by Joan Jonker
When the tea was made, the two mates sat facing each other. ‘Shall I leave the necklaces here, girl?’ Nellie asked. ‘Yer could hide them in yer wardrobe.’
‘I most certainly will not! You’ll do the job properly, or don’t bother at all! They are presents for two girls for their sixteenth birthdays. The necklaces are lovely, and the girls will be so excited about them. The least you can do is wrap them up in nice paper, and hand them over gracefully with a smile and a kiss.’
Nellie chuckled. ‘Blimey, yer’ll make a lady of me yet. The next thing, yer’ll have me saying please and thank you.
It was Molly’s turn to chuckle. ‘That’ll be the day, Nellie Mac, when you say “please” and “thank you”. I’d think yer were sickening for something and send for the doctor.’
‘You never know, girl, stranger things have happened. I could end up being a real goody-goody, like you.’ The table braced itself for an onslaught. And only just in time, for in moments it was being bounced up by Nellie’s tummy, and down by her bosom. The floorboards were slow in acting, but they were soon heard to be creaking and groaning. ‘Ay, girl, can yer imagine what it would be like if I was as good-living as you? Life wouldn’t be worth living, would it? No swearing, and no dirty jokes.’ Nellie’s face was so creased with laughter, her eyes had disappeared. ‘George would think I’d turned into one of those religious maniacs, and he’d have me put in a monastery.’
The table and the floorboards thought that was really funny, and their creaking increased to join Nellie’s laughter. But Molly’s face remained straight, and not even a titter left her mouth. She was bursting to laugh, and to keep the straight face she’d bitten the inside of her mouth so hard she thought she could taste blood. It wasn’t until there was a break in her mate’s loud laughter that she spoke. ‘Your George would be doing you a favour if he put yer in a monastery, sunshine. You’d love it. It would be right up your street.’
The tears were still rolling down the little woman’s chubby face, but Molly’s words did have some effect. After wiping her cheeks with the back of her hands, and then wiping her hands down her coat, Nellie croaked, ‘What d’yer mean, girl? I wouldn’t want to go in no monastery with a load of women what had never married, and don’t swear or drink milk stout.’ Her chins agreed with her head: that wouldn’t be a good life for Nellie. ‘No, my George wouldn’t do that to me. And how can me best mate say it would be right up my street?’
‘Well, yer see, sunshine, yer’ve got yerself a bit mixed up. A monastery is a place for monks. And as yer should know, monks are men. Convents are for nuns.’ Molly waited until her mate had taken in this information, then said, ‘If I were in your shoes, sunshine, I’d be having a word with your friend Saint Peter when yer go to bed tonight. Explain and apologize, before he crosses yer off the list of people he has down in his book for a seat on the front row in heaven. Better to be sure than sorry.’
‘You’re right there, girl, I’ll do that.’ Nellie lowered her head while wondering what contortion she needed to put on her face to show remorse. When she was satisfied, she faced Molly. The laughter was still bubbling inside her, but to release it now would spoil the fun. And she hadn’t finished with her mate yet. ‘And when I’ve said me prayers, I’ll tell George to keep his hands off me, ’cos I’m celebrate.’
Molly was flummoxed. ‘What have yer got to celebrate, Nellie? It’s not yer birthday. And a toasted teacake in Reece’s is no cause for a celebration. Unless it’s me that’s going doolally and forgetting something.’ Then Molly understood. It came to her in a flash, but she didn’t let it show. ‘Aren’t yer going to tell me what the happy occasion is that ye’re going to celebrate?’
Nellie tutted with impatience. ‘What’s up with yer, girl, are yer losing yer touch? I’ll say it slowly so yer can understand. Tonight I am going to be like those nuns in the convent. Them what have never got married. Now do yer know what I mean?’
Molly kept up the pretence. ‘Not really, sunshine. I’m trying to, I really am, but what have the nuns got that you would want to celebrate? And where does George come into it?’
The little woman was really getting het up now. ‘I’ll say it slowly, girl, ’cos I’m beginning to think ye’re losing yer marbles. Nuns never get married, do they? Never have a man, like? Well, I’m going to be like one of them tonight.’
Molly’s mouth opened at the same time as she banged a fist down on the table. ‘Oh, yer mean celibate, sunshine! Why didn’t yer say that in the first place?’
