Connor had been my whole heart, but this ordeal had left me shattered, exhausted at the effort required to simply seem okay. I’d cried as many tears as I could for the baby I had lost, and no more would leave my body over it. That had been my promise to myself.
This was it. I couldn’t move forward with him, and I couldn’t drag him down with me. Despite my determination not to cry, hot tears spilled down my cheeks and I closed my eyes, opening them to meet his gaze.
“Is this it?” he asked in disbelief.
“All I know is that I can’t do this anymore,” I whispered. I had to let him go, find happiness with someone who could give him what he needed. He’d always been the impossible dream, loved me when so many others wouldn’t have, put up with all my bullshit. Connor deserved so much more than me.
He leaned over, pressing his forehead to mine. “This isn’t over, Vanessa. It can’t be.”
“It has to be.”
Maybe I was being selfish, that for five short years I’d loved this beautiful, sweet man who was everything I wasn’t. I had always been so cynical and way too keen to let the bitchy side of my nature out.
He shook his head, sitting back. “You can push me away all you like. I know this isn’t you.”
“I can’t pretend to be happy.”
Connor placed his hands on my shoulders. “Then let me take care of everything.”
“I need to work this out in my head.”
He pulled away, his eyes blazing with anger. “Why is it always about you?”
I wiped my nose with my sleeve, sniffing. “It’s not.”
“I lost this baby too. And I wanted it from the start. I had to talk you into being happy”
Anger growing in me. I swallowed down my initial reaction, which was to scream at him. “I know you did, but I’m trying to deal with the fallout, and you won’t let me. You’re trying to wrap me in cottonwool, and that’s the last thing I need.”
“What do you need?” His voice grew in volume.
“You to leave me alone,” I yelled.
Connor fell backward, so much hurt and confusion in his eyes. “Whatever you want, Vanessa. I’ll go and pack.”
I said nothing, couldn’t form words. What could I say? I couldn’t live like this, and he wouldn’t understand how I was feeling.
My heart ached, but my head told me at least I’d get the space I needed.
I didn’t cry again when he left. Maybe that would come later.
I also knew, without a doubt, that regret would come later too.
Even if I could breathe again.
Chapter 4
Connor … poor Connor. He became collateral damage from my miscarriage. I didn’t feel much as he packed his things and moved them out. For five years we’d shared a bed every night, and yet in the days that followed, I didn’t miss him. We’d gone from miscarriage to break-up in the space of a month. I was too busy drowning in my misery.
I had my regrets about how I’d handled things from the start. To go through something like that alone by choice wasn’t the smartest of ideas. I couldn’t see past the haze right in front of me, caused by my grief.
Now, I wallowed in self-pity. Sad for the baby I lost, sad for the love I’d lost, sad for the life I’d lost. I came home to a cold, dark house at night with no laughter. Our breakup had been for the most stupid reason, but I couldn’t see how to find my way back.
I couldn’t call Connor. We’d made a clean break, and he was better off without me. He needed who I used to be. Even at my worst, I’d still had all the time and love in the world for him. What he didn’t need was this hollow shell that I’d become.
Will became my rock. He and Ali were there when I needed them, never getting in my face, never smothering me.
I also needed my home.
The week after Connor moved out, I packed the car and set off for Kerikeri for the weekend. Surrounding myself with the familiar had suddenly seemed a good idea. Maybe one I should have had earlier. Mum and Ella would have questions, I still hadn’t told them, but I could use the huge space of the farm I used to hate to get some alone time. I even looked forward to the three-hour drive to get there.
Ella and I usually kept in touch on a semi-regular basis, but it had been a while. Our lives were so busy we could go a few weeks without talking, and then go through a blitz of calls and texts. I hadn’t told her anything about what had happened, about the baby, about Connor. I couldn’t bring myself to tell the story and break my heart all over again. So I drove, reassured by the familiarity of the winding roads through the Brynderwyn hills and worrying about how she’d take the news.
