No wonder she’d asked Emily out, and no wonder it had worked. She never flirted with staff anywhere. It was super creepy. And Emily hadn’t thought it was weird. All because it was supposed to happen.
The world blurred as the tears came again. Her entire life was a lie.
Even being a god didn’t put a great spin on that.
No wonder she ate so much. She was actually a giant Norse asshole. And a guy. Was that why she was gay? It had been such a scary thing growing up. Megan had sure freaked out when she’d told her. And her parents hadn’t been weird about it at all. Because they knew she was Thor? She loved them so much, she wanted to trust them, to believe that they were as in the dark as she was, but how could she? How could she trust anyone now?
She hurried inside to the bathroom, convinced she was going to throw up everything she’d eaten last night, but nothing came. She felt so sick, and nothing was working to stop it.
After a quick shower, she felt no better. There was beer in the fridge, but she’d end up drinking all of it, and she had work in a few hours. She almost wished Emily hadn’t had the day off, as then, she wouldn’t have had to wake up next to her feeling like this.
And she hated that thought. She loved Emily so much. How could she want to not be around her? Shit. She really did, didn’t she? Her stomach dropped, and her blood ran cold. Probably not literally, but she was a god, so how was she to know at this point? That wasn’t what mattered. She loved Emily. She’d tried so hard to hold it back. It was too soon. Didn’t that just prove it was Thor’s emotions? But it didn’t feel like Thor’s. She knew her feelings, at least, she was pretty certain she did. It wasn’t just Thor’s love for Sif. It was hers for Emily. Wasn’t it?
But how could she want it either? Not when she knew none of it was real. It was all just some old creepy god’s feelings for his wife, and she was just along for the ride.
April was probably awake and wasn’t likely doing much. Her summer courses hadn’t started yet. Hannah could call her and talk about it. But what could she tell her? What would she believe?
Megan wasn’t any better an option.
Clearly, she should tell everything to Isabel at work. She’d known her for like three days, and if Isabel thought she was insane, she could easily have Hannah fired. It was the perfect plan.
So she had no one to turn to. Except Emily. But she couldn’t bring herself to do that. Not now. Not yet. Not when she hadn’t sorted out her feelings. But she couldn’t do that without someone to talk to.
It was easier to rid herself of temptation. She threw on a professional-looking dress and grabbed Emily’s keys. She’d buy doughnuts and coffee and take the time to think before work. Maybe by the time she was finally home, she’d be ready to talk.
✥ ✥ ✥
Work had done nothing to ease Hannah’s troubled mind. Isabel had tried striking up a conversation, but Hannah couldn’t focus on anything. She was lucky the accounts were all so easy, or she’d have been in some serious trouble the way her mind was. She couldn’t keep going like this. This job was the dream that she’d worked toward the past four years, and all she had to do was make it through an internship, and it was hers. If she couldn’t even focus on that, then she’d lose everything. She couldn’t let this stupid god bullshit take everything from her.
As she pulled up in front of their apartment, she yanked the car into park and barely breathed as she watched the gearshift. When she pulled her hand away, it stayed in place. She hadn’t broken it. Probably.
The car didn’t move, so it was in park. That was a good sign.
Hannah held in her tears and hurried around the back of the house to go into the basement apartment. Emily’s apartment. She wasn’t even on the lease. Which meant she could get out of this if she needed to. But was that what she wanted?
Not even twenty-four hours earlier, she wouldn’t have questioned it in the slightest. She knew how much she loved Emily, how much she trusted her. Now she didn’t know anything except that she was the Norse god of thunder. And didn’t even have lightning powers. It was such bullshit.
“You’re home,” Emily called from the living room. She sounded so relieved. So happy Hannah was there. How did she not feel the same dread that Hannah felt? The same loss of free will? Why was she fine with this?
“I am,” she called back, trying to sound appropriately chipper.
“Everything okay? I didn’t hear from you all day. And I messaged you after I saw the bedroom door was broken. It wasn’t those guys, our…sons again, was it?” She sounded worried now. Apparently, Hannah hadn’t managed to fake it at all. “Something happen at work?”
