Myth 18 - MythChief

by Asprin, Robert

  Neither of us knew for certain whether Bobbie Jo would

  add a little to the beleaguered Foxe-​Swampburg treasury, but we hoped for the best. At my suggestion Hirame brought in a small box tied with ribbons to be presented to Hermalaya at the conclusion of the ceremony. It would contain whatever gold coinsor none at allthat she chose to donate to Hermalaya. I was aware my contest with Aahz relied on what the nobles contributed, but I just couldn't bring myself to sully the moment with the men-​tion of money. I was just as sure that wouldn't stop Aahz. I had to be me, though. I wouldn't do just what he would do to win.

  When they emerged from the ceremonial chamber clutching their tiny boxes filled with magik glitter dust, everybody was in a great mood. They couldn't stop talking about the experience. When Hermalaya completed the last, private elements of ceremony and came out into the main hall, they gave her a round of hoots, the local equivalent of applause.

  “Why, thank you all,” Hermalaya said, beaming at all of them. She looked weary but happy.

  “I believe that even the Homdom of Benos has never been transported like that,” one of the chiefs exclaimed. “Marvelous!”

  “I bet he'd love it,” Bobbie Jo said. “Here, let me give you a letter of introduction to him.” She sent a page scut-​tling away for paper and ink.

  “If I may make a suggestion,” Hirame said, raising one furry finger. He had a streak of purple icing on his cheek. One taste of Hermalaya's layer cake had made him a firm ally of all things Reynardan. “Sebellum Oatis might be interested in such an experience.”

  “Who's he?” Massha asked.

  “Well, he's not a monarch or world leader, though we've hosted him here a bunch of times,” Bobbie Jo said. “He's stinking rich. He's in agriculture. He raises choconuts.”

  “That Oatis?” I asked. I had eaten choconuts. They were an absolutely addictive confection for sale in most civilized dimensions. “I didn't realize they were grown. I thought they were manufactured.”

  “No, sir, purely natural,” Hirame said. “My cousin is his chief financial officer. Oatis has over four million acres on Pocalis. If you are looking for. . . monetary emolu-​ments ... he is someone you should approach.”

  “The Tanager family would love to meet you,” a male chief boomed out.

  “Lord Fetzafhe's the chancellor of the exchequer of Simelian,” an elderly chief suggested. “The Satnos of Simelian's gone completely senile. Fetzaf's been running the place for years. He LOVES cake.”

  Everybody else chimed in with suggestions. Herma-​laya, Massha, Nunzio and I left with a pile of introduc-​tions.

  “That was great!” I said. “How do you feel?” “Tired but happy,” Hermalaya said. “I feel as if I cre-​ated some harmony in that place.”

  “Well, you scored something for the balance sheet,” I said happily. I offered her the little box, which jingled appealingly. “Do you want to open it?”

  The little box contained a hundred gold coins. “Oh!” Hermalaya said, her large brown eyes welling with tears. “She's so generous! I could just cry?”

  “Don't do that, honey,” Massha said, offering a bright orange handkerchief to the girl. “This is just the begin-​ning.”

  We arrived back in my office in high spirits. I bowed the ladies out into the anteroom, where Bunny was seated at the desk, filing her nails. Guido and Nunzio, who was trying to get Gleep to sit up for a fried lizard leg, both stood up as we entered.

  “Guess how we did?” I asked.

  “Shh!” Bunny hissed. She tilted her head toward the other room. I heard voices inside. I raised an eyebrow. Bunny shook her head.

  I shrugged and passed over the box of money, along with other gifts the Octarooble chiefs had heaped on us when we left. Bunny looked them over carefully. She opened our ledger to a new page with my name on it and dipped a pen in indelible ink, one that neither Aahz nor I could alter with any spell available anywhere in the Ba-​zaar. She wrote the number 117. I felt a swell of pride. Guido took charge of the money, tucking the small box into the breast of his well-​cut pin-​striped coat.

  “Nice job, Boss,” he said. He looked guilty for a mo-​ment. '“I mean, Skeeve.”

  “And there'll be more where that came from, too.. . Uh, has Aahz chalked up anything yet?” I asked in a quiet voice, trying not to sound eager.

