by Becky Norman
“A retreat,” Lori said flatly. “I don’t suppose I could meet you there instead?”
Noel sighed gently again. “It’s on private grounds. And I had to scrape up my savings to register and it was only luck that I was able to get in – someone else had to cancel – it’s been sold out for months.”
He paused, waiting for her to say something, but she couldn’t think of a thing.
“I’m really sorry, Lori,” he said quietly.
“It’s okay,” she replied, pushing away her melancholy.
“We’ll still have New Year’s, right? Jeret and Lynta and I are coming down to ring in the New Year with you?”
“Yes, that’s fine,” she said, but both of them could feel the gap across the line.
Lori disconnected a short while later, after they had tried to make amends and end the conversation on a better note, but she still had an unexplainable feeling of abandonment and rejection when she put the receiver back in its cradle. Why couldn’t he have said he’d cancel the retreat? Didn’t she mean anything to him?
Lori checked herself abruptly as that thought passed through her head. That was neither fair nor charitable to the man she knew Noel to be. He had made it very clear that she was important to him – it had been she who threw an unexpected wrench in the works and wanted to throw his schedule out the window.
Lori growled in frustration and stomped over to the radio in the kitchen, the kittens scampering along behind her. Things had been so much easier when she was married, she thought as she flipped the switch to her favourite country station. Being married meant you knew where the other person was going to be every night...it meant lots of time with the other one around – not having to beg, borrow and steal every opportunity...it meant not having to guess how the other person felt most of the time because the commitment had already been made.
“Leia,” Lori informed the kitten as she jumped up on the counter where the radio was, “I really hate dating. I thought I was all done with that – for the rest of my life.”
The kitten began purring loudly and rubbed herself against Lori’s hip, encouraging her to divert her attention to a good belly rub instead of worrying about the future. Lori snorted in amusement as the little grey tabby fell over and presented her white underside for a massage.
“Alright, you little diva,” Lori agreed. “We all know it’s about you, anyway. Forgive my outburst,” she added sarcastically.
The DJ announced the time and the weather prediction at the top of the hour and then without warning, began playing a song Lori hadn’t heard in ages. But with the first strains of the piano, she knew it was Alison Krauss and a flood of unchecked tears sprang immediately to her eyes.
How pale is the sky that brings forth the rain
As the changing of seasons prepares me again
For the long bitter nights and the wild winter’s day
My heart has grown cold my love stored away
My heart has grown cold my love stored away
Lori wiped her eyes with a rough hand and felt her lower lip trembling despite all her best efforts to hold it in. This song had always seemed beautiful to her, but now there was poignancy to the lyrics that pierced her heart. Now she could identify with the singer all too clearly.
I've been to the mountain left my tracks in the snow
Where souls have been lost and the walking wounded go
I've taken the pain no girl should endure
But faith can move mountains of that I am sure
Faith can move mountains of that I am sure
Lori laughed at the biting irony, thinking of Mist and her lack of tracks...the loss of Cody...and her own unendurable pain. She was pushed to her limits, and she knew it. And faith? Well, she wasn’t so sure faith could move mountains, but maybe her faith just wasn’t that big yet. As the chorus began, Lori realized just how much she had been willing herself to go on despite all the odds. The song had tapped swallowed tears as she suffered in silence the loss of her husband, and now she finally let herself truly and thoroughly grieve one more time. This time, the grieving was for the loss of the person she should have been and the unfairness of a world that would make a 21-year-old girl go it alone...and the reality that even if she could survive it, there were times when she didn’t want to.
Just get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Get me through December
So I can start again
No divine purpose brings freedom from sin
And peace is a gift that must come from within
I've looked for the love that will bring me to rest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest
“Ah, Cody,” she whispered silently to the accompaniment of the violin, “I miss you.” Her chin started trembling and she gave in to the self-pity and despair – just for a moment. “I want to be that newlywed with you again,” she sobbed, trying hard to reverse time and appreciate what she’d had; trying even harder to crawl across the finish line of her expected endurance.
Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Get me through December
So I can start again
**********
Christmas was about what she’d predicted: the noise of young children and adults reunited practically throbbed out of the house the three days Lori was there. Her father doted on her to the point of annoyance and her mother insisted on reviewing her financial statements to ensure everything was indeed “in the black” at the farm.
Her brothers and sisters weren’t sure whether it was acceptable to utter Cody’s name so she had to go through the whole façade of talking about him more than she wanted to – just so they would be reassured she wasn’t suicidal.
Noel phoned her cell on Christmas Eve and she discreetly slipped away from the family, who were watching some hospital drama on TV; she went into the basement to speak with him since a large portion of the family was sitting on the couch she was using as a bed.
“Sorry,” he said as she slipped into an old office chair her dad kept in the basement. “Is this a bad time?”
“Not at all,” she assured him, picking at a mar in the fabric while she felt a flutter of excitement at the sound of his voice. “It’s never a bad time to talk to you – I’ve missed you.”
“Mmm – I’ve missed you, too. Believe me,” he added with a self-deprecating laugh. “When you’re in meditation for 12 hours a day, you tend to see images of things and people that are important in your life. I see you a lot,” he added.
