Come to Me Quietly (Closer to You)

by Jackson, A. L.

  I never understood why sounds became more distinct at night, why I could hear the churn of an engine from miles away, the rustle of birds as they settled in the trees, the echo of an argument happening behind closed doors down the street. It all penetrated and seeped, bled into my consciousness as if each sound belonged to me. What some would consider peaceful felt entirely overwhelming. Tonight, those old cravings hit me hard, the intense desire for complete numbness, a moment’s reprieve. I just wished that for one goddamned night I could block it all out. I drained the rest of the bottle. My head spun, and I squeezed my eyes shut tight.

  But I could never outrun it. Could never drown it.

  I would never forget.

  My hand tightened on the neck of the bottle, and I staggered to my feet. I roared as I chucked the bottle across the lot. It shattered. Glass burst and pinged as it scattered across the ground. The sound stoked the memories, and all I could hear was glass breaking as it rained down all around me.

  I spun and my fist connected with the building. Skin tore from my knuckles as it met the jagged, pitted wall. The tissue whitened and blanched before blood seeped to the surface. I welcomed the frenzy it created inside me.

  I slammed my fists into the wall again and again and again until I was panting and the blood dripped free, wept from my skin in the way it should have instead of hers. Rage curled in my chest and erupted from my mouth.

  It should have been me.

  It should have been me.

  Exhausted, I dropped my forehead, pressed my palms to the wall as I gulped for air. Heat rushed down my throat and expanded like fire in my lungs. My head rocked and my body shook as the aggression finally spiked, broke, and the effects of the alcohol brought me to my knees.

  “Fuck,” I groaned, slumping onto my stomach with my cheek pressed into the hard ground.

  I never should have come here. It was all too much, this place that echoed my past and thrummed with familiarity. I refused to take comfort in it. Most of all, I fought against the desire to stay.

  SIX

  Aleena

  I drove toward the old neighborhood. I had an hour before I had to be at work, and after Jared left this morning, I had an urge to go home. It wasn’t as if I never visited or spent long spans of time without seeing my parents and my younger brother, Augustyn. I saw them often. But right now I felt the need to be back in the old neighborhood where I’d spent so much time with Jared when we were young.

  I turned left onto the street where I’d grown up. It was an older neighborhood with a lot of families. I smiled, thinking of how quiet it always had been unless Christopher and Jared had been causing some kind of upheaval in the middle of the street.

  Pulling into the driveway, I parked in front of the closed garage that fronted the modest house. Mature trees grew tall in the front yard. My mom, Karen, had planted them when Christopher was just a baby to remind her of her home in Idaho. Mom had met Dad when she was just nineteen, married him when she was twenty, and was expecting Christopher by the time she was twenty-one. She said she never thought twice about leaving her home behind to be with Dad, but that didn’t mean she didn’t miss it.

  They bought this house when Christopher was nine months old. They met Helene, Jared’s mother, the first day they moved in. Mom said she’d never forget the blue eyes on the six-month-old baby Helene had held on her hip when she rang the doorbell to welcome them to the neighborhood. Mom and Helene had latched on to each other, those kinds of fast friends who felt as if they’d known each other their whole lives, and all of us kids had literally grown up together.

  I trailed up the sidewalk and rang the doorbell once before I let myself in. The door creaked open. “Mom?” I called.

  “Aly?”

  I followed her voice, stepping into the foyer and through the living room. I walked through the arch leading into the kitchen just as she yelled, “I’m in the kitchen.” Her attention was all wrapped up in the cookie dough she was spooning in small mounds onto a cookie sheet.

  I slinked up behind her and poked her in the side.

  She jumped and I laughed when she spun around. “Oh God, Aly. Do you have to do that every time?”

  “Um, yes, because you fall for it every time.”

  I think I startled her nine times out of ten, even after I gave her a warning I was there. She was such a jumpy thing.

  She laughed and pulled me into a hug. “This is a nice surprise. I wasn’t expecting to see you today.”

  I shrugged. “I had a little extra time, so I thought I’d stop by before my shift starts.”

  She turned away to slide the cookie sheet into the oven and punched a few buttons to set the timer. I leaned back against the counter. She turned back with a gentle smile. “Well, that was really nice of you to take the time to come all the way over here. I’ve been thinking we need to have a mother-daughter shopping day. Maybe grab some lunch?”

  Mom and I didn’t resemble each other all that much. Christopher and I both took after our father – all except for the height that we’d inherited from Mom, who was just two inches shorter than my dad. She’d been a knockout when she was younger, and the years had been good to her. She’d always dyed her hair every color you could imagine and was the first to try a new product or new look. My shopping partner in crime, she knew every fashion that was coming before it hit. She also knew when to save something because it was going to come back around again. And I loved her with all my heart.

  “Yeah, I’d like a shopping day.” Then I frowned as I finally focused on the mess that had exploded in the kitchen. “And you’re baking? Why?”

