by Ford, Mia
“Right. They did,” Callie said. “I can’t remember what it was about.”
“I remember. April constantly accused Kurt of cheating on her,” I said.
“Oh, right. Eventually he got sick of her paranoia and told her to take a hike. I didn’t really blame him.”
“So, what is he doing back in the picture now?”
“Well, apparently they happened to run into each other in town and started talking. Coffee led to drinks, drinks led to dinner, and dinner led to a bunch of naked, freaky, sex.”
“No way did April put it that way,” I laughed.
Callie giggled. “Yeah, but this is my story. I’ll tell it how I want.”
“So, all of this happened in the past month?” I asked.
“Yeah, I know. I guess love came around again for those two,” Callie said. “I just thought you should hear it from me because I think April is keeping it secret for the time being.”
“So, why are you telling people?” I asked.
“I’m not telling people; I’m telling you. I won’t utter it to another soul, I swear.”
“Ok, good,” I replied.
“So, what is new with you? Are you still living with that pervert cousin of yours?”
“Yes,” I said. “And he isn’t as much of a pervert as you think.”
“I know what I saw,” Callie replied. “He was leering at your ass. It is just so weird.”
“He says he wasn’t, but I don’t know.”
“What do you mean? I know what I saw. I didn’t make this up. I got a really creepy vibe from him.”
“Before that you were willing to sleep with him if he snapped his fingers. I mean, that is the reason you came down here, right?”
“Well, part of the reason. I guess I can be wrong about people sometimes,” Callie said in her defense.
“OK, then this is one of those times,” I said.
I was getting very defensive about Sam, but at the same time, I didn’t want to lead on any more about him or give Callie the wrong idea.
“Well, I got to go,” Callie said. “Back to work. Yawn!”
“Same,” I said. “I need to call April and tell her congratulations.”
“If you do that she is going to know I told you.”
“She probably already knows you told me,” I said. “You have never kept a secret in your entire life.”
“I resent that,” Callie said.
I laughed and then we ended the call.
It was great news about April, but I had my doubts it was going to last. April was too flaky and too paranoid to ever make a real relationship work. But she was my friend and I wanted to support her as much as I could, so I could be happy for her, at least until there was a reason not to be happy for her anymore.
The rest of the day went along like normal. When I got home Sam was sitting on the couch playing his guitar. The way he was playing he looked like he was extra angry, as if something had gone terribly wrong. I could only imagine, but I could venture a guess that his father had something to do with it.
I sat my briefcase down and sat down on the couch beside him.
“Hey, babe,” I said. “You ok?”
Sam smiled and nodded. “I guess,” he said.
The two of us sat there in silence for several seconds. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to find out what was bothering him.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
Sam stopped playing for a moment. He sat his guitar down on its stand and leaned back on the couch. He looked tired and truly worried. At first, I was really afraid of what he might have to tell me and I tried to brace myself for the news. I wasn’t sure how much more big news I was going to be able to take. I was at my wit’s end and I felt like my head was going to explode on an almost daily basis. It was just a constant tug of war pulling me in all directions from the inside, like the entire world had a meeting and decided how long it would take to make me go completely crazy.
“It’s my dad,” Sam said.
I breathed a bit easier, but still tried to convey to him that I was somewhat concerned.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“He is still harping on me about going to work for him. I’m so tired of having that conversation with him. I don’t see why it’s such a big deal to him.”
I waited a moment before answering. In a way, I really agreed with his dad on a few key points. I loved Sam and I loved that he was so passionate about his craft, his music, but I also did feel that it was pretty sad at his age to be supported by his dad.
“Well, have you tried to listen to what he is really saying?” I asked, hoping this would break the ice into an uncomfortable conversation that I myself had actually put off having with him for a bit. But now with the baby coming and things between us getting closer and more complicated, it was time to start to reevaluate a few things. I just hoped Sam didn’t think I was trying to change who he was. That could come off as a strong personal attack and that was the last way I wanted him to feel.
“What are you talking about? What part of anything he has said about it sounded logical?” Sam asked.
“Well, he just wants you to succeed and fulfill your potential,” I said.
“That’s what I’m doing. I’m living my dream. I’m working as hard as I can on what is important to me and following the path that has been set for me in this world.”
“Sam, you are twenty-four years old and your dad pays all of your bills,” I said. “I have never cared about that, but with us having a baby together wouldn’t you want our baby to see that her dad has a stable job, and brings in money based on work he did with his own hands?”
“I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” Sam said. He stood up and started pacing. “You are actually siding with him?”
“I’m not siding with anybody, but I do happen to agree that he makes some valid points.”
“You don’t think I work hard? I work so hard doing what I do,” Sam said. “Creating art is hard work. You know that. And following your dream, especially when no one believes in you is even harder. I thought you were different. I thought you cared about what was important to me.”