The road was quiet with barely any traffic, and for the first time in a week, I missed Connor’s presence. We’d travelled together this way so many times, taking turns driving, stopping for milkshakes along the way.
The farm looked the same, just as it always did, and the crunch of the gravel under my tyres told me I was home. I pulled in around the back of the house and walked straight through the open back door and into the dining room.
“Mum?”
She stood at the kitchen counter, cheeks flushed from the warmth radiating off the oven. The scent of fresh baking had filled the air. I’d arrived at a good time.
“Vanessa. You didn’t tell us you were coming.” Mum wiped her hands on her apron and came toward me, arms out.
“I thought I’d surprise you. Something smells good.”
She smiled. “I just made cookies for the kids. Grab one while they’re hot.”
I took a deep breath as I drew closer. Fresh chocolate-chip cookies sat on a plate, and they smelled so good and familiar. They’d always been a favourite.
“Finn and Georgia are in the living room. Pop in and see them.”
I grabbed a cookie, and made my way to the door. Sitting in the middle of the living room were my niece and nephew, surrounded by soft toys.
“Hey, guys.” I flopped on the couch, throwing my bag onto the floor beside me.
“Auntie Nessa,” Finn roared, leaping over the toys and throwing himself at me. Georgia was right behind him and I held them tight, breathing in that scent that only young children have.
“What are you up to?”
“A tea party.” Georgia giggled.
“It’s not a tea party, Georgia. That’s a girl thing.” I turned to listen to Finn right as he rolled his eyes. He’d clearly picked up my habit.
I laughed. “I see Gran’s made some cookies.”
“We have to wait until they cool down.” Finn settled down beside me.
“I’ve got one.” I raised my hand, showing them the cookie. Georgia’s eyes grew wide. “Here you go.” I split the cookie in two and gave them half each, slipping my arms around them. I loved them both so freaking much.
“Where’s Connor?” Mum stood in the doorway.
I’d known the question would come, but I didn’t think I’d have an audience when I got it. “I need to tell you something.”
Her eyebrows dipped, but thankfully she seemed to understand that it wasn’t anything I wanted to talk about in front of the children. “Are you okay?”
I shrugged. “Just needed to come and see you all. I can stay tonight and tomorrow, and go home Sunday. If my room is still intact.”
She smiled. “Your room will always be there. It’s nice you got the whole weekend off.”
“It worked out well. I thought I’d come and spend some time with the bestest niece and nephew in the world.” I squeezed the kids tight, leaning my head on Finn’s.
“They’re here with me for the afternoon before they go home for dinner. Maybe you should slip over and see your sister while the kids are here.”
That was a great idea. Ella was always so crazy busy with Finn and Georgia; if I wanted to have a serious conversation with her, now would be a good time.
“How about we get you guys another cookie each, and I’ll pop over to see your mother?”
A chorus of complaint came from both
sides, and it made me smile.
“I’ll be back soon and we’ll find something to play together.”
Leaving them eating their cookies, I gave Mum a quick hug and headed out the door and toward Ella’s house. It wasn’t that far, but far enough that her and my parents weren’t in each other’s backyards. Ella loved the farm as much as I’d hated living here. I’d wanted the noise and the faster pace of the city, but after living away for so long, I had to admit it was nice to come home to the peace and quiet.
Ella and Matt’s house was lovely, modern and large. They’d planned ahead for accommodating a big family. Finn had taken more than a year to conceive, and Ella had despaired over it, but Georgia had been an unexpected bonus, following a year after Finn.
Ella and Matt were love’s young dream. Ella’s first husband, Sam, had cheated on Ella, ending their relationship. Matt had helped her pick up the pieces. The best thing my sister ever did was fall in love with him.
The closer I got to the house, the louder the voices got. In the time Ella had been married to Matt, I’d never known them to argue. I was sure they did; no relationship was ever trouble free. This was the first time I’d heard raised voices.
