Myth 18 - MythChief

by Asprin, Robert

  “Massha has told us so much about you,” Gloriannamar-​jolie said, kindly gesturing to us to sit down. I boosted Flinna into a chair made of the foot of some huge bird and sat down in an armchair made of immense curving tusks.

  “I am honored to meet the Great Skeeve,” Bosheer boomed at me. “So where did you say you kept game be-​fore?”

  “I have never been a gamekeeper,” I said.

  Bosheer frowned. “Massha sent us a note saying you were coming by. Couldn't understand why you wanted the job anyhow. I thought you liked wizarding.”

  “He retired,” Glory murmured to him, closing her hand around his wrist. I noticed that she had two thumbs on each hand, one on either side of the palm.

  “That's right. I'm launching a new career,” I said proudly.

  “Ah. So what about the job appeals to you?” Bosheer asked.

  “I like to solve problems for people.”'

  '“How does being a game warden solve problems'?” Bosheer looked puzzled. I was beginning to realize that Gloriannamarjolie had married him more for his looks and personality than his brains.

  “I answer questions,” I said. “”Flinna here asked me to help her find a job. I think she'd be ideal for your pur-​poses." I indicated the Pixie.

  “Her?” Bosheer asked. His voice was making the little girl recoil. “What does she know about hunting?” “Nothing . . . sir,” the Pixie admitted in an almost inau-​dible tone. “Really?” “Well, I like animals.”

  “I do, too! Especially birds. They make good sport!”' “Bosheer . . .” Glory said warningly. “Not everyone likes to hear about that. Such as me.”

  “And that is exactly why we're here” I said, moving into what Aahz used to call “closing the deal.” “In your ad you said you wanted someone who could help conserve species. Flinna does really wonderful illusionary birds.”

  “Illusions? What do I want with illusions? I like shoot-​ing real birds.”

  The wince from his wife told me that Massha's assess-​ment of her former charge and her new mate had been spot on. Having once been the quarry of the Wild Hunt, Glori-​annamarjolie liked the idea of illusionary birds so the real thing wouldn't be targeted unnecessarily.

  “It's hardly as if we need to eat songbirds, darling,” Glory added pointedly. “A wild boarotamus feeds the en-​tire castle for a week.”

  “But I like shooting at them,” Bosheer said. His hand-​some lip drooped in a pout.

  “And you can, all you want,” I said. “The same one several times over, if you like, if Flinna comes to work for you. She can manifest any kind of bird you want. I bet she can make them die really dramatically. In all different ways ”

  “Oh, yes,” the Pixie said, her eyes shining. “Really?” Bosheer asked, brightening. “I say, that would be fun. Can I see?”

  Flinna sat up on her chair and put her tiny hands to-​gether. From the shelter of her palms, a pointed beak poked out, followed about a foot later by beady black eyes. The head gave rise to a neck, then a body about the size of a melon with a long pointed wing on each side. Two very long legs escaped next, until a blue storkron was walking around the room

  “Terrific! Where is my crossbow!” A Whelf servant ran to the nearest wall and returned with a loaded weapon. The Prince took it from him

  and sighted down the quarrel at the bird. It squawked and tried to fly away, but Bosheer tugged the trigger. The quarrel smacked into the storkron, which staggered back and forth melodramatically a few times across the room before it collapsed to the floor and vanished. Bosheer was over-​joyed.

  “Tally ho!” he caroled. “You're hired, young lady!”

  “I miss having Massha around,” Princess Glory said. “I got used to having magik around the palace. We would love to have you here. Flinna.”

  Prince Bosheer strode over and picked the Pixie off the ground. “Marvelous!” he exclaimed. “Infinite numbers of birds to shoot, and not endanger the breeding population? That will be just jolly. Could start a new trend! We could have really big shooting parties. We both love parties. We'll do it. Thank you, Master Skeeve.”

  “Just Skeeve,” I said, modestly. “Thanks,” Glory whispered to me.

  I collected my fee and left Flinna with her new employ-​ers. Everyone was happy. I'd found the best possible out-​come.