“Oh,” Lori said softly, touched to her marrow. “I’m going to be very happy to see you on New Year’s Eve, what with all the mistletoe and midnight kisses everyone keeps talking about around here.”
He chuckled into the phone, his laugh a soft, warm reassurance. Still, he felt a million miles away tonight as she heard the TV program upstairs flip to a loud commercial and she had to listen carefully to hear his breathing on the other end of the line.
“So you’re meditating a lot? What else are you doing?” she asked.
“Nothing too terribly exciting, I’m afraid. It really is just a lot of sitting around reflecting, pondering existence, leading a generally hermity kind of life.”
“Hmm. I’m sorry I missed it,” Lori responded sarcastically.
He laughed again then said, “They actually do keep a couple of horses on the property, though – they’re great big monsters of things – even bigger than Ebony – to give sleigh rides and hay rides to the participants. You might actually enjoy it here – no doubt you’d be out in the stables the whole time, trying to teach them how to yield their hindquarters.”
She giggled. “Don’t make fun of me, you.”
“I promise – no more. Any other news with the cats?”
“No, and nothing from Jeret or Lynta, either. I s
poke to your roomie earlier today to confirm the time of your arrival next weekend. All seems to be fine in cat-land.”
“Ah, good. You know, Shadow has been with me the whole time I’ve been here? He’s sitting at my feet right now. It’s the most bizarre experience to have this black panther walking in front of you and know that nobody else can see him. I’m afraid I’ve had this little smirk on my face the whole time I’ve been here and people are beginning to think I’m just a smug little twit. When in reality, the smirk is just to keep from bursting out laughing at the absurdity of it all.”
“Wow, the whole time? That’s unusual for a cat to stay that long, isn’t it? Did you call him to you this time?”
“No, I got in the truck to drive up here and there he was. I think he approves of the retreat – he seems to be enthralled with everything that’s going on.”
“So I have some big news,” Lori said, as the thought popped into her head. “I don’t mean to change the subject, but Rita Dennymede’s lawyer phoned my parents yesterday – they are a few days away from settling with the airline. They said by the end of the year, each of the participants named in the class action lawsuit will be getting a settlement of a million dollars.”
Noel gave a soft whistle. “A million dollars? Each?”
Lori nodded, picking harder at the loosened seam in the fabric. “Yeah. I’m going to be a millionaire – can you believe it?”
“Wow,” he answered breathlessly. Then in typical Noel fashion, asked, “How do you feel about that?”
She gave a short bark of a laugh. “Rotten.”
“Well, you know what I always say; you have a choice in the matter. You can choose to feel guilty about the money or you can choose to feel grateful that Cody was able to secure this one last gift for you.”
Lori hastily blinked away a few random tears. “But he didn’t have to die so that I could have this kind of money, Noel. I would much rather work for my living.”
“I know you would. And I’m sure you’ll continue to work, regardless. And we’ve already had the conversation about why Cody died – I honestly believe it wasn’t just so you could have a million dollars. Just be grateful, Lori – you can stay at the farm now.”
“I know. I know it’s given me the opportunity to live with some security now – I might even enrol in university next semester – but it just feels so tainted.”
“Well then, why don’t you pay off the farm, put enough into savings to pay for your schooling, invest a good chunk for retirement and then give the rest away? That way some other people will benefit, too.”
Lori thought about that, imagining which charities she would give money to. “I might just do that,” she mused. “Provided my mother doesn’t start squirreling it away before I even get a chance to see it.”
They both laughed at that and wound up the conversation.
“Thank you for calling, Noel,” Lori said softly into the receiver a few moments later. “I definitely needed to talk to you.”
“That’s alright – the feeling was mutual. Are you okay, though?”
“I’ll be alright,” she affirmed. “It’s been kind of a rough week, with the holidays and everything, but I’m better now that I’ve heard your voice.”
“Well, anytime that happens, you just phone me, alright? I’m always at your beck and call, Lori,” he added with a smile in his voice.
“Oh, sure,” she teased back, “I bet you say that to all the millionaires you know.”
He laughed into her ear. “Every one.”
**********
When Lori returned home from her parents’ place there was a large envelope from McMaster University in the mail. She had been accepted and could begin classes in January, the accompanying letter read. It was unusual, but they had had a cancellation and if she wanted to start at this late date, she was welcome to enrol. Fate, she declared, and sat down at the kitchen table to choose her first subjects.
**********
Lynta and Jeret were considerate enough to hang back by the car (under the pretence of gathering the gifts and food they had brought with them to Lori’s place) as Noel gave Lori a soul-searching, long-lost-love-type kiss in her kitchen. She tasted wonderful – her lips still carrying a whisper of the eggnog she’d been sipping when he came into the house – and her silver-dappled hair smelled of the pine boughs she’d used to decorate the log home. It all felt so right, as a matter of fact, that he’d held onto her after the kiss, keeping her body close to his and rubbing his face alongside her own in affection, extremely cat-like.
