“Don’t thank luck, thank Thor,” she spat, speeding up, and Alys was glad their legs were so much longer.
“That’s what I’m saying. Thor clearly doesn’t control you. He is you. It must be hard to think of yourself as having been a different person, but that’s the thing, you’re not. Thor is as much Hannah as Hannah is Thor. I know you don’t like having this strange past you didn’t know about, but it’s only part of who you are. And there’s so much more to you.” Now just say you’re Loki and that you get it. That’ll go over well.
“But I’m not. And it doesn’t work like that. I didn’t influence him, but he influenced me. How can I know that anything about myself is really me?”
“It’s all you. You drink like a god, you can apparently bench-press a semi—which is badass as all hell—and all of those things make you Hannah. It’s all you. You didn’t fall in love with Emily because of your past. You fell in love with her because she’s perfect for you.” That might be a little too close to the destiny idea, but at least it wasn’t quite there. They should’ve said because Emily was Hannah’s type or something. They wanted to kick themself, but that would just be awkward.
Hannah took in a sharp breath and ducked down an alley, covering her face with her hands as she slumped against the wall. “How can I trust that? How can I trust anything I think or feel now? Any of it could just be Thor.”
“And that’s you. You’re not possessed by him. You used to be him. I know it doesn’t sound that different, but it is.”
Hannah shook her head. “I keep flip-flopping between anger and sadness. And I want to hit someone, but I can’t do that. And I want to be mad at Emily, but it’s not her fault. I want to be mad at Thor, but that’s apparently just me. I don’t have anyplace to point my feelings. I don’t even know who I can trust anymore.”
“You can trust Emily. She’s in the same boat as you.” Alys wanted to add that she could trust them. It was the perfect time for it. Hannah would believe them, and they could use it. Why couldn’t they bring themself to say it?
Hannah shrugged. “Maybe.”
Alys hesitantly put their hands on Hannah’s shoulders and bent at the knees to meet her eyes. “I promise. I get that this is all crazy, and we don’t really know what’s going on, but we’re all just as confused.” That was a straight-up lie. So they could bring themself to lie to her after all. “But we’ll be here helping you. I know how scary it must be to talk about it, and I know we’re not that close, but I’m more than happy to help.”
Hannah stepped away, their hands fell from her, and she shook her head. “Why are you so okay with this? It doesn’t even affect you, and yet you’re so cool about it. What, are we an exciting show for you? Just more myths to read? Or are you so unfazed because…What? Have you met other gods? Why do you even believe it? I watched a man lift a car yesterday and proceeded to do so myself this morning, and I barely believe it.”
“You what?” How strong was she? And without the belt?
“Exactly.”
They had to come up with something. Hannah couldn’t get too suspicious. What could they even say? “I don’t like doubting people. I know Emily, and she wouldn’t lie about this. Plus, I saw the door you ripped off its hinges.” Wait, they’d already moved away from that point. They were changing the subject. Did that make it even more suspicious? Their mouth went dry. Was the jig up? No, they could save this. “And I don’t think you’d lie either.”
Hannah walked down the alley without a word, and Alys ran after. “Hannah?”
“I don’t fucking know,” she shouted, rounding on them. “This is all so crazy, and you’re so cool about it. And of course, you’re such a good friend to Emily and now to me. And my life is so perfect. And it all makes it feel all the more insane. I have nothing to be upset about, and yet I feel like none of it is mine.”
“Well, then, I’m sure you won’t mind handing it over,” a voice behind them said. It sounded masculine, gruff, and maybe a little drunk.
Hannah looked around Alys. “I’m sorry?”
Alys turned slowly and saw a gun in the hands of a scruffy-looking man in a dirty jacket and jeans. There but for the grace of Hel… “How can we help you?” they asked, trying to sound calm but unable to stop a nervous burst of laughter.
“Evening, ladies.” He offered a grin, showing rotten teeth. “I don’t want to hurt you, but this is my alley, and there’s a toll for using it for your screaming matches.”
“Oh, we’re not—” Hannah started, but Alys silenced them with a panicked look. “And they’re not a lady.”