  Not a bad start, I thought, wandering out of the castle. Be-​tween Flinna and Marmel, I had been successful twice. Two for two. A few gold coins in the kitty. Whistling, I bamfed out of Whelmet and back into my own office.

  To my surprise, there was someone in the office besides Bunny. The curtain to my private office had been pulled back, and someone was sitting in my desk chair. Someone with green scales and yellow eyes and four-​inch pointed teeth.

  “Aahz!” I cried.

  He scowled at me.

  “Where the hell have you been?” he asked.

  Myth 18 - MythChief

  ELEVEN

  “Who needs competition?”

  MA BELL

  As much as I had been looking forward to seeing my old mentor and partner ever since returning to the Bazaar, now that the moment had arrived, I felt strangely uneasy, al-​most shy.

  To my surprise, Aahz seemed to feel almost as awk-​ward as I did. He quickly rose from the chair, offering it to me with a sweep of his hand.

  “Sorry,” he said. “I just got back from out of town and heard you were back. Just dropped by to wish you luck, and Bunny said you were off working yourself, so I thought I'd take a look at your new setup. Didn't expect to see you back so soon.”

  Like while you were trying out my chair, I thought, then was annoyed at myself for the territoriality of the re-​action.

  “I didn't think you'd mind,” Bunny said, clearly ner-​vous herself.

  “No problem,” I said, forcing a smile. “Nice of you to stop by, Aahz. It means a lot to me. Really.” “I like what you've done with the place,” Aahz said, looking around. “Classy, without being ostentatious.”

  “Bunny gets the credit for that,” I said. “Interior deco-​rating never was my strong suit. Somehow, we never got around to that in my training.”

  “Too busy running for our lives, eh?” Aahz said with a chuckle. “Those were the days. Do you mind?” He indicated the pitcher of wine and accompanying goblets we had set out for prospective clients.

  “Help yourself,” I said, nodding. “I'd join you, but I've been trying to cut back on the stuff... and definitely not during business hours.”

  “Probably a good policy,” Aahz said, pouring a goblet for himself.

  “Oh, what the heck,” I recanted. “Pour one for me, too. I just came off assignment, and it's not every day my old partner comes to visit.”

  Policy was well and good, but I didn't want Aahz to think I was avoiding drinking with him. Besides, I had just finished an assignment. I lifted the glass and drained it in a toast to my success, and to seeing Aahz again. The wine felt warm going down.

  Aahz hesitated slightly, then poured a second glass for me.

  “About that visiting thing,” he said as he passed me the wine. “Sorry if I haven't been to see you very often. We've been kind of busy lately.”

  “So I've heard,” I said, taking an appreciative sip from the goblet. As with the decorations, Bunny had chosen the wine. I no longer trusted myself to do the li-​quor shopping. “M.Y.T.H., Inc. is still the hottest ticket at the Bazaar.”

  “We try,” Aahz said with a modest shrug. “It's been tough, though. As you know, we've been a little shorthanded.”

  That struck a bit of a nerve, but I decided not to let it bother me.

  “That's funny,” I said, carefully. “When I first got back to the Bazaar, I dropped by the old offices to say 'Hi,' and they seemed to have everything in hand. If anything, things seemed to be running more smoothly than I ever remem-​ber. As a matter of fact, I cut my visit short since it seemed I was more underfoot than anything.”

  “I heard about
that,” Aahz said with a grimace. “In fact, it's one of the reasons I stopped by. In hindsight, everyone realizes they gave you a bit of a lame reception. It's just that you caught them flat-​footed. I mean, they've stopped by Klah once in a while to see how you were doing, but no one expected to see you back here at the Bazaar. Not per-​manently, anyway.”

  “Setting up shop for myself, you mean.”

  I realized my goblet was empty, which surprised me. Aahz didn't normally pour light. I got up and refilled it. I meant to pour half a glass, but they were small. I hadn't really noticed that before.

  “I really didn't mean to throw anyone a curve,” I contin-​ued. "It's just an idea that Big Julie suggested to me, and I wanted to give it a shot. It wasn't until I saw how awkward the crew was when I stopped by that I realized how it must look. It never occurred to me that I was potentially setting up in competition to

  M.Y.T.H., Inc.'s operation. That was never my intention."