She laughed breathlessly and pulled back slightly to look into his eyes.
“Wow,” she offered. “Hi.”
He cupped her face in his hands and was relieved to see her eyes glowing with pleasure. “Hi,” he answered back as he leaned forward and kissed her hungrily again.
When their lips finally broke apart, he let one hand slide down her throat, his fingers curling behind the nape of her neck as he breathed heavily against her cheek. “That’s for the mistletoe,” he whispered throatily and she laughed, burying her head in the crook between his neck and chest.
“Then I can’t wait for midnight,” she retorted before kissing him lightly on the Adam’s apple and running her hands across his chest. He could have sworn he saw miniscule lightning bolts sparking from her fingertips.
They broke apart as Jeret tripped loudly on the porch stairs – uncharacteristically and with obvious warning that they were coming in – and Noel laughed self-consciously at the teasing in his roommate’s eyes. Life was good today. Very good indeed.
Because of the personal beliefs of most of the people in the room, there would be no alcohol served at this particular New Year’s Eve party, but there was food in abundance and nobody seemed to notice the lack in beverages. There were spring rolls, garden-stuffed mushrooms, goat cheese and crackers, a shrimp ring, and raw vegetables and dip for appetizers; then a warm rice pilaf made with corn, peas, cashews, cumin and coriander as the main meal with eggplant parmesan and garlic toast to complement. For dessert, Lori had found her favourite miniature éclairs, and Jeret had scored some brilliant baklava from Greek-town in Toronto. Add the tea and coffee afterwards and life was complete.
Noel took Lori’s hand as he slid down onto the couch next to her after the meal and if Jeret or Lynta noticed, they didn’t say anything. He caressed the top of Lori’s thumb with his own and marvelled at how intimate holding hands with another person – the right person – could be. The connection and flow of energy from one being to the other was as palpable as that of a blood transfusion; the heart pumping its love out one hand and directly into the recipient’s.
“I got accepted to McMaster,” Lori offered to Jeret’s inquiry as to what was new. “I was telling Noel earlier this week – they had a last-minute cancellation and wanted to know if I was ready to start in January. So I’ve decided to take some preliminary 101 classes, a couple of business courses, and then just for the fun of it, I’m going to take an Intro to World Religions class and a Nature Literature class.”
Jeret laughed from across the room. “Intro to World Religions is fun? You’re a weird girl, Lori.”
“Oh, hush,” she said, sticking her tongue out at him. “I don’t know as much as you guys – obviously – about Buddhism, Islam and the like. I want to learn.”
Noel squeezed her hand very subtly and was rewarded with a squeeze in return. I’m very proud of you, he said through his touch. Thanks for supporting me, she answered.
“So when do you start, Lori?” Lynta asked, curled up on the loveseat with her fingers wrapped comfortably around the warm mug of black coffee she drank.
“Soon – January 4th, actually. I’m kind of nervous and excited all at the same time.”
“Now that’s the first time I’ve ever heard a new student say that,” Jeret commented sarcastically in his deep bass voice.
“Oh, would you shut u
p and stop teasing me tonight?” Lori asked, exasperated; she threw a pillow at him with a grin.
Noel was pleased to note she didn’t let go of his hand to do it.
Jeret laughed and tossed it back to her. “You know I love you,” he pointed out. “Or you wouldn’t get any notice from me at all.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Lori said, but she smiled just the same.
“Well, I tell you, Lori,” Jeret answered, leaning forward towards her a bit. “If you find out any deep insights about Hinduism, you be sure to let me know. That Iftakar guy was back by the caracal this morning. He gives me the creeps, I have to say.”
Noel narrowed his eyes, scanning Jeret’s face. “Why was he back? Did he say?”
Jeret shook his head. “Nah, but he looks mighty disturbed. You might want to brush up against him the next time he’s there, Noel, and see if you can get him to talk to you.”
Noel grinned. “Why don’t you do that yourself?”
“There’s no way I’m brushing up against that guy,” Jeret snorted. “He’s way too angry for me to handle.”
Noel gave a small laugh. “He is raging, that’s for sure.”
“Have you gotten anymore from his cat, Noel?” Lynta asked as she adjusted herself in the seat, pulling the long flowing robes of her teal-coloured hijab back into place.
Noel shook his head regretfully. “No, he’s been so affected by the thoughts of Iftakar that I can’t get either one of them to think coherently yet.”
Lori shuddered briefly; he felt the tremor run up his own arm. “Do you honestly think he’s one of us? Why would he be included?”
“Why shouldn’t he be?” Noel asked. “We’re none of us perfect – we’re all struggling with our own demons.”
“Hey, now,” Jeret interjected. “Speak for yourself.”
Noel gave his friend an ironic smile and cocked his head. “You most of all, Jeret.”
The group laughed and Noel scratched the back of his neck with his free hand, seriously thinking about Lori’s question. “We don’t even know what we are yet,” he mused. “Who’s to say that Iftakar isn’t needed precisely because of who he is?”
“But didn’t the jaguar say to you and Lori in your dreams that we were simply to try our best with him?” Lynta wondered.
