnant.

  Katy stoops to pick up the envelope – she can still bend over, just about – and brings it inside. She kicks off her shoes, swings her feet with their ballooned ankles on to the couch, and impatiently tears the seal.

  Yearbook of Macquarie High, Class of 2000.

  21st anniversary edition

  The cover is glossy and much better quality than the original. Annabel has done a good job. This was her idea, her project, her way of coming to terms with what happened and marking the first anniversary of Jarrod’s death. There is a page dedicated to him, photos with his kids and Annabel. At the beach, at an amusement park, and Mia’s first communion. Below the photographs, an epitaph: Jarrod Harris. Beloved father and husband. Sorely missed. The doctors told Annabel that her husband wouldn’t have felt any pain beyond the initial blow to his head. Nick McGrath hadn’t used a weapon, just his fists and the element of surprise. Jarrod believed he’d been called to the warehouse to change a fuse: he had no idea that the caller had an age-old vendetta against him, no hint that he was walking into danger, no chance to explain to Nick that his anger was based on a misunderstanding. Jarrod had never harmed Robbie. The only crime he’d committed was to talk him back from the brink of suicide. Robbie hated him for that, not for the reasons Nick conjured up in his head.

  The next page Katy turns to is Brigette’s, which is also a dedication. Brigette and Mike on their wedding day. Brigette cradling a newborn baby – Toby – in her arms. Brigette crossing the finish line of yet another marathon. In each photograph she radiates vitality; it seems unbelievable that her life was cut so short. Katy keeps in touch with Mike. He’s dating a woman he met at Toby’s school. He is a nice man with good intentions, albeit not the right man for her.

  Luke’s page is a few after Brigette’s. There’s a picture of Luke and Aaron on their wedding day in London, both of them looking extremely debonair and happy. Katy was suffering from severe morning sickness at the time and couldn’t travel but Tony, Luke’s father, made the journey and, by all accounts, gave a very touching speech at the reception. Other photos show Luke beaming alongside a famous soap star who was on one of his flights, and standing in front of a white Ford Focus, his first car. The caption says: London watch out. Luke’s driving skills are still very much a work in progress.

  Katy flicks back through the pages until she gets to Grace, who has become a very dear friend over the past year. Along with being a warm and lovely human being, Grace is a fount of information on pregnancy and what equipment is required in order to be ‘baby-ready’, as she calls it. There’s a gorgeous photo of Grace, Tom and their four children, who all look like mini versions of their father. Then Grace with her youngest, Billy, on his first day of ‘big’ school back in January. Finally, Grace on her own, proudly standing outside Sydney University on her first day. The caption reads: Back to school for Grace. Good luck with your Bachelor of Education, Early Childhood.

  Melissa’s page is towards the beginning of the book. There she is, with Henry, his children and the family dog. The dog is propped in Melissa’s arms and everyone is gazing at him instead of the camera. Another shot of Melissa shaking the hand of the NSW Premier, and another in evening dress, holding an enormous framed certificate: 2020 Business Woman of the Year. On hearing about the award – which was reported in all the major newspapers – Katy invited Melissa to talk to her Year 11 and 12 students. Melissa accepted the invitation and delivered an engaging and empowering speech that was also, in parts, extremely witty and entertaining. Katy and Melissa had lunch together afterwards – gourmet sandwiches from a nearby deli, which soon had them reminiscing about the less-than-gourmet offerings from the old canteen at Macquarie High.

