I nodded. “That doesn’t surprise me. Are you thinking about moving back to the city?”
Ella shook her head. “Not any time soon. This place is so good for the kids, and no one’s in any financial trouble. What we all really need is for this place to break even. That’s it.”
Placing my hand on my heart, I shifted my gaze to the ceiling. “Thank you. I didn’t want to give up your house.”
When she laughed, I looked back at her. I always thought that pregnant-lady-glow thing was bullshit, but Ella was shining.
“Are you supposed to be drinking coffee?” I asked.
She poked her tongue at me. “It’s my first and only one for today. I’ve been holding back the last few days until I got a test.”
I ran my finger around the top of my cup. “Boy or girl this time?”
“I don’t care. We’ll all be happy either way.”
Anyone else I might have envied, but I was truly happy for Ella. She was one of life’s good people, and deserved every happiness.
I wasn’t so sure about myself.
Chapter 5
There’s a family story that’s been told a million times—the story of how my father defied his father and became a farmer, following in his grandfather’s footsteps.
The story’s always told with gusto, especially the last part when an unexpected pregnancy reunites father and son, and they live happily-ever-after.
The unexpected pregnancy was me.
It wasn’t until I grew older, well into my teens, that I realised one thing. Didn’t unexpected mean unwanted? Mum and Dad had to go to my grandfather for help when I was on the way and the farm was in trouble. They never planned for me. Ella had been enough for them.
That was when I’d realised something else. Ella was the princess of the family. Not in a bad way; I could never resent her. She was far too good-natured to make enemies, and she adored me. But it left me with the nagging feeling that I was never good enough. I couldn’t measure up to her.
She had everything now—a loving husband, two adorable children, and she lived right under Mum and Dad’s noses. I still couldn’t help but adore her.
I trekked back toward Mum and Dad’s house, taking in the view. Sheep in one far paddock, cows in another. Nothing ever changed around here.
“Vanessa.” Liam walked toward me, dropping the bucket he’d been carrying on the ground as he approached. He’d changed, grown up since we’d been together. This well-built farmhand was a far cry from the skinny boy I’d known throughout school.
His face hadn’t changed. Those chiselled cheekbones now graced filled out cheeks, his brown eyes sparkling with happiness. We hadn’t had a bad breakup; things had just died out. But good terms or not, we’d not had much to do with one another for years.
“Hey Liam.”
“Isn’t your boyfriend here with you? I thought you two were joined at the hip.” Liam stood in front of me, covered in dirt.
“We broke up.”
Liam’s brows shot up. “Really? I thought …”
“Nothing lasts forever.”
The silence was uncomfortable, and I didn’t even know where to look. Matt had teased me about Liam, had said he’d asked about me sometimes, but there wasn’t anything there I was keen on revisiting. Besides, I’d been Connor-less for a week, and despite my missing his stupid floppy hair, I was enjoying the space. It was friends I needed now. I could keep them at arm’s length.
“It’s good to see you, anyway,” he said, so softly I barely heard him.
I nodded, chewing on my lower lip. “Yeah, you too. I’m just on my way in to catch up with Mum.”
“Of course.”
This was awkward. He had the look on his face of a puppy, hopeful for a snack. It had been more than five years since things had trailed off between us, and I’d moved to Auckland. What else had he done in that time?
“You know, Vanessa, any time you want to hang out …”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
As I reached the back door, I pushed it open only to find Mum on the other side, her arms crossed.
“Matt just picked up the kids, so now you can tell me about whatever is going on.”
I walked past her, picking up the waiting coffee on the kitchen counter. Mum missed very little about what happened on the farm. She’d probably seen me leaving Ella’s place.
“Can we sit down?”
“I saw you talking with Liam. I do hope you’re not leading that poor boy on. He still asks after you.”
I walked from the kitchen to the living room. “No, I’m not leading him on. I just had a conversation with him.”
“Good.” Her brows knitted together. “It’s clear there’s something up. You and Connor are usually together. That young man would follow you anywhere.”
Placing the mug on a coaster on the coffee table, I buried my head in my hands. Mum said nothing else, just sat beside me and pulled me into her arms.
“What’s going on?” she whispered.
Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I leaned against my mother, needing her comfort, wanting her to just listen, knowing she’d have an opinion.
“Everything’s gone to crap, Mum. Connor and I aren’t together anymore.”
“Oh, Vanessa. What did you do?”
I froze. There was a good chance she didn’t mean it the way it had come out. Mum was a lot like Ella, sweet and caring, but she had what seemed like these huge expectations of me that she didn’t have for my big sister. When Ella’s marriage had broken up, Mum was all over her like a rash. I came home with a broken heart and she wanted to know what I’d done to cause it.
“What makes you think I did anything?” I whimpered.
She let go, staring at me. “I don’t know. You can be so prickly, and Connor was always so accommodating.”
“We lost a baby, Mum. That’s what I did.”
Silence, always silence. She kept her gaze fixed on me as tears grew in her eyes. I didn’t think she knew what to say.
“You didn’t tell me you were pregnant.”