Nellie’s eyes narrowed as she ground her teeth together. ‘If yer weren’t going deaf as well as daft, yer’d have heard me say it.’
‘So there’ll be no hanky-panky for George tonight? Is that what it boils down to? And that’s what we wasted the last half hour on?’
Nellie nodded. ‘Yeah, it is, girl. But it was a laugh, and helped pass the time away. I mean it was better than us just looking at each other across the table. It’s not as if either of us look like Doris Day.’
‘You speak for yerself, sunshine, yer don’t have to insult me as well. And it’s about time yer were on yer way, so I can start on the dinner.’
With reluctance, Nellie pushed her chair back. ‘Are we going round to Flora’s after dinner, to see what’s happened? If the police have been?’
‘Not tonight, sunshine, ’cos don’t forget Corker’s coming to see how we got on at the police station. He’ll be here at half seven, so come at the same time. We’ll go to Flora’s in the morning and stay with her for a while, ’cos we haven’t much on tomorrow, thank goodness. I can get some housework done.’ Molly put an arm round Nellie’s shoulder. ‘I’II come to the door with yer.’
‘I’ll see yer at half seven, then, girl. Ta-ra for now.’
‘Ta-ra, sunshine, and just in case we don’t get any time to talk on our own tonight, give George a break and don’t become celibate.’
‘I’m not that daft, girl. George and cream slices are my luxuries in life. And you’re my best mate.’ As she waddled towards her house, she called, ‘I’m a very lucky woman, Molly Bennett, and don’t I know it!’
As Corker closed the front door behind him, he felt a presence, and turned to find Nellie grinning up at him. ‘In the name of God, Nellie, me darlin’, yer gave me a start. I could have turned round in a hurry and knocked yer flying.’
‘I’m only little, Corker, but there’s plenty of me.’
‘Oh, I know that, me darlin’, and I’d not be taking any chances with yer. I’m on me way next door, and as I’m presuming that is also your destination, allow me to escort you.’
‘As long as it’s not me voluptuous body ye’re after, then that’s okay with me.’
It was Corker’s loud guffaw that had Molly rushing to open the door, and when she saw her mate standing beside him she shook her head. ‘Were you at the window again, watching out for him?’
Again Corker’s guffaw could be heard in the street. ‘No, not the window tonight, Molly. She met me at the front door.’
‘Oh dear, oh dear,’ Molly said, wagging a finger at her mate. ‘Yer’ll have the neighbours talking, Nellie Mac, and if Ellen hears ye’re chasing her husband, she’ll have yer guts for garters.’
With a cheeky grin, the little woman dusted her hands together. ‘Oh, I could easy deal with Ellen, she’s small fry.’
‘Oh, get in, the pair of yer.’ Molly held the door wide. ‘Ye’re both as daft as each other.’ Then, when she was closing the door after them, a little demon whispered in her ear that she should share a joke with her friends. After all, that’s what friends were for. ‘Oh, Corker, if Nellie tells yer she’s celebrate, she doesn’t mean what you’ll think she does.’
Corker greeted Jack, then, intrigued by Molly’s remark, he said, ‘Tell me more. Yer’ve aroused my curiosity now. Are yer celebrating, Nellie, or are yer not celebrating?’
Busy lifting her carver chair, Nellie jerked her head at Molly. ‘You tell him, clever clogs, then we can all ha
ve a good laugh when yer face turns the colour of beetroot.’
Oh, my God, she’s got her own back, Molly thought. Trust my mate to turn the tables on me. I should have had more sense.
By this time Nellie was seated comfortably in her favourite chair, and feeling mischievous. ‘Go on, girl, don’t keep the men waiting.’ The little woman would have bet a pound to a penny that Molly hadn’t told Jack. She knew her mate well. Even with her own husband she was shy. It was a mystery how she came to have four children. ‘Hurry up, girl, or Corker will be too late for a pint the way ye’re carrying on. Ye’re too ruddy slow to catch a cold.’
Molly made a quick decision. She’d turn the tables for a change. ‘I’ve forgotten all that was said, Nellie, or how it came about. But I do remember it was very funny, so you tell the men while I make a pot of tea. Go on, sunshine, yer enjoy a laugh yerself.’ With that parting shot, Molly hastened to the kitchen, telling herself she’d got out of that nicely. And if she put the kettle on a low light, the tale would be well told by the time it boiled. And her blushes would be spared.
