Blue

by Jill Patten

  I wish she would go away and leave me alone. But not Molly. Never Molly. She never gives up on me, and sometimes I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. After the numerous missed calls and unanswered texts this past week, I find it to be a bad one.

  “I’m stopping this today. You are stopping this bullshit today,” she says, pointing her finger at me. “I’m so over this sulking of yours. It’s time to suck it up and move forward like a man.”

  My eyes lazily look up at her to shoot invisible daggers into her forehead. “If you don’t like it then you can fucking leave. Nobody is asking you to be here.” It’s cruel of me to say, but I don’t like her acting as if I’m overreacting.

  “Shut the fuck up, Lance. You’re mad and you’re hurt and if you want to take your aggression out on me then so be it. But I’m not going to let you walk around like a zombie day in and day out when there are people around you who love you and need you. And I’m one of them.” She stares at me with pleading eyes, and the corners of her mouth dip down into a frown.

  Shit. Upsetting Molly is the last thing I want to do.

  “I’m sorry. I’ll do better for you. Only for you.” I try my best to smile, but my lips just aren’t able to form one.

  ****

  It’s Saturday morning and I’ve just gotten back from a sucky ass ride on the water. The waves don’t want to cooperate, and worse, Barneys invade my favorite spot. Why the hell are they surfing at this time of year anyway?

  It’s been six months since I’ve seen Phoebe, and a week short of that time since Molly pulled my head out of my ass. It hasn’t been an easy road, but I’ve managed to improve one day at a time.

  Phoebe finally texted me back a couple of weeks after I left to say she’s okay, but nothing else. Not even an ‘I’m sorry.’ My heart still constricts with immense pain every time she comes to mind. I wonder if it’ll ever lessen.

  Grabbing a towel from the shelf, I turn the water on, strip down, and jump in the shower. Phoebe enters my mind again. That’s the problem with her. She’s turned into some kind of fungus growing on my brain and no matter how hard I try to rid my mind of her, she forces her way through and continues to spread.

  Molly still keeps in touch with Phoebe, and when she thinks I can handle it, she’ll give me an update on how Phoebe’s doing. I haven’t heard anything in about a month. If I ask, I wonder if she’ll tell me anything. Usually I have to wait for her to feed me the info. I can’t come at her fishing for it or she’ll cut me off and tell me it’s none of my business.

  When I get out of the shower, I towel off then wrap it around my waist. I decide to text Molly about Phoebe, but when I pick my phone up I see I have a text from her.

  Molly: Meet me at Raul’s in thirty.

  Blue: Lunch this early? It’s not even 11.

  Molly: Yes. I’m hungry and I have errands to run later. I’ll buy.

  Blue: Haha! That doesn’t work anymore. I have a better paying job now, remember?

  Molly: Shut up and do what I say.

  Blue: Yes, ma’am!

  Molly: I’m not an old woman!

  Literally laughing out loud, I don’t text her back with the acronym.

  She’s so damn bossy sometimes. I tell her all the time she’s just like her father. Of course, that gets me an evil glare and a few punches to wherever she makes contact first. She’s been known to give me a charley horse a time or two.

  It’s still hard for me to get used to not living above the Surf Shack. As dumpy as the place was, or probably still is, I miss it. No matter how much money sits in my bank account, I’ll always be a simple man with simple needs. After I quit working for Thad and started my new job, I figured I’d vacate it so my replacement could rent it out.

  After throwing on a long sleeve Henley shirt and khaki shorts, I slip my Vans on and walk out the door. Luckily, after I got back from the beach, the parking spot in front of my apartment was still open, so I didn’t have to park a half a mile away. After Phoebe sent me home asking I never come back, Molly took me to the DMV for my license. My father would’ve flipped his shit if he knew I never renewed them. Once I had access to my trust fund, I bought myself my first car. It’s nothing spectacular, and my father considers it an eye sore, but it gets me from point A to point B with zero problems.