  “Yeah. Well, I don't think you have to worry about that anymore,” Aahz said with a smirk. “I've set them straight on that score. There's no way you're competition to us.”

  Something inside me went a little dark at that last com-​ment. I took a sip of wine to give myself a moment before responding.

  “How did you convince them of that?” I asked. “Just out of curiosity.”

  “Well, first of all, I pointed out that you'd never deliber-​ately do anything to hurt us,” Aahz said. I nodded agree-​ment. “Then again, there's the difference in the scope of our operations. I mean, you may be the Great Skeeve, but you're still only one person ... two and a half if you count Bunny.”

  “Thank you, Aahz,” Bunny said, dimpling and giving him a mock curtsy.

  “Oh, I don't know,” I said, refilling my goblet. “We've been doing all right so far. We've only been in business for a little while, but we've already handled a couple clients' problems for them.”

  “Good for you,” Aahz said, lifting his goblet in a small toast.

  “And you're right. We've been careful not to step on M.Y.T.H., Inc.'s toes.” I smiled. “We've even managed to send a little business their way. Nothing I couldn't handle, you know, but I'm keeping to the terms of my new opera-​tion.”

  “Oh you have, have you?” Aahz said, setting his goblet down with a click on the chair arm. “Sent us some jobs you weren't interested in, is that it? Too easy for you? Or taking pity on the folks you left behind?”

  “Hey, Aahz,” Bunny said, stepping forward. “It's no big thing, really.”

  “I wouldn't say that,” Aahz said, staring at me. “Even while he's trying to get his own new business launched, the Great Skeeve is careful to make things as easy as he can for his old crew. No, Bunny. I'd say that is a big thing.”

  “I figured it's the least I can do,” I said, staring back at him. “After all, they're my oldest and best friends . .. even when they don't act like it.”

  “Skeeve...” Bunny said, but Aahz rolled right over her.

  “Well, maybe they're a little unsure about how to act,” he said, “after their 'best friend' walked out on the busi-​ness and left them to twist in the wind.”

  “At least I told them up front what I was doing and why,” I snarled. “I seem to remember someone who walked out on everyone without a word and went back home to Perv. I had to hold things together then!”

  Aahz tensed and opened his mouth to speak, then hesi-​tated.

  “You're right, Skeeve,” he said, finally. “I'm in no posi-​tion to be critical. I will say this much, though: you can forget about walking on eggshells around us. I don't think you would be much competition for us, even if you tried. Especially not at your current level of powers.”

  “Says the one with no powers at all,” I shot back. The words hung in the air.

  “So, this isn't really about the team at all,” Aahz said softly, even dangerously. “You're still trying to protect your old partner. Well, I'll tell you something, kid, powers or not, I can still perform as well or better than anyone else . . . including you! Outperform them, even.”

  “And exactly how are you measuring performance?” I said through gritted teeth. “How have we always measured it?” he said with a fierce smile. “Who can earn the most?” “That sounds like a challenge.” I said.

  “Does it?” Aahz said, innocently. “All right. Have it your way. It's a challenge. The one who takes in the most money will take over the leadership of M.Y.T.H., Inc. The others will go along with whatever I commit them to. What do you say?”

  “All right,” I said, clapping down my own goblet. A few drops splashed. I thought I had drunk all of the contents, but it was half-​full. “Starting tomorrow. The first two cli-​ents that come in. You take one, and I'll take the other. We'll toss a coin to see who gets the first and who gets the second. Then we'll see who 'performs' the best. I'll show you I belong back in M.Y.T.H., Inc.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” Aahz growled.

  “You got that, Bunny?” I asked. “The first two clients tomorrow. Winner take all.” “I got it,” she said, emotionlessly. “I'll see you tomorrow,” Aahz said, and swept out. “I really don't believe that,” I said, looking after him. “Frankly, neither do I,” Bunny said. Something in her voice caught my attention. “C'mon, Bunny,” I said. “Did you hear what he said to me?”

  “Sure,” she said. There was a pitying expression on her face. “He said that he's missed you and wishes you well, to a point where he's gone to bat for you with the old team.”

