Because of You

by E. L. Todd

  “Sure.”

  “And then there is a showcase in the park. We can go to that afterwards.”

  “That sounds nice.”

  He rose from the couch and headed to the door. I followed.

  “I’ll see you then,” he said. He didn’t make a move to touch me. It was like he was afraid I might misjudge his intentions.

  “When?” I asked with a laugh.

  “Oh, sorry.” He laughed. “Thursday?”

  “I’m free.”

  “Glad to hear it. Have a good day.” He put his hands in his pockets then walked away.

  When he was gone, I reflected on the date. Pike was different than other men. He was unusually honest about everything he said, but he said it in such a way that it was always positive. Sometimes he expressed emotions most men would never admit. He prided himself for being different, for wanting something deeper than most people our age wanted. When he told me he was really an older man trapped inside a young person’s body, he was absolutely right. It was nice to meet someone that was nothing like Arsen. Pike understood his feelings, and seemed perfectly capable of giving and accepting love. I felt like he was the stronger of the two of us, and that was a nice change. He understood my worth and thought I was special. To Arsen, I was just one of many. I knew I shouldn’t compare because they were totally different, but Arsen was all I’d ever known.

  In a complicated way, I still loved Arsen. Even after everything he did to me, I couldn’t deny how much I cared about him. It was inexplicable and didn’t make any sense, but that didn’t make those emotions untrue. Would I always feel this way? Was that normal?

  I wanted to move on and be happy, to be in a normal and healthy relationship. And I had a feeling Pike would take me there.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Roland

  When I woke, everything came flooding back to me. I remembered what happened with Heath. I remembered the feel of his mouth against mine, the way his lips parted and he breathed into my mouth, and the sensation of his hands touching my skin.

  I remembered everything.

  I sat up and saw Heath lying beside me. He was wearing the same clothes as before, and when I looked down, I realized I was too.

  What the hell am I doing?

  I got out of bed quietly then left the room. After I grabbed my keys and phone, I got the hell out of there.

  Once I was in my own apartment, I tried to understand where my head was. What was I doing? Why the hell did I kiss Heath? I wasn’t gay. I liked women. I’d been with tons of women, and I never regretted a single one. Well, maybe Jasmine. But that was it.

  I paced my room and gripped my skull. My blood was pounding in my ears, and my heart was thudding so hard against my chest it hurt. God, what the hell was going on? How could I possibly be gay? When I kissed Heath, I liked it. Why? Why did I like it? Heath was just a friend…but then he wasn’t…ugh, I don’t know.

  Out of desperation, I texted Jasmine. What are you doing?

  I was sleeping…

  Can I come over?

  Why?

  I want to have sex with you.

  Well, thanks for being so romantic about it…

  Look, I know I’m good in bed and I can make you come. You aren’t seeing anybody and neither am I. That I knew of.

  Last time I checked, you were gay.

  I’m not gay! Can I come over or what?

  She waited a long time to respond. Fine. Whatever.

  I left my apartment then ran to hers.

  ***

  When she opened the door, she was wearing skintight yoga pants and a t-shirt that was so thin it was practically see-through. “You didn’t even bring me coffee?”

  I shut the door behind me then grabbed her face. I kissed her hard on the mouth, not caring if she hadn’t brushed her teeth yet, and pinned her to the refrigerator. I’d already kissed her before, so there wasn’t any surprise. She was a good kisser, and I enjoyed it.

  Jasmine was into it just as quickly. She wrapped her arms around my neck and clung to me. Her mouth devoured mine like she hadn’t had human contact in forever. I guided her to her bedroom then we fell on the bed.

  We undressed quickly, and after I put on a condom, I slid inside her. She was wet and warm, and we moved together like we were desperate to get off. As I fucked her hard into the mattress, I enjoyed it. My cock felt good, and I liked staring at her perky tits. I gave her my best moves so I could bring her to a climax, and then when I felt the usual burn deep in my stomach, I released and felt the orgasm flood my body. I tensed and breathed hard until I was completely done.

