Redefining Rayne

by Amy Mullen

  Chapter Twenty-One

  When Rayne woke the next morning, the castle was eerily quiet. The sun was already up, and she had missed morning mass, but her emotional exhaustion overtook any attempt she made to wake before dawn. She decided to give in and went back into the sweet oblivion of sleep. It was as if she had only slept five minutes.

  Sleep had done little to settle her mind, as she was just as confused as she had been the night before. Tillie's words had hit the mark, and she now doubted everything she felt. Rayne wanted to believe her, but she did not know how to extend trust one more time. The flames had come too close to devouring her one too many times. Andre was almost too perfect, if what Tillie had said was true. No one had treated her with kindness yet in her life, with the exception of Tillie, and she saw no reason for that to change. It was just too hard, and she was tired of fighting it.

  The boys. Her delightful, amazing boys. Today she could tell Hamon and Jenri she was their mother. Something stopped her though. Something Andre had said made a lot of sense. How could she tell them she might take them from the only home they had known? They loved Andre, and she did not relish taking them away from him. How could she do this? A moment ago she thought of her own safety, the safety of her heart, but now, the boys were more important. How could she possibly make this decision on her own?

  No matter how angry she was with Andre, he would do right by the children. This was something she must do with him. What she had to do was figure out how to approach him without being too close, feeling too much, and giving in to the love that lingered in her heart.

  Rayne dressed and went to the great hall. Finding him was easy. She had done little with her appearance except change into a kirtle, wash her face, and run her fingers through her hair before tying it back. Bathing would wait.

  Andre sat at the dais. The hall was empty. It was nearly time for the midday meal, but all was silent. He sat with his back to her, an ale mug in his hands, staring off into the flames of the fire. It was dying down and offered little warmth.

  She trod as quietly as she could until she was nearly upon him. He did not turn to look, but offered a simple greeting, "Good day, Lady Rayne."

  His stiffness surprised her. It was as if he were addressing a stranger. She should be glad, but it shot daggers through her heart.

  "To what do I owe this honor?" he said in a monotone, still not looking in her direction.

  "Andre, I wish to speak with you about Hamon and Jenri."

  "They are with Aliza in the outer bailey if you wish to see them."

  "I do, but I do not want to see them without you."

  He rose slowly and then faced her. "And why is that? Do you want to tell them I kept their mother from them? That I held you in disdain for some odd reason and would not want you to be with them? You wish to take them from me, and I cannot and will not stop you."

  "Nay," she said quietly, taking in his pain. "I do not know what I feel any longer, but I do not wish to harm them. I am not sure taking them from you is the best for them either. I just do not know how to comprehend what has happened between us."

  "If my word is not enough, we have nothing."

  His words hit her hard. Was she being too hard on him? Was he honest? In what way could she know?

  "Trust, milady, is earned and given freely, but to take it away with no reason is cruel," he said. It was almost as if he could read her mind.

  "I have been bullied for so long, I do not know what trust is."

  "You do!" he said forcefully. "I have given you every reason to trust me. I have had you here to myself and have not dishonored you in any way. I could have taken you to my bed and had my way with you over and over until I tired of you. I could have indulged in your tempting body, and there would have been nothing you could have done about it. I have not, and I have shown you honor. I have given you all I can and trusted you, extended endless amounts of patience as you plotted to be set free, yet you cannot give me the benefit of doubting the word of Rufus, of all people, who has done nothing but lie. I did not have to tell you he accused me of knowing, yet I did. I couldn't believe you would accept that story, and yet you did."

  His words stung. They hit their mark because they were true. Why was she so ready to believe the king when he had been false at every turn? Andre deserved better, and perhaps she should think harder before she ran off with her children. He said he loved her, and she hadn't trusted it. Had she become so cynical she readily believed any lie that caused her pain but rejected love with ease? The pain dealt was harsh, and she did not know how to look for goodness and joy, for they had escaped her too often. She had tried to put all of that behind her, but the test was in doing it, not wishing it.

  It didn't matter now. She had time. At least, she hoped she had time. There was a lot to think about, and he would not force her out with her children should she become indecisive. The night before, she had been determined to let no one harm her again. No one would tell her what to do or rule her life. She only had to answer to God. Now, in the light of day, with Andre's angry and hurt eyes upon her, nothing was as simple as it had seemed. Was vulnerability a part of happiness? Should she trust and hope so she may truly fill the holes in her heart with this man she had begun to love?

  "Before we go any further, I wish you to come with me to speak to the boys. I do not want to frighten them. I will not make any decisions about the future other than to tell them I am their mother."

  "Thoughtful of you," he said.

  "Andre please," she said, "do not make this harder than it has to be. Do they understand what a mum is? I mean, they are so young."

  "They visit the village. They see other children with their mothers. Hamon has asked if Aliza is his mum. I had to answer him honestly. I believe Jenri understands as well. They know Aliza is their nurse and Geva died."

  "This will be hard on us all."

  "And of me?" Andre said.

  "I do not understand what you ask."

  "You have been so concerned with your own pain, you fail to consider mine. Mayhap the lady should think on that. I will speak to the boys with you. We shall take them down near the orchard before supper, should that please you."