“We didn’t tell anyone. I’ve seen miscarriages before at work. I just wanted to get to a point in time where I could be more sure it was safe.”
The tears rolled down her face as she raised her hand to cup my cheek. I closed my eyes to the reassurance of my mother’s touch. “I’m so sorry, Vanessa. What happened with Connor? I thought he’d take good care of you.”
I sighed. “He tried, Mum. He really did. Too much. I couldn’t breathe. I just had enough and told him to leave.”
“Oh, sweetheart.”
Her arms were back around me and I buried my face in her chest, feeling like a child all over again. She was right. I was prickly, and Connor had been the best counter to my personality. Saying goodbye should have been a lot harder than it had been.
“Have you spoken to anyone about it?”
Of course she had to ask the question I had been avoiding the answer to. We’d been given the standard brochures from work about who to contact for grief counselling if need be, but I still didn’t want to talk about my feelings. Why change the habit of a lifetime? If I pushed through it for long enough, I’d come out the other side and be okay.
“I don’t want to.”
“Maybe you need to.”
I let out a long, loud sigh. “What I need is to get on with my life and forget it ever happened.”
“What about Connor? Forget him, too?”
“Believe me, Mum. He’s better off without me.”
WHILE MUM STARTED DINNER, I excused myself and went to my bedroom. I’d told myself so many times that Mum and Dad would convert my room before I even had both feet out the door, but the room hadn’t changed a bit.
The walls were lined with posters of my favourite bands, and I had one wall covered with bookshelves filled with a lifetime full of books. This had been my sanctuary. No one noticed me, I’d hide in here and read for hours.
I’d had my old single bed swap
ped out for a double from one of the spare rooms when I hit high school. I’d spread books out on the bed and snuggled under the covers, listening to music and poring over the stories.
Now, as at home, I had this bed to sleep in all alone. That would take some getting used to. I hadn’t changed the sheets back at my place; maybe that was why I hadn’t felt Connor’s absence yet, but here, as I lay on my old bed, it seemed empty.
I closed my eyes. Mum and I hadn’t gone into any detail about the baby or Connor leaving, but I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep it off. It might take weeks the way I was feeling.
Being at home in my old bed brought me a whole new comfort, one I’d never got from the house in Auckland. I pulled one of the pillows close, hugging it to my chest.
When I was on the verge of falling asleep, thumping on the door broke me out of that haze.
“Come in?”
Dad appeared in the doorway. We’d always had a closer relationship than me and Mum, and while Ella took after her, I was more like him.
“Hey, princess. Your mother told me what happened with Connor.”
I nodded.
“Need some time away?”
“I just needed to come home.”
If I didn’t know my dad better, I would have sworn his lower lip wobbled, and he stepped into my room, approaching the bed.
“Is it that bad?”
He wasn’t the most affectionate person, even though I knew how much he loved all of us. Dad was gruff on the outside, but made of marshmallow inside.
“I just couldn’t deal with it all, Dad. I had to take a break.”
Dad sat beside me on the bed. “You did what you had to do. I’m glad you’re here and not moping around alone at home.”
“Mum asked me what I did wrong.”
With a sigh, he tilted his head to the side. “You know your mother doesn’t mean it that way.”
I shrugged. Tears pricked my eyes as we just looked at each other, and he reached out to stroke my hair.
“Life’s not always easy, sweetheart. That’s what we’re here for, and your mother loves you so much. She just doesn’t always know how to handle things with you. You’re so much like me.”
“Then how come you’ve been married for a million years? How does that work?”
Dad tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear. “We’ve been through a lot together, and it made us stronger.”
“You didn’t just throw the towel in like I did.”
“Vanessa, what you went through was huge. No one knows like I do what a big softy you are. Despite that tough exterior. Just like your father.” He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. “But that’s our secret.” As he sat back up, he sighed. “Dinner’s nearly ready. I hope you’re joining us.”
“Are you kidding? The cooking is what I come home for.”
Dad laughed. “Now I get spoiled by your mum and Ella. Life is pretty sweet here.”
“If only I loved the farm as much as you do.”
He grinned. “That’s where we’re opposites. I could have had the life working for my father in the big city, but something about this place draws me back every time.”
“Is it going okay, Dad?”
Dad grimaced. “Not that great. We can keep going without me drawing on any capital. The interest from your grandfather’s investments is what we’re living on. I think the day will come when that can’t sustain us, but for the moment we’re alright. Having Matt here has really helped; he’s taken on a lot of the harder work I would have had to pay someone for.”
“Ella said he’s picking up more contract jobs too.”
He nodded. “He’s a good man. Works hard for his family. I always thought if you’d become a vet, you could have come back to town and helped out with the cows and sheep.”
“Dad,” I groaned. That had been his dream. I chose the hard path, dealing with people. They were often much more unreasonable than animals.
Laughing, he stood. “You did what you had to do. I would never have tried to stop you. You’re as stubborn as I am. Anyway, come on. Dinner’s nearly ready.” He reached for my hand, pulling me up and off the bed and to my feet. “I’m glad you’re home, even if it’s for just a little while.”