“I do,” I replied. “But I also care about someone who has personal pride and responsibility. Sam, I know how hard you work at your music, but it isn’t happening for you. If you didn’t have your father paying your bills, then what would you be doing? You couldn’t buy any food for the month if you didn’t have your father’s money coming in. Sam, you need to grow up a bit.”
Sam was looking at me as if I was talking another language. It was a look of real immaturity that I used to find endearing, but now that things were going the way they were with us and we had a baby on the way, that look now filled me with fear and dread. Was I going to be shackled to a deadbeat? A bum, for lack of a better word. And the weird thing was I could imagine how Sam felt because I’d never felt that way about him before. But now things were different. We were going to be responsible for raising another human life, for guiding and nurturing that baby. I wanted our child to have a father they could be proud of, a father who had pride in himself.
“Wow, this is crazy,” Sam said. “I believe in my dream and I’ll fight tooth and nail to protect it. I don’t need anyone telling me how to live or what I need to do.”
“Sam, when your father hears about us, did you ever think that he might just cut you off financially? That is a real issue. And if you don’t have a job then what will you do? I can’t afford all of our bills on my salary alone. I’m just a first year associate.”
Sam stood there with his hands on his hips. He had a mixture of pride and total self-defeat about him. I felt sorry for him, but he had to face the facts that it was kind of disgusting for a grown man his age to be supported by his father. And the more I thought about it, the more it turned me off. Sam had failed to grow up, but if he was going to be a parent he had to grow up and he had to do it fast.
“I don’t believe this,” Sam sai
d. “I thought you loved me. I thought it was going to be you and I forever with our baby, but now I see that you are ashamed of me. That is rough.”
“Sam, I’m not ashamed of you. I’m ashamed by the fact that in many ways you still want to be fifteen years old. You play video games constantly, you refuse to get a job and be responsible for yourself. It’s like you have no pride. I want you to be proud of yourself.”
“What? I’m totally proud of myself. I love what I do. I love what I work at. If I become some stupid corporate drone, then I will feel like a loser. I will feel like I’m just some schmuck. I don’t ever want to feel like that.”
Sam grabbed his jacket and walked out the door.
I didn’t understand Sam’s reasoning. It really was like arguing with a teenager. He had to grow up and I had a feeling I was going to have to put my foot down and I was going to have to do it very quickly.
This wasn’t just about me; it was about our child.
It was about us.
Chapter Twenty
Sam
I hit the open road flying on my motorcycle. I was livid after the bullshit that Kay had just tried to lay on me. I was livid, beyond angry. How could she just come at me out of nowhere with all of that? It must have been my dad. Was she talking with him behind my back? What all had she told him? Surely she wouldn’t have told my family about us without even consulting with me. I put the idea out of my head. That was ridiculous.
But what Kay said was not. It was very serious. In the blink of an eye, it seemed that my entire life was flashing before my eyes and changing overnight. My band was not getting any gigs anymore, the guys were starting to get restless and blowing off practice, my dad was harping at me harder than ever about going to work for him, my seduction game with my cousin had developed into falling madly in love with her, and she was now pregnant with my baby.
Hell, I could just see my father cutting me off financially, if he didn’t disown me completely after he found out. And he was going to find out. We had to tell everyone. Living our entire lives in secret about our relationship would have been fine, but once you bring a child into it then it all changes. And that’s what was happening. My head was spinning. I wasn’t sleeping much. I’d been drinking almost non-stop; it was the only thing that numbed the stress I was under.
And I just felt for the first time in my life like I was falling apart at the seams. Something had to give. I had to find a way to get some peace of mind. There had to be a way to slow everything down and just let the world spin around me while I took some time for myself. I considered driving away for a few days and not telling anyone where I was going. It sounded like a fun idea. I’d party and hang out with locals, possibly hook up with some foxy mamas, work on my tan, do some surfing. Yeah, I’d run over to L.A. Hell, it was only a six hour drive. I could be there before dawn easily. The bike would be a blast for that trip through the desert overnight.
It was a fun little fantasy, but not one that I was ever going to indulge in. Sometimes just thinking and planning was enough to put a band-aid on a wound like the one I was dealing with right now.
But it was not real. The stuff I was living with. That was real.
I pulled into a liquor store a few miles from my place and went inside. It was a smaller place I’d never been to before, but I was hoping they’d have something exotic or at least different then the run of the mill stuff I usually drank. I figured that after Kay went to bed tonight, I’d stay up and have some drinks while watching Ozark or Narcos on Netflix. That would be quite the evening. Maybe I’d tinker with a new song and consider getting a new band together since my current band did not seem to be working out. Those guys were far more interested in partying then practicing these days. There was a time for partying, and a time for work. They didn’t seem to know the difference.
