Redefining Rayne

by Amy Mullen

  "That she cannot have children? Aye. I wish she would have told me sooner."

  "Does that change how you feel about the marriage? I know she struggled with this, milord. 'Tis why she acted as she did. She hoped you would send her home."

  "I have since figured that out. What I do not understand is why she did not tell me."

  "Would you have accepted her as she was? Honestly?"

  "I do not know," he said.

  "There are always secrets in a woman's heart, milord. Hers are most devastating. I cannot blame her for keeping it close. Rayne should not feel shame for it, but she does. She feels it is her failing as a woman, though I have told her that is not true. Rayne would have rather died than tell you, or anyone, which is why she chose other methods to gain your disproval," Tillie said as if the matter was closed. "But along those same lines, the person I seek is not here. If you say Rufus has asked for any man to aid him, he may be out of London. He may even be dead."

  "Tell me who he is and why you seek him. Mayhap we can find him."

  "He is called James. He is, or rather was, your Lady Geva's brother. Illegitimate, but they were close. He works in the king's stables."

  Andre's head shot up. "Geva? What has this to do with her?"

  "If I may, milord, I wish to find him first, lest I am wrong, and I could be mistaken about my suspicions. 'Tis not a story many would believe unless verified. Should I speak my fear, I may sully the good name of many with no reason."

  "Fair enough," Andre said, standing. "But this is all the stalling I will accept. The secrets must end, and they must end soon. So, we find this man. If he works for the king, he is near Pevensey now, not in London. Is he worth chasing down, Tillie, truly?"

  "This could change everything."

  "Right. Be ready in the morn then, Tillie. We ride at sunrise. I will have a horse for you."

  He stood to leave, but Tillie stopped him. "She is broken, milord. Claude was, well, not a nice man. She does not know her worth. When he was not beating her, he was telling her what an evil witch she was, unable to carry a child for him."

  Andre said nothing as he studied the floor.

  "She needs love, milord. Love can heal her."

  "I care not about the past, Tillie. I still wish to wed her. I was not sure until this moment, but I do. Let's start with finding James," he said over his shoulder as he left her for the night. "I shall finish up my duty to the king, and we will move forward on the morrow.

  Andre took a few steps and then stopped. He turned to the older woman behind him. "Tillie, this stays between us. I know you have been Rayne's servant, but anyone who has seen you with her knows 'tis more than that. You are her friend. I know you are the only one she trusts. For this reason, and this reason alone, I have chosen to speak to you about this. I trust you understand the implications of repeating anything I may have said about the king or his aims."

  "Of course," Tillie said. "'Tis only Rayne I worry for. Otherwise, 'tis forgotten already."

  ****

  The boys recovered from their fever three days after Andre's departure. By suppertime that night, they had regained their healthy color and were itching to be free from their beds. Rayne accepted Aliza's invitation to eat in the nursery each eve, which was far better than sitting in silence with the priest at the high table in the hall.

  She spent the rest of the week fearing her fate yet calmly accepting things were now beyond her control. She explored the castle and continued to alter her new clothes. The boys came to her often, and she did not have the heart to tell them she wished to be alone, if only to protect her heart. With great fondness, she played with them and took them outside to teach them about the world around them. She learned of Hamon's fascination with bugs and Jerni's fascination with anything Hamon did.

  Her heart ached each time she bid them good night or when they left her to spend time with Aliza. While she characterized her newfound love for Andre as tentative and scary, she was unequivocally in love with the boys. Their innocent wonder and sloppy smiles had cemented them in her heart. She knew, whether she stayed or left, she would never forget Jenri and Hamon.

  At night, she lay alone except for the lone soldier out in the passageway, guarding her as she slept. At times, salty tears would slide down her face, but she would ignore them and wish for the sweet oblivion of sleep. On one night, shortly before Andre was expected to return, her tears turned into gut-wrenching sobs.