  Katy turns the pages until she reaches Zach. Another lovely family photo: Zach, Izzy and Carson at a school event, one of Carson’s socks endearingly half-mast. What a year t
hey’ve all been through. Izzy detained, questioned and charged with manslaughter before being released on bail. Waiting for the court case, the exact events of the night, and the weeks preceding, dissected by lawyers and a jury. Megan McGrath’s statement was pivotal: her ex-husband was a violent man, a man given to vicious vendettas, a man capable of harming Carson, Daniel or any of the others at the scene. Daniel also made a significant statement: Nick had been there the night he was beaten up by the gang in Manly. He remembers Nick pushing into him, saying, ‘This is him’, immediately before the youths descended with thumping fists and kicking legs. It seems that Nick instigated the beating by either offering money to the youths or saying something to incite their anger towards Daniel, but this couldn’t be proved. What was proven, via CCTV, was that Nick McGrath had loitered outside the restaurant on the evening of Mia’s communion, corroborating the theory that he’d followed Jarrod and his family for some weeks before staging his final revenge at the warehouse. Police also confirmed that Nick had been receiving reports on Katy’s online activity via a system-monitoring program installed on her laptop, with traces of his DNA found on both the laptop and her desk. All this evidence came down heavily in favour of Izzy, proving that her fear for Daniel’s life was warranted. She was acquitted of all charges. The whole group is so much closer as a result of the ordeal. Daniel helps out in Izzy’s clinic, talking to other youths about the risks of using drugs and how important it is to have good friends. Both Tom and Grace have been constant in their support for Annabel and her family. Tom mows the lawn, does any maintenance work that’s required around the house, and continues to be a father figure for all the children. Luke and Zach are back in contact after all these years, exchanging regular texts and messages. And everyone is immensely proud of Melissa, who was always destined for great things.

  Of course, one person is missing from the anniversary yearbook: Robbie. He is the only one without a page, without family photographs, without any account of where he is or what he’s doing today. None of what happened was his fault, and yet he was deeply implicated. Katy bumped into Celia a few months ago down at the beachfront. Katy was walking along, or rather waddling along, when she noticed a vaguely familiar woman jogging towards her. The woman’s children were on bikes and at the last moment her eyes swung from the kids to Katy and there was a sickening moment of recognition. They passed each other and it took Katy a few moments to collect herself and turn around.

  ‘Wait, wait,’ she called. ‘It’s Celia, isn’t it?’

  The woman had also stopped. ‘Hello, Katy.’

  Katy took a few steps closer. ‘How’s Robbie? Has he stayed in touch?’

  She’d heard that Robbie left town immediately after his brother’s funeral. She thinks about him often. Glancing over her shoulder when she’s on the bus or walking home, half expecting to see him, ready to speak to him if he does materialise.

  Celia indicated her daughter, who was pedalling vigorously and was some distance away now. ‘He formed a close bond with Sienna. She writes to him constantly and sometimes he writes back. Last I heard he was in Byron Bay ... Look, I’d better catch up with the kids ...’

  Katy’s last image of her was running along the beachfront, ponytail swinging, in pursuit of her children. She wanted to tell her not to feel responsible but there was no opportunity, unless she was willing to yell it at her back. Celia had sent a message to Zach in the weeks after her brother’s death. Zach had shared the message with Katy and the others.

  I feel responsible. I was so busy defending Robbie I didn’t even entertain the possibility of Nick. Both my brothers are at the heart of this tragedy, one of them seeking revenge on behalf of the other, and I had no clue. Neither did I know that Nick was violent to Megan and the kids. This is my family. I feel I failed you all because I didn’t know things that I should have known. To make matters worse, I was the one who initially told Nick about the reunion, and that Katy Buckley had been trying to get in contact with Robbie. I have a horrible feeling I had a part in setting him upon this path. I am so very sorry.

  By all accounts, Nick was a complex man with a propensity for both fierce loyalty and vicious rages. A man who’d been close to his brother when they were young, who drifted apart from him at high school, and who was devastated (and enraged) to find that old yearbook and see evidence of his brother’s torture written in the margins. What were his plans that evening in Annabel’s front garden? To genuinely harm Carson, or to merely frighten the hell out of Zach? What were his intentions with Jarrod? To land a blow that would teach him a lesson, or one that would ultimately take his life? Katy doesn’t know. All she knows is that nobody blames either Celia or Robbie for what happened. All she knows is that she wishes Robbie had a page of happy photographs in this 21st anniversary edition, just like everyone else.

