First Down

by Paula Mabbel

  He thought he heard her crying in the shower.

  *****

  Alex hadn’t really slept that night, so he was already awake when he heard soft, hurried footsteps shuffling around the main room.

  When he got up to investigate, he found Danielle, fully dressed and back toward him, placing the last of her things into a large suitcase and snapping it shut.

  “Going somewhere?”

  She spun around, startled. She hadn’t expected him to be awake just yet, he could tell. He could also tell that she had planned to be long gone before he did.

  Her mouth worked for a few seconds, but no sound came out.

  He took a few steps toward her.

  She stepped back, smoothing her hands nervously on the front of her jeans.

  He reached out for her. She recoiled.

  “I’m not going to hurt you,” he said.

  Just then a car honked outside.

  Alex raised an eyebrow at her. “For you?”

  “It’s my mother,” she said finally. “I called her and told her to come pick me up. I’m going to stay with her for a little while.”

  Alex shook his head. “Stay. Let’s talk…work this out.”

  The car honked again.

  Danielle looked around as if searching for something, someone to reduce her. “I need time,” she whispered. “My mother’s waiting for me.”

  She picked up the suitcase and there a wary look in his direction. She was expecting him to try and stop her.

  But he didn’t.

  He figured it best to let her go.

  *****

  A month went by before Alex saw or spoke to his wife again.

  He was in the middle of a meeting with Igor, going over a proposed trade agreement with another influential family. It was an alliance that had been in the works for years now, and Alex was on the verge of finally making it happen.

  But he couldn’t concentrate.

  Igor, who had been very patient and grateful to learn a little more of the insides of the business, looked at him with sympathetic eyes. “Call her,” he said, finally. And then added, “Sir.”

  Alex sighed and then nodded and waved Igor out of his office. “We’ll finish this later.”

  Safely alone, he picked up the telephone and dialed Danielle’s mother’s number.

  There was no answer.

  He slammed the phone down and lowered his head to his desk.

  A minute later his phone rang.

  “Hello?”

  “You called?”

  He couldn’t tell if there was still anger or resentment in her voice. He just knew he was happy to hear it. “Yes. How have you been?”

  “Not too bad, considering. How are you?”

  “Good. Things are good,” he lied.

  “Oh,” she said. “That’s good to hear.”

  “I’m going to be in that area tomorrow for a meeting,” he lied again. “I was wondering if we could meet for lunch.”

  There was a pause on the line. Alex wound the phone cord tightly around his wrist as he waited for an answer.

  “OK.”

  “OK?”

  “Yes. I’d like that.”

  “I’ll send a car for you.”

  He wasn’t sure what he was going to say to her when he saw her.

  And true to form, words failed him when she entered the restaurant, and he smiled widely.

  “Hello,” she said simply as she approached the table.

  He stood, gave her a rather awkward hug and took her coat.

  They sat and made small talk and then Alex order for the both of them as was his custom.

  “Why did you ask me here?”

  Alex smiled. He had an answer all rehearsed for this question. But now, he simply said, “I miss you.”

  Danielle lowered her eyes and blushed. She didn’t answer, but she put her hand on his and gave it a small squeeze.

  When they finished lunch, he asked her to come back to the house with him. “I just want to show you something,” he added when she gave him a wary look.

  She hesitated but agreed after a minute.

  “Wait here,” he said when they entered the foyer.

  He disappeared and returned a little later with a small velvet box in his hands. He handed it to her.

  “What’s this?” she asked, opening it.

  Alex didn’t have to answer her. She let out a small gasp when she saw it. “Where did you find this?”

  It was the ring he’d gotten her, when he had first proposed. She lost it sometime later, and he’d gotten her a new one but losing this one never quite sat well with either of them.

  “Things have a way of turning up when you least expect them to.”

  She looked up at him and smiled. Then she threw her arms around him. “I missed you too,” she said in between kisses.

  She dropped her purse to the floor and allowed Alex to carry her into their bedroom.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t understand before,” he said, running his fingers through her hair. It was dark out. Moonlight shone through the window, illuminating her naked body as she lay peacefully in their bed. She turned to him and their eyes locked. “Will you come home now?”

  She smiled and nodded.

  The next day, Danielle was back with her suitcases.

