by Jill Patten
The sound of flip flops smacking against feet has our heads turning. And here she comes—the wild and crazy one.
She gives us a double middle finger as she marches down the hallway. “Thanks a lot, assholes.”
“Is one of those mine or does Tiffanny get them both?” I ask deliberately to get her fired up more.
“Fuck off, Blue,” she says, waving two middle fingers at me again.
“Has anyone ever called you crazy before?” I ask in a serious tone even though I’m joking with her. Sort of. “Because crazy Kristy suits you perfectly.” I can see it now; we’re going to have one of those love/hate relationships. I’ll love her because Phoebe will want me to, but secretly I’ll hate her and I’ll do whatever I can to torture her all the while pretending it’s a joke.
“Bitch, cunt, whore…I’ve heard them all and I don’t care. If that’s what makes you happy, then do it.” She rolls her eyes, and I can’t be sure if she’s really disgusted with me or if it’s pretend. Either way, I’ll continue playing with her.
“Damn, you just took the fun out of that,” I grumble, acting as if she burst my bubble.
She finishes me off by blowing me a kiss.
Putting my solemn face on, I turn my attention to both of them. “Hey, back to your concerns about me hurting Phoebe, I can promise you that will never happen. If anyone gets hurt it’ll be me. I’m falling head over heels for that girl. I’ll never deliberately do anything to break her heart.” I hope they’re able to hear the sincerity in my voice.
Interrupting us, Marvin and Kay find us in the hall and tell us they’re on their way to see Phoebe. “We won’t take too long. I know you guys are dying to see her too,” Kay says.
We follow them to the elevators then chill out in the waiting room on her floor. They stay true to their word, and minutes later they’re back. Not wanting to be rushed with Phoebe, I encourage Tiffanny and Kristy to visit her next.
“How is she?” I ask Marvin and Kay.
“She’s sedated, but she’s doing fine. She’s on a ventilator and most likely will be for a week. Therefore, she’ll be out of it for the next several days. You can still go back and see her, though.”
The corners of my mouth slightly turn up and a refreshing sensation flows through me. I believe in my heart she’s really going to be okay.
“We’re starved, so we’re heading to the cafeteria. Do you want us to order you anything?” Kay asks. “They’re only allowing visitors to stay for about ten to fifteen minutes for now.”
“Thanks for the offer, but I’ll grab something later. I’m not feeling too hungry right now.” And I don’t. Food is the last thing on my mind. Phoebe is all I’m able to focus on at the moment.
Marvin grabs my shoulder and squeezes it lightly. “She’s going to be fine. Don’t worry, son.”
His words catch me off-guard and it takes a minute for my brain to absorb them. Never in my life has my father addressed me in a loving way. It makes my heart ache in a good way. A far cry from the numbness my heart feels for the man who donated his sperm. I’ve often wondered what it’s like to have a dad who spends quality time with their son, teaching him how to become a man without belittling him. Well, if I’m able to spend more time with Marvin, maybe I’ll find out.
Standing on the opposite side of the large windows lined along Phoebe’s room, I peek in at her before walking in. She’s somehow lying there peacefully with monitors, wires, tubes, and beeping sounds everywhere. I’ve never been around anyone who’s gone through surgery before. This whole atmosphere is all new to me.
For the longest time, I stand and stare at her, afraid if I touch her she’ll break.
I have no idea if she can hear me or feel me, but I finally gather the courage to pick her hand up and hold it in mine. “Hey, baby cakes.” I chuckle, knowing if she can hear me, she’s probably cussing me out in her head. “I don’t know if you even know I’m here, but, if so, I want you to know how proud I am of you. You did it!” Bending down, I place a tender kiss in the palm of her hand. “Of course I never doubted you for a minute. You’re super badass in my book. That’s why I’m so crazy over you. Well, that amongst so many other things, but we can discuss that another time.” Staring at her, I wait and hope for some sort of reaction to what I said. But she lies silently still.
Interrupting our short time together, a nurse walks in and informs me that my time is up.