  Bunny frowned at me. “I don't think you need to know that. I'll tell you when it's all over.”

  “You are coming home tonight to stay with me in Pos-​siltum,” Massha told Hermalaya. “Skeeve and I both think it's better if you go somewhere with hot-​and-​cold-​running guards. Queen Hemlock won't mind putting up one noble-​woman, particularly one without an entourage who can make pastry.”

  “Why, thank you kindly, but I'd rather be handy to Mis-​ter Skeeve?” Hermalaya said, with an appealing look at me that made my chest swell. “I am relying on him as my pro-​tector?”

  “We really don't have any lodgings good enough for a princess, even one in exile,” I said. “That doesn't really matter,” Hermalaya said, raising hopeful eyes to me. “I'd just feel better if I...”

  “Let's go see a couple of people here in the Bazaar to start,” Aahz was saying as he pushed the door aside to let

  Tananda and his client step through. I was surprised to see that Aahz's client was another Swamp Fox, this time a male with curly black fur and glasses perched on his long nose.

  My surprise was nothing compared with his. He halted in the doorway and gawked openly, then dipped into a deep and courtly bow.

  “Why, princess,” the Fox said. “I must say I never ex-​pected to see you here.” Hermalaya sprang to her feet. She balled up her fists.

  “Well, I didn't think it mattered to you anymore where I was after you showed me my own border, you terrible man!”

  “Border?” I asked. “Is this .. . your prime minister? The usurper?” The black-​haired Swamp Fox was aghast. “Terrible? I don't mean to be terrible!”

  “Well, that's just what you are,” Hermalaya declared, putting her long nose in the air. “How else do you want me to think of you?”

  “Well, never as anything but respectful, ma'am. You've got to understand where I've been coming from....”

  “Princess?” Aahz asked, his eyes narrowing. “No kid-​ding! That's the little spendthrift herself?”

  Hermalaya's eyes went wide with shock. “Spendthrift! Is that what you think of me! How dare you!” She recoiled with dignity. “How can you expect me to remain here for one more moment with that man! You're right, Miss Massha, I don't feel safe here any longer. Take me away! This minute, if you don't mind!”

  “But, I. ..” Matfany began.

  Massha gave us all a reproachful look and blinked out, with Hermalaya in tow. Aahz pushed the black-​haired Swamp Fox toward the door.

  “Wait for me outside,” he said. Tananda grabbed Matfany's arm and towed him away. Aahz turned around, the orange veins throbbing in his eyes with fury. Both of us rounded on Bunny.

  “You knew,” I accused her. “You knew they knew each other. You knew you were setting us against each other head to head!”

  Bunny tossed her head. “Of course I knew. I thought it was kind of poetic, having the two of you handle opposing sides of a sticky issue. She came in ahead of him by not more than a couple of minutes. She told me her problem, and I sent her in to see you, Skeeve. I had no idea the Swamp Fox behind her was her former prime minister, but once he told me what he was there for, I couldn't resist handing him over to you, Aahz. What are the odds that the two of them would arrive here on the same day at the same time, looking for help with the same problem? It's fate!” She blinked her long lashes at us.

  “I don't believe in fate,” Aahz snarled. “Neither do I,” I growled.

  “Tough,” Bunny said, folding her arms over her ample chest. “You both want to be president of M.Y.T.H., Inc. The agreement was that you have to take the assignment and do your best with it. You don't have foreve
r.”

  “But his client's a black-​hearted throne-​stealer!” I ex-​claimed, pointing at Aahz.

  His scaly hand pointed directly at me. “His is a brain-​less party girl who fiddled while Foxe-​Swampburg fell apart!”

  Bunny shook her head. “You know nothing's ever just black-​and-​white. Now, get going!”

  With a fierce glare at me, Aahz stomped out. Guido gave us an apologetic shrug and followed him. Bunny looked up at me.

  “You, too.” “But this is my office!” I protested.

  She shook her head. “This is neutral territory, and it's going to stay that way until all this is over. Go with him, Nunzio.” She pointed toward the door.

  “Yes, Boss,” he said. “I mean, Miss Bunny.” The Mob enforcer took my arm. “C'mon. You know there's no argu-​ing with her when she's being organized. We'll go see what Chumley's scared up.”

