Myth 18 - MythChief

by Asprin, Robert

  “Why, that's Princess Hermalaya,” a brown-​furred Swamp Fox declared, gazing at the white-​pelted maiden in our midst.

  “It is her!” said the wizard.

  “Seize them!” the captain bellowed. The guards surged forward and surrounded us.

  “What?” Massha asked. “Are you people out of your minds? This is your princess.”

  “That's right, ma'am,” the captain said. “And she is un-​der a writ of exile, as signed by our current ruler, Prime Minister Matfany.”

  Massha went over to tickle him under the chin with a thick forefinger. “You're not going to listen to that old meanie, are you?”

  The captain recoiled. “Ma'am, you are our prisoner, too. Take them away!”

  “Look, here, guys,” I said. “Let's be reasonable. You are going to take us down and lock us up in the dungeon. And then, what? You all know what's in that writ. You're going to have to take that sweet young lady, whom you have all known since she was a little girl sitting on her fa-​ther's knee, and you're supposed to put her to death.” I flipped a hand toward Hermalaya, who, wrapped up in her oversized white apron, was looking as demure and helpless a damsel in distress as I could ever have wished. “You don't look like the kind of heartless types who can drag their very own princess down the dark steps to the cold, dank, stone cells and listen to her cries for mercy while you prepare for an execution that every one of you knows is completely unjust?”

  I had hit my stride now. The guards, even the grizzled veterans, had tears in their eyes. The younger ones broke into open sobs.

  The captain turned to the wizard. “I just can't do it.” The wizard looked just as distressed. “Neither can I.”

  “Gentlemen,” Hermalaya said, coming over to lay a gentle hand on each of their wrists. “You must do what you all have to do. I don't want you to get in trouble? I took my chances coming back here, and it just didn't work out. That's the way life is. My daddy would want me to march down there with my head held high and take what I've got coming to me.”

  “No, princess,” the captain said. He pulled a handker-​chief out of his sleeve and put his long nose into it. HONK! “We just won't do it. We love you. We're not gonna listen to that old Matfany.”

  “But you have to,” Hermalaya said. “He is the law.”

  “No, ma'am,” the wizard said, with a little smile. “We are the law. He is the administrator. Most of the guard works for Matfany because they like getting paid. This particular squad here is the lawful opposition. Most of the others don't talk to us much because we won't openly re-​nounce you. You are downright lucky that it was us all on duty today. Everybody else is all out there running around after those out-​of-​towners.”

  “What out-​of-​towners?” I asked.

  “Strange-​looking types.” He eyed Chumley up and down. “No offense, sir.”

  “Okay,” Chumley replied, reduced to playing Big Crunch in front of strangers.

  “Go on out of here, honey,” the captain said with tears in his eyes. “We'll keep it quiet this time, but don't come back again. Look back on the good old days and think about us sometime.”

  Hermalaya gave him and the wizard a big hug. “Oh, I will! You all are so kind? My daddy would be so proud of you. I know I am.”

  “There are good new days to come,” I promised, “once we get rid of Matfany.” The guards looked at each other. “We're with you, sir,” they whispered. I didn't dare wait another moment for them to change their minds. I gathered up a big ball of magik. BAMF!

  “”We've won!“ I announced jubilantly to Bunny. I shook my bell pouch at her. The jingle was loud enough I could have attracted hordes of Deveels from all over the Bazaar. Massha set down her handbag. Nunzio and Chumley turned out handful after handful of coins until her desk was a glittering mass of shiny yellow. ”And there's plenty more where that came from,“ I concluded, as Hermalaya offered the little clay pot. Bunny ignored the pile of coins. I realized that Tananda was there, wrapped in a blanket with her hair plastered to her head. Both of them looked worried. ”What's wrong'.' Where's Aahz?"

  “Skeeve, we have a problem.” “What kind of problem? Where's Aahz?”

  “He's back in Foxe-​Swampburg.” Tananda said. “The Old Folks have been causing a bunch of trouble for Mat-​fany, so Aahz thought it would be a good idea to go and placate them. Well, you know, tact is not exactly his long suit.”

  “No kidding,” said Massha.

