The Road to Finding Me

by S M Broad

  Chapter Four

  I’m crumpled on the shower floor, scalding hot water beating down on my battered skin, when I hear Leila open the front door with her key and then scream when she sees the remnants of blood in the kitchen.

  “Ay!” she yells, terror in her usually upbeat tone. “Where the hell are you?!”

  Her voice echoes through my brain, but I can’t muster a reply before she barrels into the bathroom, throwing open the curtain and dropping down next to the tub. Her blue eyes are wide with tears and her long, red hair lays in a haphazard braid down her back.

  “What happened?!” She searches my face for something, some kind of sign that I’m okay, but I’m far from it.

  “B-Brant,” I stutter before coughing, sniffling, then taking a deep breath to calm myself. “He attacked me, Lei. He almost…” I exhale but can’t finish my sentence.

  “That son of a bitch!" she yells, much too loud for my small bathroom.

  “He's dead.” I mutter bitterly.

  Her head jerks back at my confession, eyes blazing with questions.

  “What?” she asks, stunned.

  “He charged me. I stabbed him. He’s dead because of me,” I cry into the quiet air surrounding us.

  “Don’t you dare! It was self-defense!” She replies angrily.

  I look down at the floor, ashamed of myself.

  “We need to get you the hell out of here. Out of the shower, Ay. You’re coming to live with me,” she states, then gets up, striding from the room to pack my bags.

  The best part of having a best friend since fifth grade is the sync you feel with that person. She’s always had my back and knows what I need, even if I don’t know it for myself. I turn off the faucet and drag myself from the steam, just in time for Lei to meet me with a warm towel she must have put in the dryer to fluff for me. She sets a pair of panties and sports bra, a clean t-shirt, and my favorite yoga pants on the sink. God, I love her.

  Forty-five minutes later, with six suitcases packed into her navy Ford Fusion and my dad’s old yellow AMC Gremlin, and we’re heading to the door. I pause to take one last look around the apartment I once loved, absolutely disgusted, deciding to have it professionally cleaned and on the market first thing Monday morning. There’s no way I’ll be able to live in this place anymore and not think about this nightmare every single second. With a sigh, I close the door, get in my car, and follow Lei back to her place.

  Chapter Five

  It’s been a week since I’ve been at Leila’s. I haven’t left the house, for fear of people’s questions and strange looks, and I'm getting restless. Officers Westin, Holland, and Branch have been by to check on me and give me a little information about the case that was opened that night. When I asked why I hadn’t been arrested, they explained that the evidence had to be reviewed before they could make a decision. They said I’d have to appear in court when the judge had a ruling and would call me with that information.

  That was four days ago, and I feel like I’m about to lose my damn mind waiting. Lei’s been amazing though, and I can’t thank her enough. The Monday after everything happened, I called and quit my job at the diner. I couldn’t bear to face everyone and be questioned relentlessly about what happened to me. True to my choice, I also asked Lei to put my apartment up for sale because I couldn’t do it. She called her brother Kai to help, and had it cleaned and emptied for me. I already had everything important with me, so I told Kai to donate all my furniture. I didn’t mind buying all new stuff since I had the untouched life insurance money from my dad that I got when I turned eighteen. After another day alone in Leila’s place, watching Grey’s Anatomy reruns, trying to find a book to get lost in and Facebooking, I curl up in her bed after dinner while she’s out on a date. I lay there in the silence, trying to force my brain to quiet. It must work because before I know it, the sun is peeking in through the half-open curtains. I roll over to find Leila sound asleep on her back, her mouth hanging open and an arm draped over her eyes. A small laugh escapes my lips as I rub the sleep from my own eyes and flip the covers off to make my way to the coffeemaker.

  When the coffee is done percolating, I get The Little Mermaid mug that Leila’s had here for me since forever, and turn to the fridge for my coveted vanilla caramel flavored creamer. I’m sitting by the big, bay window, sipping my coffee and watching the clouds in the sky, when I hear a creak in the kitchen floorboard, the telltale sign of an awake Leila in search of coffee. I turn my head as she shuffles into the room with her bunny slipper clad feet and her “I’m Not Always A Bitch…Just Kidding, Go Fuck Yourself” mug clasped in both hands like the hot beverage is liquid gold. Her warm smile brings one of my own to my still sore and slightly bruised, but healing, face. I smirk at her grogginess and scoot over so she can join me.