Leaning over her so the nurse can’t hear me, I whisper in Phoebe’s ear, “I…I’ll be back, but for now keep resting and have a couple of dreams about me. See you soon, Pheebs.” I kiss her cheek and walk out the sliding glass door.
As I walk down the hall to the elevators, I realize the L word almost slid off my tongue…again.
Walking into the cafeteria, I scan the tables looking for Marvin and Kay. Once I spot them, I go through the line to grab a quick bite to eat. My appetite still isn’t at its full potential, but I need something in my gut if I want to make it through the rest of the day.
Settling on a slice of pizza, I pay for my food and drink then go sit at the table with Phoebe’s parents.
They look up at me with weary eyes, and Kay gives me a lazy smile. They look as tired as I feel. I’m pretty sure none of us slept much last night with the anticipation of Phoebe’s surgery this morning.
No sooner than I take a bite of my pizza, my phone buzzes with a text.
Molly: Dad’s freaking out. You need to get home ASAP.
Ah shit! What the fuck is up with the old man now?
Molly: And how is Phoebe?
Blue: She’s good. Surgery went really well. So what’s up his ass?
Molly: Just get here. I’ll give you the details after.
Blue: Tell me now or you’ll see me tomorrow.
Molly: He’s pissed because you’re in PA.
Motherfuckingsonofabitch! God, I hate him.
He’s doing this purposely. He’s caught wind of my love life and he’s going to do whatever he can to fuck it up. Well, I hate it for the fucking bastard, but he’ll never come between me and Phoebe.
I change my flight, tell Marvin and Kay bye, and spend five more valuable minutes with Phoebe before heading back to Florida. It kills me to leave her when anything can go wrong. This is the most critical time for her.
My plane lands around midnight, and I barely get in two hours of sleep before I’m up and ready to head to the office.
Who the fuck works around here on a Sunday? Nobody. He’s only summoning me in because he wants to be an asshole. He wants to throw his authority around.
I’m already waiting outside my apartment for Molly when she pulls up. She insisted on tagging along in case things got out of control. She doesn’t trust me and our father in the same room alone. Can’t say I don’t blame her.
“Don’t go in with a bad attitude. Just listen to what he has to say and try to do whatever he asks without giving him shit,” she advises. “Remember, you need this job. You can handle his bullshit here and there, so don’t shoot the mouth off. Got it?”
“What the hell can be so damn important that he needs me to come all the way home when my fucking girlfriend is in the hospital with someone else’s lungs in her chest hoping her body doesn’t reject them?”
“Lance, calm down. Take a breather.” She pulls into the parking lot and parks in front of the entrance doors. “You’re already getting worked up and you haven’t even seen him yet.”
“I’ll be fine,” I say, stepping out of her car.
“I’m here if you need me. Just text.” I nod at her, close the car door, and then walk inside.
As I ride the elevator up to his office, I give myself a pep talk and try to bring my adrenaline down a notch.
His office door is open, and even though he doesn’t deserve any respect, I knock on his door before entering.
“Come in,” he says in a short, stern voice.
I take a seat in one of the pleather chairs in front of his desk so he’ll feel superior as he scolds me.
Once, when I refused to sit, he slammed a fist into the side of my jaw and told me to never defy him again. That was also the last time he hit me. And if he were to ever do it again, he’d be picking himself up off the floor.
“Molly said you needed to speak with me.”
“Yes. So let’s make this short. Your running back and forth to Pennsylvania for some girl is interfering with your job. You need to put an end to it if you want to keep this job.”
Nodding, I tell him what he wants to hear. “Done.”
He smiles, but it’s one full of menace. Just like I figured, he’s going to try everything possible to make this hard for me. Phoebe means too much for me to screw things up. He’ll never stop me from seeing her.
BLUE
Nearly a week after leaving Phoebe at the hospital not knowing if she would make it okay through her first twenty-four hours, I’m on a plane heading back to Philadelphia.