  Tananda shrugged. “The upshot is that they left us in the swamp. They've got Guido, too.”

  “'Where's Matfany?” Hermalaya asked, anxiously.

  “Him, too,” Tananda said. “In fact, they're angrier at him than they are at us. I was the only one who could get out. You have got to go and rescue them.”

  “Rescue them?” I echoed. “We just got away from a bunch of Hermalaya's own castle guards who were told to kill her if she ever came back home. Let him rot. Aahz can get out of trouble on his own. As he is always telling me, he's a lot better at it than I will ever be.”

  “No, Skeeve,” Tananda said, opening large green eyes at me. “He's not going to get out of this one without help. Those swamps are full of weird old magik, like nothing I have ever seen before. It's way out of my league. That squid could drown them all before I get back. He needs you. Hurry. You can argue with him later.”

  “Squid?” I asked. “What squid?”

  “The Old Folks sicced it on us. They're pretty angry about all the advertising the Deveels have plastered around the kingdom.”

  I was puzzled. “The Old Folks? They're not dangerous at all. They're just a bunch of ghosts. They played Musical Chairs with us. They ate Cake.”

  “Skeeve, he really is in trouble. This isn't a joke.”

  “I am afraid this lady is right?” Hermalaya said. “The Old Folks are pretty much just as formidable as they were when they were alive. Only they can't die anymore, so they can indulge fits of temper when they feel like it? They had some pretty mean things to say when Matfany tossed me out of the castle, but I thought it was best for my people to comply with his wishes? But they were never happy about it. If he walked into their midst, then it could be very bad for them.”

  “Don't let the contest blind you to what is really impor-​tant, what?” Chumley said. “Aahz isn't your enemy.”

  “No, he's not.” My temper was softening. I remembered all the good days. I even thought back fondly on those times when he called me names and made fun of me. It was nothing personal. Most Pervects didn't even talk to Klahds. Aahz had been the best friend I ever had in my life. I owed him many favors, not just one little lifesaving expedition. I had to get out there. “You're right,” I said. “He would do the same for me. He wouldn't leave me in danger.”

  “That's it,” Bunny said. “This contest isn't about your friendship.” “Can you take me back?” I asked Tananda.

  “Oh, I can get you in there,” Tananda said. She snapped her fingers, and all the mud fell off her hair and clothes.

  “The Old Folks don't mind anyone coming into their do-​main. They're just fussy about who they let out again. We have to hurry!”

  I reached up into the force line that stretched over the office and filled up my reserves. “I'm ready.”

  “Wait a minute!” Hermalaya exclaimed. She put her arms around me and Tananda. “I'm coming with you?”

  “Okay by me. It's your dry-​cleaning bill.” Tananda clapped her hands together. BAMF!

  Myth 18 - MythChief

  THIRTY -FIVE

  “One's descendants are always a disappointment.”

  RAMESES II

  The wave of smell hit me before anything else. It was like old cheese wrapped in burning newspapers with a touch of unwashed laundry. I gagged. Hermalaya detached herself from us.

  “Aahz?” Tananda called. “Can you hear me?” “Over here ...” came a faint little voice.

  I created a globe of brilliant white light. Suddenly, I could see that we were su
rrounded by spooky-​looking trees heavy with hanging beards of moss. Creepers dangled overhead in swags and loops. Insects immediately homed in on the light, diving in and out of the white globe. My feet immediately sank into the spongy surface.

  “Watch it,” Tanda said. “It's pretty deep.”

  I levitated until I could walk on the surface of the marsh. Tananda used a little of her own magik to guide me.

  The ground was an expanse of uneven masses. I glided from one semisolid lump to another.

  “There they are!” Tananda exclaimed, pointing to three blobs. I hurried after her. One green blob looked scalier than the others. I realized it was Aahz's head. All three of them were buried up to their lower lips in mud. Aahz's bat-​wing ears were flat on the surface of the marsh.

  “Don't make waves,” Guido said, stiffly. “This stuff tastes worse than dorm food.” I knelt beside them. “Are you guys all right?” I asked. Aahz glared at me. “What took you so long?”

