Myth 18 - MythChief

by Asprin, Robert

  “Nothing,” Tananda said, with a grin. “It has a lot more to do with private relations. Matfany, what would you do if you didn't have the kingdom to consider?”

  The prime minister pulled away from her. “Ma'am, my whole life is service to the throne!”

  By now, even I could see he was evading the question. If I hadn't been fixed on the job at hand, I might even have had some sympathy for him.

  “Forget it,” I said. “We're there. Hi, guys! Great to see you.”

  We had been met by not only the Geek and some of his business partners, but the entire Salamander workforce, all of them bright orange-​red hot, and boiling mad.

  Salamanders are small but dangerous beings from a di-​mension called Salamagundi. They like to visit other places because they're social by nature. Trouble is. they can set almost anything on fire just by touching it, which makes having one for a houseguest a real pain in the poste-​rior, Gus, our Gargoyle buddy who worked in the Golden Crescent Inn and did side jobs for us. had a Salamander pal named Berfert, who had also worked for M.Y.T.H., Inc. once in a while. Gargoyles don't have the problem with flammability the rest of us do, being made of solid stone. That was also why I hadn't panicked when the Geek told me he had hired a Salamander advertising firm to run his billboard on Geek's Peak. There should have been no prob-​lems with the little lizards on a bare rock face.

  “Toned down” in Matfany's terms, or even my terms, came nowhere even in the same ballpark with the Geek's, but the whorls, flourishes and fancy typography had been reduced by over three-​quarters of the mountainside. Within the newly defined borders, I could see wild streaks and black burns, evidence of Salamanders being surprised by something.

  “Look at that!” Pintubo shrieked in his shrill little voice, waving his tiny forefoot upward. “Hazardous conditions! My lizards don't have to work like this.”

  “Right!” the miniature crowd of Salamanders cried. “What do we want?” “Safety harnesses!” “When do we want them?”

  “NOW!”

  “But you guys can melt yourselves into solid stone,” I said, interrupting the chanting. “There's no reason you should be falling off. That's not even a vertical slope.”

  “It's some kind of magic!” the forelizard said. “Either you fix it or we're going on strike. We'll take down the other displays around town, too.”

  “If they do, we'll sue,” Gribaldi said. He was a large, meaty Deveel with a sloping forehead on which black eye-​brows grew thick enough to lose an antelope in. “You agreed that we get to advertise our sponsorship.”

  “I know,” I said. “Look, Pintubo, try it again. I just had a confab with the master wizard who was interfering, and he said he won't do it anymore. Give it a try.”

  The tiny lizards swarmed up the cliff face and moved into position. At a signal from Pintubo, they started racing around in their designated circuits. I had to admit that the effect was pretty darned impressive. The hot orange dots seemed to blur into lines. The mountainside above us be-​gan to blink on and off. The Geek. The Geek. The Geek.

  I put my arms around the shoulders of the Geek and Gribaldi. “Pretty darned impressive, huh? No more accidents.” “All right,” the Geek said, grudgingly. “As long as it doesn't happen again.”

  “It won't,” I promised him. “We're all going to be one big, happy family from now on.”

  Myth 18 - MythChief

  TWENTY -NINE

  That problem was solved. Too bad there was no easy solu-​tion to the cranky crowd that now surged around us. I had thought at first there were only a few dozen, but hundreds, even thousands of Swamp Foxes had made the hike up the steep path to make their displeasure known.

  I had to hand it to Matfany. He never flinched. He hopped up on a handy rock, stuck his thumb in the lapel of his coat, and addressed them.

  “Good people of Foxe-​Swampburg, I am happy to see you all. I want to talk to you today about our nation's pros-​perity. We have had some hard times in the past. In that light, some hard decisions had to be made by me so that our nation could survive. Our resources were few, so I enlisted the help of some kindly folks to help us get back on our feet.” He opened a hand toward us. When the baleful eyes of the Swamp Foxes turned our way, I wished that he hadn't. Noth-​ing like an angry mob to make you start to look for the exit.

  “What are you going to do about that eyesore behind you?” a passionate female voice demanded.

