Blue

by Jill Patten

  His arm drapes over his eyes, and I watch his chest rise and fall until it slowly begins to even out.

  “Thank you,” I say softly.

  He lifts himself up and the muscles in his abs contract, showing his six pack. A crease forms between his eyebrows as he looks at me quizzically. “For bringing you back to shore?” he asks. “You couldn’t breathe.” He shrugs as if it’s a no-brainer. “That would be an asshole move if I left you.”

  I smile. “Not for carrying me back but for pretending you weren’t freaked out by what you saw.”

  “Phoebe, I didn’t freak out because I wasn’t freaked out. If anything, I was terrified because I didn’t know what was going on at first.” He leans back with his arms behind him and his legs stretched out in front of his body. “When you rose up out of the water with your hands on your head, I thought you’d hit your board. I was expecting to see blood any second. Then when I saw…when I saw you weren’t physically injured, I was relieved.” His eyes shift from the water to me.

  He stares at me, making me feel as if he wants to know more. I don’t know if I can tell him more. This is my week to forget. This is my week to escape. Sad thoughts aren’t allowed in Panama City Beach.

  I feel him stare a hole through me. He’s waiting.

  My heart rate increases as I struggle to find the right words to tell him. I look up and my eyes find his oceanic blues watching me with nothing but admiration. But how?

  As soon as the words begin coming out of my mouth, I chicken out. “Blue, I know you’re wondering what’s going on with me, but I can’t talk about it right now. Hopefully…eventually, I’ll tell you, but right now, I can’t do it. Please understand,” I beg.

  “You don’t have to explain anything to me, Phoebe. You owe me nothing.”

  “But I do. I’m sitting here with hair on my head shorter than yours, and you’re acting as if I look like the girl you met at the taco place,” I say, dropping my head in shame.

  He gets up and sits down beside me. He’s so close our legs touch. He takes my chin and forces me to face him. “You are the same girl. It’s just hair. Hair grows.”

  My chin quivers and tears threaten my eyes. I force them back. There’s no way in hell I’m shedding another tear on my vacation.

  “Just think. It could be worse. You could have a shiny bald head like Mr. Clean.” He smiles and winks at me.

  I know he’s trying to cheer me up, and I appreciate his effort.

  A layer of silence settles between us. I have no idea what kind of stuff is running through his mind. I can only hope he means what he says.

  “Why are you being so nice to me?” I ask, my voice a little uneven. “Is it because you’re trying to score with me again before I go back home?” I force a smile as I make an attempt to joke back.

  He smiles a big toothy grin then shakes his head as if I don’t get it. “C’mon, give me some credit.” He chews on his bottom lip then leans over and kisses me oh so softly on my cheek. His lips linger a second too long and it’s the sweetest, simplest gesture. “I know I’m that guy, and I’m guilty for treating girls shitty, but you deserve better than that.” His head drops, and he looks down at the sand.

  “But why?” I ask, not understanding his true meaning. “Is it because you feel sorry for me?”

  Without lifting his head up, he turns it my way to look at me. His eyes widen with surprise. Maybe I insulted him. “I knew you were different before I knew anything about you. So, no, I don’t feel sorry for you. I feel horrible for whatever you’re going through because I imagine it’s probably tough, but no, I don’t pity you.” His tone carries an edge to it, and I now know he feels insulted.

  I swallow hard to force my feelings back down. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just if you were to put yourself in my shoes, how would you perceive it?” I ask with my head bent down between my knees, focusing on the hearts I draw in the sand.

  His fingers gingerly rub the nape of my neck before cradling the back of my head. I flinch when his hands touch my barely-there hair. “Look, you’re worrying about this more than it’s necessary. I know girls think differently than guys, and you all stress over your appearance, but I promise, when I look at you I don’t see your hair.”

  I lift my head to assess his face.

  “I see this exceptionally sweet girl who’s fun-loving and carefree, and who knows how to move forward when she’s dealt a shitty hand, hence your money mishap.” He leans over and leaves a quick kiss on the tip of my nose.

