by Ford, Mia
“Ok,” Sam said. “This one is fine. Really, I like whatever you do.”
I nodded and smiled. I was trying to be happy, and I was for the most part. Everything was going great at work, they loved the past few projects I’d completed, and I had made a lot of great friends there. On top of that, we found out our baby was a girl and she was developing very healthily. Everything was going fine.
The only thing that had me worried was Sam. He was actually miserable working every day at a regular job he hated. He hadn’t even touched his guitar in a few months and he never even mentioned getting another band together. In fact, every time I mentioned it to him, he got very angry and defensive. He didn’t want to talk about it. He was no longer the happy, easy going guy he had been; now he was dark, moody, and very depressed. He was also drinking very heavily. I was worried about him.
But I just kept hoping that things would get better when the baby came.
“Well, what about this?” I asked pointing to a crib that looked like Paw Patrol car. From what I’d heard that was all the rage right now.
“It’s ok,” Sam said. “But it’s twice as expensive as this other one. It does the same thing; it just looks cooler. I don’t want to spend extra on this.”
I wanted the fun crib, but I decided to compromise. I’d been doing a lot of that lately.
We looked around a bit more, still not completely sold on what we both could agree on. The past few months had been a bit of a whirlwind. After we’d told our parents about us and the baby it was a tough transition for a bit, but now everything seemed fine with both sides. The only issues I was having about people close to me accepting my unconventional relationship were with my old friends. Callie and April had both more or less abandoned me. They pretended that they were both just way too busy, which could have been somewhat true, but they were not too busy to pick up a phone or to talk to me at all. I knew that they were against Sam and I. It had taken me a while, but I’d finally made peace with it.
But I could tell that Sam felt guilty. I tried to ease his mind, but he did occasionally mention it to me, asking if he should try to talk to them. I said no every time. I didn’t need him to fight my battles for me.
We had just about decided on the right crib when I began to feel strange. At first, it was just a bit of nausea which had been much less lately, and then it quickly progressed to pain and a feeling of total body fatigue.
I felt faint suddenly, as if my legs were going to buckle underneath me. Instinctively, I reached out to grab hold of the rack.
“What’s wrong?” Sam asked.
“I feel weird,” I said.
And then, my legs did buckle and I fell to the floor. The pain in my stomach was cramping hard and shooting spasms out from the center of my core towards my extremities.
What was happening? The baby… oh no! Please, God! Don’t let anything happen to the baby!
* * *
“Are you sure that is all it is?” I asked for what had to be the tenth time in the past five minutes.
The doctor smiled and nodded. “Yes, Kay. We checked everything. You and the baby are both fine. You just need to watch your electrolytes and make sure you are staying hydrated properly. You were a little low on potassium and salt—that is all. Remember you are eating for two, now.”
I nodded and relaxed back on the bed. It had been the most traumatic hour of my life. I really thought I was going to black out at one point. Sam and I were in the department store, I started to feel sick, and then my legs gave out from under me. The cramps in my stomach and my legs were insane. I felt nauseous, weak, and dizzy. I just wanted to close my eyes so badly.
Luckily, Sam was there. He quickly called an ambulance rather than risk moving me to the car on his own, and I was in the hospital ER twenty minutes later. They ushered me right in as a top priority emergency and quickly did several tests.
And now, I was feeling much better since being given IV and a bit of rest. It was almost as if nothing had happened now.
But, looking over to Sam, I could see he was still scared to death. He was pale, he was shaking, and he was still sweating profusely, but all the while he was trying to put on a brave face for me. I appreciated everything he did. This was not exactly how he wanted to spend his Saturday.
“Are you OK?” I asked him.
He reached over and grabbed my hand softly in his. He leaned over me, kissed me on the forehead, and whispered, “I’m just fine. Are you alright?”
I smiled. “Yeah. I think the doctor is right. I guess there is nothing to worry about. We overreacted. Now I feel a bit silly.”
“No, no. You don’t need to feel silly. We did the right thing. Something might have been wrong and we had it checked out. So now we know. Don’t feel silly over that,” Sam said.
“So, what about the crib?” I giggled.
Sam smiled. It was good to see him smile about something. He didn’t look well. I knew he was stressed, unhappy, and he wasn’t sleeping well, but he rarely complained, which made it harder for me. I wish he’d just level with me and tell me what he was actually thinking. I wanted to know how he was. I couldn’t help him if he kept everything bottled up inside. And that was exactly what he was doing.
He brushed my hair off my forehead. I loved it when he did that. It had this calming, peaceful effect on me. It never failed to calm me down.
“I like whichever one you do,” Sam said.
I smiled. “Liar,” I said.
Sam kissed me on the lips and nuzzled my nose with his. I loved it when he babied me a bit.
“It’s true.” Sam said. “If you want the cool crib with all of the doo dads and fun stuff, then that is fine.”
“Thanks,” I said. “But I say, we keep it simple. No use getting this kid all spoiled and stuff.”