  *****

  She had thrown up for the third time that week.

  Alex sat on the edge of the bathtub and held her hair back while she wretched. “Time to go to the doctor,” he said when she had finished.

  Neither of them said a word in the car. Alex held her hand the whole way inside and then waited patiently while watching silent TV wen she was called in.

  It didn’t take very long before the doctor emerged from the room. Alex rushed up to him. “Is she OK?” he asked. He was sure it wasn’t anything too series. But he as starting to worry nonetheless.

  To his surprise, the doctor smiled at him. “Why don’t you go in and see her?” he said and then walked away.

  Puzzled, Alex walked over to the examination room and knocked softly.

  “Come in,” he heard Danielle’s voice say. She was still putting her clothes back on, and he couldn’t help but smile upon seeing the smooth, brown skin of her back. He remembered how much he loved to hold his bare skin against her bare skin when they first starting dating. The contrast excited him.

  “Are you OK?” he asked.

  She turned to face him. The look on her face was hard to read.

  “I’m pregnant,” she said finally.

  In an instant, his blood turned to ice water. He knew this wasn’t the reaction he should be having, but he was having it anyway.

  Danielle took a step toward him, her eyes searching his. “Alex,” she whispered. “I swear it’s your baby.”

  He stepped forward and swept her into a hug, partly to comfort her and partly to conceal his face. He felt no warmth and took no pleasure in her embrace. “I know,” he whispered.

  And he did know. Intellectually.

  Still, everything went downhill from there.

  Danielle’s pregnancy dredged up all kinds of feelings for Alex. Feelings he was realizing now, that he never really dealt with. He had just buried them.

  Now it was all coming back to haunt them.

  Alex contemplated this over his fifth shot of vodka.

  He hadn’t been home in a week. He stayed out more frequently. He drank more.

  Anything to keep from facing Danielle and the baby growing inside her.

  Igor stood next to him at the bar. “How is she?” he asked. He would send Igor to check on her regularly, to make sure she was OK and that she had whatever she needed. If she asked where he was, she would be told simply that he was working.

  “You missed her first sonogram,” Igor replied.

  Alex shrugged and ordered another shot. He turned to Igor. “Want one?”

  Igor declined.

  Alex shrugged again. “Other than that?”

  “Everythi
ng is status quo, sir.”

  “Good.”

  “She thinks you hate her.”

  Alex nodded. “I do hate her,” she said bitterly. “Can’t stand the sight of her.”

  “But boss, she’s having your baby.”

  “Is she?”

  Igor didn't reply. He left the bar so that his boss wouldn't see the expression of pity on his face.

  When Alex returned home, he found the house empty.

  He looked in every room, but Danielle wasn’t there.

  When he went to the bedroom to put his things down, he found a note.

  She had left. Gone back to her mother’s the note had said.

  Alex shrugged. He balled the note up and threw it in the garbage.

  *****

  He showed up at Danielle’s mother’s house a week later.

  “I’ll make this quick,” he said when Danielle opened the door, and he placed the papers in her hands.

  She looked down at them and then back up to him with a look so incredulous he almost faltered.

  He clenched his jaw and doubled down. “Sign these.”

  In a flash, her expression went from disbelief to complete and utter rage. Once upon a time, this fire, this feistiness was what he loved most about her. She threw the papers at him. “No,” she yelled. “Absolutely not.”

  Alex began to pace. He thought he was prepared for an argument, but he was starting to second guess himself.

  Danielle followed him. “What happened? Everything was good.”

  “No,” he said. “It wasn’t. We were just pretending that it was.”

  “I wasn’t pretending.”

  “Danielle,” he stopped moving and looked at her. “It’s over.”

  “You don’t just get to decide that.” She was now pounding his chest with her tiny fists. “I’m pregnant for Christ’s sake!”

  “Don’t worry about the baby,” he said. “He’ll know who his father is.” He grabbed a pen from the kitchen counter and shoved it into her hands. “Sign.”

  For the longest time she stared up at him, jaw hanging open. Then she nodded slowly as if the realization that this was really happening had just set in. A single tear rolled down her cheek, and she scrawled her loopy signature on the papers.

  Alex snatched the papers from her and left before he could change his mind.