Alys glared at her. What the hell was she thinking?
He stepped forward, clicking his tongue. “Portland, I swear, but all right, I won’t be unreasonable. Just all the cash you have. It’s so much kinder than pickpocketing. You won’t even have to cancel your credit cards.”
“Yeah, you’re a swell guy,” Alys said.
Hannah stared at him. Alys had been wondering the entire evening just what was going through her mind, but now it seemed especially pressing. They didn’t want to get shot, but they suspected they could recover without much difficulty. But Hannah couldn’t. Would Hel be able to bring her back again? How would that work? Is it a You Only Live Twice sorta thing? Why were they thinking in Bond movies now? Why not a limited regeneration joke? That would be so much more in character, but there was a gun pointed at them, and it made thinking hard.
Hannah on the other hand, didn’t seem to be struggling with it. She seemed fed up. “Look, I’m going through some shit right now, and I’d really appreciate it if you bothered someone else. Or, you know, no one. That would probably be best.”
Both Alys and the mugger stared at her.
“Hannah…” Alys said, but the gun jerked, and they didn’t so much as breathe. There was no sound. No bullet piercing their body. They were okay. For now.
“Hannah, is it?” he asked. “I don’t know what you think this is, but if you don’t want me to shoot your girlfriend, reach in your purses and hand over all the cash. I have places to be, and I’d really rather not shoot anyone, but I’ll do it if I have to. I’ve done it before.”
Alys stared at him. Did they look like they had a purse?
Hannah took a step toward him, glaring hard. She had said she wanted to hit someone…
The mugger stared, his grip tightening on the gun.
Alys felt like their eyes might pop out of their head. Hannah was going to get them killed. What the hell was she thinking? She was staring him down like an idiot…like Thor. Not that the two were different. “Hannah,” they pleaded.
The mugger grabbed Alys’s wrist. Their blood ran cold. All they had to do was grow some spikes, and he’d lose those fingers. But they couldn’t do it in front of Hannah. “Listen to your girlfriend. Just hand over the money, and I won’t have to hurt her.”
She lunged. The gun went off as she knocked it from his hands. Alys looked around, the sound still ringing in their ears, but no one seemed to be shot. They looked down but didn’t find any blood pouring out of them.
“They’re not a girl,” Hannah shouted. She shoved the man hard enough that he crashed through the alley wall, sending powdered brick everywhere, the remains of the wall propping up his motionless form. Hannah stopped and stared at her hands, shaking. “No,” she said. “No.”
“Hannah?” They were closer, but they didn’t remember moving. The mugger wasn’t moving, and his dark red blood was running down the wall. Someone on the street seemed to be screaming. People would come investigate in a matter of seconds.
“It’s okay, Hannah. He’s still breathing.” Another lie.
Tears streamed down Hannah’s face. “No. I’m better now. I had so much therapy. I don’t get angry like this anymore. I don’t. I don’t. I can’t.”
“Hannah?”
“It’s Thor. It wasn’t me.”
And there went all of the progress they’d made. “Get out of here. I’ll tell the cops we
were mugged. It’ll be fine.”
She shook her head but made no other movement.
Alys grabbed their keys and stuffed them into her hands. “Hannah, take my car and drive home. You’re in no condition to talk to the police.”
“But Megan’s a cop. I can call her.”
They couldn’t deal with the cops. There was a dead body; there’d be too many questions. They’d arrest Hannah, and she’d end up revealing her superstrength. It would go terribly. That left one option, one of the first spells Alys had ever learned and the main way they’d gotten this far with their limited lying ability. It required a susceptible target, but as broken as Hannah seemed, it wouldn’t be too difficult. It might even last the whole trip home. They traced their fingers in a quick rune behind their back. It felt far too much like crossing their fingers. “Take my car and go home.”
Hannah took the keys and started walking.
“Other way.” The voices were coming from the closer street. Hannah would have to duck around back. The car was that way anyway.
Hannah did as she was told. Alys stared at the body and willed their clothes to change into a fitted suit and their face to a knock-off Duchovny. They’d pull jurisdiction and say it was an FBI investigation, then vanish the body. It wouldn’t be the first time.