  “This fine exhibition is part of our recovery,” Matfany said. “We have to welcome new partners into our midst for at least a time. I hope you will embrace them as I have. It is all for the benefit of our fine country. I hope to lead you into a prosperous future in which we can hold our heads high and stand proudly beside our neighbors. It is my con-​tention that Foxe-​Swampburg will return to being a kind and welcoming place for visitors ...”

  SPLAT! Streamers of stinking goo sprayed all over me and Guido. Someone in the crowd had thoughtfully brought along a basket of decayed vegetables. I backed up until I could feel the cliff face at my back.

  “Mention Hermalaya,” I hissed.

  “Ah, yes,” Matfany said, straightening his glasses. “It may take you some time to get used to the new form of gov-​ernment here in our nation, but it is for the best. My cabinet and I have your best interests in mind. You are welcome to send queries and concerns to my office. I am especially in-​terested in hearing where problems need to be addressed.”

  “What about the princess?” I hissed.

  “Some of you have voiced your displeasure at the ab-​sence of Princess Hermalaya. I am afraid her actions did not fit in with survival of our nation for the future.”

  “But she's our princess!” a lone voice cried out.

  “That is beside the point,” Matfany said, sternly. “I am your prime minister! I have been running this country all throughout the crisis of the pinchbugs and the specter of bankruptcy that has followed in its wake. I am the one pulling you back from the brink of disaster.” He loomed over them. His shadow seemed to cast outward over most of the crowd. “Are you questioning my judgement?”

  They cowered back, filled with fear, until someone raised a copy of The Princess's Diary. “Yes! Yes, we are! Hermalaya loved us! We want her back!” That broke the logjam.

  “Yes! Yes!'” they began to chant. “Bring hack our prin-​cess. Down with Matfany! Down with Matfany!” My worst nightmare loomed as the crowd started to surge toward us

  Suddenly, the Salamanders began to fall off the sign above our heads.

  The bright orange lizards landed on the rioting Swamp Foxes, who howled and leaped around, bellowing with pain. The Salamanders, trying to scramble to safety, acci-​dentally set fur and signs on fire. The protesters forgot all about us in their rush to put out the blazes. I pulled back into an overhang out of the rain of fire. Pervects have tough skin, but fire is one thing that can destroy us. My compan-​ions crowded in after me. Outside, the Deveels ran in cir-​cles, howling about their precious advertising. For the moment, no one was thinking about us.

  “That saved our bacon.” I said. “I gotta hand it to Skeeve for timing.” “Skeeve's not doing that,” Tananda said. “He would never hurt Salamanders.”

  “Then who?” Guido asked. “Show me the magicians causing the cascade. If they are not in a concealed place, I am sure I can pick them off from here.”

  She looked up at the sky. I knew she was reading force lines. Since I had lost my powers I could no longer see them. “No one is pulling magik out of there. This is a natu-​ral phenomenon of some kind.”

  We heard a gentle cough behind us to attract our atten-​tion.

  “It's the Old Folks,” Matfany said, squeezed into the rear of the niche. “I told you they don't like people messing up their mountains and things.”

  The force of Salamanders gathered up their injured members and assembled in a group at the base of the Geek's sign.

  “That's it!” Pintubo squeaked indignantly at me. �
�We quit! This dimension is too dangerous for us to work! We are out of here! You'll be hearing from our legal represen-​tative! He'll burn you up!” They flashed out of existence.

  “Hey, Aahz, I warned you!” Gribaldi said, coming over to shake his fist at me. “We've had enough. You had better give us our money back.”

  “No!” I exclaimed. “Put up something else, anything! Your choice. I always thought Salamanders were a bad idea. How about Shutterbug photos? You could have your picture up here, too.”

  “No more,” Matfany said. He poked a fingernail at the Deveel's collarbone. “We are not having Deveels leering down at us from up here. You can put your names up in a more genteel fashion. Some of my folks have been out of work for a while. They'd be pleased to have the jobs. I don't want to have to make it a law to use local labor, but I will if I have to.”

  The assembled Swamp Foxes were outraged. “We won't work for them. And we don't want you! We want our prin-​cess back!”