  The pain came, and she let the tears try to wash it away. Her mind told her Andre would dismiss her as soon as he returned, but she yearned for the opposite. She wished time could go backward, though she knew there would have been nothing she could have done to change her fate or save her babies. There was nothing that would make her whole again.

  As the minutes ticked by and her sobs lessened, Rayne could do nothing but await what fate had in store for her. Never had a night felt so lonely. She had lived in a state of sorrow and frustration for as long as she could remember. She had not known happiness since her parents had died when she was young. Now, it was so close to her fingertips, yet lingered just out of reach.

  Though she missed Tillie, her loneliness was more about the man of the castle. Her life felt empty without him near. In the moments before she finally drifted off to sleep, her heart betrayed her and spoke her secrets.

  "Andre," she whispered before she finally drifted off to sleep. "Please let me stay. I never meant to cause you pain."

  But it did not matter, for no one was there to hear her.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Tillie was strangely quiet as she rode with Andre. The sun was rising, and they were now not far from Cuxton Castle, and his men were now fully armored and equipped with as much weaponry as they could hold. They had slept but a few hours deep in the woods before rising to continue the journey home. He would lead the men with him to Rufus and would then find James.

  He was grateful for the silence, as it gave him time to think. Much about his conversation with Tillie had been confusing, and he tried to read between her words for the true meaning of what she had said, not that she had said much. He had said more to the woman about Rayne than he had wanted to, but if he wanted Tillie to be more open with him, then he should offer the same courtesy.

  It was new and unexpected, but he realized now that he loved Rayne. He didn't want to and had fought it even as he had sought to spend more time with her, but he loved her nonetheless. He had thought companionship would be enough, but it had grown into something more. Now that he knew her loved her, everything in his life had changed. Andre still longed for children of his own, but he knew he could not push her from his life for that reason alone. Jenri and Hamon were there, and they needed parents. And she needed them, whether she knew it or not.

  She was exasperating, mysterious, stubborn, and hard to read. Never had a woman made him feel six different things at once. She was clearly naïve, as a simple conversation would have cleared this up early on, and yet, maybe she was wise. What would he have done had he known right away? Tillie had asked him, and he did not know. It was too late to find out now.

  In a rush of confusion, one thing remained clear: he wanted to make her feel better about herself, to give her reason to feel joy. He wanted her to understand her worth. Strength was something she had to find on her own, but he wished to help in any way he could. Right now though, he had to get back to her and find out what Tillie thought was so important. He could not guess what it could be, but at this point, he was willing to try anything to make his life right again.

  "James should be with William Rufus," he said as he slowed for Tillie to catch up to him. "He will be easy to locate. We'll stop back at Cuxton, and then we'll be off to Pevensey. I want to check in on the boys and Rayne before we go. Mayhap you should let me find him, and you can stay with Rayne when we stop."

  "As much as I would like to avoid a battlefield, milord, James will not speak to you about any of this. What he may know, if I am right, will be hard to get
out of him. Nay, I must go with you or all will be lost."

  "Even better," Andre said, "I know a man with a manor near Pevensey. You will wait there, with escort of course, and I shall bring this James to you. I cannot have you on a battlefield looking for this man. Do you find that agreeable?"

  "Aye, milord," Tillie said, sounding relieved.

  The horses were exhausted when the party reached the gates of Cuxton Castle. The drawbridge lowered before they came near and the gate was up so they could pass without pause. Andre led them to the stables and gave strict instructions to give the horses some extra care as they had rode them hard in an effort to get back. He directed the men in his charge to have a rest outside the walls for a short time. They would continue on soon.

  Nigel, Andre's squire, came running from the hall as soon as he saw the party enter. Helga was hot on his heels.

  "What is the matter? Are the boys well?" Andre asked.

  "Aye, they are well now. We came to assist you. Will you remain long, milord?"

  "Nay," Andre said to Nigel. "See to the men outside, arm the few that have nothing, and be sure my horse is fed. I must be off soon."

  "Tillie! You are back," Helga said, running to hug the woman. "Good to see ye!"