“Me too, Dad. Me too.”
Chapter 6
I went back to work and kept myself distracted with my busy life. Back to taking the odd double shift, working sixty or even eighty-hour weeks. Being with family helped, but if I lingered too long in my thoughts about what might have been, my chest tightened, my heart feeling like it may just break.
On I went, pushing through, ignoring the nagging feeling that I needed to stop and catch a breath. Ignoring any thoughts that I might need help.
Solitude gave me some peace. Living by myself gave me a new appreciation for what I was capable of. I’d always been independent, but the hardest part of coming out of a long-term relationship had been finding my feet again, getting used to doing things for myself.
Connor had been gone for a month, and I hadn’t spoken to him, hadn’t made any contact. It was too hard. I was still a mess, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him further. He had always been too good a person to be with me.
The dishwasher stunk.
To save water, I’d always filled it before using it instead of using it every night. One person used a lot less dishes than two, and with my busy schedule, it’d take a few days to stack enough dishes in it to make it worthwhile.
I grimaced as I opened the door and slipped the last plate in. Placing the little tablet in the tray, I closed the door and pressed the buttons to make it go.
Nothing happened but one red light flashing all by itself. No sound, no water running, no other lights coming on.
Crap.
Technically, as the landlord, this was Ella’s problem. But with Ella up north, Connor had usually taken care of things like this, either fixing it himself or calling someone in and then sending the bill to her.
I frowned, smacking the front of the machine as if it would wake it up. Stranger things had happened. But in this case, no chance.
Glaring at the dishwasher, I pressed every single button on the damn thing. Anger and frustration grew inside me, and I slapped the bench, my tears building over something so incredibly stupid.
I slapped it harder, my palm stinging, my face streaming with warm tears which dripped over my chin and down the front of my shirt. Sinking to my knees, I wept, leaning against the stupid broken dishwasher.
My baby was gone, Connor was gone, and now I’d have to wash the dishes by hand to get rid of the smell and organise an appliance repairman. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt so helpless, so useless.
At the other end of the phone were friends and family. Instead, I sat on the floor and cried. After a few minutes, I wiped my nose with my sleeve. I stood. The dishes could wait until tomorrow.
I headed for the bedroom, flopping onto the bed fully clothed, not caring. My eyes were sore and swollen, my nose stuffy from crying, and all I wanted to do was sleep and never wake up.
Closing my eyes, I was soon on the brink of falling asleep, and I gave myself over to it gladly.
Tomorrow I would just have to start anew.
MY EYES WERE STILL HEAVY the following morning. Light streamed into the bedroom, the curtains wide open having not been drawn the night before.
“Why is the sun so bright?” I groaned, rolling over.
My head thumped in time with the alarm, still happily singing away beside the bed. I opened my eyes about a centimetre to see what time it was as I reached for the clock.
Shit.
The alarm had been going off for at least half an hour. Lord knew how I’d slept through it. My pitiful display on the kitchen floor must have tired me out more than I’d realised, and I’d be late to work if I didn’t get my act together, and fast.
I sped through the quickest shower ever, pulling on my clothes as I wolfed down a piece of toast. Traffic w
as surprisingly accommodating, and I managed to make it to work just in time for my shift, running in the double door at the last minute.
Grabbing my coat and stethoscope from my locker, I spotted a bemused Will standing outside the door.
“How’s it going?” Will asked.
“Drowning in self-pity. And the dishwasher’s broken. My kitchen smells like something died.”
His lips curled into a broad smile. “Want me to take a look? I’m pretty handy.”
“I bet that’s what Ali says all the time.” I grinned. “Seriously, though, I was just going to call a repairman.”
He shook his head. “No. Let me take a look first.”
“Are you going to charge me to fix it?”
“No.”
“You’re welcome to take a look at it, then.”
Will laughed. “I’ll grab Ali on the way home and we’ll come over. Maybe we can order a pizza or something while your dishes wash.”
“You’re very confident.”
He shrugged. “Worst-case scenario is that we eat dinner with no dishes to add to the pile, and you call someone who actually knows what they’re doing.”
I nodded. “Deal.”
“OH DEAR GOD. I know what you mean about something dying.” Will wrinkled his nose as we walked into the kitchen. Ali picked up the phone to order pizza as I took him to the dishwasher.
“This is what happens when I try and look after myself.” I laughed as I left him to it, flopping onto the couch.
Ali hung up the phone. “Thirty minutes,” she called out.
I raised an eyebrow.
“That’s his challenge. Thirty minutes to fix the dishwasher or he doesn’t get any pizza.”
Laughing, I sat up so she could sit next to me.
“However long it takes, I really appreciate the help.”
“You know we’re here for you, anytime.” Ali smiled. “How about we watch some TV while we wait?”
I leaned forward to pick up the TV remote, flicking the screen on. The news was on, and I watched story after story in silence. So many bad things happened in the world. Why couldn’t life just be good?
In a Heartbeat (Lifetime Book 2) Page 4