The sound of the door sliding open awakens her and those breathtaking blue eyes flash my way. As soon as she realizes who it is, her eyes light up and the biggest smile spreads across her face. The rhythm of her heartbeat accelerates on the machine, and I have to admit, there’s no greater feeling in the world. She can act as if she’s not as crazy about me as I am about her, but those beeps don’t lie.
“Hey, gorgeous,” I say low once I reach her bedside. Leaning over her, I kiss her gently on the forehead. My eyes close as my lips linger on her warm skin for a few extra seconds. “How’re you feeling?”
She reaches for my hand, and I give it to her. Her fingers are so small and slender, and they’re cool to the touch as she slips them through mine. She closes her eyes and holds my hand for a little while. When I think she’s dozed off back to sleep, she opens her eyes.
“I’m good. Very tired, but better than I was expecting. Physical therapy is kicking my ass, but the pain meds are making everything better.”
“Did they say how long you’ll have the tubes in?” I ask, gesturing to the drainage tubes in her chest. She looks so fragile with wires and tubes going different directions, but I know she’s a trooper. From what she’s told me about her past, she’s already withstood so much through the years, I can’t see her letting this life-changing surgery stop her now.
“They haven’t really said.”
Her eyelids grow heavy and slowly they close. I know her body’s drained, but I don’t want to leave her yet. I can sit and watch her sleep all day and night. As long as I’m by her side, I don’t care what she’s doing. She can be sleeping, using the bathroom, taking a shower, eating…I’m here for it all.
Her body twitches and her eyes blink open. A lopsided grin forms on her lips when she notices me again.
“Sorry, I’m not being the best of company. I’m so exhausted after therapy. You should get some rest. I don’t know how long I’m going to be fading in and out. Come back tomorrow?”
“Of course. There’s no other place I’d rather be than right here with you.” I don’t want to leave, but I do as she suggests. Caressing her cheek in my hand, I bend over her and kiss her forehead then her lips. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She nods then closes her eyes.
A nurse walks in just as I’m walking out, and I turn around to look at her one last time before I step out the door. She’s awake, watching the nurse with sad eyes. Something doesn’t feel right, but I can’t figure out what it is. Even though she lit up with delight when I walked in, it doesn’t feel that way now. It’s almost as if she wants me to go.
Bypassing the waiting room, I take the elevator to the bottom floor where Marvin and Kay are having lunch in the cafeteria. It feels somewhat like déjà vu from the first day of her surgery. When they spot me, they look a little surprised to see me already.
Ever since Phoebe’s surgery, her parents only leave the hospital long enough to shower and take care of any business needed at home, which isn’t much at all. I offered to bring them something to eat before coming, but they swear by the food here. And here I always heard how horrible hospital food was.
I pull a chair up to their two-person table. “You’re back early. Is everything okay?” Kay asks.
“Yeah, she could barely keep her eyes open while I was in there,” I tell them, not wanting to say anything more. “I was really hoping to spend more time with her since I have to fly back out tomorrow.”
“I guess between Marvin and me and Tiffanny and Kristy, we sucked all the energy out of her. Plus, she finished up her physical therapy right before you got here. Are Tiffanny and Kristy still here? They stopped in earlier to check on her,” Kay says then takes a bite of her salad.
“I have no idea. I didn’t even go to the waiting room after I left her. I came straight here.” My stomach begins to grumble, and I realize I haven’t eaten anything since before I boarded the plane early this morning.
“Whoa, somebody’s hungry,” Marvin says, chuckling. “There are leftovers at the house if you don’t want to eat here, and if you don’t want that, there are plenty of restaurants and fast food to choose from.” Marvin wipes his mouth on a napkin and tosses it on his empty plate. “We’re heading to the house in a few if you want to catch a ride with us. There are a few things Phoebe asked for us to bring her.”
Taking him up on his offer, I leave with them and opt for the leftovers. Kay warms up some chicken casserole for me then busies herself in Phoebe’s bedroom while Marvin disappears in his. When they reappear, they’re carrying what looks like more than a “few things.”