  She rolled her warm brown eyes, although it was as good-natured as an eye roll could get. “Ugh… Aug’s football team is having a bake sale, and he signed me up for ten dozen cookies.” She kind of smiled and inclined her head in the direction of the hall. “They already started tryouts for his senior year… Looks like he has a pretty good chance at making first-string quarterback this year.”

  “Is he home?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m going to say hi really quick.”

  “Sure.”

  I pushed off the counter and headed down the hall. I knocked at his door.

  “Come in.”

  I cracked the door open just as Aug sat up in his bed. He pulled the headphones from his ears and tossed his magazine aside. “Aly, hey.” He was all smiles and dimples. Of us all, he favored our mother most. “What are you doing here?”

  “Just was missing you and thought I’d stop by to say hi.”

  He pushed his large frame to standing, his dark brown hair falling over his eyes. His hug was warm, and I buried my face in his chest. “It’s good to see you,” he said.

  “Well, if you weren’t practicing all the time, maybe you’d have time for your big sister.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” He pulled back with a grin. “So, what’s going on? Anything new and exciting in the world of Aly and Christopher?”

  I hesitated for only a second before I said, “Nah. Just working and hanging out with Megan a bit.”

  Aug’s brow rose just as high as his interest. “Megan, huh?”

  I slugged him in the shoulder. “You’re so gross, Aug. I already told you, Megan is totally off-limits.”

  He laughed as he turned away and flopped back down on his bed. “Well, that’s a shame because I’m bored with all the girls I know.”

  “You think because you’ve run through all the girls at school I’m going to set my best friend up with my little brother? Did you hit your head during practice?”

  He turned so he could see me, his eyes playful. “What? She’s hot.”

  I picked a football up off the floor and chucked it at him. “Gross,” I mouthed as I ducked out the door. He was laughing when I shut it.

  I paused when the latch clicked, standing out in the silent hall, my hand still gripping Aug’s knob as my nerves escalated. I glanced down the hall toward the kitchen. A whisk clanking against a me
tal bowl assured me Mom’s attention was occupied. Why I felt as if I was on some sort of secret mission, I didn’t know. But I did. I slipped inside my old room, quietly shutting the door behind me.

  Mom had left it mostly the same, except for the stack of boxes she had stashed up against one wall. A dark paisley bedspread covered the daybed that was tucked up under the window, and my walls were tacked with pictures of my friends from high school, my tickets from the prom, and little keepsakes I thought I’d always cherish. Funnily enough, I didn’t cherish them enough to drag them to my new apartment.

  I ran my fingers along them, thinking of those years when Jared had been away. So much of my time had been spent in here alone, imagining the day he would walk back into my life.

  I bit my lip, remembering the bitterness that had lined his face this morning. Turned out his return was something I couldn’t fathom, something like thunder and chaos.

  I climbed down onto my knees and dug my arm deep between the mattress and the box spring of my bed. My fingertips grazed the book, and I maneuvered my hand around to pull it free. Sinking onto my butt, I rested my back against the bed. It took me a couple of seconds to get the courage to open it. My grandmother had given it to me when I was young, right before she passed. She’d told me to save it for something that meant the most to my heart. The old hardbound pad creaked when I lifted the cover.

  His face was on every page. All except for what I’d drawn that night.

  I traced my fingers along the lines, studying what I had seen then. Though the years had hardened him, his eyes were not so different now than they’d been during those days.

  Sighing, I tucked the book into my bag and walked back out to the kitchen. I came up behind my mom and wrapped my arms around her waist. “Love you, Mom.”

  Her expression was tender when she glanced at me over her shoulder. “Love you, Aly.” Then she frowned. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah.” I shook my head as I twisted up my mouth. “I’ve just been tired.”

  She nodded, but it was more in appraisal than real acceptance. I could tell she didn’t believe what I’d said. Mom knew me well enough to see when I was lying. “You know I’m here, whenever you need me.”

  “I know, Mom.” I squeezed her again before I stepped away. “I’ve got to run.”

  She blew out a breath of disappointment. “Fine, then, leave your old mom here all alone with your stinky brother.”

  I laughed because Mom never seemed old.

  I opened the door. Mom’s voice called after me, “And let me know when you’re off from work next so we can go shopping.”

  “I will,” I promised before I shut the door behind me.

  The sun stood proud at the center of the sky, its heat soaking me through in a matter of seconds. I walked back toward my car, but I passed it by. My attention drifted two houses away and across the street to the one that had been Jared’s.

  Making a quick decision, I turned and strode down the sidewalk, to its end where the rickety fence still stood. I’d be late for work, but today, they were just going to have to wait. Sweat pebbled up on the nape of my neck, and I pulled in a breath as I ducked down and wedged myself through the small hole in the fence that had once seemed like the center of my universe. Wood splinters tugged at my shirt, and I twisted so I could fit through.