  She sits down and taps my foot with hers.

  “How was your date?” I ask, but laugh when she pulls a disgusted face with her tongue sticking out.

  “Ugh! Talk about a douchehole, Ay. So not gonna happen. And he smelled like cheese.” She groans into her coffee, but then her eyes go soft as she checks out the yellowish bruise near my eye. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m okay,” I say, as I turn to stare out the window.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I see her raise an eyebrow, clearly not believing me, and I turn back to look at her.

  “I’ll be okay. I do want to thank you for letting me stay here. It means everything to me. You mean everything to me,” I garble through the sudden emotions flooding me.

  She looks at me with tears in her own eyes, then at the ceiling, trying to clear her mind. She shakes her head and jumps up, almost spilling her coffee.

  “Okay!” she exclaims as she sets her cup on a side table, shaking out her arms. “Enough of this sadness. We’re going out for the afternoon. Maybe some shopping, a pick-me-up latte, hitting up the grocery store for homemade pizza ingredients, and then movie night.”

  She smiles at me lovingly because she knows about Friday pizza nights with my dad. It’s exactly what I need, so we shower, get dressed, and after I apply a little extra makeup to cover the discolored patch on my eye, we lock up and hit the town. After shopping at our favorite corner boutique, Teenie's, a round of ‘Who’s Gonna Pay?’ at our frequented coffee shop, and a quick trip to the store for pizza fixings, we’re back the house. Too much green olive and bacon pizza later, we start movie night, heading into the living room to pick.

  “Mmmkay, we have Jurassic World or Pitch Perfect 2,” Lei says, kneeling in front of her huge bookcase full of movies.

  “Jurassic World is cool, or whatever you want.”

  She grabs the movie, puts it in the DVD player, and sits down next to me as it begins.

  Halfway through the movie, about the time Chris Pratt and his blue raptor are right alongside each other, we're enjoying some peanut butter M&M dessert pizza when I hear my cell phone ringing from my bag on the table. Lei grabs it for me on her way back from getting herself another glass of milk and hands it to me. It’s late and I don’t recognize the number, but I pause the movie and answer it anyway.

  “Hello?” I mumble around a mouthful of gooey deliciousness.

  “Miss Erics? This is Officer Branch.”

  “Oh. Hi.” I freeze and choke on my bite.

  Lei hands me her glass of milk and I take a drink to clear my throat.

  “I was just calling to inform you that we’ll need you in court Thursday morning at eight a.m. for the case ruling,” he says quickly.

  My gaze swings to Leila's worried face, as the floor drops out from underneath me.

  Chapter Six

  Leila takes the day off work Thursday to come to the courthouse with me. She can’t be in the room, but I’m secretly glad to have someone there when I face Laurel and Bryce on what is sure to be my last free day. I still don’t think anyone is gonna believe my story when there’s no other side to hear. We sit in the hallway outside the courtroom, the hands on the clock ticking down
my freedom. People mill around the hall, coming and going. Doors shut and open, and I start to bite my nails, fidgeting with my purse strap. Leila grabs my hand, holding it for comfort. I look around at all the different paintings on the wall, trying to keep my attention on anything but the clock.

  Thirty minutes later, I’m facing my future as I stand in front of Judge Harlow Gattina, with my hands clasped so tight together, they start sweating. I can see Brant’s parents huddled together, looking cool as a couple cucumbers, staring straight ahead. Why do they look so okay when their son is dead? Judge Gattina thumbs through a file and I take a deep breath as she starts to speak.

  “In the case of EI480, Aayla Erics versus Brant Isaac, the court finds Miss Erics ‘not guilty.’”

  My vision blurs with tears, and I strain to focus on her voice.

  “The detectives’ circumstantial evidence declares Miss Erics acted purely in self-defense, with no intention of murdering Mr. Isaac. This case is now closed.”