Molly leaned back against the sink and folded her arms. She hummed to herself so she couldn’t hear Nellie’s voice, and when the guffaws began, she hummed as loud as she could. But she had a smile on her face.
Jack poked his head round the door. ‘Yer can come in now, love, but I don’t know why yer had to hide away. There was nothing embarrassing, just a damn good laugh.’
‘I know it was, love, because don’t forget I was part of it. But ten to one, I bet Nellie would have added a lot more to it, just to see me blush.’ Molly pushed him aside to get to the stove. ‘I’ll bring the tea through in a minute.’
Nellie’s voice sailed through. ‘Shall I give yer a hand, girl?’
‘No, it’s all right, sunshine, I’ll see to it. You can be telling the men how we got on at the police station. But leave out the part where yer sat on the detective inspector’s knee. Now that was really embarrassing.’
Molly had the teapot in her hand when she heard Nellie say, ‘See, she has got a sense of humour. She only pretends to be miserable, but she’s not really.’
When the tray was set, Molly carried it through. ‘I’m not going to make any comment on that last remark, Nellie McDonough. I’ll not attempt to defend the indefensible.’ With a sharp nod of her head, she placed the tray in the centre of the table. ‘I’ll let you pour, Nellie. You can be mother.’
The little woman gave her daggers as she lifted her bosom so she could reach the teapot. ‘I’m sure you make words up as yer go along, Molly Bennett. I’ve never heard nobody else using those long words yer come out with.’
‘How many times have I told yer to buy yerself a dictionary, sunshine, so yer can look them up yerself?’
‘And how many times have I told you that a dictionary would not be a scrap of use to me. Yer have to be able to spell the bleeding words before yer can look them up.’
Jack and Corker chortled. Nellie had an answer for everything, and it would take a good one to get the better of her. ‘Now we’re settled with a cup of tea in front of us, are yer going to tell me how yer got on at the police station?’ Corker asked. ‘It’s been on me mind all day. Did it go well?’
‘I’ll let Nellie tell yer,’ Molly said. ‘She was the brains, and the actress, today. I only sat and listened. She’ll tell yer in her own words. But before she starts, I’d like to say she is a belter. Absolutely brilliant.’ She winked at her best mate. ‘Go on, sunshine, word for word. Don’t leave anything out.’
Nellie was in her element. There was nothing she liked better than being centre stage. And her facial expressions, plus hand motions, went with the words as the tale was unfolded. For once the little woman was serious, and the story could not have been more interesting or factual if it had been told by a highly educated person who would, as Nellie might say, speak with a plum in her mouth.
When Nellie had finished, Corker shook his head in amazement. ‘Nellie, you leave me speechless. No one could have done it better, and I’m sure Molly and Jack will agree with me. Ye’re a woman with hidden talents, and you don’t always do yerself justice.’
Now Nellie loved compliments; she blossomed when being praised. But she didn’t love them more than she loved her best mate, and she wanted her to share the credit. ‘That’s very nice of yer to say so, but I didn’t do it on me own. I wouldn’t have even dared walk up the steps of the police station if Molly hadn’t been with me. It was knowing me mate was sitting next to me, ready to back me up, that gave me the courage. And we’ll both say the same about Inspector Willard: he’s a lovely man. Treated us like ladies, he did. No looking down his nose at us, like some in his position would do. Am I right, girl?’
‘Yes, sunshine, Inspector Willard is a real gentleman. And he did treat us well. But I don’t agree with yer when yer say some would look down their noses at us. It’s never happened to me, and while I’ve been in your company it’s never happened to you. I’m fed up telling yer, Nellie, that ye’re as good as anyone, and better than some.’
‘Hear, hear!’ Corker said. ‘Ellen aside, I don’t know anyone who comes close to you two. And what you did today, well, I don’t know a soul that would have had the guts to do it.’
‘I wonder how the inspector got on with Flora?’ Jack said. ‘It would be a terrible shock for her. Wonderful, but initially a shock. It’s to be hoped he was gentle with her.’
‘Oh, he would be,’ Molly said. ‘He’s a really nice bloke.’