The front door flew open, and Matt stormed away from the house. He stalked past me without a smile, heading toward the cows.
Ella appeared in the doorway, a smug smile on her face, her eyes fixed to Matt’s back.
“Ella?”
She shifted her gaze to me, her eyes lighting up at the sight. “Ness, it’s so good to see you. Come in.”
“What’s going on? Are you guys fighting?”
She shook her head and nodded toward Matt. “Matthew James Carver. Get your butt back here,” she yelled, but her tone wasn’t harsh. It was warm, loving.
Matt stopped, slowly turning in the direction of his wife. Step after step he came toward us until he reached Ella. Without a word to either of us, he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her so hard it made me gasp.
“Are we going to tell my sister what that was all about?” Ella asked as he nuzzled her ear.
“I’d tell you guys to get a room, but you’ve got a whole house right in front of you.” I crossed my arms, tapping my foot in the dirt. “Seriously. Since when do you guys fight? I thought your relationship was all lollipops and rainbows.”
“We’re not fighting. Not really.” Matt laughed, planting another big kiss on Ella’s cheek and beaming at me.
“He just lost a bet.” Ella grinned.
I looked between the two of them. They both had large smiles on their faces. Something was up. “What kind of bet?”
“You have to promise to keep this to yourself. I haven’t even told Mum and Dad yet.”
The penny dropped, and it was like a punch to the stomach. “Are you having another baby?”
Ella nodded. “We had a bet on how long it would take for me to get pregnant. I won. Matt has fast-acting sperm.”
My heart ached for my own situation, but I had to put that aside for this moment. “Ewww.” I wrinkled my nose. “That’s gross.”
“He thought it would take a few months because I’d been on the pill since Georgia was born. I just had a feeling it would be faster.”
“And it was?”
“First month.” She looked smug, and damn it, she deserved to. The memories of how long it had taken to fall pregnant with Finn were long in the past now. I swallowed as I pushed out a smile. I couldn’t be anything but happy for them. What they had was perfect. Didn’t make me hurt any less.
“I’m pleased for you two. I was a bit worried when I heard raised voices.”
Ella laughed. “I was just teasing Matt. He’s got about six months’ worth of back rubs ahead of him.”
Matt shook his head. “We didn’t need a bet for that. I’ve got to go and check on the cows. Talk to you later, Ness.” He let go of Ella, taking the few steps toward me, and bent and pecked me on the cheek. “Enjoy your gossip, ladies.”
Ella and I watched as he walked away. He’d given up his blossoming computer programming career for them to move to the farm, although he still did some contract work, but their family came first. Thinking about that awakened in me so many pangs of regret over my initial reluctance to fall pregnant.
I trailed behind Ella as she turned to go back into the house. “Want a coffee?” she asked over her shoulder.
“Sounds good.”
As I stepped into the kitchen, it was almost as familiar as the kitchen at home. Ella had been baking bread, and I closed my eyes as I breathed the smell of it in.
“You and Mum are both baking. I’ve had cookies; can I get some of that, too?”
She laughed. “It’s still in the bread-maker. You can have one of the end slices when it’s cooked. I know you love that piece, and it’s Matt’s favourite bit too, so I’ll save him the other one.”
“Yum. Sounds good.”
She switched on the kettle as I sat at the kitchen table.
I looked out the window. In the distance, Matt disappeared over the paddocks, and my father had joined him. When Connor and I had come here, the three of them would hang out together. What would Connor be doing now?
It was too late to think of that. He’d taken all his things and gone.
“So what brings you here? I haven’t spoken to you in ages.” Ella was so chirpy, and now I knew the reason I felt even worse about dropping this on her. “Connor told me you were sick. Was it serious?”
“I was pregnant.”
She sat beside me at the table, her brows furrowed. “Was?”
“I lost the baby at eight weeks. Connor and I broke up. Life is pretty shit right now.”