  Judge Gattina nods at us once, stands, and exits the room.

  I don’t believe my ears, I’m free. I know it was self-defense, but I was sure nobody else would see it that way, especially Laurel and Bryce. I turn to them to apologize when Laurel glances at me with a glazed over, emotionless look, then follows Bryce out of the room, without so much as a word to me. The guilt that I took a life still weighs so heavily on my heart and mind that I’m rooted to my spot. I’m not sure how much time has passed, but when I finally come out of my trance and turn to leave, Leila and Kai are standing at the door, waiting for me. They exchange a smile then walk over to me, wrapping me in a double hug. I hug them back, but I’m suddenly overcome with a sense of dread. I don’t know how to explain the unexpected way I feel inside but it’s dark, almost too much for me to handle.

  “Let’s get some lunch, huh? How ’bout Kyoto’s for sushi?” Kai asks as he releases me.

  I don’t feel much like eating—or socializing, for that matter—but nod anyway and follow them out of the courthouse. During lunch at my favorite restaurant, I barely speak, even to Leila. I know she notices and will call me out on it later, but I just play it off like I’m not feeling well.

  After Lei stops for an iced coffee and we get back to the apartment, I drop down on the sofa and sigh. Lei walks over to the stereo and turns it on, then plugs her phone in. I watch as she chooses a station on IHeartRadio, then turns the volume up and walks over to me.

  “All right, what the hell is up with you? I get that you’re processing, but you didn’t even touch your sushi. You love that shit,” she grunts as she plops down next to me and puts her coffee on the table.

  “I told you, I’m just not feeling good,” I say as convincingly as I can, but I know she doesn’t buy it.

  “Riiiiight. Now you wanna quit lyin’ to me, Ay? You can’t bullshit a bullshitter,” she quips while casually checking out her nails.

  Damn her and our endless bond of infinity. I’ll never get the way I’m feeling past her. I let out a huff and lay my head back on the cushion, then turn to look at her, trying to figure out how to word my sentence.

  “I feel…” I pause, still searching for the right thing to say. “Dark. Evil. I know I shouldn’t, but I feel guilty for killing him,” I say quietly.

  Leila grabs my hands and squeezes. “Listen to me, Aayla Noelle. You are not evil. You saved yourself,” she says, but her words are lost on me when a song I don’t know filters through the speakers. I tune her out, so I can hear the lyrics. They talk about the darkness, and demons hiding inside. The words hit me so deep, I can’t help but take a deep breath and swallow what I’m feeling.

  “What song is this?” I whisper as she taps her foot on the coffee table.

  “‘Demons’ by Imagine Dragons. Pretty catchy, huh?” she says, and starts to sing along with the lyrics under her breath.

  They’re something, that’s for sure. As the song finishes and another comes on, I realize why I feel so connected to it. I’ve got demons living in me from what I’ve done. My soul has been blackened by this nightmare. I can’t stay here and keep pretending I’m okay.

  That night, as we go to bed, I listen to the song on repeat until I fall asleep and decide what I need to do.

  It’s time to leave Alabama.

  Chapter Seven

  Leila,

  Don’t be pissed at me, I know you will be, but I have to do this.

  I’ll never be able to repay you for all you’ve done for me, or ever be able to say enough thank you’s for not only being my best friend, but my sister all these years. You’re the most important person to me now, but I have to get away for a while. I’ve lost something during this hell, and I have to find myself again.

  Please don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I’ll check in when I can. I need to do this. For my dad. For you. For me. I love you.

  Xo,

  Aayla

  I set the tented note for Leila on the end table, just inside the front door, so I know for sure she’ll see it when she gets home from work tonight. By then, I’ll be out of Alabama and on my way to North Carolina.

  I take a look around my second home, closing my eyes and remembering the memories that have been made here since Leila moved in at fourteen with her mom, Senna. She’s had a rough relationship with her dad because he’s not around and drinks a lot, but her mom’s always been like the one I never had. She basically took me in after my grandma Lucy passed when I was seventeen. After we turned eighteen, Senna decided Lei could handle living by herself, and set out to travel.