  With a groan, I went.

  Myth 18 - MythChief

  EIGHTEEN

  “Hey, Aahz, good to see you.” The Geek, a snappily dressed Deveel, started to stick out a hand, then thought better of it when he glanced up at Tananda and Guido. unobtrusively holding up the wall. He sat down in his upholstered office chair and waved us to a couple of seats. “[ don't owe you any money that I know of.”

  “Not to me,” I agreed, after a quick shuffle through my memory. No sense in letting a debt slide if there was one. but there wasn't. The walk through the Bazaar had cleared my head. I'd deal with the concept of Skeeve's working directly against me later. “I'm here with a business propo-​sition for you. You'll thank me for thinking of you first.” The Deveel shook his head.

  “It means you think I'm the biggest sucker you could think of, you mean.” the Geek said.

  “Now, how can you say that?” I asked, mellowing my voice out to the smoothest consistency I could.

  “I know how Perverts think.”

  “That's Per-​vect!” I corrected him with a snarl, then moderated my tone. You could catch more dragons with meat than a punch in the snout, I reasoned.

  “Who's your friend?” the Geek asked.

  “I'd like you to meet Matfany,” I said, ushering the Swamp Fox forward to shake hands. “Prime minister of Foxe-​Swampburg. Nice guy. Runs everything. This is the Geek.”

  “You run everything, huh?” the Geek asked, with a grin.

  Matfany gave him an uneasy look up and down. “I guess so,” he said. “Right glad to meet you, sir. It's an honor.” He gave a courtly bow. The guy seemed to have an inexhaust-​ible supply.

  The Geek eyed him suspiciously. “Is this a put-​on?”

  “They have manners in Foxe-​Swampburg,” I said. “Not like here. Listen, I didn't bring this guy here so you can insult him. He's got something for you you've never had beforebrand recognition.”

  “You want to apply hot iron to my posterior, or some-​one else's? Not interested, Aahz.”

  “Not that kind of brand,” I said. “The Geek brand. I want to set it up so that when people see your name, they auto-​matically think of your style, your business savvy.”

  The Geek looked even more suspicious.

  “And what is going to make people think I'm savvy and stylish?”

  “When they see your name associated with a great place like Foxe-​Swampburg.”

  “Foxe-​Swampburg? Wasn't that the dimension that got hit with that insect plague about two years ago? I heard the place is a desertculturally speaking.”

  I should have known he would have heard all about it. Well, when you can't hide something, minimize it. I shrugged.

  “Just a hiatus. They like to think of it as a chance to clear out the old public-​relations material and come up with something new. That's why they want to align them-​selves with notable businesspeople such as you.”

  The Geek sighed and rested his chin against his fist. “I presume this is gonna cost me money. So, what do I get for it?”

  “Naming rights,” I said, proudly. “Landmarks with your name on them. Anyone who sees them will think of you as a Deveel of importance. You get your choice of any prominent location in Foxe-​Swampburg: mountains, rivers, beaches, buildings. Anything you wantfirst come, first served, of course. That's why I brought Matfany here before anywhere else. We are offering you, and nobody but you, first crack.”

  “Naming rights?” The Geek looked thoughtful. “I dunno, Aahz.” “What's the problem? You get to be famous.”

  “I've already got all the recognition I can handle. But in a tourist spot, which as you admit hasn't been much of a tourist spot lately? I don't want to be associated with insect hordes and bad food.”

  Matfany glowered at him. “Sir, our food is the top-​rated by Dragon Rotay and the Witchelin Guide. We've got five four-​star restaurants and four five-​star restaurants.”

  “Yeah yeah,” the Geek said, dismissively waving a hand. “Until some rival restauranteur sticks a cockroach in the canapes. And what about those bugs?”

  I snorted. “The bug problem's under control. It's still a beauty spot. Everyone knows it's spawned a million cheap oil paintings. And you could have your name all over it. Think of it. Geek's Peak. Geek Lake! Geekville! It's only limited by the level of your imaginationand your invest-​ment.” I whipped out the portfolio from my inside pocket and unrolled the map, full-​color with magikal three-​dimensional images, that we had bought from one of the waterfront shops. In spite of himself, the Geek looked in-​trigued. "The longest white-​sand beach in any civilized dimension. Crystal blue waters. Even the fish are friendly.