  "I want to make this easy for them, but I fear they are too young to understand what has happened. I do not want to frighten them. I have been watching them, trying to think of the best way to tell them. This changes their lives, and I just want to scoop them up and never let them go, but I may scare them and confuse them. It has held me at bay. I want to know I am going to say the right thing before I see them. Mayhap a short version will be best?"

  "As you wish."

  "They cannot fear losing someone they love again."

  "That is the very thing you threaten me with, Rayne. You have stated you are taking the boys from me."

  "I meant they do not need to fear a stranger will take them from their mother again," she said. The conversation was not going as she had hoped.

  "We will tell them only what they need to know," he replied.

  "Indeed," she said. "Andre, I…"

  "Aye?" he said, turning away from her again.

  "Geva. She was mad. It must have been from stealing my children. At least, it seems to be a reasonable explanation. I do not make light of how the heart works when hers was broken of her own accord. I will use care with the boys."

  "Will you use care with me, Rayne?" His eyes were dull and lifeless as he spun around to face her once more and held her gaze. Her composure almost cracked.

  Rayne could do nothing but stare as emptiness enveloped her and weighed on her heart. She had her children back, so why was she suddenly feeling as if her world was ending?

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  An hour before sunset, when they reached the orchard, Jenri and Hamon were calm, almost as if they sensed something important was happening. Hamon was his usual chatty self, but he seemed more subdued as he talked. Rayne became more anxious about how they would take what she and Andre were about to tell
them.

  Out of the corner of her eye, she studied Andre. He lifted Hamon up to examine the apple tree as the small leaves caught the boy’s attention. Andre was still so handsome to her, but he was more than that. Claude had been good looking even as he began to indulge too much and move too little, but as his personality came to light, he seemed less and less attractive to her. The same had not happened with Andre. As she got to know him better, he became more endearing to her. He became more than the sum of his physical parts. His heart was just as wonderful as the rest of him.

  Rayne forced herself to stop looking as she sat down next to Jenri. He was looking at her solemnly, as if waiting for her to speak. She longed to hear him say just one word. Aliza had told her Jenri had spoken to Andre, but she had not heard a peep from him herself. How much would he suffer should she run away from Andre? Run away. That was all she had thought to do lately. Maybe it was not the answer, even if she had not come here of her own free will.

  Hamon giggled as Andre set him down. They settled together in the lush grass, and Hamon wiggled up on Andre's lap. Overwhelmed, Rayne struggled to find the words she wanted to say. This felt right, and her heart was melting, even as her brain screamed to get up and run.

  "I believe," Andre said, looking intently at Rayne, "that we have something to tell you."

  "Are you to marry?" Hamon said excitedly.

  "Well," Rayne managed to say, "We are going to talk about something else, if that is fine with you boys?"

  Jenri nodded and looked to Hamon for guidance.

  "I cannot speak, Andre, please…" Rayne said as her voice cracked.

  He studied her and then nodded. "Hamon and Jenri. I know you do not remember much about Geva…"

  "Our mum," Hamon said.

  "That is what we have to talk about. I know you remember little of her. Jenri, you probably don't remember her at all. 'Tis hard for you boys to understand, but she won't be coming back to be your mum."

  "Because she is in heaven." Hamon said. His lower lip protruded a bit and started to tremble.

  "This is good news, little man," Andre said as he gently took his tiny hand. "You have a mum you did not know about. She did not know you were her children or she would have always been with you."

  "I do not understand. I do not like this story," Hamon said.

  "'Tis a good story, Hamon, at least I hope you think so," Andre said and then settled his gaze on Rayne.

  "I am your mum," she said more bluntly than she wanted to. "At least, I am now. I love you both, and I will always carry you in my heart."

  "You are going to be my mum? Really and truly?" Hamon said.

  "Yes, I am here with you, and I love you. And, I know there is nowhere I would rather be than with you every single day," Rayne said, putting a hand out to touch Jenri to include him in the conversation. "Many things happened you cannot yet understand, but they are unimportant. Today, right now, this is what matters."

  The boys stared at her as she continued. Rayne gulped knowing she was not being entirely truthful with her sons. She hated it, but they would have plenty of time when they were older, should the need arise, to learn the real truth.

  "But you said you did not know if you would stay," Hamon said. A large tear fell down his cheek.

  "I am sorry you are upset, Hamon, but I do not want you to be afraid. There are no two people in the world more important to me than you both."

  Andre spoke up, "Lady Rayne loves you. She is your mum and always will be. She will never leave you."

  Jenri started to quietly cry, and he ran to sit on Andre's lap.

  "You love Lady Rayne, do you not?" Andre asked Hamon.

  "Aye. I want her to be my mum, but I do not want her to leave like our first mum. What will happen to me?"

  "I promise you," Rayne said, tears streaming down her face in earnest, "I will never willingly leave you. Ever. I will be with you so long as God wills it. I love you both."

  Both boys stared at her. She did not know what was going to happen. Her heart was slowly breaking. She wished them to be more excited, but she had to remember they were but five and four, and their understanding of these things was extremely limited.