  I set my key next to the letter, lock the door, and pull it closed. I tug the last suitcase to my yellow Gremlin, which has been sitting in the driveway since I got here, at Lei’s insistence that she drive everywhere so she wouldn’t have to ride in “a death trap on wheels”—her words not mine. I stuff the last of my things in the backseat and walk around to the driver's side. I start old Millie up and she sputters before humming to life. I say a silent prayer that I’ll make it to Cary in one piece, but I know at this point, anything could happen. I really should get a new car and junk this one, but it was my dad's, and I just can't seem to part with it. It’s all I’ve got left of his. I click on the radio as I back out of the driveway and start on my new journey.

  Three and a half hours into my drive, I’ve got my radio cranked to an ungodly volume while I listen to Breaking Benjamin’s “Give Me A Sign.” I’m cruising steady on US-431 North to Cary, North Carolina, when the car jerks and starts to rumble, and not in the good way. I’ve just passed through Marietta, so I turn the radio down and silently start to freak out because I don’t want to break down on the side of the highway when I’m alone. That’s a horror movie just waiting to happen. Realizing how ridiculous I sound, I roll my eyes and run a hand down my cheek while damning this hunk of garbage all the way back to Dothan.

  The engine clunks and smoke starts to roll from under the hood while I’m still moving, so I slow down and turn my hazards on to pull over just as my car sputters and shuts off. I coast to a stop on the shoulder of the highway, close my eyes, and drop my head back to the rest. Is this seriously happening to me right now? Could anything else go wrong? I grab my phone from the passenger seat to call a tow, only to see the last fleeting second of battery flicker out as it shuts off. It wouldn't be so bad, except my cigarette lighter hasn't worked since I was sixteen, so there's no way charge my phone. I passed the last rest area about five miles back, and the next one isn’t for another twenty, where I would have stretched my legs, gotten a bite to eat, and charged my phone.

  Memo to myself: keep your freaking mouth shut. I don’t need this right now.

  I look out my window as cars pass by, not a care in the world. Yippee-freakin’-doo-da for them. I decide I need to get out and check the damage, not that I have a freaking prayer in heaven of figuring it out. Kai tried to teach Lei and I about cars when we were fifteen, but let’s be serious for a minute. We were only there to check out his gorgeous friends, Hun
ter and Ollie. I open my door and walk around to the front of Millie, dropping a kick to her tire as I go.

  I pop the hood, only to get a steam facial, and cough back the smell of gas that I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be smelling. Fanning the smoke away, I look at the engine and have no clue what I’m supposed to be seeing. Fan-friggin-tastic! I put my hands on top of my head, and spin away from the car before I scream. I feel it building until I decide it’ll be good for me.

  “Son-Of-A-Bitchin-Shit-Ass-Car!” I scream at the sky, feeling better than I thought I would.

  I crouch down to a squat to revel in this little shit show when I hear the rumble of some kind of truck. Like a sign from a guardian angel, I pop back up in time to find a tow truck pulling in behind me and I feel like I could cry.

  “Hilarious! I’m laughing so hard, I fell off my dinosaur!” I yell at my dad, who stills thinks he's being funny from heaven.

  I see a guy, who looks to be about eighteen or nineteen, behind the wheel, eyeing me. I muster a smile and a small wave, and I guess he decides I’m safe to approach, because he slings himself out the driver’s side and walks toward me.

  “Afternoon, miss. You need some help?” my knight in…dingy coveralls says, as he looks my car over.

  “You have no idea!” I practically yell, and then flinch ’cause it hurts my own ears. He laughs and nods, then walks around to the front of Millie where I left the hood open. It takes him only a few minutes to figure what would have taken me years to find and shuts the hood.

  “Transmission is shot.” He clicks his tongue and shakes his head at me.

  “Well, how much is that gonna cost?” I ask, walking up to him.

  He looks down at the gravel, then up to my face as a loud howl shoots from his mouth. He laughs so hard I think he might have actually busted one of his nuts, but I just stand there, stone still. He wipes his eyes and quickly grows sober when he sees I haven’t joined him.