I didn’t see anything new or unusual so I stuck with my regular Wild Turkey. I paid for the bottle and stuck it in the little side compartment on my bike. I wanted to go home and drink, but Kay would still be there and she would look at me with that judgmental look on her face as I sat there drinking and relaxing, trying to numb what seemed like never ending pain. She knew that I was spiraling a bit, but could she blame me. I’d never thought of having kids, especially at this stage of my life, and I never thought I’d fall in love then either. And I definitely never thought either one, let alone both, of those things would involve my first cousin.
So, yeah, I was reeling with some issues.
And she was too. I knew that. I tried to be there for her, but she was not returning the favor it seemed.
I pulled into a small park on the outside of town that I knew. It was a good place where teenagers typically went to experiment with drugs and sex and they thought that no one knew they were there because of the one side where the large hill was. Hell, everyone in that area grew up finding out about that “secret” make-out spot. It wasn’t so secret when everyone knew about it.
I got off my bike and found a spot.
I was just having my second drink when my phone rang.
It was Kay. Shit.
Begrudgingly I answered it.
“Babe, where are you? I’m a bit worried with the way you ran off that way.”
“I’m fine,” I said. “I just needed to clear my head.”
“OK. Look, I don’t want you to think that I’m against you in some way or your dream. I love how passionate you are about music and I would never get in the way of that. But on the other hand, I do think it would help you in all the areas of your life if you adopted something that had more structure to it. I may need to take off work a bit when the baby comes. I’ll have some maternity leave and I’d like to use it. And I know we can live off what your dad gives us, but I don’t love charity. I never have and I never will. I stand up on my own two feet. And, well, I guess I’ve always felt the man I was with would want to do the same. I just hope you understand how I feel and know that I love you.”
I listened to her words and sighed deeply.
“OK,” I said. “I love you, too. I’m on my way back.”
I ended the call and put the bourbon back in my little side compartment. I had only had a few drinks, which in Arizona was more than enough to get pulled over and face ninety days in jail for a DUI, and probably get my license revoked for several years. Arizona is a no tolerance state.
But I’d only had a few drinks, it was a short drive, and I figured screw it. Nothing would happen…
I was about two blocks from home when I almost faced death head on. Even though Kay had cleared up a few things with her phone call, the fact of the matter remained that she expected me to work and to help support our growing family. She was not alright with me continuing to live the lifestyle of a “struggling” playboy musician. I had to prove to her that I was worth more than that and I was willing to step up to do what I had to for our family.
Our family… it had a nice ring to it.
But the fear of getting a normal day job was wearing on me. I didn’t know what to do about it.
As I drove, I felt the panic rising up in my chest and at first thought I might be having an actual heart attack. I was having trouble breathing and my head felt a bit dizzy. Shit… I was passing out. I had to stop the bike.
Before I could slow the bike down enough I realized that I was drifting into the other lane into the path of an oncoming car. They honked and tried to swerve. I was going to hit them.
Somehow, I managed to turn the bike just out of the way of the car and slow it enough that when it crashed into the curb and threw me over the top, I was not hurt too badly as I landed on a thorny bush.
My bike came to a rolling crash about ten feet to my left. Luckily, it didn’t seem too banged up either.
I laid there on the ground for probably thirty seconds just contemplating what had happened and wondering when the searing pain or the life threatening injuries were going to occur. But I was fine. By my lucky stars, I was fine.
I got up and
dusted myself off. Glancing around I was relieved to see that no one had really noticed my little spill or brush with death. I jogged over to my bike, lifted it upright, and started it up. It was a bit stubborn at first but it turned over and I hopped on, once again speeding down the road towards home, albeit a bit slower.
After I pulled into my parking spot outside my building, I sat there on the bike a few minutes. That was when it all came crashing down in my head. I could have been hurt seriously, possibly killed just a few minutes ago if just a couple of things went a little bit more the wrong way. That’s all it would have taken and I would have been struck down by that car.
“Oh, my God…” Kay said after I finished telling her what happened. I thought about not even mentioning it to her, but it was obvious that something had happened to me since I was covered in dirt and had several nasty rips in my pants and jacket.
I decided to be honest and just let it all out, even though I knew she would probably freak out and overreact.
“I’m fine,” I said. “I didn’t tell you this to worry you; I told you this because I’ve reached a decision.”
“What decision?” Kay asked wiping tears from her eyes. She was so cute when she was trying to be strong that way. She was strong, but sometimes that vulnerability came out and she did her very best to push it back. It was the sexiest power struggle I had ever seen. And I loved her for it.
“Well, my life kind of flashed before my eyes right then and I’ve been dwelling on it since. I realized that nothing in the world really matters to me now except you and our baby. We need to tell our families. It’s time. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it’s never ever going to feel like it. We just have to get it done and over with and face the music or the aftermath of however they decide to handle it. I’ve also given a lot of thought to what you were saying. Maybe it is time I put music on the backburner for a bit. I’m not quitting or giving it up, but you and the baby are always going to be my number one priority. I want you to know that. And if that means working a steady job to make you and our baby proud, then that’s what I’ll do. At least until my musical breakthrough.”