  Pulling into the parking lot by the beach, I look around for Molly’s black Scion, but I don’t see it anywhere. I’m five minutes late, so where the hell can she be? She’s always a stickler about being on time.

  Pushing my hand through my hair, I walk up to the green plastic table where Molly and I usually sit. Dragging the plastic chair across the asphalt, I sit down and make myself as comfy as the chair will allow.

  Even though she’s probably driving and I shouldn’t text her, I type up a quick message asking her where she’s at and not to respond while driving. It’s a Saturday and I should be relaxing, but instead I check my work emails so I’m able to stay on top of any issues that arise before Monday.

  I’m so busy on my phone, I don’t hear Molly walk up and sit down. “It’s about damn time, Miss Punctual,” I say while responding to one of our customers.

  “Do you always work on your days off?”

  My entire body freezes. That voice. I know that voice. And it’s not Molly’s.

  I’m scared to look up. There’s no fucking way. Molly has played the biggest prank on me of all time.

  Still not looking up, I take a deep breath and my heart drops to my feet. “Please tell me this isn’t your idea of a sick joke?” I ask, feeling my lip curl.

  “It’s really me,” she says. Her voice shakes. She’s nervous. As she should be. “Blue, look at me.”

  Feeling as if my head is floating like a giant balloon, my eyes drift up, and Phoebe is standing on the other side of the table looking more beautiful than she ever has before.

  My hair flops down in my eyes, and I run my fingers through it to push it back. Her blond hair is longer, resting right above her shoulders. I’m pretty sure it’s real. Her blue eyes shine as bright as the ocean flowing behind her. And that smile…that fucking killer smile gets me every damn time…but not this time. Who does she think she is waltzing in here as if I’m supposed to pretend nothing ever happened?

  “You really have some fucking nerve to show up here after all this time.” I don’t realize how hard I’m clenching my jaw until the muscles start to ache.

  She nods. “I know you’re mad at me and you have every right to, but I was in a bad place, Blue.” Tears form in the corners of her eyes, and as pissed as I am at her, it pains me to see her hurting. “Please just let me explain everything to you. If you still never want to see me or talk to me again, I’ll understand. I’ll step away and never bother you again.” She blinks and a single tear from each eye races down her soft cheeks.

  I huff. I don’t want to give her a chance, but I think back to when I barged in on her hoping she would hear me out and forgive me. I guess it’s only fair I do the same.

  “Is Molly behind all of this?” I ask.

  She nods. “Sort of, but please don’t be mad at her for lying. This is all my doing. I asked her to lure you here. I went to your apartment. Imagine my surprise when I knocked on the door and a tall, skinny guy with long, dark brown hair and hazel eyes answered,” she says, chuckling, which quickly fades when she notices I don’t find it funny. “Thad said you moved out and got a place closer to your new job,” she says, sounding like she needs confirmation.

  “I did,” I say, nodding. “Since my bike was my only transportation at first, it seemed the most logical thing to do. But I have a car now. I still have my bike, of course, but the car was a necessity since I have to meet with contractors at different sites.”

  She finally sits down in the chair across from me. “So, are you liking your job? I know you had a strained relationship with your dad. Has that gotten any better?”

  “Nope. He’s still the same miserable bastard.” I pause. “But I do
like my job. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. I do what’s expected of me and more, and stay as far away from my father as possible. He doesn’t say much to me, so I’m assuming he’s satisfied with my performance.” I shrug one shoulder because I couldn’t really care less what he thinks. As long as our customers are happy, that’s all that matters to me.

  “I’m happy to hear things are going well for you.” She smiles but it doesn’t exactly reach her eyes. She’s drowning in guilt. Good.

  “They could be better, they could be worse,” I add. I want her to feel guilty, but I also want her to know I’m still living my life without her.

  Wanting to take the attention off me and focus more on her, I take my turn finding out all the details I’ve wanted to know for the past six months. “So how have you been?”

