The Color of a Memory

by Julianne MacLean

  Alex

  xoxo

  Lowering the page to my side, I tipped my head back and looked up at the sky.

  Everything I believed in, everything I cared about, seemed to be crashing down on top of me.

  “This can’t be happening.” I watched a fluffy white cloud move in front of the sun. “For two years I’ve been grieving the loss of my beloved husband—a man I wanted to believe was faithful and honorable. Now it all seems like a lie.”

  I met David’s sympathetic gaze and was glad he was here, because I desperately needed to vent my emotions.

  “I feel like he just died all over again,” I continued. “This is exactly like the moment Dr. O’Brien walked into the supply room and told me that Alex’s brain was pulverized and there was no hope. It was so hard to accept that—but here I am again, two years later, hearing horrible news about the man I married, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m completely powerless.” I waved an arm through the air. “I can’t even march down to the station right now and slap him across the face or yell at him. He’s gone, and I won’t be able to deal with this. I’ll never get an explanation from him. How am I going to cope?”

  The next thing I knew, David was holding me in his arms and I was bawling like a baby, sobbing uncontrollably into his chest.

  Then I felt a tug on the bottom of my shirt. I stepped back and looked down at my daughter. Her tiny brow was furrowed with concern. “What’s the matter, Mommy?”

  Quickly, I wiped the tears from my eyes and squatted down to answer her question. “I’m just sad about your daddy,” I told her.

  Pulling her close, I picked her up and rose to my feet. What a comfort it was, to feel her legs wrap around my hips and her arms clutch my neck.

  David laid a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Audrey,” he softly said. “And I want to help you.”

  All I could do was nod my head.

  Together we walked back to the house.

  Chapter Thirty-eight

  Thank God for David. When we returned to the apartment, he played with Wendy in the living room, which gave me a chance to collect myself. While they sat on the floor and built a house out of LEGO blocks, I withdrew to my bedroom to lie down and stare at the ceiling for a while.

  I must have laid there for an hour, replaying dozens of memories in my mind…the day Alex proposed on the bridge in the park…all the times he took me driving in the Buick, and how we had worked so passionately on my Mustang in those early days of our relationship.

  Then there was Melanie…the psycho girlfriend who tried to burn me alive.

  During that hour, alone in my bedroom, I relived many moments, good and bad, and secretly wished I’d never found that picture in the glove box of Alex’s father’s old car. If I’d had a choice, I would have preferred to live the rest of my days in total ignorance.

  But as the time slowly passed, I began to think again.

  It was the picture that stuck with me.

  The ultrasound of that unborn baby.

  * * *

  When I finally emerged from my bedroom, the sun had set and David was in the kitchen with Wendy. He was at the stove cooking macaroni and cheese while she sat at the table, counting out baby carrots to arrange on a platter.

  “Hey there,” I said, moving to kiss her on the forehead. “Are you putting out enough for me, too?”

  “Yes,” she replied. “David said we needed twenty.”

  “And you can count to twenty, can’t you?” he said.

  “I learned how at Judy’s,” she told him.

  David turned to me with his eyebrows raised. “Who’s Judy?”

  “Judy’s Pre-school,” I explained. “They’re wonderful there. Best pre-school a working mother could ask for.”

  I joined him at the stove where he was holding a wooden spoon, stirring the pasta in a pot of steaming water.

  “Sorry,” he quietly said, “I didn’t know what else to cook. She said she liked macaroni.”

  “It’s perfect,” I replied. “I really appreciate you staying. I hope I’m not ruining your plans for tonight.”

  “What plans?” There was a hint of humor in his tone that was obviously intended to make me feel better about keeping him here.

  It wasn’t easy to return his smile, however, because my eyes were puffy and hideous, but I gave it my best shot as I went in search of the colander.

  * * *

  I told David he didn’t have to, but he insisted on staying while I put Wendy to bed. He said he wanted to do some more work on my laptop, which of course meant that he was going to continue searching for information about Carla, the Vintage Car Chick.

  After I flicked the switch on Wendy’s bedside lamp, I returned to the kitchen where David was seated at the table with the laptop open.

  “Is she asleep?” he asked.

  “Not yet, but it won’t take long. We just read a story and she always drifts off pretty fast.”

  I stood up on my tiptoes to open the cupboard over the stove and found a bottle of whiskey that was stashed up there. “Tonight, I could use a drink,” I said. “Want one?”

  “Sounds good,” he replied.

  I set the bottle on the counter and opened the freezer. “Do you want ice with it? Or I could mix it with some ginger ale.”

  “Straight up,” he replied. “But go easy on me. I’m driving.”

  “Don’t worry, I’m an ER nurse,” I reminded him. “I won’t even let you touch your keys if there are refills.”

  I poured an ounce of whisky in each of two heavy crystal glasses Alex and I had received as a wedding gift. It was a rather poignant moment, considering I’d never used them before. Not once. I’d been keeping them for a special occasion because they were so gorgeous.

  Who had given them to us? I had to think for a moment. Was it David? I believed it was.