She could lie. Say it was that and run off to the bedroom, but Emily didn’t have work that night. With a heavy sigh, Hannah grabbed two beers from the fridge and began the arduous trek to the living room. The fifteen or so feet felt like the longest hike April had ever dragged her on. She had to face up to this. She had to talk to Emily. There wasn’t a way around it.
“Hey there,” Alys said as Hannah rounded the corner. They were draped nonchalantly over Emily’s recliner and swirling a mostly empty beer over the side of the chair.
Hannah stared. “Hi…”
They flashed a quick grin.
“What’s up, honey?” Emily asked, patting the spot next to her on the couch.
“Uh…” Hannah glanced at Alys.
“Oh!” Emily grinned at Hannah. “Don’t worry. I told them.”
Hannah blinked, but those words didn’t make any more sense, so she tried again.
“Being gods, pretty badass,” Alys said.
“For her maybe,” Emily grumbled. “I get what, perfect hair and a green thumb? I barely even eat vegetables. I mean, I could try starting a garden or something, but it’s such bullshit.”
Hannah stared at her. That was the part that troubled her? She had a pretty low bar for bullshit. “It’s not like it’s amazing for me either.”
Emily rolled her eyes. “Please, you get superstrength. I mean, hell, when you picked me up on our first date you had me then and there. It’s not like I could’ve just flashed my golden locks to win you.”
“But you did,” Hannah shouted and felt their eyes on her. They didn’t know what she meant by that yet, but she’d already started. She couldn’t just leave it there. “It didn’t take a thing for me to fall for you. Because you’re Sif, and I’m Thor. We’re supposed to be living our own lives and following our dreams, and then I fall madly in love with you, and it turns out it’s because I was meant to. Because Thor wanted me to. Hell, how am I supposed to know that he didn’t want me to be an accountant too?” She wanted to sink into the couch and let it envelop her, but Emily was right there, and she wasn’t ready for that. And she couldn’t exactly throw herself into Alys’s lap, now could she?
“What are you talking about?” Emily asked, staring. “You…”
Hannah shook her head and let her arms droop, the sloshing reminding her that she was holding beers. She tossed one on the couch next to Emily and popped the cap off her own, taking a long swig. It did nothing to clear her mind. “I’m Thor. You’re Sif.”
“Right,” Emily said. “I get that you’re freaking out. I was too. It’s why I invited Alys over.” She kept watching Hannah, biting her lip, looking like she wanted to say something, but Alys beat her to it.
“And why I pointed out how awesome it is. Seriously, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You’re gods. That’s cool as hell,” Alys said, clearly trying to lighten the mood.
“And apparently, those two were ancient lovers meant to be together or something ridiculous like that.”
Alys studied her. “They weren’t necessarily meant to be together in the myths.”
“What do you know?” Hannah asked, regretting her words immediately. Alys wasn’t the one she was mad at. Hell, Emily wasn’t even the one she was mad at. It was Thor. And she was Thor.
“Well, I’ve read every single major text on the subject in English. I never manag
ed to learn old Norse. So I think I know a few things at least.” They sounded so hesitant. Had her words hurt that much?
“Oh.” Hannah slumped all the more and finished the rest of her beer.
“If we weren’t meant to be together, what does it matter?” Emily asked. “Or hell, even if we were.”
“There’s not really any destiny with it that I recall,” Alys said. “I could do some reading if you want, and I mean, Sif literally means wife, but beyond that, she’s not even the only person Thor was with, and he’s not the only one she was with. Thor even had a kid that wasn’t hers.”
“Well…It still matters,” Hannah muttered. “How am I supposed to know that this is real if it was all Thor?” She stared at the woman she loved. “I’ve fallen for you in a way I didn’t even know I could. It scared my friends, and it even scared me. You’re my world. And I’ve known you for like two weeks. That doesn’t worry you?”
Emily shrugged. “We’re gay.” She glanced back to Alys, shaking her head. “My name really means wife? I am the worst god.”
