I swear he’s going to be the death of me. Or something.
“Stop for a second.”
His voice is soft, still, and soothing. I try and read his eyes, trying to look for something resembling anger or annoyance. I need to make sure he’s not upset with me. He certainly doesn’t sound upset with me, and I know Robert’s not the type to play games or hold grudges.
I can’t help but obey him. When I realize that by ceasing my talking, I have left my mouth open, I immediately snap it shut. His lips curl into an amused grin that crinkles his eyes and that sparkle I love – there it is! Back in his eyes. Where it should be.
“I need to tell you something.”
Oh my gosh, he’s going to fire me, isn’t he? I mean, he’s going to tell me that he told Jewel how he feels about her, and she probably told him about our little encounter last night and in order to defend her honor, he’s going to fire me. Which makes sense on a purely financial level too because even though Robert is quite well-off, he really doesn’t need two assistants, and even though I have seniority, he’s not in love with me and –
“Okay…” My voice is breathy because I’m trying to control my breathing. Hopefully this time with Robert won’t have me in tears.
He inhales, and now it’s he who’s trying to read my eyes. I know what he’s doing; he’s trying to gauge my reaction of what he’s about to say. I breathe in, silently preparing myself for whatever it is.
“James Morris and Kim Harden are engaged,” he says and then continues on before I can let his initial statement sink in. His hands are still on my shoulders and he gently squeezes them, a reassuring gesture. “They have been for quite a while. Harold and Linda just found out and when they did, they told me. I’ve been up all night trying to figure out how to tell you because I know how you feel about him…” He lets his voice trail off, but all I can think about is what he just said.
“Wait, what?” I ask, tilting my head to the side. “Me? Like James? Robert, why would I try to set Jewel up with James if I like him?”
“I don’t even want to attempt a rationalization about half the things you do when it comes to love and setting people up, or anything relating to that,” he tells me. There’s a brief pause before he looks at me again. This time, his hands are holding me but I can see that his arms are tense. “So you don’t like him? Or love him? Or anything in the same ballpark?”
I furrow my brow as I shake my head. “No,” I say. “I mean, when he first came here and then left, I thought that maybe I did. But I realized I barely thought of the guy and didn’t even miss him when he was gone. Which is why I thought it would be great to hook him up with Jewel. Because even though I wasn’t personally attracted to him or had any feelings for him, he’s a good guy and Jewel deserves a good guy.”
“She does,” Robert says, agreeing by nodding his head once.
I step out of his embrace and quickly ask, “So, James and Kim, eh? But why didn’t anybody know?”
“Well, apparently ol’ Gram-Gram didn’t approve of Kim and so they kept their engagement under wraps,” he explains. “Nobody knew about it. Not his parents or her parents, not their friends. I think that’s one of the reasons why he got close to you, Maddy. He wanted to throw suspicion off of him and Kim.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“You really don’t realize,” he begins, but then stops himself with a smile. “James, while visiting his father, is going to encounter two beautiful women; you and Kim. It would be odd for a sophisticated bachelor from New York to not clock in some time with at least one of those beautiful women unless he wanted people to think he was gay. Since he didn’t want people to know he was with Kim, his only other option was you, which means…”
“Which means he used me,” I finish. I am suddenly appalled by James’s selfish behavior and can’t believe I was going to set him up with Jewel – beautiful, lovely Jewel! – when he totally doesn’t deserve her. “Robert, I could have fallen in love with him! Do you realize that?”
“Of course I realize that,” he snaps. The tone surprises me and apparently, it surprises him too, judging by the look on his face. He shakes his head and then takes a step towards me. “I’ve been telling you over and over again that the guy is a tool, Maddy. And now he’s engaged to your arch nemesis, Kim Harden.”
“Kim is not my arch nemesis, by the way,” I say, flipping my hair over my shoulder.