  I turned and carried the drinks to the table. “Do these look familiar to you?”

  He inspected his glass, then held it high to clink against mine. “Yes, they do. Here’s to Alex.”

  His unexpected toast to honor my cheating husband caught me off guard, and I froze. After a few heart-wrenching seconds, I raised my glass, clinked it against his—because I couldn’t leave him hanging—but then I set my drink down on the table without sipping any.

  “Were you able to find anything else?” I asked.

  David shook his head. “Nothing. And you already checked his phone?”

  “Yes.”

  David stared at the screen for a few more seconds, then closed the laptop. “While you were putting Wendy to bed, I tried emailing the ‘Vintage Car Chick’ email address, but my message bounced back. The account must have been closed, and there’s nothing else here. I can check at the station computer tomorrow if you like, and I’ll see if I can find out if Alex was taking a course to upgrade his certification.”

  “I already know that’s not true.” I took the first sip of my whiskey and winced at the scalding sensation that seared my throat. “Maybe you shouldn’t even bother.”

  “It’s worth checking out,” David replied. “If he really was taking a course, it’ll help you to know that.”

  I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “In the playground, you said you were shocked by this. I hate to admit it, but I’m not, and that just makes me feel like a fool.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I made the decision to marry Alex when I had doubts from the beginning.”

  “What kind of doubts?”

  I gave him a look. “Don’t you remember that first day he showed up in the ER? You were there. He flirted with me like there was no tomorrow and took off his shirt when I asked him to take off his shoe. Right away, I sensed he was a skirt-chaser. Then he asked me out and I said no because alarm bells were going off in my head. But he was persistent and charming, and eventually I simply gave in.”

  David raised his drink to his lips. “I won’t lie. Alex did enjoy the single life before he met you. He had a
knack for attracting pretty women, but it was different with you. He was totally smitten because you weren’t like the others. You actually had a brain.”

  I scoffed. “Obviously not much of one, because I fell backwards, head over heels, because of that relentless charm.”

  “He was more than just a charmer and you know it,” David said. “He was my best friend, and I trusted him with my life. And despite what you think, I know he loved you.”

  I frowned and shook my head as if to clear it. “Why are you defending him? You saw the email and the picture of the baby. You saw me cry my eyes out a few hours ago. At the moment, I hope he’s burning in hell.”

  David stared at me for a long moment. “You don’t mean that, Audrey.”

  “He was cheating on me,” I reminded him.

  David leaned back in his chair. “I have one word to say to you, and it’s the only thing that will get you through this.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Forgiveness,” he replied.

  I was tempted to roll my eyes but I resisted.

  “You can’t live the rest of your days feeling bitter and spiteful,” David continued. “It’ll eat you up inside and keep you from enjoying the good things that will come your way later on. And there will be good things, I promise you that.”

  “That’s easy for you to say,” I replied, raising my glass to my lips. “You weren’t the one who was cheated on.”

  He breathed deeply. “Maybe so. But I do know that Alex was a good father, a good friend and a damn good firefighter. He saved a lot of lives in his career, so I think he earned a ticket to heaven, even if he made some mistakes. We all make them, and you still don’t know the whole story here. Maybe he had a relationship with this woman before he met you. Maybe the ultrasound picture was taken five years ago and she only wrote the date on the back when she met with him. We haven’t connected all the dots yet.”

  A lump the size of a boiled egg formed in my throat as another wave of guilt washed over me. But I didn’t want to feel guilt. I wasn’t the one who’d cheated. All these unmanageable, colliding feelings made me want to throw my glass against the wall, but I didn’t want to destroy David’s extravagant gift and wake Wendy up in the process.

  “Why do I feel so guilty when he was the one who was cheating?”

  David reached across the table and laid his hand on my wrist. “Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt, at least until we find out more.”

  I shook my head in defeat. “Clearly you’re an optimist, but I just can’t see it that way. You read the emails. I think I’d be deluding myself if I let myself believe there was some other explanation. And here’s the thing: I always had a feeling there would be unexpected surprises down the road. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy to be Alex’s wife because he was so attractive. Sure…everything was great in the beginning when we were newlyweds, but when I had that miscarriage, life wasn’t as sunny as it was when we first got together. Maybe it was partly my fault. I was depressed for a while.”

  I tipped my glass up and emptied it.

  “All couples go through rough times,” David said.

  Rising to my feet, I fetched the whisky bottle off the counter and carried it back to the table where I refilled my glass.

  “I’m not driving anywhere,” I assured him with a small grin as I settled back into my chair. For a while, we sat in silence.

  “So what about you?” I asked. “Have you gone through any rough times with your lady friend? I apologize, I can’t remember her name.”

  “Cheryl?” he asked. He shook his head. “We’re not together anymore, so I guess you could say yes, we went through some rough times.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. “Guess it’s my day to put my foot in it.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” David replied. “She had a job prospect in Texas, wanted to take it, and I didn’t want to leave Manchester. It all worked out for the best. She said it was the wake-up call she needed, because neither of us was willing to budge for the other person. I’m just glad we found out sooner rather than later.”