“Still!” Hannah stomped her foot, cracking the wooden floor. “I need to know that this isn’t someone else’s choice. I need to know I’m in control of my life.”
Alys cleared their throat. “I’m sure it’s nothing like that.”
Emily held up her hand. “I can handle this.” She stood and reached for Hannah’s free hand, but Hannah didn’t give it to her, so she dropped hers to her side. “I love you too.”
It was the first time she’d ever said those words. It should’ve felt amazing. But it just added to her dread. “How do you know that?”
“I feel it. I know it when I see you, when I think about you.” She reached again, and Hannah didn’t resist this time, her heart skipping as Emily traced along her knuckles with a thumb. It felt so nice. So right. And that was precisely the problem. “I’ve never felt like this for anyone else. I know it’s only been a couple weeks, but I can’t imagine not being with you.”
“Exactly.” Hannah pulled free and stepped away, facing the wall and rubbing her eyes. She could still feel Emily’s touch. How right it felt. “It feels too good to be true. Because it isn’t true. It’s not us. It’s them. It’s Thor and Sif’s feelings.”
“It doesn’t feel like an old married couple to me.”
That stopped her for a moment. She wanted Emily all the time, and their opposite schedules were so painful. All she wanted each morning was to wake up and see her. And maybe do a few other things to her. Would Thor feel that way about Sif? Especially when they’d been together for probably centuries? She really needed to learn about mythology now. She had no idea how long they might’ve been together, but gods were old, so centuries seemed a safe bet. “Well, we hadn’t seen each other in like twenty-seven years or whatever.”
“And it doesn’t feel like that. At least not exclusively that. I know my feelings. They’re no one else’s.”
Hannah shrugged and sniffled, not bothering to stop the tears running down her cheeks.
The old leather of the recliner creaked. “How about I talk to her?” Alys asked. “I’m an impartial observer who already knows who you two are and is well-versed in Norse mythology. I’m the perfect person for this.”
“But—” Emily started.
“I know. You want to comfort her, but you only seem to be scaring her. Come on, Hannah. I’ll buy you dinner, tell you about Norse mythology, and you can vent to me about the whole thing.”
Hannah wanted to say no. But that dinner was hard to pass up. She and Emily both ate a lot—apparently because they were gods—and she hadn’t received her first paycheck yet. “Pizza?”
“Sure.”
She turned around, sizing up Alys. “I can pick the place?”
They nodded. “Fine by me.”
Emily said, “I can—”
“Emily.” Alys squeezed her shoulder. “She’s freaking out over you. Let me take care of it. I promise, it’ll be okay. I’ll bring her back safe and sound by curfew.”
Hannah crossed her arms and rolled her eyes.
“As long as she’s back by midnight,” Emily joked, though she didn’t sound into it.
Alys flashed a wink. “After you, then.” They gestured toward the door.
Hannah nodded, dabbed at her eyes, and marched to the door. At least she already had her shoes on.
Chapter Eleven
By the time Hannah finished inhaling her entire pizza without saying a word, Alys was beginning to wonder if they were actually going to talk about any of this. Damn it, they were so bad at this junk. They had years of experience manipulating people. Why was this so much more awkward? Hannah was cute, but not short-circuit their brain cute.
“It’s really cool that you’re Thor,” they finally tried. Could that have possibly been lamer? At least she’d never suspect that they were secretly trying to control her life for the goddess of the dead, as they were far too incompetent for that to make sense.
Hannah shrugged.
“Seriously. I know you think it’s some horrible fate, but it isn’t.” They remembered when Hel had first told them they were Loki. They’d been homeless at the time, begging for food, and Hel had appeared before them. They’d thought the hunger must’ve finally gotten to them after only managing to scrape enough together for a bag of chips and a gas station hot dog a few days before. Hel had offered them power, the ability to do anything. They’d stolen a feast’s worth of food and had changed their entire appearance and had eaten like royalty for the first time in months. “It’s gotta be a little liberating, right? You have superpowers. You’re a god. You don’t have to worry about all that human stuff anymore.”