  I blinked.

  “When did he say that?” I asked. “Right after you told him how much you've missed him and still need his praise and approval.” I shook my head. “Now, I know i didn't say that.” She looked at me.

  “No. You didn't,” she said, and walked out.

  Myth 18 - MythChief

  TWELVE

  “I've always believed in 'winner take all.'” L. CIPHER

  The first client to walk in the door. I sat at my desk, drum-​ming my fingertips. I was still kind of smarting from the confrontation but more determined to succeed than I could ever remember. So much was at stake: my reputation, my friendshipespecially my pride. Gleep lay on the floor with his chin on my lap. He rolled his big blue eyes up to-​ward me. I scratched his ears with my fingertips.

  “What if the client doesn't have the kind of problem that can be solved with money?” I asked Bunny, who stood holding up the door frame with her hip. She wrinkled her upturned nose at me.

  “Really, Skeeve, how many people would that cover? Most problems have something to do with money in the long run. I'll be fair. If it really is something nonfinancial, I'll wave them off for now. Otherwise, you take what I give you. The same goes for Aahz.”

  “We'll see to it that he sticks to the terms, what?” Chum-​ley said. He and Nunzio had moved a couple of

  chairs from the waiting room into my office to keep me company. “Lit-​tle sister is sitting with Aahz to ensure his compliance. Should be an interesting competition, eh?” Interesting. I shrugged.

  “What about some three-​handed Demon Pinochle to pass the time?” Nunzio asked in his high voice. “Thanks, but I couldn't concentrate,” I said. “Oh, don't fret, Skeeve,” Chumley said. “We're all root-​ing for you, you know.” I brightened. “You want me to win9”

  After Aahz had left, I spent a lot of time trying to re-​construct our conversation. It was a muddle, i should have known better than to drink more than one glass of wine but it had been so easy to fall back into bad habitslike going along with whatever Aahz wanted. I had been very nervous about what the others thought about the contest. When Aahz showed up at our tent flap this morning, most of my old friends had been with him. They'd agreed who would stay with each of us. and offer help or just observe. I realized too late that they all had plenty riding on the outcome of our competition, but was relieved that they didn't seem to mind that the challenge had been offered.

  Chumley shook a linger at me.


  “I say I'm not committing to a victor in this contest. You and Aahz made the terms: who wins, wins. My friend-​ship is still yours. I do not mind either way as long as the contest is fairly run and fairly won. If you succeed, I know what to expect after years as your partner. I would not cavil at a return to those dayswith some exceptions, of course.”

  “Of course,” I echoed.

  “If Aahz wins, then there may be some changes be-​cause he has a different way of doing business, but I don't think it is incompatible with our previous customs.”

  “Maybe not.” I sighed. “I guess I never really admitted to myself that I wanted to be in charge again when I came back. I suppose that's because I didn't know where else I would fit in the organization.”

  “Don't sell yourself short, Boss,” Nunzio squeaked. Gleep moved his chin from my lap to Nunzio's and made a hopeful noise. The Mob enforcer had a way of scratching my dragon's ears that made him purr like a cat. “You'd do tine. You always called us partners. I mean, then you should have no trouble no matter what happens.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “I guess so.”

  That pretty much summed up my mental geography lesson, I had to figure out where I really fit, whether I won this bet or not, and if I really meant it when I called them all my partners.

  I heard a murmur from the front room, then Bunny raised her voice. “Of course, Princess Hermalaya. I'll show you in to Mr. Skeeve's office.”

  A princess! If that wasn't a big-​ticket case, I didn't know what was. I shot to my feet. Chumley followed suit some-​what more slowly for the sake of the furniture and the ceil-​ing, which was a trifle low for someone of his stature.

  “Okay, Boss,” Nunzio said, standing up and straighten-​ing his knife-​sharp lapels, “it's showtime!” Bunny held open the carpet and an elegant creature sa-​shayed into the room. She had long white fur from

  muzzle to the black tip of her bushy tail. She unwrapped a silken stole from around her slender shoulders and presented me with a long, slim hand.