  They started to chant again. “Bring back our princess! Bring back our princess!”

  Something whizzed past me and impacted on the stone face at my side. It was a rock. They had run out of vegeta-​bles, but they weren't out of missiles.

  “We'd better beat a retreat,” I said. I reached into my pocket for my D-​hopper.

  An unlucky stone smashed into my wrist. It caught the tip of the magical device and sent it spiraling out of my reach. I dashed out and made a flying leap to catch it.

  Guido jumped out after me, brandishing his crossbow in an attempt to cover me, but you might as well have held up an umbrella under a waterfall. The Swamp Foxes piled onto us. I got a foot in the eye and grabbed for the nearest tail. I closed my teeth on it.

  “Yow!” the owner bellowed. He must have retaliated against whoever was near his mouth, because another cry erupted from the pile of beings on my back. In a moment, it turned into a writhing, scratching, punching mass. I got off a few more punches and bites as I scrabbled on my hands and knees toward daylight. A Swamp Fox, also on all fours, met me face-​to-​face and bared his teeth. I snarled back. He recoiled slightly, but a dozen others shouldered up beside him. I faced a ring of glowing, yellow eyes. Well, if I couldn't ignore a fight, the best thing I could do was win it. I bunched up my thigh muscles and jumped back-​ward, out of their way. The only real way to win a fight is not to get in it.

  The Swamp Foxes were stunned for a moment, then came after me, barking and howling. I dashed around the rock Matfany was still standing on, trying to find my D-​hopper or a way down off the mountain. I dodged my pursuers three times. Then they got smart and split up. I found myself with my back to the giant rock, facing dozens of sets of teeth. Above my head, Tananda had been treed by another crowd of Swamp Foxes. Guido wrestled with one of the largest specimens I had ever seen, the two of them straining to toss the other one over.

  “Stop this!” Matfany bellowed over all the noise. “Stop all this at once!”

  The gang facing me straightened up like chastised schoolboys and looked up at him. The prime minister stood on top of his rock with his fists on his hips. He glared at them over his glasses.

  “Ladies and gentlemenI hope that you all are ladies and gentlemen! How dare you show such disrespect to these people who are our guests and visitors? You were all brought up with much better manners than that! You are Swamp Foxes! Honest, courteous, sensible people. Now, I am sure that you would like to apologize to our guests. Go on! Apologize! Right this very minute!”

  The leader of the pack put out a paw. “I certainly am sorry, sir. I hope you didn't take offense from us?” “Not at all,” I said, clasping the hand and letting it go hastily. “No problem.”

  All around me, the locals, some of them with torn or burned fur and blackened eyes were offering their heartfelt regrets to the Deveels and other merchants. I had to hand it to Matfany. I had never met anyone else who had such natural authority that he could call a mob to order with one bellow.

  “That's better,” Matfany said. He bounded lightly down from the boulder. “Thai's more of the civilized people that I have always known you to be. Now, may I wish you a sincere good night. Come along, Mister Aahz.”

  He started walking down the hill. He was so smooth that it even took ME a moment to realize he was talking to me. I hurried after him. The mob parted to let him go by. I stepped over a sign. Guido shook hands with his wrestling partner and followed. Tananda caught up with me and tilted an incredulous glance over her shoulder at the im-​mobile gang of protesters. I stumped beside Matfany.

  “That was incredible,” I whispered to him.

  “Ten years of teaching high-​school history, sir,” Mat-​fany confided.

  “How long's the lull going to hold?”

  “About five more seconds. I suggest we start running, as of now .. . three, two, one . ..”

  “Kill him! He exiled our princess!”

  “Kill him!”

  “Retreat is in order, gentlemen and madame,” Matfany said. He took to his heels. Tananda dashed after him. Guido and I looked at each other and headed off in their wake.

  The mob tore after us.

  Myth 18 - MythChief

  THIRTY

  We made it back to town fifteen times faster than we had left it. The soles of my feet were bruised and torn from running over rocks, and I had enough stitches in my side to make a quilt, but we didn't have a choice. The mob was only yards behind us. Matfany turned as we crossed the main square and headed up the road leading to the castle.