I stayed in the hospital another hour just resting and getting hydrated. I realized that I had been working so hard that I often forgot to eat lunch and I was not drinking enough water, and failing to take my recommended vitamins as well. Basically, my little episode was all my fault.
It was relief knowing that nothing was actually wrong, but at the same time I felt intense panic because if I failed to do those simple things while being pregnant, then what was going to happen when the baby was born. What else might I forget? Was I ready to be a mother? I had no idea what I was doing.
When we got home I wanted to talk to Sam about how I was feeling and my concerns, but for whatever reason I just held it all inside. I didn’t want to burden him with any more shock and horror for one day. I’d already caused him enough grief. I could see how tired he was as he slumped down on the couch. He looked so defeated lately. He no longer had that energetic, youthful spark of the man I had first fallen in love with, but I loved him dearly all the same. In fact, I think I loved him more every single day. But I wished that he could be happier. Ever since the day he started working for his dad he had been this way and I felt somehow responsible. It was my fault for expecting him to do this, my fault for getting pregnant, and my fault for somehow falling in love with him.
I tried to dismiss all of these asinine thoughts, but the panic I had been feeling lately was gripping me tightly and I felt almost helpless to stop it. I just had to calm down and realize that they were just irrational thoughts and they couldn’t hurt me. They would all pass soon.
I wished Sam would just talk to me though. That was the biggest thing. He talked with me, but he never really shared what was on his mind, or how he was really feeling at any given moment. When he came home from work, he would just grab a drink and sit down in front of the television to chill out.
As I watched him relax on the couch and I slid in beside him, I felt somehow more alone then I had felt for a long time. I was with Sam and we had our baby on the way.
But I felt that Sam wasn’t really there. In his head, he was thousands of miles away from it all.
I was just left with the empty shell of who he used to be.
Chapter Twen
ty-Four
Sam
I walked into my loft ready to talk with Kay. I’d been mulling over in my head repeatedly what I was going to say to her and I’d decided that I had to put my foot down or else I was going to end up destroying myself and everything I’d worked so hard for.
I’d finally managed to get the band back together for a practice. We were rusty after not playing together for several months, but by the end of the practice, it felt like we were starting to shake off some of the cobwebs and things were coming together nicely. It felt so good to play again. I was so thankful that Chase had called me out of the blue.
I’d just finished showing the house to some hyperactive woman who could not make an actual decision about anything that she wanted and kept changing her mind every three minutes. It was utterly maddening and I was certain that she was not going to buy anything. It was a total waste of my time.
Chase and I talked a bit and decided that we should get the band back together. We were both getting the itch to play and it was the best news I’d heard in ages. The guys all seemed eager to want to play, even though I was pretty sure they were just going to get burnt out again in a few months like they did the last time, I was rearing to go. When I told Kay about it she was surprisingly very happy to hear it. I could tell she’d noticed the funk I’d been in the past few months and how miserable I was. Surely she would support my decision.
When I got home, Kay was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, still in her work clothes. I’d timed it perfectly; she must have just come home.
“Hey, honey,” Kay said.
I kissed her quickly and sat my guitar in the other room. I came back to the kitchen, grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down with her at the table. I was excited. I’d worked out carefully in my head everything that I wanted to say to her and the right way to say it for maximum effect. I’d been selling all day every day for months and I was finally ready to make the most important sell, to Kay.
“How was practice?” Kay asked.
“It was good,” I said. “It felt so amazing to play music again, like I was on fire. I’m still jazzed.”
“Great!” Kay said.
“In fact, it’s led to me making a decision,” I said.
“OK…” Kay replied. I could see it in her eyes that she was not going to like what I had to say next, but it had to be said. I was ready. She had to listen to me.
“Babe, I’ve been dying inside for three months. I can’t sleep, I’m barely eating, drinking myself to death, and I feel like a freaking zombie. I’m coming apart at the seams and I just can’t fathom another day like I’ve been living.”
“Babe, I know you aren’t happy. I’ve seen it. I’m glad you are finally talking to me about it,” Kay said.
“Good. Then you should support this. I’m quitting the job and going back to the band full time.”
“What?” Kay asked flabbergasted. The shock on her face was far more than I thought it would be. I expected maybe a bit of concern and a little bit of resistance, but she was straight up perplexed, as if I should never have even thought about such a thing.
“Yeah,” I said. “Now, listen. I’ve thought this through. Just hear me out,” I said.
Kay gave me the ultimate sarcastic look of all time.
“I’ve been making great money,” I said. “We’ve saved up a bit. We are good if I didn’t make another penny for the next six months. But in that time I’m sure I can get the band going strong if I work on it as many hours as I’ve been putting in selling houses. Baby, I’m sure I can make this work. I believe in myself; I’m just asking you to believe in me. Please.”