“I’m an accountant,” she said. “That’s all I want. I don’t want to deal with this stupid god stuff. I want to settle down with the woman I’m madly in love with and have a nice boring life. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. And now I don’t even know if that’s me wanting it.” She sniffled, a tear running down her cheek.
Great, she was crying again. Alys really was hopeless. “Even if it is Thor who wants it, that’s still you. Just because you’re not the same as Thor was described doesn’t mean there are two separate people inside you. You just have a longer past than you thought. That’s all that’s changed.”
“What do you know?”
Their jaw dropped wide enough to fit the foot they they’d just shoved in there. How were they so bad at lying? Sure, they’d never had to lie that much, just misuse the truth and work a few spells, but still. “It’s how I’d feel.”
“Well, it’s not how I feel. I had some crazy assholes claiming to be my kids show up and insist I was a god.”
“That’s certainly never happened to me.”
Hannah harrumphed. “Can we get out of here? I need some fresh air.”
“Yeah. Sure.” They needed to fix this. There had to be something they could say. If Hannah left Emily, then Hel lost half of her leverage. And Alys was Emily’s friend, not Hannah’s, so it wasn’t like she’d keep talking to them after a breakup. There was no way they could keep things going if Hannah did what it looked like she was thinking.
That was it! Not the being way too desperate for them not to break up for their own good, but Alys needed to get a handle on what Hannah was thinking. “I get that this whole thing is freaking you out,” they said, opening the door for Hannah. “But what exactly are you planning?”
She looked up at them. She really did have beautiful green eyes. Alys could absolutely see what Emily saw in her. “What do you mean?”
They offered a weak smile and a shrug.
“I don’t know.” Hannah kicked some litter on the sidewalk as they walked outside. “I just want to have the choice. To not feel like it’s all something I was forced into. To feel like I’m me and not some ancient god.”
Alys felt the urge to grab her hand but resisted. They needed to be Hannah’s friend for Hel’s sake, but they couldn’t let themself care too much. They didn’t
know what Hel might have in store for her. “I’ve read enough mythology to know Thor isn’t controlling you. You’re Hannah…what’s your last name?”
“Olsen.”
“Nice. Very Norse.” Shit, that was a terrible thing to say right now. They were so excited to finally be able to talk about Norse mythology that they kept doing this. Next, they were going to say the reason they both ate so much was because they were Norse gods, and then they’d have ruined the whole scheme just to geek out about mythology. “You’re Hannah Olsen. You’re a dorky accountant lesbian, and Thor was none of those things. Hell, he was a transphobic asshole who constantly referred to his best friend with slurs that there aren’t even proper translations for in modern English, and I’ve never heard you say a single transphobic thing.”
“Huh?”
They were identifying with Loki. Openly. While talking to Hannah. How were they this stupid? Fourteen years of doing this, and a cute redhead was all it took to make them leap into volunteering that information. “Loki may have been a trans woman. It’s not a super debated thing, but I read a doctoral student claiming it on Tumblr years ago, and it’s always stuck with me. Basically, they’re consistently referred to as ‘ergi,’ a slur that was used for the ancient Norse equivalent of trans women, and they don’t take offense despite it being a massive insult considered legally worth killing over. Also, they jump at the chance to castrate themself with the slightest excuse. It’s nothing major. Like I said, I like Norse mythology. I’m not sure if Emily has made this clear yet, but I’m a massive nerd.” They were trying so hard to pull away from the topic. They couldn’t let it seem like they were Loki. They took a deep breath, trying to get themself to calm down without being too obvious about it. “I probably know even more crazy theories about Doctor Who. Which I’m sure I could also discuss the trans representation in and have read obscure Tumblr posts on, but that’s not really the point I’m trying to make. Thor was an asshole. You’re not. You’re an amazing, fun, caring weirdo who actually wants to be an accountant. And Emily is lucky to have you.”
Thor: Daughter of Asgard Page 9