“Work isn’t going to turn into some ridiculous telenovela, is it? Because my Spanish is a little rusty, and as much I am all for catfights, I really don’t want to have to pay for the damage, and knowing how especially scrappy you are, I would say the company would be in line for major damage.” He begins to caress his chin, deep in thought. “Actually, I changed my mind. I think that particular fight would be worth it. Plus, it might boost company morale.”
I start to laugh, my entire body filled with warmth. And just like that, all the tension that had accumulated in my muscles, all the worry I’ve been storing in the back of my mind, everything just disappears. Because it’s like nothing ever happened, like Robert and I never got into a fight, like we never stopped talking for thirty-six hours. It’s normal, the way we always are, and just like that, I’m not mad at him anymore.
He cocks a grin at my laughter, genuinely happy at the sound of it, and then places his hand back on my shoulder before squeezing it slightly. “So you’re okay?” he asks.
I nod. “Absolutely,” I tell him. “I may not understand this entire concept of love even though I’ve watched The Notebook at least forty-six times, but I’ve heard that when you’re in love, you just know. And I know for a fact that I’m not, nor have I ever been, in love with James Morris. And after finding out that he’s into women like Kim Harden, I can assure you I will never fall in love with James Morris.”
“You can’t say never when it comes to love, kid,” he teases, letting his hand drop to his side. “But just so you know, that tool never deserved you.”
I don’t remember a time I’ve felt happier. I’m driving away from work after finalizing everything in relation to Robert’s trip, and yet despite the hard work that I’ve had to do by myself, I feel this weird elation take control of my senses.
Robert and I are cool again, and we didn’t even need to apologize about it. I mean, I realize where Robert was coming from in regards to my assumed knowledge of love and the like. Which is why I said what I said about not knowing about love in the first place. So maybe that was sort of my apology. And Robert’s was that he cared enough about my feelings to overcome his pride in order to tell me about James.
Speaking of James, I cannot believe that guy. Although, to be honest, I’m not as upset as I should be. I mean, the guy basically used me in order to keep his little engagement with Kim under wraps. If I had fallen for him, I’d be pretty heartbroken right now, and not only that, but I’d feel betrayed to find that not only is he engaged, but he’s engaged to Kim. Kim! He could do so much better than Kim Harden!
Like Jewel!
Okay, I know Jewel and I are kind of on the outs right now, but even I know that she has more personality in her left incisor than Kim Harden has in her entire body. Jewel is beautiful and intelligent and sweet, and in a way, I’m glad she doesn’t like James because then she’d be heartbroken even more than with Ethan because James is a pretty decent guy and James would have been great to help her get over Ethan.
Except apparently that happened not because of James but because of Robert.
When this particular thought flits through my mind, I can’t help but scowl. Listen, I love Jewel and I think she’d make any guy feel like the luckiest guy in the world. But really? Robert?
Okay, Robert is definitely handsome. I know this, and there’s no way I could ever deny it because I’d be lying. I’d like to think that I’m immune to his obvious beauty, and I’ve managed to squash it due to the fact that I’m around him constantly, but every time I see him for the first time on any day, my breat
h hitches in my throat, and for the next moment, I can’t help but take him in. Though I’m sure that happens to every single woman and gay – maybe even some straight – man.
He’s charming too, which is why he has the reputation he has. He loves women, though; it’s not just sex with him. He makes it his job to make whatever woman he’s with feel beautiful for however long that is. I only know this because I see the way women look at him, and sure, they get pissed at his less than debonair way of dropping them, but they can’t ever say he didn’t treat them well.
Though, okay, Robert’s kind of an alcoholic and he gets really moody, especially around New Year’s. And the crazy thing is that I know Robert tries – tries –not to over-drink, and as of late, I haven’t seen him drunk. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen him drunk since New Year’s. But that’s not the point.