  I giggle then smile at his sweet words. “How have you not been snatched up already?” I ask, feeling a little more at ease. If he continuously tells me how he doesn’t see my flaws then maybe he truly sees the person I really am.

  He laughs as if I told a joke. “I told you, I’m a douche. An asshole. A motherfucking cocksucker. A bastard…must I continue?” he asks with eyebrows arched high, causing wrinkles to form on his forehead.

  Unsure if he’s joking or being serious, I laugh and it feels good to my soul. “Please don’t tell me you’ve been called those names?”

  He nods. “Yup, and then some.”

  “Damn. What did you do to them?” I ask, still unable to wrap my head around how I’m different from the other girls.

  “Fuck ‘em and leave ‘em,” he admits then winces. “Damn, that makes me sound like the worst guy in the world when I say it out loud,” he says more to himself than to me.

  “Yikes,” I say, not knowing how else to respond.

  “I know, right?”

  Silence falls over us again and this time it feels relaxed.

  A short time later, he helps me clean my wig of the sand and debris that got tangled in it on our swim back to shore.

  When he helps me situate the stupid thing back on my head, I’m completely mortified, but on the flip side, I’m also surprised with how comfortable I am around him. Not once has he made me feel any less of a person. He almost makes me forget anything is wrong. Almost.

  Without a mirror for me to look at, I rely on Blue to make sure I look decent enough to walk back to my hotel.

  “There,” he says, tucking a chunk of hair into the tangled up mess it is. His eyes focus on what he’s doing and the tip of his tongue sticks out of his mouth. He looks absolutely adorable. “It’s not the best, but it should stay in place until you’re able to work your magic.”

  I laugh after he steps away to examine his masterpiece. “I can’t believe you braided my hair.” This time I snort.

  “Tried. The key word is tried.” He reaches back up to fix something else he notices. “And it’s more of a twist than a braid.” Stepping back, he inspects me one more time then nods as if he’s satisfied with himself.

  I shake my head back and forth to make sure it doesn’t slide off. “Whatever it is, it’ll have to do. I don’t have much of a choice at this point, you know?” It’s not really a question so when he doesn’t answer, I’m not offended.

  Our comfortable silence reaches us again as Blue grabs his boards to haul back with him.

  We’re walking along the sand right where the water barely reaches our feet when Blue breaks the silence. “Can I ask you something?”

  In that instant, a million different things run through my mind. “Um, it depends. That’s a pretty loaded question,” I reply. Damn, here we go. Curiosity got the best of him like it does everyone else.

  He laughs. “It’s nothing bad or too personal.” He pauses as if he’s contemplating on what to say next. “After what happened out there today, I can’t help but think about how luck hasn’t been your best friend during this trip. So it leads up to my question—if you end up finding the asshole who took your money, what will you do to him?”

  That’s probably the last question I expect him to ask. I thought for sure it would have something to do with my sickness. “That’s easy.” I grin. “Kick his ass all over the state of Florida. And if I can prove it, I’ll press charges, too.”

  BLUEr />
  It looks like diverting her attention from her hair by asking about me isn’t the smartest decision on my part. What the hell am I thinking? For all I know, she could’ve forgotten about the money, or at least dismissed it. I’m such a dumbass for bringing it to the forefront of her mind. Me and my big fucking mouth.

  If she were to know I’m the one who betrayed her, would she still press charges? God, I hope she never finds out. I have to make sure she never finds out.

  We reach the entryway from the beach to her hotel, and I don’t want her to go.

  She took me by surprise on the water earlier, but oddly enough, it doesn’t change the way I see her. When people say it’s what’s on the inside that matters most, they’re not lying. I’ve never looked at women that way. Physical appearance is what’s always driven me to lust after girls. Not once have I ever taken the time to hang out with one long enough to discover what lies beneath all their beauty.