  On the other side, I straightened as a slow chill crept up my spine. Weeds grew high across the vast expanse of the vacant lot. In the distance, a fence rose to enclose another neighborhood to the south of ours, but in between were six acres of uninhabited land where we’d spent so many hours as children. The trails our play had tracked were no longer visible. The trees that had once housed our fairy tales now seemed out of place, tall and full in the backdrop of this barren desert. Stickers pricked at my legs as I trudged across to our tree. I hadn’t been out here in so many years.

  I stood beneath the rotting wood, the small pieces of two-by-four that had been nailed to the trunk still offering their escape. I found my footing on the lowest one and gripped a branch as I hoisted myself up. Tentatively I took the next step, and the lower level of our fort came into view.

  I yelped when the third step gave, but I managed to hold myself up on a solid branch, pulling myself up the rest of the way.

  I settled onto the stretch of plywood that we had so carefully hammered into the safety of the tree. This little fort had seemed so massive when we’d built it. I drew my knees to my chest and rested my head back against one of the large branches that grew up from where the trunk had segmented into four.

  And I closed my eyes.

  SEVEN

  Summer 1999

  Aly dragged the heavy piece of wood as best she could. Jared called it plywood, and it was her job to get it from the fence to the tree. Earlier her dad had said they could use whatever they wanted as long as they didn’t make a mess and they brought his tools back.

  “And watch your little sister, Christopher,” he’d said as he and their mom left to run some errands.

  Aly turned around, walking backward as she struggled with the flat piece of wood. It was so big she could barely wrap her hands around it. It dug into her palms. She wanted to cry because it hurt, but she wasn’t a baby anymore. She was seven and she knew she needed to act like it. She tugged it harder, and it scraped along the ground. She huffed out a proud breath when she dropped it at the base of the trunk. “All done,” she said as she dusted off her hands.

  “About time,” Christopher yelled from somewhere up in the tree, the sharp strike of a hammer echoing in her ears.

  She jumped back when Jared suddenly dropped from the tree, landing on his feet.

  “Good job, Aly Cat.” He leaned down and hefted the plywood over his head, balancing it on one shoulder as he climbed back up the tree. “This is going to be the coolest fort in history,” she heard him say.

  “Can I be in the club, too?” she called as she attempted to climb up the same way Jared had gone.

  “No,” Christopher immediately retorted, while Jared said, “Depends. You gotta pass the initiation first.”

  Her stomach hurt a little. She didn’t think she’d be good enough.

  She climbed up toward the sounds happening above her, the ground slowly disappearing below. She wrapped her hand around a branch and pulled. It snapped and her foot slipped. She screamed as she fell.

  She hit the ground hard. She struggled to find her breath, but it was gone. Her heart hurt and it made her head hurt and she tried to scream again. Finally something gave and she wheezed air into her lungs. She slowly sat up, her attention going to the pain in her elbow. Blood oozed from a big cut. It hurt so bad, and she squeezed her eyes shut because she didn’t want to cry.

  “Aly, are you okay?” Jared’s voice was frantic as he shook her shoulders.

  She slowly opened her eyes to find Christopher gaping at her from behind Jared, his eyes wide with fear. Jared shook her again. “You okay?”

  “My arm.” She couldn’t keep herself from crying any longer. Tears fell in hot streaks down her dirty face.

  Jared looked down and then squeezed his own eyes. “Christopher, she’s bleeding really bad.”

  “Oh man, oh man, I told you we shouldn’t bring her. Now we’re gonna get in trouble.”

  Jared stayed focused on Aly. “Can you walk home?”

  Aly vehemently shook her head. Her whole body hurt.

  Jared scooped her up in his arms, kind of like he’d done with the wood, but a lot gentler. “Come on, Aly. Let’s get you fixed up.”

  She clung to him while he carried her home. He was breathing all funny and hard by the time he closed the toilet seat and set her down on it. He wet a washcloth under water and kneeled in front of her. It was cold when he pressed it to her arm. She jerked a little because it stung.

  “I hate blood,” he mumbled as he cleaned her arm.

  Christopher rummaged through the medicine cabinet. “Here.” He shoved a box of bandages at Jared.

/>   Jared carefully peeled back the wrapper and placed it on her cut.

  He let out a breath, then smiled up at her as he ruffled a hand through her hair. “All better?”

  She sniffled and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “All better.”

  EIGHT

  Aleena

  That night, I lay in bed, staring at the shadows as they climbed along my ceiling, listening to the peace outside my window. It was late. I’d gotten off work after eleven o’clock tonight, my pockets filled with tips from the busy evening. Apprehension had fluttered in my stomach when I returned to the apartment. The night had been still, the trees seeming frozen in time as I stepped from my car. Fear had clamored through my chest when I thought perhaps Jared had run, come back to the apartment in the middle of the day while I was gone and packed up his belongings, and turned his back on the things he didn’t want to face.