  After I cleaned off, I lay beside her.

  Okay…now I’m more confused.

  Jasmine was quiet, so I assumed she was satisfied. She pulled the covers over herself and sighed happily.

  I stared at the ceiling and tried to make sense of what was going on. I kissed Heath and I liked it. But I fucked Jasmine and I liked that too. Then why did I kiss Heath at all? Was I drunk? Maybe I got caught up in the evening, or maybe I was so relieved he wasn’t mad at me that I became too emotional.

  I wasn’t sure. I knew Heath wasn’t just a friend. There was something more going on. But what?

  Last night was just a fluke, an experiment with my sexuality. It was a stupid decision and I was out of my mind. I was totally, completely straight. I fucked Jasmine before I kissed Heath, and then I fucked her after I kissed Heath with the same results.

  I. Was. Straight.

  ***

  Heath called all weekend, and I never answered. I didn’t want to talk to him right now, mainly because I didn’t know what to say. He came by my apartment a few times and I pretended I wasn’t home. When he left voicemails, I didn’t listen to them.

  The following morning, I knew I wouldn’t be able to dodge him. Since we worked together, he’d corner me at some point. I wasn’t looking forward to the conversation, but I knew it couldn’t be avoided forever.

  When I walked into the office, I didn’t look at Heath once. I went to my desk and kept my head down. I normally kept my door opened, but this time I made sure it was closed. Then I got to work and hoped Heath wouldn’t bother me.

  Fortunately, he didn’t. Talking about what happened the other night wasn’t professional, and if I had it my way, I’d prefer to pretend it never happened. That would make my life a lot easier.

  At the end of the day, I lingered and waited for him to leave first. People started to turn off their lights in their cubicles and leave the office, but I remained behind, waiting for Heath to walk out.

  He never did.

  I knew he wouldn’t leave until I stepped out of my office. He was lurking out there, prepared to catch me the second he could. I’d be willing to sleep in my office if I had to, but that would only be a temporary fix. If not, today, Heath would track me down tomorrow.

  I sighed then turned of the lights and walked out.

  Like I expected, the sound of feet came behind me.

  I headed to the stairs so I wouldn’t be trapped in the elevator with him. I got into the stairwell and moved quickly.

  “Fucking coward.” Heath was right behind me.

  I kept going.

  “You’re just never going to talk to me again?” His shoes tapped against the concrete as he walked. “After everything we’ve been through, you’re just going to forget about me like I never existed?”

  I only had a few more floors to go. I just had to get out of there and head home.

  “Roland!”

  Heath never yelled like that before. I knew he was hurt. And that made me hate myself a little bit. When I reached the door, I turned the handle.

  Heath grabbed me then threw me against the other wall. “What the fuck? We have a night together and then you just forget about me? You dodge me like I’m some dirty mistake?”

  That last thing I needed was someone to overhear this. “Let’s have this conversation somewhere else…”

  “I’d love to,” he said a
ngrily. “But you clearly don’t want to have it at all. So this will have to do.” He stared me down with blazing eyes. “Your plan was to avoid me forever until I accepted it? So, you don’t even care about our friendship?” The disappointed was etched into every feature of his face. “Fuck you, Roland.”

  “I’m not gay.” That was all I could say.

  “It didn’t seem like it when we made out for five hours.”

  I glanced up the stairs then back at him. “Keep it down.”

  “No! I’m not ashamed of who I am or what I do in the privacy of my home. You shouldn’t be either.”

  “I’m not gay,” I repeated.

  “Your tongue said otherwise when it was in my mouth.”

  “I was drunk—”

  “Ha!” he said sarcastically. “I would never let our first kiss happen when you were drunk. If that were the case, I would have kissed you when you showed up at my apartment that one night.”