  Maybe I’ve never stuck around long enough to find out because they don’t have what I find appealing. They don’t have what Phoebe has. Whatever that might be. She’s like a mysterious gift I can’t unwrap. She has this magnetic hold on me I can’t control.

  “Thank y—”

  “I’m so sor—”

  We both start talking, and we both stop so the other can continue.

  Here I am about to thank her for the best morning I’ve had in a while, and she’s about to apologize for it.

  “I’m stopping you before you can even say it,” I say, leaning my boards against the wooden railing leading up to her hotel. “Apologies are not welcomed here.” I place my hands on her shoulders and turn her away from the walkway to give us a little bit of privacy.

  She looks at me with innocent doe eyes. All big and blue and so clear I can almost see into the depths of her soul. “All I wanted to say was I’m sorry we didn’t get to make at least a second run at riding a wave. I’m not going to harp on the other anymore.” She forces a smile.

  “Oh.”

  I skip her last sentence and start back to the reason she originally apologized. “There’s always tomorrow if the weather is right. I’ll check the forecast and see what they’re calling for. That is if you’re up for it.” I feel like I’ve had my first experience with diarrhea of the mouth. The thought of not spending the rest of the day with her has me restless.

  This time her grin is natural. “I’d like that. But, if I don’t spend some time with my friends, they’re going to disown me. Since we’ve been here, I feel like I’ve barely seen them.”

  I feel like I’ve barely seen you.

  “Blue, we’ve spent more time together than I have with them, and I owe it to them since they partially paid for this trip,” she retorts.

  Ah, shit, motherfucker! My lips draw in tight as I cuss myself under my breath. “You weren’t supposed to hear that. It was intended to stay in my head.” I’m kicking myself in the ass. It’s obvious I’m into her, but I don’t want to come off desperate. She likes to play with me, but I don’t think she’s as into me as I am into her. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m actually a little taken by her.

  She suppresses a smile. “No worries,” she says, her expression calm. “It’s kind of cool after…” she says, her voice fading. Her eyes droop downward then lift to catch my stare. “A girl likes to hear they’re wanted. It makes us feel…pretty. Gives us confidence,” she says, nodding as if she’s convincing herself.

  I shake my head. “You really have no idea, do you?”

  “About?” she asks, her eyebrows drawn, forming a deep crease between her eyes.

  “Look at you!” My arms are stretched out, pointing at her. “You’re the whole fucking package!” I exclaim. Hair or no hair, how can it not be obvious to her? “You’re fucking gorgeous. You have a personality that makes people want to be your best friend. And the small glimpse I’ve seen of your heart tells me it’s pure as gold. I can only imagine what more is hidden beneath that flawless skin of yours.”

  Her head jerks back and her eyes widen.

  “How can you look at me surprised? Surely I’m not the only person who’s told you how amazing you are.”

  “Blue, I’ve been told I’m beautiful by a lot of people. Whether I believe it or not is yet to be said, because I don’t see what everyone else does. As for being confident, I show it where I feel my strongest. When you saw me without my wig, that was a weak point for me. I don’t like people seeing that side, and normally they don’t, but none of that is an issue here. What I’m taken aback by is all the incredible things you say about me. Do you really feel that way? Do you really think that?” She asks me these things as if she doesn’t believe I’m capable of feeling this way.

  I pull her farther away from where we’re standing to widen our privacy. “Phoebe, let’s get one thing straight. I don’t owe you anything.” And I’m not counting the money and apology. “I’ve known you for a few days and soon we’ll part ways and never speak again, so when I tell you how amazing of a person you are, believe it. There’s no reason for me to lie and fill your head full of meaningless shit. When I have something to say, I say it. It’s up to you whether you want to believe it or not.” I stare hard at her and then walk past her to grab my boards.

  She stands still with her back facing me.

  With my boards in tow, I stop beside her, lean over, and kiss her on the cheek. “This morning was perfect, and as much as I’d like to spend the rest of the day with you, I have work to do,” I admit. After a few steps away, I turn back to her and say, “I really want to see you before you go back to PA. Come find me if you want the same.”