  I took another sip of whisky. “Why didn’t you want to leave Manchester? Was it your job here? Or the Texas heat that held you back?”

  He thought about it for a moment. “It was more than that. For the right person, I’d move anywhere. She just wasn’t the right one, I guess, and I wasn’t the right one for her either, or she would have stayed.”

  I ran the palm of my hand over the smooth table top to whisk away a few crumbs from dinner. “Funny how you just know,” I said. “And it might surprise you to hear this, but despite everything, if I could go back, I don’t think I would do anything differently with Alex, because then I wouldn’t have Wendy. The past two years were definitely rough, but we’re doing better now. I wouldn’t want to change a thing.”

  “Well, there you go,” David gently said. “I’ve always believed that when things seem about as bad as they can get, there’s usually something good that comes out of it. You just have to wait to understand what it is.”

  “You’re right,” I replied. “But I can’t imagine how finding out that my husband was cheating on me could ever be a good thing. It’s just going to destroy my memory of him, and I don’t want that to happen.”

  “Wisdom comes with time,” David said.

  I tapped my fingernail on the shiny crystal glass. “Would you like some chips?”

  He laughed at the abrupt change in subject. “Sure.”

  I got up and rifled through the bottom cupboard for a bag and poured it into a big plastic bowl. Returning to the table, I set it down between us.

  “I’d really appreciate it if you could search the station computer for Miss Vintage Car Chick tomorrow, because wisdom is eluding me at the moment. All I feel is pain, and anger.”

  “We’ll work on that,” David replied as he reached into the chip bowl.

  Chapter Thirty-nine

  I wasn’t scheduled to work the following day which turned out to be a blessing, because when it came to cheap whisky, I was obviously a lightweight. Morning brought with it a punishing headache that made me promise never to drink hard liquor again.

  On top of that, I could barely remember what happened when David left. I knew we’d moved into the living room, turned on the TV and talked until midnight. Most of it was a blur, but I could at least recall that we spent a great deal of time reminiscing about Alex. David had known him far longer than I, and he shared many fond memories from their youth. All the things he admired about Alex were the same things I’d always admired.

  One thing I did remember. When it was time for David to go, I hugged him at the door and thanked him profusely for being such a good friend.

  “You’re drunk,” he’d said with a laugh.

  I have a vague recollection of stumbling backward into the wall and knocking a framed picture off kilter. David straightened it for me before he left and told me to get some sleep. He promised to call me in the morning.

  So here I sat on the sofa, sipping an extra-large cup of coffee while Wendy bounced and danced on the carpet to The Wiggles.

  “Hot potato, hot potato…”

  Oh, to have that much energy again.

  The phone rang and I realized I had more energy than I thought. I practically dove across the sofa to answer it.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi Audrey. It’s David.”

  My heart came alive, because there were still so many unanswered questions in my mind, and David was my best hope to resolve them. “Hey,” I said.

  “How are you feeling this morning?” he asked. “Is the room spinning?”

  I laughed. “A little bit, yeah. Though I’m not sure if it’s the hangover or the fact that Wendy is watching The Wiggles right now. Boy, that’s one colorful TV show.”

  “The music’s kind of addictive, isn’t it?” he replied. “I watched it once with my nephew and I couldn’t get that “Rock-A-Bye Your Bear” song out of my head for days.
Seriously, I lost sleep, and I still know every word.”

  “They’re musical geniuses.” Raising my coffee to my lips, I took another sip.

  “Have you ever taken Wendy to see them perform live?” David asked. “You should, next time they’re in New York.”

  “She’d love that,” I replied.

  He was quiet for a moment, and I sipped my coffee while The Wiggles continued to sing.

  “I can’t help wondering why you’re calling,” I finally said, wanting to give David a nudge—though I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear what he might say. Not if it concerned Alex and his personal emails on the station computer. But I knew I had to face it.

  “I came in early,” he told me, “to check through some old files.”

  “Thanks for doing that,” I replied. “Did you find anything?”

  He let out a sigh. “Sorry. Everything was purged awhile back so I couldn’t get at Alex’s emails, but I did ask the chief whether or not he’d been taking a course to upgrade his certification. The chief had no record of it.”

  Though I wasn’t surprised to hear that, it still felt like a punch in the stomach. I tipped my head back onto the sofa cushion. “I appreciate you telling me.” I couldn’t seem to form any other words.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  I swallowed hard over a lump in my throat. “I’m not sure. I just wish he’d told me the truth or I had probed a little harder when he started acting differently. I suggested he go see a doctor, but that was it. I just let it go. Now I’ll never get the chance to talk to him about it.”

  “I’m sorry, Audrey,” David said. “I wish there was something I could do.”

  “Don’t apologize. You’ve been wonderful. I just have to figure out where to go from here. Do I just let it lie and try to forget about it, focus on the good stuff? Or do I keep digging?”

  I could hear the familiar sounds of the fire station in the background—voices of the other men laughing about something.