  “I like women,” I said. “Not men.”

  “Why do you keep saying that?” he asked. “Are you hoping if you say it enough times you’ll believe it?”

  “I know I like women,” I snapped. “I just fucked one the other night.”

  Hurt came into his eyes. “You slept with someone?”

  “A girl,” I said. “And I liked it. I’m not gay.”

  He gave me a cold look. “Did it ever cross your mind that you might be bi?”

  “I like women,” I repeated.

  “Are you a parrot?” he snapped. “Is that all you know how to say?”

  “I keep saying it because you don’t believe me.”

  He gripped his skull and let out a small scream. “Roland, it’s okay if you’re bi. I know tons of people who enjoy both sexes. I understand it confuses you. I get it. But don’t push me away and make me feel like shit in the process. I’m your best friend and the only person who knows what you’re going through right now. Open up and talk to me. Do not shut me out!”

  I tried to get around him. “Just leave me alone.”

  He grabbed me again and shoved me back. “No.” He threw his body against mine then sealed his lips over mine.

  I didn’t know what was happening, but I recognized the heat that sparked the moment we touched. I was trying to get away from him just a second ago, and now the feel of his lips swayed me. Then I came to my senses and pushed him away. “I’m straight!”

  He gave me a pissed look. “Why are you in denial?”

  “Because I don’t like men.”

  “You’re such a damn liar!”

  “Just get away from me, alright? I mean it.”

  “Get away from you?” he asked sadly. “We’ve been friends for almost a year and now you just want to drop me? I mean that little to you?”

  “I can’t be friends with someone who keeps trying to make a move on me.”

  “Oh really?” he asked sarcastically. “All this shit started when you came to my door and asked if I was attracted to you. You’re the one who grabbed my hand and asked me to never let you go. All of this is happening because of that moment when you told me you loved me.”

  “I never said that!”

  “You didn’t need to!” His eyes were wide and fierce.

  “Get the hell away from me.” I moved passed him and reached for the door.

  “You know what?” He didn’t turn around and look at me. “I’ve been through too much shit to put up with this. I don’t deserve to be treated like this, so if this is how it ends, then fine. You’re the one missing out. And when you pull your head out of your ass and realize what you’re missing, it’ll be too late.” He didn’t turn around. He stared at the concrete wall, breathing hard.

  I didn’t say another word and slipped out.

  ***

  I spent the next week not thinking about Heath. It was hard to accomplish. Whenever I played a video game, I would think of him. In the newspaper, there was a review of the play we just watched. When that reminded me of him, I threw it away. Anytime I saw a blonde male, he came into my thoughts.

  And he came into my thoughts for no reason at all.

  Whenever I was at work, Heath acted like I didn’t exist. He never looked at me, and when he handed me his article, he tossed the drive on my desk and never met my gaze. He turned around quicker than I could glance at him.

  He never called me or stopped by my apartment. He finally left me alone and didn’t try to engage a conversation.

  As time passed, I started to grow cold. Something was missing from my life and I couldn’t put my thumb on what it was. The blue sky faded to gray, and the vibrant green of the trees lost their hue. The beauty of life seemed to fade.

  Whenever something funny happened in my life, my natural instinct was to text Heath and tell him about it. When I realized we weren’t friends anymore, I felt a pain deep in my chest.

  I started to feel lost, like I wasn’t sure which direction I was going or where I’d come from. Everything was a blur.

  Jasmine texted me one afternoon. Want to come over?

  Not really, but I was lonely. Sure.

  See you in an hour?

  Yeah.

  When I arrived at her apartment, she was wearing slutty lingerie. The sight didn’t excite me like it should have. She took one look at me and knew something was wrong.

  “Everything all right?” she asked.

  “I’m fine,” I said in a tired voice. I sat on the couch and looked out her window.

  She watched me for a moment before she sat beside me. “Do you need to go to the hospital?”

  “Why would you ask that?”