Her breasts almost took on a life of their own as she let out a sob, taking deep breaths all for me.
“I’m so sorry, Ness. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have been so excited outside.”
I shook my head. “You have every right to be happy. I’m happy for you. You weren’t to know. I kept things pretty close to my chest. We didn’t tell anyone about the pregnancy; I’ve seen enough things go wrong at the hospital. Besides, I wasn’t too happy to start with.”
She reached over and stroked my arm. “To start with?”
“I got used to the idea. Even looked forward to it. I mean, I did want kids, but maybe in a few years. I wanted to build up a career I can go back to once I do have them.”
Tears rolled down her cheeks. Ella always did feel things so deeply, and I almost felt guilty about telling her. “What happened with you and Connor?”
I waved my hands in the air in frustration. “He was sad too, but he just wanted to take care of everything. I didn’t get any room to breathe.”
She shook her head. “I know it’s not the same, but I understand that need. I pushed Matt away so I could deal with the aftermath of Sam leaving, and it was what I needed.” Leaning in a little closer, she gave me a tiny smile. “Sometimes I think you’re allowed to be a little selfish. Especially when it comes to your mental and physical wellbeing.”
I’d known she’d understand, and I hated I’d made her feel sad for sharing her own news. “I’m happy to hear your news too. Of all the people in the entire planet, I want you and Matt to get everything you ever want. I love you guys.”
“We love you. Anything you need, just tell us.” People said that kind of thing as a throwaway comment when something bad happened, but Ella meant it.
“Right now, I just need to hang out and be away from the house. The one good thing that came out of it was that I made a couple of new friends. Good ones.”
Ella laughed. “That’s not like you. What’s wrong with them?”
I pushed her arm. “Nothing. They’re good people. I graduated with Will. He’s a doctor too. And he has this awesome girlfriend, Ali.”
“Oh, a female friend even. That’s even more unlike you.” She leaned back in her chair and smiled. “Just remember you can come and stay with me any time. There’s heaps of space. We’re always happy
to see you.”
She stood as the kettle boiled, and grabbed a couple of mugs from the cupboard. I looked back out the window at Dad and Matt in the distance.
I raised an eyebrow when Liam came into sight. He was my high school boyfriend, the only real boyfriend I’d had before Connor. I’d been so acidic; I hadn’t had a lot of friends, but Liam wouldn’t leave me alone. What we had would never have lasted. I was so serious, and he’d had no intention of getting his crap together. Now he worked part-time for my father, which had proven a bit awkward in the past, though he usually tried to steer clear of us when I was here with Connor.
“How long are you here for?”
I switched my attention to Ella’s question. “I’m here tonight and tomorrow night. Go home Sunday.”
She smiled, the dimples in her cheeks lighting up the room. I’d always been so jealous of them when I was growing up. Hell, I was envious of a lot of things Ella had when I was a kid. Even now, she had her act together and I was a mess.
“You’ll have to have dinner with us one night. Take your pick which one.”
“I might hang out with Mum and Dad tonight. I have to go back and tell Mum what happened. Your children kind of got in the way of doing that before.”
She laughed. “I hope they’re behaving themselves over there.”
“Oh you know, a bit of nuclear destruction in the living room. It looks like a bomb hit it.”
Ella came back to the table with two mugs of coffee. “That’s my children.”
“And now you’re having another one? Life must be good.”
She sat, placing one cup in front of me. “It is. We love this place, but there’s still the pull from the city. Matt’s doing a bit more contract work than we’d planned, but he can do most of it from here, and the money is really good.”
“How’s the farm doing?”
Her eyes darted to my face and down to the table. “Not that good. We knew coming in that it wasn’t making money. It’s Dad’s hobby, not his main source of income.”
“Yeah.”
“Dad’s not getting any younger. Matt does a lot, and Liam’s doing more and more. I don’t think we’ll be here forever.”
In a Heartbeat (Lifetime Book 2) Page 3