‘Do yer think he believed the story yer told?’ Corker asked. For it all seemed to have been too easy to be true. ‘He didn’t ask yer loads of questions?’
‘No, he just said he was pleased the watch had been found for Mrs Parker’s sake, and that they would still go on with their enquiries, to try and find the culprit. That’s about it, really, and I don’t think he suspected anything untoward.’ Molly sighed, ‘Nice as he was, though, I was glad to get out of that station.’
‘When will you be seeing Flora again?’ Corker asked. ‘I know I can’t be seen to be involved, but I’d love to see the happiness on the old lady’s face.’
‘And you should be allowed to.’ Molly felt very strongly about this. ‘Without you, Flora would never have seen that watch again. You did the hard work, and me and Nellie just did the easy bit. In fact I didn’t do anything.’
‘We’ll be going to Flora’s tomorrow, won’t we, girl?’ Nellie tilted her head. ‘We could mention that Corker is always asking after her, and, in an off-hand way, say we might walk round with him one night. How about that?’
‘Yes, of course,’ Molly said. ‘She’d be chuffed to have a handsome man visit her.’
‘Ay, ay,’ Jack said. ‘What about me? Or aren’t I handsome enough?’
Molly leaned sideways and gave her husband a sloppy kiss. ‘Yer’d win the most handsome man contest if I was one of the judges, sunshine. And Flora would be doubly delighted to have two men visit her. Me and Nellie will see how she is tomorrow, whether she’s up to visitors. It may take her a few days to settle down after the excitement.’
Nellie nodded. ‘Yeah, we’ll meet same time tomorrow night. So set yer watches to the same time.’
‘Nellie, you and me haven’t got watches.’
‘Then we’ll watch the bleeding clock, girl! Any port in a storm, as my old ma used to say.’
Chapter Twenty Five
When Molly and Nellie called at Doreen’s the following morning to pick up her shopping list, they were in for a pleasant surprise. For Molly’s daughter had the list in her hand, and a smile on her face which stretched from ear to ear.
Molly could feel her heart lifting with relief. ‘Oh, sunshine, it’s a treat to see that smile. Is Bobby better, then?’
‘He slept all night, Mam. I never had to get up once for him. And his temperature has gone down, so that’s good, isn’t it? Phil went to work this morning with a spring in his step. And Aunt Vicky’s got a permanent smile on he
r face. She’s been really worried about him.’
‘She’s not used to babies, love, seeing as she never had a family of her own. What about his rash, has that gone away at all?’
‘It has a bit, yeah.’ Doreen was as happy as it was possible to be. First baby, and she wouldn’t tell anyone because they’d say she was daft, but she’d really thought the baby was going to die. And although Phil had tried to make light of her fears, she knew he was also worried. ‘I won’t ask yer in today, Mam and Auntie Nellie, but if he’s better tomorrow, will yer come for ten minutes? He’ll be really pleased to see yer both.’
‘I’ll be all right to come in, once me and Nellie have done our shopping. I’ve only got yer dad’s dinner to worry about, ’cos Ruthie is going into town straight from work with Bella. They’re going to buy their dresses. Me and Mary decided we’d let them keep all their wages this week, as a birthday present. And anyone listening would have thought we’d given them the crown jewels.’
‘If Bobby hadn’t got sick, I could have made dresses for them,’ Doreen said. ‘I feel a bit mean about it.’
‘Don’t be daft! They wouldn’t expect yer to make them. Don’t forget, Ruthie’s got the job you used to have, and she’s working on sewing machines. I believe they’ll enjoy the experience of buying their own dresses. Heaven knows what they’ll end up with, but it’ll be their own choice, so whether I like it or not I’ll say they’re lovely.’
‘I don’t think yer need worry about that, Mam, ’cos our Ruthie has pretty good taste. She has over hairstyles, and when she’s here Aunt Vicky ends up looking like a film star.’
‘I keep telling yer mam about Ruthie,’ Nellie said. ‘I know I make fun and say she’s man mad, but that girl’s got her head screwed on the right way. She’ll get what she wants in life, you just mark my words.’
Molly chuckled. ‘I hope she doesn’t come to you for advice, sunshine. I don’t want her wandering off the straight and narrow.’
