The Color of a Memory

by Julianne MacLean

  I paused to gather my thoughts, because I didn’t want to play games with him, but I needed to know how he felt about our relationship.

  I set my fork down as well. “If you really want to know,” I said, “I never imagined myself living with someone. I’m kind of old fashioned that way. I always thought I’d be married first. It’s kind of crazy that we’re here like this, eating dinner together every night, waking up in the same bed each morning.”

  His brow furrowed with concern. “You’re not happy?”

  My heart squeezed with regret because I didn’t want to hurt him. He’d been kind to me, and whatever doubts I had about his ability to be faithful were my own. He’d never actually done anything to suggest he was running around on me. At least not at this point.

  “Of course I’m happy,” I said. “I love being with you. But don’t you think we’re moving too fast? Honestly, I thought I’d be staying with you for a few days, but here we are after two months. I’m not sure either of us knew what we were getting into.”

  “Maybe not at the time,” he argued, “but does it really matter? Now that you’re here, I don’t want you to go. I like what we have.”

  How much do you like it? I wondered. And for how long will you want it?

  He raked a hand through his hair. “Please don’t move out,” he said. “Stay with me.”

  I couldn’t seem to move or form words. He was saying all the things I’d hoped he would say, yet I still didn’t feel confident that this was true love—the forever kind. Was he a forever kind of guy? Was it even possible to know something like that about a person in such a short amount of time?

  Slowly I pushed my chair back, stood up and moved to the kitchen. Alex followed.

  “What’s wrong?” he said. “You’re not yourself. Did I do something wrong? If I did, please tell me.”

  Now I felt like a heel.

  Turning to face him, I wrapped my arms around his neck, rose up on my tiptoes and pulled him close. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m happy, but something’s changed and I don’t know how I’m going to explain it.”

  He held me away so he could look into my eyes. “What is it?”

  I shook my head. “You’re not going to want to hear this.”

  “Let me decide that,” he insisted.

  “Okay then…” Taking a deep breath, I spoke candidly. “I’m pregnant.”

  Alex just stared at me. “Are you sure?”

  I nodded my head. “I felt sick this afternoon so I took a test and the result was positive. A positive result is ninety-nine percent accurate, so yes, I’m sure.”

  He backed away and leaned against the counter. “Wow.”

  I moved to stand beside him and leaned against the counter as well. “Tell me about it. I thought I was going to pass out when I read the result. I’m really sorry. I thought we were being careful. Please believe me—I didn’t plan this.”

  He reached for my hand, raised it to his lips and kissed it. “I believe you, and I’m not sorry, because I nearly had a heart attack just now when you said you wanted to move out. Were you just trying to let me off the hook or something?”

  I looked down at my shoes. “I guess I just needed to know where we stood. How you felt about me.”

  “So you were testing me?”

  I nodded.

  He turned to face me, cradled my chin in his hand and lifted my face, forcing me to meet his gaze. “How could you not know how I feel?”

  I shrugged and lowered my gaze. He bent at the knees to place himself in my line of vision.

  “I love you, Audrey,” he said, “and I’m not letting you go. If you’re pregnant, I want to marry you.”

  My eyes nearly bugged out of my head. “Are you insane? We barely know each other.”

  “That’s not true,” he argued. “We’ve spent a lot of time together, been through some rough situations, and hell, when you know, you know. I knew it the first moment I laid eyes on you in the ER. That was it for me. There was no getting you out of my head, and now that I have you, I don’t want to lose you. Not ever. I love what we have, so let’s just get married.”

  I don’t know why I had such a hard time believing all the lovely things he said to me. Did I not consider myself worthy of such passion? Did I still believe he was just a charmer and a cheat? Had I not yet lowered my shields?

  “I’m not sure about this,” I said. “We’re talking about the rest of our lives. Maybe we should think about it and not rush into anything.”

  The heartbreak I saw in his eyes made my chest hurt. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just say yes to his proposal, step into his arms and weep tears of joy? It should have been a magical moment we’d remember forever, but I’d spoiled it.

  And I didn’t stop there.

  “If you don’t mind,” I said, backing away, “I think I’ll stay at Cathy’s tonight.”

  Alex’s eyebrows pulled together in a frown. “You don’t need to do that.”

  “I know, but I want to give you some space to think about this.”

  “I don’t need space,” he firmly told me.

  “But I do,” I replied. “This is all happening way too fast, Alex. I need time to process it.”

  I felt a mad impulse to flee out the door.

  Moving past him, I grabbed my purse and keys from the hall table.

  He followed me. “Don’t go,” he said.

  My stomach careened with uncertainty. Why was I doing this? Was I still testing him, or was I unsure of my own feelings? Did I not love him?

  If I did love him, shouldn’t this be easier?

  Turning around, I hugged him. “I don’t mean to be cruel. It’s only until tomorrow, until I figure this out.”

  With that, he let me go.

  Chapter Nineteen

  The next day was pure torture—not only because I was confused and unsure about my future with Alex, but because I felt nauseous.