Chapter Twelve
Hannah stared out the car’s window at the house. She didn’t remember driving home. Where was Alys? What had happened? She shook her head, trying to clear the fog. The mugger! Was Alys okay? She found her phone still in her purse, which was still on her shoulder. She hadn’t even thrown it in the back while she drove.
“Alys?” she asked as soon as the ringing stopped.
“Hey, Hannah. You get home okay?”
Hannah stared at the phone in disbelief. Why were they so nonchalant? “Um, yes?”
“Cool. I was worried about you.”
She stared at her hands. She’d attacked that man. He was a mere mortal, and she was a god, and she could’ve killed him. She sounded like a lunatic. “Are you…did everything go okay?”
“Oh, yeah, it’s fine. I told the cops what happened, and they said they’d call me if they had any questions. I kept you out of it.”
“But—”
“It’s all fine. You don’t need to worry. Go talk to your girlfriend.”
Hannah nodded. Something seemed to be missing, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. Was this trauma? She hadn’t felt like this the last time. She still had her senses; she was just scared. Why was this time so different? “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” They chuckled. “I’ll get a cab over there and pick up my car. I just didn’t want you to have to deal with that with the state you were in. You were barely talking. You did manage to drive home in one piece, right? My car’s okay, and you know, you are?”
“I already said I did,” she snapped. There was that temper. All those years getting it under control, and she lost it like this. For what? Because she was freaked out over her relationship? Or because that dick misgendered her new friend? Probably both. She sighed. “Thanks for worrying about me. I can’t believe I was such a wreck.”
“It was scary. I’m sure I’d have been blubbering too if I didn’t have you to look after.”
Hannah took a deep breath and opened the car door. Everything felt off. She could taste her tongue. It felt like she hadn’t been in her body for a few minutes. Was that what an out-of-body experience was? But she didn’t remember anything. “All right. Thank you. I’m sorry you had to deal with all that. And you’re sure you’re okay?”
Another laugh. “Hannah, relax. I’m fine. You kept me safe. My hero. It was kinda sexy.”
Hannah’s cheeks warmed, and all she could do was shake her head. What the hell was Alys talking about? “I…”
“Right. Sorry. I’ll talk to you later.” The phone clicked, and the call ended, leaving Hannah at an utter loss for how to process anything that had just happened. She had to talk to Emily.
Hannah hurried around the side of the house, trying to stop thinking for a minute. She wanted to drown all of her fears in alcohol. Normally, she’d run to Emily, but that still sounded too terrifying. What if it was only Thor who wanted that?
Alys’s words crept back to her. Thor wasn’t a separate person, just her. But that didn’t make any sense. Hannah caught her fist in midair. It was mere inches from the wall on the side of the house. She was standing under the carport, and she’d nearly destroyed her landlord’s house in the middle of her panic. She couldn’t do that. She’d taught herself years ago not to do that. But something had snapped in her with this revelation, and it was almost like she had to start over from square one.
Hannah took a deep breath.
Let it go. She let the breath out, trying to release her anger.
Within me is a peacefulness that cannot be disturbed. She ignored just how disturbed that peacefulness felt. She hadn’t needed to do this since high school. She was better now.
That only sent her rage burning up again. She repeated the mantras, breathing in and out. She couldn’t change what she’d learned. She couldn’t change anything that had happened, not even hurting those people. But she could take control now. She could accept her life as it was, godhood and all, and the strength that went with it, and not use it to hurt people. She could be better.
Hannah opened her eyes, swallowing down the last of her fear, and strode boldly to the apartment she shared with her girlfriend. She still didn’t know what she was going to say, but she knew that the way she had been handling it wasn’t working.
“Hannah?” Emily sounded so scared that a pit of guilt welled in Hannah’s stomach. She’d put the woman she loved through so much. And for what? Because she was a god? Wow, talk about a real struggle.
“Hey, babe,” she managed. Hannah couldn’t face her just yet, so she grabbed a six-pack of beers, then forced herself to round the corner into the living room. Emily was still sitting on the couch, a movie paused on the TV.