  Tananda burst out. “Aahz! Don't be ungrateful! Skeeve came out just as soon as we told him you were in trouble.”

  “What makes you think I'm in trouble?” Aahz asked. “We're just having a mud bath while a marsh squid drowns us so it can have an off-​world buffet!”

  “What's a marsh squid?” I asked.

  A huge splash broke the silence. “That is,” Tananda said, pointing. My globe of light wasn't large enough to illuminate the entire expanse of the creature that surfaced.

  It looked like what stomach flu felt like. It was a sickly green mass of squirming, writhing tentacles with an ugly face that even its mother must have had a hard time loving. Two big round eyes as flat as dinner plates stared at us. One of the tentacles coiled out at me faster than whipsnap.

  I was ready for it. I charged up the globe of light and threw it right into those eyes. It exploded in a blazing star-​burst. Without eyelids to cover them, the squid was sud-​denly blinded. It squealed like an injured rhinophant and contracted its body to protect its offended orbits.

  I heard a yell of protest from Aahz and Guido. The waves of the thrashing squid were swamping them. I had to get my friends free before it managed to drown them by accident. I pulled some more magik out of my reserves and threw lassolike loops around all three. Then. I hoisted them up into the air.

  It took a lot more effort than I expected. My eyes wa-​tered as clouds of foul-​smelling gas were released. I strained to hold the spell together. When their feet cleared the wa-​ter, I discovered that the tentacles of the giant squid were wound around their legs and lower bodies. I couldn't let it go, or it would slither back into the swamp, taking my friends with it. Instead, I reached out to the hanging creep-​ers, some of which were thicker than my waist. Using my fast-​dwindling supply of magik, I tied loops in them and captured the ends of the tentacles. The squid struggled against me. I was gasping, but I got one leg after another tied up. Pretty soon, the whole monster was hanging from the trees like a hammock.

  Now that he was in no danger of drowning, Aahz took part of the rescue into his own hands. He grabbed hold of the nearest waving arm and sank his teeth into it.

  The squid squealed again, taking the sound up into the highest registers of sound. It threw Aahz halfway across the swamp.

  “Aaaagh!” Aahz yelled, his arms and legs windmilling. SPLOOP!

  Guido added his strength to the escape attempt. I couldn't see what he was doing, but the squid didn't seem to like it any more than it did being bitten. It trembled so much that Guido slipped out of its clutches.

  “Anyone got a rope?” he shouted.

  He hung by his fingernails from the tentacle. Tananda threw him a lifeline made of magikal force. He threw her a salute and hauled himself up again.

  Matfany was the only one still tied up like a spider's lunch. I didn't have a lot of magik left available. Tananda was right. I could see some perfectly good force lines, but I felt as though a glass bubble were keeping me from get-​ting at them.

  With only limited magik left to me, I had to think small like a hotfoot. I lit a white-​hot flame underneath the coil of the tentacle.

  The squid flinched away, but with the rest of it tied to the trees, it couldn't go very far. I followed it with the little fire, keeping it right up against the slimy green flesh until I could smell something burning.

  Somehow a whisper made itself heard over the wail-​ing. “Excuse me, gentlemen, but it's squeezing me pretty hard.”

  J ran over the surface of the swamp toward Matfany. Tananda scrambled up over the body of the squid, evading the tentacles that still waved free. She beat me there. With a dagger drawn from somewhere within her clothes, she stabbed the squid. I got there just in time to catch Matfany as the tentacle let him go. It felt after us, but I turned up the flame. It winced and curled up against its body. Tananda dropped down lightly to the surface. We each took an arm and carried Matfany over the water to a spit of nearly dry land under an arched willow bough.

  Matfany brushed himself down. His somber suit and black curly fur were plastered with green mud. “Sir, thank you for your courtesy.”

  “Save it,” I said, with no friendliness in my voice. “The princess was nearly captured today, and that was all your fault.”

  The prime minister managed to look dignified in spite of his condition. “I only did what I had to do, sir.” “Seems to me you could have figured something else out, a smart guy like you?”

  Aahz waded through the slime toward us. He stumped up on the spit of land and wrung out his sleeves. Gallons of water and a frog poured out of the sodden tubes of cloth.