  “Good…busy,” she says, her eyes expressing more than what she’s telling.

  “The lungs?”

  “Perfect thanks to you. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Her father must’ve told her about my small contribution. Despite the outcome, I’d still do it all over again.

  Shrugging my shoulders, I try not to make a big deal about it. “There wasn’t anything to tell. It was something I wanted to do for you when I felt helpless in every other way. Let’s not make a fuss over it, please.”

  She nods and blinks as if to fan off tears then suddenly pops her head up. “I never knew something as simple as breathing could be so exhilarating. There are no words to describe how wonderful it’s been to not worry about whether or not I’ll make it another year alive.” Her tone becomes solemn.

  “Blue, ever since my surgery, I had to go through hell to get where I need to be. After you left, I fell hard. Not physically, mentally. The way I pushed you away was wrong. At the time I thought it was best, but after I climbed out of my deep dark hole, I knew it was the biggest mistake of my life. The guilt for living when that sweet couple’s son died hit me so hard I wanted to die myself. It took me a long time to realize not all of him was gone. He still lives within me,” she says with such passion as her hands lie over her chest. “After the realization of you being gone hit me, I sunk deeper into my depression. With the weight of guilt from what I’d done to you and what I thought I did to Wesley, I barely made it through my stay at the hospital. What should’ve been a three-week stay turned into six weeks. And with my body run down due to lack of sleeping and eating, rehabilitation took longer than normal.”

  She sighs, and I’m speechless and a little perturbed. Molly never told me any of this. If she knew and didn’t tell me, I’ll kick her ass.

  “Did Molly know?”

  She shakes her head. “No. I was afraid she’d tell you and I didn’t want to make things worse.” Her eyes drop from my stare as if she’s ashamed.

  When she looks up, tears pool in her eyes, threatening to spill. “Blue, I’m so sorry. I’ve wanted to apologize to you a million times, but I was so afraid you’d hate me. I’ve always been tough as nails and for me to lose my sanity and crumble to pieces…it was all too much. I was so embarrassed.” The moisture in her eyes runs down her cheeks in constant streams.

  Her voice breaks and shatters as she cries through her words. “I know it’s not fair of me to do this to you, but I can’t continue on without telling you how I feel.” She repeatedly swipes the tears streaming from her eyes. “Blue, I love you,” she blurts out. “I’m so sorry for hurting you. You don’t have to forgive me, and I understand if you hate me, but please know what I say is the truth.” Sobs wrack her body as she uncontrollably cries into the palm of her hands.

  She loves me.

  Those three words play on repeat in my head. I should go to her and hold her, but I can’t move. My muscles are paralyzed. She’s rendered me motionless.

  My strong, beautiful girl has finally shown me her vulnerable side, and I love her even more for it. All along I’d known I loved her, but not until now, not until she tells me how she truly feels did I know what I’d been feeling was right. Sliding my chair back, not caring it tips back, I go to Phoebe, squat down, and take her small frame in my arms.

  She pulls her hands away from her face and wraps her arms around me, holding on for dear life. “I really do love you, Blue,” she cries. With one hand holding her head close to my chest, I rub her back in soothing circles with the other. “Can you ever forgive me?”

  “Yes. You forgave me. How could I not forgive you?” Tilting her chin up, I tell her to look at me.

  She stares at me with glassy eyes.

  “I love you. I’ve loved you for a while. I just didn’t know if what I was feeling was right or not.”

  We stand together as one while the hustle and bustle of a sunny, Saturday afternoon continues on around us as if we don’t exist.

  Phoebe buries her face into my chest, and she stays that way until her cries turn into the snubs and her tears no longer fall. My finger curls under her chin, and I lift her face so she’s looking up at me.

  “There’s one thing you need to know. I could never hate you. It’s impossible. My love for you is stronger now than it’s ever been before.”

  Her lips part to talk but only a squeak comes out. Her chin quivers, and she clasps her lips together. She nods instead.