They stop at the kitchen entrance with a forlorn expression on their faces. Something is definitely off. There’s something they’re not telling me. “We’re heading back to the hospital. You’re welcome to whatever you want. And if you need to go anywhere, you can use Phoebe’s car,” Kay explains.
Tired of the weird vibe going on, I ask them, “Why do I get the feeling you’re keeping something from me?”
They look at each other knowingly then back at me. “Phoebe asked us to stay with her tonight.” Kay pauses. “And she specifically asked for you not to come back.” Her green eyes dart in the opposite direction from where I’m sitting as if she’s ashamed to look at me.
My stomach twists and turns into knots, and I’m suddenly no longer hungry. “What? Why?”
She shakes her head, and the corners of her mouth pull down into a frown. “We don’t know what’s going on with her. But we’ll be sure to find out. I’m sorry, Lance,” Kay says, apologizing for something she has no control over. “We were hoping once you visited her she would snap out of it. At first we thought it was the effects of her coming off the ventilator after being sedated for so long, but after you left her room, she texted us requesting you don’t come back.”
Why are they waiting to tell me this now? Why not while I was still at the hospital? I feel like they set this entire scene up. They knew what they were doing when they offered to give me a ride here. Sliding my chair back, I pick my plate up, dump the contents in the trash, and place it in the sink. “This is bull crap and you know it,” I growl, pointing at both of them as I walk out of the house.
Not knowing where I’m going, I start walking through the neighborhood, going the opposite direction I remember us driving in. I need to take a breather before I take my frustration out on Phoebe’s mom and dad. If she’s going to shut me out, the least she can do is give me some kind of explanation. I deserve that much.
Anger festers up until it’s buzzing at every nerve ending. Picking up the pace, my walk turns into a solid jog, then into a full-on run. There’s no better way to beat out my aggression than to exercise in some form or another. When I feel like my lungs reach their capacity and my heart is close to beating out of my chest, I slow down until I’m back to a slow walk. Sliding my phone from my pocket, I type up a text to Phoebe.
Blue: What’s going on? Why are you shutting me out? Please talk to me.
I hit send and walk back to her house.
Her parents are gone and the house
is empty, similar to how I feel inside.
After I shower, I sit in her dad’s recliner and watch TV. I don’t actually watch it. It’s on more for the background noise because I can’t handle the silence. A notification pops up on my phone, reminding me of my flight in the morning. Stupid fucking job. Here I thought starting this job would solidify my relationship with Phoebe. Now it’s dragging me home before I’m ready to leave.
Hours tick by without a response. Giving it one last attempt, I type up one more before I try going to sleep.
Blue: Please don’t do this to us.
Blue: Goodnight. Take care of you.
When I wake up the next morning, there’s still no reply.
When I pack my bag and make my way to the airport, there’s still nothing.
And when my flight lands in Panama City Beach…nothing.
Phoebe is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and now I’ve lost her along with my heart.
BLUE
“Okay, enough is enough!” Molly huffs then grunts as she jerks my comforter off my half-naked body, then proceeds to try and roll me out of bed. It’s not working out too well for her.
“Good God, Lance, when’s the last time you ate? I can feel your ribs,” she says as her nails slide down my side. Normally, I’d jolt and squirm, but not anymore. Every part of my body has become numb. It makes my life a little bit easier if I shut all feelings down after having my heart shattered to smithereens.
I’ve heard people say a million times how difficult it is to have your heart broken, but until someone experiences it for themselves they have no idea just how painful it is. And the pain I’m experiencing now is just as excruciating as the day Phoebe requested me to leave.
The weight on my chest is equivalent to a herd of elephants trying to sit on me all at once. It’s crushing my heart, my lungs, my bones until I feel like I’m pulverized to nothing but white ash. And the worst part is I can’t escape it.
Molly tries to pull me out of my dark hole, but I only find myself sinking deeper.
She gives up on pushing me off the bed. Instead, she tries wrapping both of her skinny arms around mine and pulls until she forces me to sit up. She plops down in front of me, still holding my arm, and pants as if she just finished an aerobic workout. Her heavy breathing is enough to remind me again of the one person in this world I want but can’t have.