  “Bar the doors!” I bellowed, as we passed the guards.

  They sprang to grab hold of the enormous portals, but they were too late. The throng of angry Swamp Foxes burst in behind us, flinging the gates open until they smacked against the inner walls. Adrenaline gave me a kick in the rear. I kept running, almost into the arms of another gang of protesters who were still marching up and down on the steps of the castle itself.

  Guido took point. At the sight of the sign-​bearing Foxes ahead, he put his shoulder down and plowed into them like a linebacker. They went flying. Matfany trotted up the stairs in his wake. I followed the white tip of his tail into the blackness of the castle hall.

  I had to hand it to the guards on duty. They were on the ball. The doors opened as he reached them, and boomed shut as Tananda nipped through them. The guards threw down the bar, a piece of bronze-​bound wood as large as an I-​beam.

  “Where can we go?” Tanda asked.

  BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! The mob started pounding on the doors. The guards looked alarmed, but they mustered in a line facing the portals.

  “Those can't hold forever. What's the most defensible room in this place?” I asked Matfany.

  “The throne room is the most protected place,” Matfany said. “Stands to reason, as that is the seat of govern-​ment .. .”

  “Let's go there!” I said. “Which way?” “We can't go into the throne room, Mister Aahz,” he said.

  “What? Never mind!” I said, as he started to give me another one of his pedantic replies. “Don't be so squea-​mish about the privileges of royalty. Which way is it?” He pointed. I ran down the hall to the inlaid double doors that towered over my head.

  The guards flanking them saluted Matfany as we got closer. I ignored them, and grabbed for the bronze handles. I lugged. I pulled. I twisted. I put one foot on the frame and hauled.

  “Unlock them!” I bellowed.

  “They're not locked, Mister Aahz,” Matfany said. “I tried to tell you. The Old Folks won't let me in. They don't like me.”

  “What the hell, you're in charge!”

  Matfany shook his head. “You just don't cross the Old Folks. They've been against my taking over the govern-​ment pretty much from day one.”

  BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

  “We can't stay here,” Guido said. “Dose doors will not withstand forever against a thousand people. What's the next safest place you got?”

  “The dungeon's safe. So is the treas
ury.”

  “Do they have a second way out?” I asked.

  “Well, of course not. sir,” Matfany said. “That wouldn't make any sense.”

  “We'd be trapped there?”

  “I'd say so.”

  “Will converting the Old Folks to your government stop those people out there from protesting against you?” I asked.

  “Well, possibly . ..” Matfany said.

  I interrupted him. “Then the only thing we can do to stop all the chaos is to talk to the Old Folks. We have to convince them that we're doing the right thing for the kingdom.”

  “I don't think that's a good idea, Mister Aahz,” Matfany said. “They're a little tetchy.”

  “So am I!” I roared. “They can't keep blocking you out of the showpiece of your castle. They have got to stop in-​terfering with myyour ability to make money for the country. And I have no interest in being torn apart by an angry mob.”

  CRASH!

  The castle doors slammed inward.

  “Down with Matfany!” the crowd bellowed.

  “We gotta move,” Guido said.

  “End of discussion,” I said. “Where can we go?”

  “Out the back way,” Matfany said. “If you're so fixed on speaking to the Old Folks, that's the best suggestion I can make.”

  The guards formed a line across the hallway, spears pointing toward the advancing mob. Matfany led us around a corner. He pulled open a humble-​looking door and ush-​ered us into a narrow, damp-​smelling spiral stairwell. Guido jammed the door closed behind us. There were no lights, but Tananda took care of that with a little spell she probably used for burglary (one of her many sidelines). The pale golden glow

  surrounded us as we wound down-​ward into the servants' quarters.

  The white-​clad staff in the kitchen jumped in surprise as their prime minister went tearing through with a Per-​vert, a Trollop, and a huge, crossbow-​bearing Klahd at his heels.

  “Flying inspection,” he told them as he passed. “You all are doing very well. Mmm, that smells delicious,” he added to a gray-​haired old male stirring a pot.