  Picturesque cliffs. Rivers. Canyons. And all a wagon's ride from the center of town which, as my pal just reminded you, has a bunch of live-​star restaurants. What do youthink? Sounds like the perfect investment for a guy on his way to the top."

  I could tell the Geek was tempted, but no Deveel ever parted with a coin without examining every side of a nego-​tiation.

  “I dunno. It's not just me, Aahz. My capital's tied up at the moment. I've got partners. What about them?'”

  “Well, what about them?” I asked. “How much do you want to cut them in for? There's a mountain range just south of town. It's visible over the whole resort area. You could name the biggest peak after yourself and let them have the lower hills. And if you want to handle the transac-​tion,” I added, lowering my voice confidentially, “you could take a piece of the action as a carrying fee. I don't have to know anything about that. We don't have to be worried about anything except the bottom line.”

  The Geek's eyes brightened. I never knew a Deveel who didn't like the idea of a piece of the action or adding him-​self as a middleman where there was a fee involved.

  “Er, how many people can I bring in as partners on that?” he asked.

  I didn't ask him how many partners he had. I knew that was an elastic number. Instead, I turned to Matfany. “How many peaks in that range?”

  “Visible from town? Well, sixteen you can really see, only some of em's not real impressive... .”

  “There you go, Geek,” I said, slapping Matfany on the back to make him stop talking. “Fifteen not counting yours. Naming rights for the whole massif will run six hundred and forty gold coins. Renewable every year.”

  The Geek nearly coughed out his own teeth. “How much? You want me to starve? You have to be crazy! Six hundred and forty gold coins for a nontangible asset?” “it's for immortality, Geek,” I said. “You're out of your mind, Aahz! A hundred is too much.”

  “We're talking about a whole mountain range!” “For that much money I ought to get mineral rights, too!” “Well, you don't,” I snarled. “You get to name it. That's it.” “How much are you putting into this project?”

  “My precious time,” I snarled, “which you're beginning to waste.” I grabbed Matfany and hauled him to his feet. “I can see you're not ready for the big time. Look, I'll just go over and talk to Gribaldi Enterprises. Grib knows a good thing, and he deals in souvenirs. It'll mean more
to him than it does to you.”

  “Wait a minute, Aahz!” the Geek shouted. I could see that the image of a mountain with his name on it was still dancing before his eyes, not to mention lining up fifteen investors to buy the rights to the other peaks whose fees would no doubt cover the Geek's mountain and then some. “How long's this offer good for?”

  “Until I get out the door,” I said, towing the protesting Swamp Fox with me. “Now, Mr. Aahz, just what's all the hurry?” Matfany asked.

  “What's the hurry is that we've got a lot of stops to make. I thought the Geek would be happy to get first chance at naming rights. I'm not wrong that often, but, boy, did I blow it this time.”

  “No, you didn't, Aahz,” the Geek said, lurching forward and grabbing my arm. "C'mon. Don't go away

  mad. We're old friends. Come and sit down.“ He gave me an ingratiat-​ing smile. ”I mean, it sounds like a great idea, but where's the return on my investment?"

  My mood changed in one second from fury to graciousness. I dragged the Swamp Fox back to his chair and dropped him in it.

  “I'm glad you asked me that,” I said. “Foxe-​Swampburg's gonna come roaring back to life. You can get in on the ground floor. You've got business interests in the Bazaar. Maybe you've got some merchandise that the tourists can't resist. I'm sure Matfany here can fix you up with office space, vendors, whatever you need to make capital out of your investment. I don't have to tell you how. Telling you how to make money out of something like this is like teaching my grandmother to suck eggs.”

  The compliment wasn't lost on the Geek, but he was still hesitating. I leaned up and stretched out a hand for the doorknob.

  “All right!” he blurted. “You have a deal.” I turned and extended the hand to him before he could change his mind. “Pleasure doing business with you,” I said. “Let's sign some papers. Half payable in advance.”