  "Can you give your mum a hug?" Andre said, gently urging them from his lap.

  Without a word, both boys stepped to her. Their blue eyes were upon her and she was so overwhelmed by her emotions she almost grabbed them. She stopped, not wanting to scare them.

  Hamon jumped onto her lap and hugged her. "Can we play?"

  Jenri moved backward, an odd expression on his little face, and sat back down with Andre.

  "Of course we can," she said.

  "How about this," Andre said, "You can go play with Aliza for a little while so Rayne and I may speak. Once we are done we will come back and have a picnic in the orchard tonight. How does that sound?"

  "Oh, aye!" Hamon said. His eyes lit up as he grabbed Jenri's hand and they both jumped up and down.

  "Aliza awaits you near the inner bailey, see her?"

  "Aye," Hamon said as he spotted his nursemaid and he and his brother ran off to greet her.

  "Jenri hates me," Rayne said. Her voice blank and bland, she felt numb.

  "He is young," Andre said, stressing the last word. "Give him a little time. This is terribly hard for both to understand. Besides, I think it is best we get a few things sorted before they ask more questions, and they will."

  "I think you are right," Rayne said, standing and wiping imaginary dirt from her kirtle. "It is time to set things right."

  "Meet me atop the hill shortly. I will start a fire at our spot, and we will talk. We will have privacy there. I think we both know what is at stake here."

  ****

  Close to an hour later, she walked up the hill and set eyes on Andre. Her heart was already bruised, and she was not sure how much more uncertainty she could take. She had begun to realize love was more than the feeling. It was doing the right thing by someone and understanding the frailty of being human. He was strong, sure, and knew his place in the world. Few would question him on that. However, he had a heart too, and she sensed he was hurting — and worst of all it was her fault.

  The battle in her mind raged on as she sat down near the fire. The sky was overcast and darkening, so the fire helped warm her. Soon the summer would be in full bloom and such a fire would not be needed, but she liked it. The snaps and crackles reminded her of the special times they had spent here, getting to know each other, and sharing special moments. Fire consumed, but it also gave back. Was it so different from love?

  Rayne had to figure out whether she could truly leave him or not. The small things were getting to her. She adored the way he watched her over his mug when they ate, how he would chew on the side of his thumb when in deep thought, and most exceptionally, how he had been patient with her. She hadn't deserved it. When he neared, her pulse quickened, and if he walked away, she felt terribly alone. How had she missed those things? How had she dismissed them so easily? More importantly, how could she live without this man?

  She had changed. Rayne felt stronger and more at ease than she ever had. Being strong did not mean leaving everything behind. It meant choosing what mattered, and it meant choosing for herself for a change. It meant the freedom to walk away, but also the freedom to know when to stay.

  Wave after wave washed over her leaving her warm and alive. He had helped her tell the boys she was their mother, softening the blow even though he knew she might take them and leave. This man had remained calm and composed while she carried off one ridiculous ploy after another to be free of him. He had ridden all over the countryside to find out the truth about her children when he could have shrugged her off and moved on with his life.

  He loved her.

  Rayne's head went up, and she found him watching her.

  Blushing, she gestured for him to sit next to her. He did not move. Instead, he continued to watch her. Finally he cleared his throat as if to speak, but then said nothing.
r />   "I do not know what to do next," she admitted.

  "You have made it clear you want nothing to do with marriage to me, and I will have to accept that. However, I want you to hear me out first."

  "Andre, you do not have to tell me…"

  "Please, for a change, hear me out."

  Nodding, she positioned her body so she could offer him the attention he deserved.

  "You came here a wild woman. I only knew you were cousin to the king and he had to get you married off. He did not say why, and I did not ask. I was assured of your beauty and grace. My loyalty to Rufus is tied to his father, and he knows it, but he wanted to secure it. William the First saved my life once when I should have been protecting him. I promised to back his son. William Rufus thought a marriage between his cousin and me would strengthen my loyalty. That is how it is done, anyway."

  "I know," she said and then fell silent.

  "What I found was a woman afraid of her own shadow. You flinched when I neared. Yet, you possessed a strength I had to admire. Without blinking, you threw one challenge at me at a time, and kept them coming, and I saw who you truly are. I began to love you despite only wanting a wife so I could start a family. I did not just want you, I needed you."

  He paused as he gazed down at her. He was struggling for words so she gave him a moment. This was too important to rush.

  "And now, you want to leave me. I understand why, and I fear my own bumbling has led to this moment. Please do not mistake my loyalty to the king as anything but a love of my country. It is not personal. You are what matters, not him. I am not the smartest man when it comes to the ways of love, but I do love you, Rayne. I can only offer you what you see, and I only hope you take pity on me. I am strong and capable in battle, and yet, you reduce me to indecision and self-doubt."

  "I do not wish you to be unsure, Andre," Rayne said, standing to face him, "I only wish you to be you."

  "I cannot force you to stay, nor do I want to. If you stay, you stay because you want to. I do not care what the king wants anymore. I only care what you want. I love your sons, and now I love you. I offer you all I have here, but that is all I have to give."