  “I didn’t understand what was going on, and I was never angry at you, just hurt. It was never for me to judge because I’ve never been in your shoes. Of course, I would’ve been there for you, but if I had, it might’ve destroyed us.” I pause and rub my thumb over her puffy lip. “Phoebe, you’re a wonderful and caring person, and I know you would never intentionally hurt me.” Lowering my head, I kiss her soft lips, remembering how tender they feel against my own. She presses against me as her tongue edges out, asking for me to invite her in. My mouth opens and not only do I relish the way she tastes, I sear it into my brain so that I never forget.

  Tilting my head to the side, I deepen our kiss, and she mewls in my mouth. Her fingers dig into the muscles in my back, and I love the way she holds on to me as if she never wants to let me go again.

  “I love you, Phoebe,” I whisper over her lips as I break the kiss. “No matter what, don’t ever forget that.” Her blazing blue eyes lock with mine, and it’s like the beauty of the sky and the wild beast of the ocean have finally found their place with one another.

  “Ditto,” she whispers back.

  I kiss her easy on the lips one more time. My hand seeks hers, and I lace our fingers as one. “Will you walk on the beach with me?” I ask. I don’t know how long she’s here for and I want to spend every second with her at my favorite place in the world.

  She nods. “Yes.”

  We take our shoes off and hide them behind Raul’s Taco Stand. The sand is cool on our feet even though the sun’s warmth tingles our skin.

  While we walk hand in hand close to the water, Phoebe stops, tugging me back with her. “I have something to tell you.”

  My heart immediately sinks into the deep, dark pits of my gut as I anticipate the worst.

  “I have a new job.”

  Relief washes over me. “That’s great news, Pheebs! I’m so excited for you! When do you start?”

  “Monday, but that’s not all.”

  Oh shit. Here we go…

  “The job is here. I’m moving to Panama City Beach. I came here for you. So we can be together, Blue.” Tears shine in the corners of her eyes, and I know they are tears of joy. “I wanted to call and tell you so many times, but I didn’t know how angry you were with me. Molly told me a million times you loved me, but I had doubts. Plus, I didn’t want to give you false hopes if I didn’t get the job.”

  “And what if I didn’t take you back? What would you have done?”

  “I think I would still stay here and bust my ass until I won you back.” Her smile forms tiny wrinkles in the corner of her eyes. “Plus, Tiffanny and Kristy demanded I not show my face in Pennsylvania unless I had you attached to my hip,” she adds.

  “So sure of
yourself, I see.” My arms wrap around her petite waist, and I pick her up and swing her around.

  She squeals and laughs until we’re both dizzy.

  “You’ve literally made me the happiest man alive. You’re truly a dream come true, Phoebe. I love you more than you’ll ever know.”

  One year later

  My father died from a massive stroke on a dreary Monday morning.

  Outer appearance tells thousands of lies. In the end, it’s what you carry inside that matters most. It’s really sad my father never understood the importance of that little fact. While he worked so hard to make himself look the best to those around him he deemed important, he failed miserably to nourish what lies beneath.

  ‘A young soul gone too soon’ is what the local paper said about him. Little did they know his soul was far from being young. His soul was cold and black for most of his life, and I could never figure out what caused him to be that way.

  We never did work through our troubles, and he never told me he loved me or was proud of me. But somewhere along the way, I must’ve done something right in his eyes, because after his death, I nearly suffered from a heart attack when the will was read and I was given all rights to the company. He could’ve easily turned it over to Molly, but for some strange reason I’ll never understand, he left it in my hands. He trusted me.

  It’s a good feeling. No, it’s an amazing feeling. Although he never told me verbally, I know he was proud of me.

  After my father’s death, my relationship with my mother grew stronger. Everything about her changed. She’s never said it, but I think she feels as if she can be whoever she wants without a critical eye watching her. She took early retirement from the company, but she still comes in occasionally to bring me lunch or just to visit with some of the employees. She’s finally become the mother I always wished for.