I was pleading, hell I was begging, which I never in my life thought I would do, but I didn’t care. I had to do this. If I didn’t get out of the real estate racket, I was going to go insane. I felt myself slipping deeper and deeper into a pit of depression and despair. I wouldn’t be any good to Kay or the baby that way. The baby couldn’t have a zombie for a father. I was there, but my mind was somewhere else, wishing I was someplace else all the time. I didn’t want to feel like that.
And most importantly, I didn’t want to resent Kay and the baby, and I could feel that coming. I could feel it leading me down that path. Once that happened, then Kay and I were as good as done with each other. And then what would become of the baby then? Our beautiful daughter needed a stable and loving home.
“Babe,” Kay said. “You can’t do that.”
“What? What do you mean? I’ve thought all of this through. It will work baby. You just have to believe in me as much as I do.”
I hated the sound of the pleading in my voice, but at that moment, I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I felt desperate. It was like drowning all the time and I couldn’t get out of it.
“Honey, we can’t,” Kay said. “Our baby will be here in a few months. She needs stability, especially now that your father has cut you off. I know you could go somewhere else and work, but your dad is right; you won’t make near the money. And we need that money right now to save up for the baby coming, plus the amazing benefits you have with your father’s company.”
“Babe,” I said. “I am just not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. Emotionally, I feel like I’m being burned alive. I hardly even remember who I am anymore. Today, playing with the band is the first time I’ve felt actually alive in months. Do you know what that is like for me? Do you have any clue?”
Kay sighed. “I know. I can see it, but we don’t have a choice. You need to keep working. If you want to do the band at night and on the side then by all means, keep doing that, but you can’t quit your day job. When your band starts making the same amount of money or more then you can switch. But you can’t just drop the job to do this. Besides, I hate to say this, but I love the fact that you are out there actually being a productive member of society. I work all day and you work all day. We are both contributing to our family. If you weren’t working, it would make me feel more like a mother to you than a partner.”
I listened to her words. I felt so many things right then. At one end, I felt stupid. Why couldn’t I just deal with working like everyone else? Was it because I knew I had something special to offer the world in the way of music? Or was it because I was just lazy and was using music as an excuse. Either way, I knew that if I kept working that something bad was going to happen. I was going to lose who I used to be.
And right now, Kay didn’t seem to care. I thought for sure after I broke it down and explained it all that she would be supportive. But she wasn’t. She was only looking out for the baby. Was it going to be that way after she was born? Was I always going to be given the backseat to the needs of the child? I knew I probably was. My role was to work a job I hated, and then when I was off work, I was supposed to go take the child to stupid, boring events to entertain them. I existed to be miserable now. That was all I felt.
And Kay wanted me to be happy with it.
“Fine,” I said.
I walked out the door slamming it behind me. It felt good to use the door to display my anger to Kay.
I got on my bike and drove off down the road. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there.
But I knew that today was indeed the beginning of a life filled with pain and misery.
Where had it all gone so wrong? What had I really done to deserve the death of all of my dreams?
Chapter Twenty-Five
Kay
I took a sip of my smoothie and then took a good look at the rack of baby clothes in front of me. There were so many adorable shirts with really funny sayings on them that I honestly wanted to buy every single one of them, but I knew Sam would probably have had a stroke if I’d done so. We’d agreed on a baby clothes budget (since I knew that this was going to be an issue) and I was determined to stick to it. I just hoped Sam liked what I picked out.
Odds were he wouldn’t even care or pay much attention. It had been two weeks since our fight about
Sam wanting to quit his job and as far as I could tell, he had sunk even further into his depression. I wanted to help him get out of it, but no matter what I said or did it just seemed to make things worse. Every time I suggested doing something fun after work or on the weekend, he would just say something sarcastic and some of them were quite hurtful. It was getting to the point that we barely even spoke anymore.
“This one is so adorable!” Peggy Swain said stepping around me and grabbing a cute t-shirt off the rack.
Peggy was a co-worker of mine that I’d become fairly friendly with. She was nice and we seemed to have a lot in common. Peggy worked in marketing and I loved her outgoing nature. She was the type of woman who would be the life of any party that she was a part of.
“Oh, I agree!” I beamed. The shirt she was holding was a pink t-shirt with white lettering that said “I’m cute, that’s why!”
I picked it up off the rack and tossed it into the cart. As we moved along looking at shirts, hoodies, jeans, and other great clothing accessories my beautiful little girl was going to need, I started to feel the strain on my back and paused a moment to lean against the cart and sip my smoothie.
“The back?” Peggy asked.
“Oh, yeah,” I replied with a chuckle. “It’s starting to hurt pretty much all the time now.”
“Yeah, you will have that. It’s going to get so much worse in the coming months though,” Peggy said.
“Great,” I replied. “Thanks for the good news.”
“Oh, it is so worth it,” Peggy said. “I remember going through all of this with my sister when she had her first little one. She said that the experience is never as much fun as the first time.”
“Fun? I’m not sure your sister understands what most of us would refer to as fun,” I said.