  “What a miserable place,” he said. “I can't believe you Swamp Foxes think this is the nice part of town.” “How are you?” I asked. “How do you think?” Aahz said. “I'm wet! Look at that. A Barclys of Gannet suit, brand-​new, ruined!” “Haven't you got something you'd like to say to Skeeve?” Tananda asked.

  He looked up at me. “What do you think I should say to him?”

  “Well, I don't know. How about 'Thanks, you saved my life'?” Tananda pressed him. “Aren't you grateful?” Aahz made a face.

  “That wasn't anything special. So he clotheslined a squid. I'd have done the same for him.” He turned to me. “Thanks, You can go away now. We're fine from here.”

  I gawked at him. “Thanks? That's it?”

  He glared at me. “What do you want, a medal?” “What about some, I don't know, gratitude?” “You got it. I'm grateful. Happy?” “No, in fact,” I said. “You're acting like you're not happy to see me.”

  “And why should I be?” Aahz asked. “We're on oppo-​site sides of this competition. You stepped in to help. Now we go back to our respective corners and keep slugging. See you at the finish line.”

  I felt forlorn, then upset. “That's it? Are you mad at me? Aren't we still friends?”

  “Maybe later,” Aahz said. I felt devastated. He prodded my chest with a talon. "No, I'm not mad at you, but I ought to be! Look, you are acting like I'm the one who left. You bugged out. You didn't talk to anyone except Bunnyunless you needed them for something. How do you think they liked that? / didn't

  see you at all after that one time. You want to talk about ungrateful? Because we didn't open up our arms and let you march right in where you left off? Everybody gave you a pass because you're a nice guy, but you don't deserve it. You Klahd."

  I was being pushed on the defense. “I told you, I had to get away and prove myself.”

  Aahz looked annoyed. “And solving problems in a dozen kingdoms in as many dimensions doesn't give you that kind of confidence? What took you so long? I thought you had some potential, but maybe I overestimated your brains.”

  “Aahz!” I must have shown how hurt I was.

  “Aw, come on, I don't mean it like that,” Aahz said. “What's a couple of months out of touch between friends? But this is business, kid. You've known me long enough to understand that, I hope. Nobody stands between a Pervect and something he wants, especially no
t former apprentices and partners who happen to be Klahds who want the same thing!”

  “And dropping everything on my side of the competi-​tion to come and pull your fat out of the fire doesn't earn me even a little friendliness? If you can't even appreciate what people do for you, then I guess I don't need to have anything else to do with you.”

  “If you could only hear yourself, kid,” Aahz said almost sadly.

  I had heard myself, and I had to admit I didn't like what I heard. I was whining. No wonder nobody wanted to let me back in the group.

  I turned to stalk away, and found myself face-​to-​face with a virtual forest fire. Flickering shapes made of hot blue light surrounded me. These had to be the Old Folks. I went on guard and filled my hands with the remaining magik I had in store.

  “There you are,” said the leader. He had a deep, boom-​ing voice. He was shaped like a Swamp Fox, but one made of blue cellophane. His deep-​set eyes fixed on my face. “Those three boys aren't done with their punishment yet. You just can't take them away from here.”

  “Sorry to disagree with you,” I said, sounding more calm than I felt. “They're my friends, and I am taking them with me. Or you can try and put me down there. But look what I've done to your pet.” I gestured toward the squid, which struggled furiously against its bonds. It was tied to various tree limbs.

  The deep voice sounded aghast. “What have you done to Baby?'” “Baby?” I asked. That gigantic thing was a baby? “That wasn't nice of you, son.”

  A tenor-​voiced Old Folk joined him. “I guess he wasn't big enough to handle all of them. I'd better summon Daddy. He'll wind them up good, and this one into the bargain.”

  “Bring him on! I can take him, too,” I vowed.

  “And Granddaddy,” suggested another one of the hover-​ing flames, a woman with a long, sharp nose.

  Uh-​oh, I thought. I had just dropped out of their league. I didn't stand a chance against two of them.

  “Stand back,” I warned, igniting the power in my hands to a ball of red fire, “or I'll burn all of you back to life!”