Emily cleared her throat and looked at her but didn’t say anything.
“I’m sorry,” Hannah said.
Emily shrugged, but Hannah could see a tear run down her cheek. “You didn’t do anything.”
“I did. I hurt you.” And that poor bastard. Nausea bubbled up, and she set the beers down, opening one and draining it in a single swig. It did nothing to settle her stomach or her nerves, so she offered one to Emily and checked to see if a second bottle did any good.
This time, when Emily patted the seat next to her, Hannah took it. “I love you,” Emily said.
Hannah nodded, unable to hold back the tears. “I love you too.”
“You don’t have to say that if you’re not sure. I get that this whole god thing has thrown you. It’s fucked me up too. I mean, I’m, what, some useless wife god who can’t do shit? That sucks. But it doesn’t suck quite so much if it means I get you.”
“You do,” she whispered.
Emily pulled her closer, and Hannah felt lips trailing down her cheek. When they finally reached her lips, she gave in, pulling Emily to her with a loud “ooph” and deepened the kiss, savoring it, hardly even having the energy to care what part of her wanted this. She had time to sort that out. Hell, she was probably immortal now. But she wasn’t ready to give this up. They had known each other for far too short a time for how strongly she felt, and that scared the hell out of her, but Hannah loved Emily.
She pulled off Emily’s shirt, hearing it rip, and pressed her closer. She needed this.
✥ ✥ ✥
Hannah held Emily close and felt the simultaneous urges to flee and to stay right there forever. She ran her hand over Emily’s bare belly as her lip trembled. Just what was she going to do? Was this really okay?
“I can almost hear you worrying.” Emily turned over, her face mere inches from Hannah’s, and took her hand. “Honey, please, talk to me. You don’t have to stuff down all of your feelings.”
If only th
at was true. “I don’t know if they’re my feelings, though.”
“That’s what I told Alys. I thought they’d think I was crazy, but somehow, they really got it. Sif isn’t some separate entity from me. Which is, you know, super annoying. Can you really see me as some boring farmer of a wife? Like, come on. Me? I’m cooler than that, right?”
Hannah giggled. “Goddamn it.”
“I think you mean you damn it.”
She rolled her eyes. “Is this what Thor was into? This badass, butch, sorta cocky—”
“Very cocky, excuse you.”
“Is that what Thor was into?”
Emily sat up, staring and pulling the sheet over her chest.
“I’m not saying that I’m not,” Hannah shouted, pulling herself up beside Emily. “I’m sorry, I was saying it stupidly. What I meant was, that’s so my type. You’re absolutely perfect for me, but from what I’ve seen in movies, I don’t know that Thor would really be after that. So is it me wanting you, then? I’d like to think it is, but you were still the woman Thor loved, and it’s scary.”
“Like I said, we can’t really think of it that way. Though, hey, at least the movies didn’t completely misrepresent you. Sif was a total badass in everything I’ve seen, but instead she’s a damn farmer. It’s like I’m back in North Carolina or something.”
Hannah wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. “I don’t think I can see you farming.”
“Then I guess I’m not just Sif, am I?”
That threw her. Hannah stared, unsure of what to say for a long moment.
Emily leaned in and playfully bit her lip, then pulled back, smirking. “I love you, Hannah. I don’t think I’d have been into Thor. He’s kinda a big burly man and not my femme bodybuilder.”
“That doesn’t help.”
“You’re not Thor. You’re Hannah. And you’re the woman I love. I don’t care if it’s some weird destiny thing or if it was just chemistry. It doesn’t matter to me. All that matters is I can’t imagine not having you here. Christ…Odin? Damn, I need to figure out how to swear now. Fuck. That works. I’ve only known you for a few weeks, and yeah, that’s weird. But it’s also gay. And just, I know that I want you here. I want to share this apartment, my shitty old car, hell, my life with you. I’ve never fallen like this for anyone, and if that’s because I’ve known you for centuries, then all that does is tell me that we already know it can work.”
Thor: Daughter of Asgard Page 10