  Katy hears a key in the door. David. He’s home early.

  He smiles when he sees her on the couch. ‘There you are.’

  She still has to pinch herself to believe it. The email she received from David Hooper this time last year, apologising for the delay in responding and asking if the reunion was still going ahead. Her response that, no, it wasn’t, but it was good to hear from him at last and what had he been doing with his life? David had been living overseas for sixteen of the last twenty years, working as a translator. His parents’ declining health and the break-up of a long-term relationship had brought him back to Sydney. They exchanged more warm, chatty emails, which led to David suggesting they meet for a drink. The pregnancy was a complete accident. In her mind, she was going down the sperm donation route with Luke, when the time was right for both of them. But then David happened. Everything about him felt ‘right’ from that first meeting in the pub. A couple of months later, the pregnancy – a profound shock but welcome news once they got used to the idea.

  Luke laughed when she told him. ‘You’re saying my sperm is no longer required?’

  She’d thought Luke had ruined her for other men. That she would never find someone like him, someone who could evoke the same intensity of feeling, someone who could make her laugh and who – albeit being imperfect in many ways – never disappointed her. All the men she rejected over the years, all the men who rejected her, who let her down or who weren’t right for one reason or another, they were all leading to David. She knew the moment he walked into the pub. She suddenly remembered him. Tall. Shy smile. Hard worker. His slightly brusque manner, which confused her at school but is actually very endearing.

  They embraced and the sense of knowing him was even more acute. Who he was then, who he is now, the boy and the man, the whole of him. The surprise of it and yet the utter certainty.

  Now she closes the yearbook and puts it carefully down on the coffee table.

  She beams at him. ‘There you are.’

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  First up, a big thank you to Ashling Carroll for giving me the idea for this novel (sorry that your Year 6 yearbook was such a disaster, but silver linings, etc.). Thank you Nic Herrmann and Merran Harte for dusting off your high-school yearbooks and giving the idea legs!

  Thank you to my early readers, Petronella McGovern, Rob Carroll, Conor Carroll, Erin Downey, Kimberley Atkins and Ann Riordan, whose excellent feedback helped shape the novel into what it is.

  Thank you to my last-minute readers, John Newson and Christina Chipman, who read the edited manuscript at lightning speed to reassure me it all still made sense (my brain was so muddled at that point, I couldn’t really tell!).

  A particularly heartfelt thank you to Helen Watson, Jess Wootten, Donna Heagney, Melissa Millar and Aaron O’Driscoll for your technical assistance and for answering my annoying questions. (Confession: there are a few instances where I have stretched the truth with regard to police, medical and legal procedures for the sake of the story.)

  Thank you to fellow authors and wonderful friends Dianne Black-lock and Liane Moriarty, whose advice and support have been constant throughout all the ups and dow
ns of writing this novel.

  Thank you to my agent Brian Cook, from The Author’s Agent. It’s been eighteen years and nine novels since our first phone call! As always, your support has been phenomenal.

  Thank you to everyone at Profile Books and Viper, in particular Miranda Jewess for believing in this novel and making such insightful editing suggestions (and for not laughing at my colour-coded spreadsheet!).

  Thank you to my family (Rob, Conor and Ash) and the extended Downey and Carroll clans for your unwavering support and for providing endless writing material over the years (life is never boring in big families!).

  Finally, but most of all, thank you to my readers. I am just like you – I’m always talking about books, swapping books with friends (although I get very annoyed when they don’t return them), and I can’t think of anything worse than not having a book to read. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have my books read, swapped and talked about by fellow book lovers.

  Ber Carroll was born in Blarney, a small village in Ireland. The third child of six, reading was her favourite pastime (and still is!). Ber moved to Sydney in 1995 and spent her early career working in finance. Her work colleagues were speechless when she revealed that she had written a novel that was soon to be published. Ber now writes full-time and is the author of nine novels. The Missing Pieces of Sophie McCarthy and Who We Were are published under B.M. Carroll.

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