Robert has flaws. He’s afraid of commitment, and has trouble with self-control, and isn’t the happy-go-lucky guy that the media portrays him to be. And while Jewel is warm and accepting, I don’t think she realizes that. And no offense to her, but Robert deserves someone who does. Who loves him for everything he is and everything he’s not, and would never try to change him for anything. Who, if he lost his fortune the next day – all of it, gone – would still love him.
Whoever this woman he loves is, she better know how amazing he is. She better know how lucky she is that, of all the women in the entire world, he chose her. And maybe you can’t exactly choose who you fall in love with, but the fact that he let his guard down just enough that he ended up falling for her… Well, that’s something else.
Okay, why are my eyes tearing up?
And if that woman happens to be Jewel, then…
Seriously, am I crying?
I just want Robert to be happy, okay? And even if my complete take on what Robert needs is off, then that’s fine. I know I don’t know much about romance, but I do know Robert. Like the back of my hand.
And Robert needs someone who can understand him and love him and realize what a catch he is behind all of the superficial qualities he is. He needs someone who adores his unruly hair, who can’t help but feel paralyzed when those warm brown eyes fall on her, who gets goosebumps whenever he touches her. Whether it’s accidental or on purpose, it doesn’t matter because the effect is still the same.
Robert needs someone who loves him for him. Robert needs someone like me.
Because I love him more than I realize I could love anyone or anything.
… oh my God, am I in love with Robert Swift?
Chapter 22
The problem with loving someone like Robert Swift is that now, I have no idea how to act around him. I mean, Robert has known me for three years, and as much as I tease him about how much I know about him and how he couldn’t survive without me due to my knowledge about him, I know he knows nearly just as much about me. Which means if I act different in any way – even if it’s as simple as a look or a silly smile – he’ll know something’s up. And then what am I supposed to tell him?
“Oh hey, Robert, don’t forget about that meeting, and did I mention that I happen to be crazy in love with you and just realized it last night on my way home?”
And yes, I really am in love with the guy. I’ve gone back and forth, over and over it again, questioning it and rationalizing it, but the thing is, I’m in love. It’s as simple as that. It doesn’t matter that Robert is the last person any girl would want to fall in love with because he can’t commit to anything. It doesn’t matter that Robert is my boss. It doesn’t matter that Robert has had flings with women who are way more beautiful than I am. That didn’t stop me from loving Robert, and it’s not going to make me fall out of love with him anytime soon. But because he’s my boss and because he’s in love with someone else, I can’t act on my feelings for him.
Which is perfectly fine because I’m not sure if I would have acted on them if those things either weren’t there or didn’t matter. Now I just need to figure out how to act around Robert because if he finds out, then our relationship would go from tight and trusting to practically nonexistent in mere nanoseconds.
Currently, I’m sitting in the back of Robert’s car next to the object of my affection and frustration. Sam is driving us to LAX and I’m wishing that the car would either hurry the heck up or slow the heck down. I want the 405 freeway to be completely void of traffic and I want it to be a parking lot.
I really don’t know what I want anymore.
Despite my conscious decision to not act on my feelings, I cannot deny that I may have spent a little more time in front of the mirror this morning to ensure that my physical appearance is up to my standards. I know I’ve probably set women’s lib back thirty years and whatever, but I’m sorry, just because I’m not going to say anything to him doesn’t mean I can’t make sure I look good in front of him.
Or at least as good as I can, while still maintaining the essence of professionalism in my attire.
I wonder what she looks like, this mystery woman that Robert’s so in love with. She probably didn’t have to wake up twenty minutes earlier to make sure that she looked more than just decent this morning. In fact, she’s probably effortlessly flawless with a clear face, sparkly eyes, and full, bee-stung lips.
Bitch.
Okay, that isn’t fair and it’s totally a derogative term.
As masochistic as this sounds, I wish Robert would give me some sort of hint at who it is. Because what if it is Jewel? You have no idea how long I stayed up going over everything she said about how Robert could totally fall in love with her and I realized that as far-fetched as it sounds, it’s not totally impossible because Jewel is pretty and sweet and Robert, who absolutely hates dancing, did ask Jewel to dance at the Valentine Ball and –
“Are you okay?” Robert asks me after leaning into me so our shoulders are brushing.