  With a nod, she hugged the cook and then transferred her attention to Nigel, as Andre spoke again. "Where is Lady Rayne?"

  "She be in her quarters, milord. I have not seen a lot of her. Shall I fetch her for you?"

  Andre shook his head. "Nay, 'tis not necessary. I must be off again. Let her rest. I will see her upon our return."

  "Do you wish to see Hamon and Jenri?" Helga asked as Nigel left to do the lord's bidding.

  "That would be good," he said. "Bring them down to the gates, but be careful of the activity. There is much to do, and I have little time."

  As Helga went to get the boys, Andre stood and stared up at the solar. His eyes went to the windows of the nursery. He wondered if Rayne spent time there, or was hiding in her room as Helga suggested. They had not left things in a good place, and seeing her now would not improve the situation. There was no time for a resolution. What Tillie sought from James he did not know, but he hoped he would know soon. It was best to wait. Hopefully the picture would be clearer once they returned.

  "Tillie!" he shouted, unaware she was right behind him.

  The poor woman jumped, but stood her ground.

  "I will do whatever you need."

  "See you are ready to go. Take as little with you as possible. Pevensey is but three hours by horseback, but there is a chance we would stay the night. It depends on how fast we find James, if we can find him, and how long-winded the king becomes when I see him. Wear a dark color so you do not stand out in the group of men. You will always be guarded, but as we near the siege, 'tis a good idea to blend in."

  "Aye, milord," Tillie said with a bob of her head. She turned and ran towards the great hall, delighted to have leave to see Rayne a moment before leaving again.

  With a heavy heart and an uneven stride, Andre donned his armor. He needed assistance with some, but he put on his mail and checked his sword and daggers. He knew they were there, but a second look did not hurt. He found Nigel, gave him more preparations, and told him to be ready shortly.

  As he went back to the gate, he saw Aliza with Hamon and Jenri.

  "Pardon me, please," she said in a soft voice, "if it is not too much trouble, the boys are here to see you."

  "No trouble," he said as he kneeled to hug them both. "I have but a few minutes, but Helga was to have them come at my request."

  They boys hugged him with enthusiasm, and his heart warmed. He held them back at arm's distance so he could look at them.

  "Are you all better now?"

  "Aye," Hamon said, "we slept a lot. Have you fought a war already? Are you home now?"

  "Not quit yet," Andre replied with a chuckle. "God willing, I will not be fighting much this time. Instead, I am taking care of some things for the king. He cannot see to them himself because he is busy with the siege. My fondest wish is that he is done with me soon so I can come home to you and Rayne."

  "Me too," Hamon said.

  Jenri, as usual, said nothing. How Andre longed to hear him speak, just one word. He smiled at the boy. "Jenri, have you been playing with Lady Rayne? Is she well?"

  To Andre's utter surprise, Jenri spoke. "Sad," he said, his lip quivering. The word was weak, but he understood it.

  "My boy," Andre said, sweeping the younger boy into his arms and hugging him. "Who is sad?"

  Jenri did not speak again, but Andre was elated. He spoke! It was one word, but it was his first in a long time.

  Andre ruffled the curls on Jenri's head with his free hand and then gave the boy's arm a light squeeze. "Are you sad or is it Lady Rayne?"

  "Rayne," Hamon said. "She has been crying. I think she has a cut or she got hurt."

  "Aye, she did," Andre answered. "I will do my best to help her get better if I can."

  "You should. I don't like people to be sad. She cried like I did when I lost the wooden sword you made for me, Father."

  "I am sorry on both counts," Andre said. "I will make you a new one when I return, and we can see if we can make Rayne happy again. Does that sound good?"

  Hamon answered by giggling and stepping back, an imaginary sword in his hand. "I cannot wait."

  "Does that sound agreeable to you as well?" Andre asked, shifting his attentions back to Jenri.

  He nodded, and then spoke one more time, "Aye."