  “Because I’m wearing lingerie and you don’t even care.”

  “Well, I guess…I’m just stressed out right now.”

  She pulled on a robe and covered herself. She sat beside me again. “You want to talk about it?”

  I had no one to confess my secrets to. I couldn’t tell any of my friends because they would judge me. Conrad would tease me for the rest of my life, and everyone would see me differently. I couldn’t talk to Heath because it made me uncomfortable. Jasmine was all I had. “Well…it’s complicated.”

  “Try me.”

  “It’s just…have you ever done something you’re so ashamed of you can’t even say it out loud?”

  “No,” she said simply. “I’ve been ashamed but not to that extent.”

  I rubbed my knuckles, unsure what to do.

  “Roland, just tell me.”

  “You can’t tell anyone, okay?”

  “Whom would I tell?” she asked.

  “I don’t know…Cayson.”

  “We aren’t speaking,” she said. “And I doubt we ever will again.”

  That made me feel better.

  She patted my hand. “Talk to me, Roland.”

  “I…I did something I’ve never done before.”

  “You need to give me more than that,” she said patiently.

  I covered my face like it would make it easier. “I…the other night…I was with Heath and…”

  She stayed quiet.

  “And we kissed.” I couldn’t believe I said it to another living soul. Someone else knew my secret. Now there was no going back. I dropped my hand and looked at her.

  She nodded her head slowly. “You slept with me for reassurance.”

  I didn’t answer her. “I’m not gay. I’m not.”

  She crossed her legs. “Well, did you like kissing him?”

  “No.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “If you didn’t like it, then why did you kiss him?”

  “He kissed me.”

  “Did you pull away?”

  “No…”

  “How long did you kiss for?” She kept her voice calm, like I didn’t just tell her a dark secret.

  I shrugged. “I can’t remember.”

  “For a second?”

  I sighed. “More like a few hours.”

  She didn’t react in any particular way. “Roland, it’s okay if you like
men.”

  “But I like women! I just had sex with you and I liked it.”

  “There are a lot of bi people in the world. There’s nothing weird about it.”

  I covered my face again. “I’ve never had these types of feelings for a guy before. Ever since we met, it’s been different…”

  “When did you know he was gay?”

  “A few months ago.”

  “And you felt this way before you found out?” she asked.

  “I guess…”

  “It sounds like he means something to you.”

  “I suppose.”

  She rubbed my back and pulled down my hands. “When you kissed him, did it feel like when you kiss me?”

  “No,” I said immediately.

  “What’s the difference?” she asked. She hooked her arm through mine and rested her elbow on my knee.

  I tried to think of the best way to describe it. “It’s quiet…”

  “What else?”

  “It feels like time slowed down but sped up at the same time. I could hear his breathing like I could hear my own. My heart had never beat so hard and so fast. Every part of my body felt like it was on fire. Even my fingers tingled. He gave me part of him but I needed more…”

  She hung on every word.

  “It felt so good, so it hurt…if that makes any sense. I could feel his soul and his heart in his kiss. It was like kissing a best friend…but with more. I’d never felt so much adrenaline and so much pleasure. Kissing him was better than any sex I’ve ever had.” I stared at the ground and replayed the moment in my mind.

  “I think you’ve fallen in love with Heath, and that’s why you’re confused. You’ve liked girls your whole life, but you’ve never been in love with one before, right?”

  “No,” I answered.

  “And now you’re in love with a guy. Naturally, you’re attracted to him.”

  “I don’t know if I’m in love…”

  “Believe me, you are. With a description like that…”

  “I just…even if that’s true, what does that mean?”

  “It means,” she said calmly. “That you’re in love with Heath, and you want to be with him. He makes you happy, so be with him.”

  “But, I’m not gay.”

  “You are gay,” she said.

  “But—”

  “And you’re straight,” she said. “I bet if you fooled around with him more, you’d prefer men exclusively.”