  The soda crackers were no help at all and the smells in the hospital made me gag.

  I made an appointment to see my doctor at the end of the week—with the hope that he could prescribe something to help with the nausea—but otherwise, I felt as if I was floating in limbo.

  * * *

  I was lying face down with my eyes closed in Cathy’s spare bedroom in the basement, missing Alex, when a knock sounded at the door. “Ugh…” I replied.

  The door opened and Cathy peered in. “You have a visitor.”

  I lifted my head. “Is it Alex?”

  “Yes.”

  Despite the powerful temptation to remain in bed and not move a muscle, I sat up and swung my legs to the floor. “I should talk to him. He deserves that.”

  “Yes he does,” Cathy replied with a hint of scolding in her tone.

  I’d told her everything about my conversation with Alex the night before, so when I stood up and met her in the doorway, she took my face in her hands. “What is wrong with your brain? He passed your test with flying colors last night, then he proposed. Why are you even here when you should be with him, making wedding plans?”

  I stared at her in a fog of self-doubt. “We’ve only known each other for two months. I need more time to test the waters.”

  She dropped her hands to her side. “That sort of makes sense, but I still think you’re afraid to trust him, and the only reason is because he’s so good looking, which is very superficial of you. Beauty is only skin deep, you know.”

  We climbed the stairs together.

  “It’s not fair to him,” she continued, following me up. “You’re judging him based on his looks when he’s been nothing but loyal and devoted since the day you met.”

  Reaching the top, I stopped and turned. “I’ve always been overly cautious. Do you know I looked at thirty houses before I made an offer on mine? And then I visited four different banks to make sure I got the best interest rate. And when you guys decided to take a year off after high school and travel to Europe, I wouldn’t even consider that. I ha
d to make sure I had my future locked down. Maybe I do have a problem.”

  Cathy closed the door to the basement. “You’re very practical, which isn’t a bad thing. It’s one of the things Alex likes about you.”

  “Well,” I said, waving my hands through the air, “people shouldn’t go around blindly leaping about. It’s more sensible to make informed decisions.”

  “Yes, that’s true,” Cathy agreed, “if you’re buying a new car or a fridge. But when it comes to relationships there’s only so much you can know about the future. Alex could get hit by a bus a year from now and you’d still end up heartbroken. But at this moment in time, what you do know is that you’re having a baby together and he’s a good guy. He wants to do the right thing and marry you, and don’t try to tell me you’re not in love with him because I know you are. I’ve never seen you so happy. You’re just afraid to admit you love him because you’re afraid you might lose him someday.”

  I looked down at the floor.

  “Let me ask you this…” Cathy said. “We both know he’ll be a great dad and a good provider. If I had a crystal ball and I could tell you for sure that he would never cheat on you, would you marry him?”

  I glanced toward the front door. “Yes, but there’s no such thing as a crystal ball, so I still feel like I’m flying blind.”

  But in’t that the point of living? To go out there and experience things, to explore and actually learn something? Isn’t that how we grow?

  * * *

  Alex had come for me in the Buick. It was parked across the street with the windows rolled down—there was no air-conditioning—so he was sitting in the rocking chair on Cathy’s front porch.

  “Hey gorgeous, want to go cruisin’?” he asked with a smile.

  I looked down at him and was instantly captivated. There were butterflies. Goose bumps. You name it. The whole nine yards.

  “Sure,” I replied with a chuckle. “Let me grab my purse.”

  A few minutes later we were driving around town with the radio on.

  “I just want you to know,” Alex said, “I did want to give you some space tonight, but in the end I couldn’t do it. I hate being away from you, and I couldn’t take not knowing if you were ever coming back.”

  “I’m sorry,” I replied. “I know I left in a hurry last night. I was frazzled.”

  “Are you still frazzled?” he asked, glancing across at me.

  I was locked in his gaze—I felt safe and cared for—and I didn’t want to leave it.

  “Less so now,” I replied. “I missed you last night.”

  “I missed you, too.”

  As I watched him handle the car while we listened to music on the radio, all my usual fears and doubts seemed to fade into the background. Maybe I just needed a good swift kick in the butt, and Cathy had handled that task quite capably.

  Sticking my arm out the window, I used the flat of my hand to surf on the wind.

  “This car is something else,” I said. “There’s just something special about her.”

  “I’m glad you think so.”

  As we drove down Main Street, pedestrians stopped to stare. Parents pointed, probably explaining to their children that it was a rare old car. Other drivers honked and waved.

  “How often do you take her out on the main roads?” I asked.

  “Not often,” he replied. “Only on special occasions.”

  “Is that what this is?” I asked.

  He slid a glance at me. “Last night you told me you’re pregnant with my child. I think that qualifies.” He turned onto Center Street. “Want to go for a walk? There’s something I want to show you.”

  Naturally I said yes, so he took us to Wickham Park.

  Chapter Twenty

  “Is this what you wanted to show me?” I asked as we stopped to look over the rail of the white arched bridge at the pond. “Because I’ve been here before, you know.”