  Back at home, he sat in front of the fireplace with a ballpoint pen in one hand and a half-empty bottle of vodka in the other. Every time he brought the pen to the paper to sign his name, he stopped and took another swig from the bottle instead.

  It was no use.

  He shook his head and began to cry, tossing the papers into the flames before his tears could smudge them.

  *****

  Exactly one month later, Alex received a phone call in the middle of the night.

  He let the call go the voicemail but then checked his phone a minute later.

  It was from the hospital, the message said. His wife had been admitted again.

  Again? he thought.

  He tried calling back, but the person on the other line wouldn't give him any information over the phone. “Can you come down here?” she asked.

  “Sure.”

  He was hesitant, but dressed anyway and got into his car.

  The hospital was a good distance away, and he hoped there wasn’t some kind of emergency. On the drive, a page of guilt hit him. Your wife has been admitted again, the message had said. That meant Danielle had been tot he hospital more than once. He had node what was going on with her and the baby, and now he was starting to worry.

  When he arrived, he asked about Danielle at the front desk.

  “You’re Mr. Petrov?” asked the short, round nurse with more than a hint of disapproval in her voice.

  “Yes.”

  “Not that I’d know. Haven’t seen much of you.”

  Alex sighed audibly. “Look,” he said. “It’s complicated.”

  The nurse flipped through some papers.

  “Is Danielle OK?”

  “No,” she said flatly. “She’s been having a rough time and a very difficult pregnancy. There’s a real chance she may lose the baby.”

  Alex bit his lip. She’ll never forgive me if she loses this baby, he thought.

  The nurse gave him a sympathetic look. “Whatever it is,” she murmured. “Make it right. She needs you right now.”

  Alex nodded slowly, the full weight of what was going on sinking in finally. “May I see her?”

  The nurse jerked her head toward the adjacent hallway. “She’s sleeping so try not to wake her, but she’s just down the hall in room 502.”

  Alex made his way down to the room and let himself in, trying not to make too much noise.

  Danielle was sleeping, just as the nurse had said. She was so still; if it weren't for the heart monitor steadily beeping, he wouldn't even know she was alive.

  Alex could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, but he choked them back. He couldn’t afford to fall apart, not right now. Danielle needed him. Danielle and the baby.

  There was a chair next to the bed, and he went over and sat next to her. He put his hand on hers and let his head fall forward. After a minute or so, she stirred. The machine started to beep a little faster, and he lifted his head.

  Danielle was laying there, looking at me. The look on her face was expressionless, just staring.

  “Hey.”

  She didn't answer at first.

  The machine started to beep even faster.

  “I came as soon as I heard,” he continued, stumbling over his words. “Is is OK that I’m here?”

  In response, Danielle started to cry.

  “What’s the matter?” Alex whispered, on the verge of tears himself.

  “I’m scared.” She could barely choke the words out.

  He got up and hoisted himself into the hospital bed next to her. He put his arm around her, and she leaned her head against his chest.

  “What are you even doing here?” she sobbed.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were having problems with the pregnancy?” he asked.

  “I don’t know,” said Danielle between tiny gasps for breath. “Maybe because you were too busy divorcing me.”

  She stopped crying and then looked up at him questioningly. “Why do you still have your wedding ring on?”

  He smiled down at her. “I could ask you the same thing.”

  She sat up now, looking him straight in the eye.

  “I never filed the papers,” he said. “I burned them in fact.”

  Danielle lay back down without a word.

  “You’re cruel,” she said after awhile.

  “I know,” Alex whispered into her hair. “I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t think sorry is quite going to cut it this time, Alex.”

  “I know that, too.”

  They laid like that for a long time, him caressing her hair until she fell asleep against his chest.

  Early the next morning, Alex snuck out of Danielle’s hospital room to pick a few things while she slept.

  He had a choice to make. And he’s made it.

  When he arrived back at the hospital, she was dressed and putting the last of her things into her purse.

  “Good,” he said. “I caught you.”

  She looked at him, expressionless. “I thought you’d gone.”

  “Just for a little bit. They’re discharging you?”

  She folded her arms. “Yes. What are you doing here?”

  “I’m here to drive you home.”

  Danielle agreed to let Alex drive her home, but she said nothing to him in the car. And she looked at him early when he insisted on helping her bring her things inside.