  The word was awkward, but Andre understood it. The tear that slid down his cheek was not for himself, or even Rayne, it was for Jenri. The boy had spoken. He could not remember the last time he had uttered more than a noise or a giggle. Unraveling the mess with Rayne was now even more important. All too soon, it was time to go.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The scene at Pevensey Castle could only be described as controlled chaos. Unlike battle where the troops swoop in and attack, the siege was simply setting up camp and waiting. Acrid smoke wafted through the air from the numerous fires. Men joked with each other around their tents, and shouts could be heard from undetermined sources. They sat upon dead logs and stones, scattered about the already littered grounds. It could only get worse from then on out.

  Tall catapults could be seen, about four within sight as Andre surveyed the area. Archers stood nearest the outer curtain wall of the castle, waiting for instructions to fire. Men and tents stretched out for as far as the eye could see. When Rufus had called up the fyrd to help him, he meant to make a statement. The king was not a dim-witted man. He knew getting in would take time. Somewhere, among the dirty masses, he would be found with all of the kingly appointments he could muster so far from London.

  William's great army had only been there a week, but already the smell of human waste was evident, discarded animal carcasses and fallen trees were everywhere. As much as he preferred siege, as the body count was far lower, the turmoil and inhumanity of it all was worse when men waited for other men to starve or surrender.

  He had stopped shortly before Pevensey, leaving Tillie with five of his men to wait for him at the manor house of Acton. Andre knew the man through court, and they often did business. Acton and his sons were shepherds, and they produced some of the best wools in the area. The man's wife had greeted them and offered the barn for the party to wait while Andre took the king's men to the siege.

  Andre surveyed the area. Acton and his sons were there somewhere, along with thousands of others awaiting the fall of the king's adversaries. He sat quite a way from Pevensey Castle. The men Rufus brought with him were both new to warfare and others were battle weary and experienced. They kept a safe distance from the walls lest they meet the nasty fate of being drenched in boiling oil tossed from atop. Even worse, one never knew when flaming arrows might fall from the walls, hitting a tent and burning those inside while they slept. A number of these men were brutish and rough, without a sense of right or wron
g. It made them great soldiers, but terrible human beings otherwise.

  "Nigel, take these men with you, and take a circle about. See if you can find Rufus. They are to report for orders from the king. Once you are finished, meet me right here. I need to find someone, so stay put should I not be back when you arrive. When you find William Rufus, tell him I will get to him soon."

  As Nigel rode away, Andre shook his head at Odo's choice of safe haven. Pevensey was landlocked, which meant it could be totally surrounded. The moat would not keep them safe long, not from an army like the one spread out before him. Supplies of food and water were probably plentiful inside, but it would not stay that way forever. Now that the lands were overrun by William and his faithful there was no hope of having any deliveries, and no messages would come or go. Odo's days were numbered. It was just a matter of time.

  Putting his hand up to his forehead to block out the sun, he surveyed the area again. Andre saw nothing but a sea of dirty tents. Bawdy laughter lingered in the air. He heard no feminine voices, nor did he expect to. He started his search for the mysterious James to see what a stable hand knew that could change his life.

  Andre led his destrier around the back of the camp, searching out where the king's temporary stables had been erected. James was a servant to the king; therefore, he would not be too far away. Even upon traveling, the king always took someone to care for his horses, so it made sense to look for James there first. Tillie was determined to find him, so Andre in turn, was not going to leave until he found him.

  Before long, he spotted the tents, which could only belong to the king. They were the biggest there and were also the only ones that seemed remotely clean. A few small buildings had been erected behind the woods, which he was reasonably sure included the stables. He would look there first. With a sense of urgency, he spurred his horse and motioned to the few men left with him to follow.

  They found James easily. He was a short man, with a full belly and bulging cheeks. His red nose protruded from his fleshy face at an odd angle, and graying hair sat squarely beneath a grimy hat he had pressed so far down his ears folded over. He moved with a slight limp, but seemed to be at ease with the horses under his care.