  “I figured you had,” he replied. “And no, it’s not what I wanted to show you. First we need to do some talking.”

  A flock of birds startled at something and took flight from the top branches of an oak tree in the forest. I jumped and laid a hand over my heart. “That scared me.”

  Alex looked up, then he turned to lean over the bridge rail and looked down at the water. “Everything about this day is scary.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  He met my gaze. “Because I woke up not knowing how you feel or what you want. I know what I want, but you…? You’re a mystery.”

  “I don’t mean to be,” I replied. “I’m just being careful. I don’t want to get hurt.”

  “Why do you think you’ll get hurt?”

  “Because…” I paused and looked down at a duck swimming slowly under the bridge beneath us. “Do you remember the first day we met? You came on to me pretty aggressively and I thought you were a playboy. Then I found out you had a girlfriend, which didn’t exactly convince me that you were a one-woman kind of man.”

  “How many times do I have to say it? She wasn’t my girlfriend.”

  “But she was, before that. Obviously she still wanted to be, but you were ready to move on. How long until you’ll want to move on from me and this baby?”

  He frowned. “That will never happen because I want to marry you. We’ll be a family and that will be that.”

  I sighed. “You sound confident.”

  “I am.”

  Yet I was still unsure, still unable to take that leap of faith and believe wholeheartedly that everything would work out, that our lives would be filled with roses and sunshine. I had a troubling feeling of dread that I simply couldn’t explain or escape. I would understand that feeling later, of course, but in that moment, it was a mystery to me.

  “Audrey,” he said, taking hold of my hand. “I lost my father when I was nine, and I remember how awful it was because I loved him a lot. I would never wish that on my children. I’ll want to be there for them every day, forever, and I want to be there for you, too. Family is everything to me and you need to believe that. You need to believe in me.”

  All the muscles in my body turned warm. Laying my hand on his cheek, I said, “I do believe in you.”

  He leaned closer and pressed his lips to mine. My legs turned to jelly, then he surprised me by getting down on one knee and pulling out a small white box.

  Gazing up at me with steady, smiling eyes, he opened the box to reveal a stunning diamond solitaire ring. I gasped and covered my mouth with a hand.

  “I love you,” he said, “and I want to marry you so that we can be a family, together forever. I promise I’ll do everything in my power to make you happy. I’ll be faithful, Audrey—to you and only you—until the day I die.”

  A tear slid down my cheek because in that shimmering moment on that beautiful white bridge in the park, I was so madly in love, I could barely see straight.

  And I believed him. I believed him with every breath I took.

  Fire

  Chapter Twenty-one

  After a month-long engagement, Alex and I were married in a private civil ceremony with only our closest friends and immediate family in attendance. This was followed by a larger outdoor party on the green lawn at his mother’s home.

  Since it was an outdoor party, I wore a cocktail length cream-colored dress, and Alex wore a light summer suit. He invited all his pals from the department, including the chief, and I invited a number of my coworkers from the hospital. His parents sprung for a tent and hired a band. All this was planned in three short weeks, and on that night, we danced until 2:00 in the morning.

  Alex and I—now husband and wife—drove off in the Buick with a uniformed chauffeur and a “Just Married” sign taped to the back window. We spent the night at the Hilton in Hartford, and the next morning, flew to Niagara Falls for a three-day honeymoon in a luxurious suite with a heart-shaped hot tub.

  It was the most romantic experience of my life and I’ll remember it always, though it was to be short lived.


  The following Wednesday morning, we were both back at work for morning shifts, and life in the real world resumed.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  The following spring, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who came into the world at eight pounds, eleven ounces. She was the most exquisite creature I’d ever seen—with her father’s dark hair and compelling eyes. Her lips, nose and chin, however, definitely came from my side of the family.

  Alex exceeded all my expectations as a husband and father. He changed diapers and was a great source of emotional support for me as I learned to breast-feed. At night when Wendy cried, he rose from bed to bring her to me without ever needing to be asked, and he rubbed my feet when I was tired. He also washed dishes and picked up groceries and doted on Wendy tirelessly with all the love a father could possibly give.

  “You’re going to spoil her,” I said with a smile one evening as I joined him on the sofa where he was cradling our newborn in his arms.

  “Probably,” he replied, gently placing her soother in her mouth. “But when she’s sixteen and the boys start coming around, I’ll be waiting in the shadows with my fire hose.”

  I laughed. “The water pressure alone should send them down the stairs in a hurry. She won’t like it.”

  Alex rubbed her sweet little head and spoke softly in front of her face. “Yes, you will, won’t you? Because you won’t have time for boys. You’ll be too busy with schoolwork and ballet classes.”

  I chuckled again. “Ballet? What if she wants to play hockey?”

  “That’ll be all right,” he replied. “She can be anything she wants to be.” Then his eyes lifted and he regarded me with adoration. “We made a good baby.”

  “Yes, we certainly did.”

  “Want to make another one?” he asked with a flirty smile.

  I laughed again. “Are you sure you’re ready for that?”

  “I’m ready whenever you are, gorgeous. All you have to do is say the word.”