  I turn my back to her. I don’t give her the opportunity to reply. The ball is now in her court. All I can do is hope my last words soak in deep.

  Walking toward the Surf Shack, I feel like the biggest pussy-whipped dickwad to ever walk the Earth. If she doesn’t want to be with me then why am I forcing it? Why am I putting pressure on her to feel guilty if she doesn’t reciprocate the feelings? Why do I allow her to have my balls in her hand when she doesn’t even know she’s holding them?

  After I get to my place, I shower then throw a T-shirt and shorts on for work. I’m four hours early, but I have nothing else to do, and I sure as hell don’t want to sit around in my apartment alone.

  Thad is behind the counter when I walk in, and from the long line formed on the opposite side, my decision to come in early is a smart one.

  “Yo, brotha, you have no idea how happy I am to see you,” Thad mutters beneath his breath. “This place is a fucking madhouse today,” he adds while handing a receipt to a dude with blond dreads.

  “Yeah, I see,” I reply, looking around at the various groups of guys taking their chances at surfing. Some are playing it safe and sticking to boogie boards. I give those guys props for being themselves instead of feeling like they have to display their testosterone just to impress the ladies.

  “So how’d your surf lesson go with the lady?” he asks as he works the register like a madman.

  Not wanting to reveal Phoebe’s secret, I keep my answer to a minimum. “She caught on better than I expected, but we had to cut it short. She wasn’t feeling well.” It’s not a lie. She was clearly in distress.

  “Ah, dude, that sucks. Maybe you can get another morning in. Tomorrow is looking pretty good the last I looked.”

  “Yeah, I’m not sure I’ll see her again before she leaves.” Saying it out loud hits me hard in the gut. I’m not sure I can let her go home without saying bye. Without kissing her sweet lips one more time. It seems like it was just yesterday when I watched her by the baggage claim. Her time here seems like it’s flying by. Soon she’ll be gone from my life forever.

  Somehow, someway, I can’t allow that to happen.

  ****

  Fifteen minutes before it’s time to close up shop two chicks with a body and face made for modeling waltz in. Both are brunettes with long, wavy hair. Even though they’re wearing bikinis under their
tank tops, their styled hair tells me they’ve been nowhere near the water.

  Thad left me three hours ago to manage the shop on my own, and my last customer just walked out the door. “Hello, ladies. If there’s anything I can help you with, let me know,” I say although I want them to turn around and walk back out. The sooner I can close up, the better.

  Before I make myself look busy, I catch them giving each other a questionable look. Not knowing what it can mean, my first thoughts think the worst—they’re planning to steal. Knowing I have to watch every move they make, I walk back behind the register and watch them like a hawk.

  They saunter throughout the store, whispering to each other then giggling. Every thirty seconds or so, they look at me then quickly turn their heads when they see me staring at them. It pisses me off the more I think about them stuffing an item in their bikini top. I sound like a damn hypocrite.

  I glance at my watch and see the time is up. “Ladies, Surf Shack is now closed, so if you need my assistance, I’m more than happy to ring up your order.” I plaster a smile on my face for their benefit.

  They walk over to the counter, giving me a better look at their faces. One brunette has exotic green eyes I could get lost in. “Actually, we were hoping maybe you could join us tonight at Club Le Vela,” says the girl with the eyes I can’t stop gawking at.

  Blinking myself back to reality, I give her my best grin without acting flirtatious. “That’s cool of you to ask, but I’m sorry, I’ve got plans already for the night.” I don’t have plans other than to hang out in my apartment and watch TV like a pathetic loser, but they don’t need to know that. If I had it my way, I’d be with Phoebe, but she needs time with her friends. Friends who she’ll see for the rest of her life because they live in the same fucking town. Damn, now I’m getting jealous? What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t get jealous over any girl. Ever.