I can’t really think right now due to the fact that we are, in fact, touching, despite the fact that no skin on skin contact is being made.
“You seem quieter than normal,” he continues. I blink and finally look him in the eyes. “Shouldn’t you be going over something with me, like an itinerary? Maybe reassure me that the plane is not going to crash while we’re thirty-thousand feet in the air, like my psychosis is telling me it will. That I don’t need to be in control of everything. That even though I know a nice scotch on the rocks will soothe my nerves, I probably shouldn’t drink one unless I want to end up with two stewardesses in the really uncomfortable bathroom stall and reinstate my membership to the Mile High Club?”
I know Robert is trying to make me smile so I allow my lips to curl up. It’s too bad that the smile doesn’t exactly reach my eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I say, shaking my head and glancing down at the papers I have in my lap that, surprisingly enough, I haven’t even flipped through since first stepping into the car. “I have a lot on my mind.”
Like how I know I’m going to miss him when he goes even though he’ll be back in a few days, and at the same time, how relieved I will be once he is gone so I can try to allow this new sense of awareness settle over me. Hopefully by the time he does come back, I’ll have a better grasp of this whole love thing, and it’ll be easier to hide.
“You know,” Robert drawls, tilting his head down and in my direction. “You could always come with me.”
I give him a dry smile. This one, unlike my previous attempt, is actually real.
“Really?” I ask. “And who would manage everything here while you’re gone?”
“Well, I’m sure Jewel could do it,” he tells me. “She’s been here for several months now and I’m sure she could handle managing my life here while I’m gone. And when was the last time you took a vacation? I know you’ve wanted to go to Australia for a while.”
As much as I have to agree with Robert that Jewel would probably be capable of handling Robert’s affairs, I really am not in the mood to hear him mention her name and praise her. Okay, so I sound jealous, an
d I probably am. But still. I need to get used to the fact that I’m in love with Robert and that he’s in love with someone else, quite possibly Jewel.
Maybe time apart will make this easier. Or so I’m hoping.
“Jewel still has one more day of paid leave,” I point out in a voice that I hope doesn’t sound too controlled. “So that leaves me to run your empire while you’re away.”
“Well, I’m glad it’s you then,” he says and then glances out the window.
For a moment, the two of us are silent. It’s nice because in this instant, I can pretend that there’s no drama, and that my love story will unfold like a Disney movie.
“Now that you know James is engaged to Kim,” Robert says, interrupting the silence and my daydream, “how are you going to rework your game?”
“Love isn’t a game,” I say, so quickly that I don’t realize my voice has come out sort of snappish.
My statement seems to surprise Robert and instead of saying anything, he looks at me with his brown eyes – this time with a skeptical glint in them – trying to read my face, trying to decide whether or not I’m okay.
“What I mean is,” I force myself to continue, my voice slow, “that I’ve taken a lot of what you said into consideration. And you’re right. It was selfish of me to try and set two people up when I barely know anything about love in the first place. But I’m learning.”
At that moment, Sam pulls up to the terminal and I’m spared having to explain what I mean by my cryptic statements. Which is lucky for me because from the look on Robert’s face, I know he’s yearning to figure out what I mean by learning about love, and there’s no way I’m telling him how I’m educating myself.
“Anyway,” I say, my voice easy and breezy as Cover Girl, “here is your itinerary. I’m sure you know how to read, and instead of indulging in your usual five scotches on the rocks and getting busted for indecent exposure again, you can read it and memorize it. I’m sure it’ll take your mind off of the fact that you’ll be on a plane.”
Four Sides of a Triangle: An Austen & Cufflinks Novel (The Austen & Cufflinks Series Book 1) Page 20
