Words Left Unsaid

by Missy Johnson

  “Shh, it’s okay, princess. I’m here for you, okay?”

  Her response is muffled and incoherent. I let her cry in my arms, not wanting to force her any more than I have to.

  “Daddy’s going to go away soon, Tilly. He needs you to be a strong little girl and let him go. Can you do that?” I whisper in her ear as I gently stroke her hair.

  She looks up, her tear-stained eyes meeting mine. All I can see in her face is fear and pain. If I thought I couldn’t possibly feel any worse, I was wrong. Seeing our daughter have to go through this is pure hell.

  Eventually, the tears slow and her glances toward Aiden become more frequent. I gently guide his hand toward the edge of the bed. Placing Tilly’s hand in mine, I place mine on top and back onto Aiden’s. She stares at me, wide-eyed.

  “What if I hurt him?” she whispers.

  “You won’t, honey. He’s still there. He loves you.”

  She hesitantly looks up at him, her face stricken. This must be so hard for her. She takes a deep breath, her body shaking as she looks at me for encouragement. I nod, strengthening my hold around her waist.

  “If I talk to him, he can hear me?” she asks.

  “He can hear you baby,” I encourage. “Anything you want to say, you say it, okay?”

  “I love you,” she says, turning back to face him. “And I don’t want you to go away and leave Mommy. I see Mommy cry and it makes me sad. I wish things could be normal and you could hug me and play with me and stop Mommy’s tears.”

  My chest heaves as I take in her words. Any hope I had of holding back on my own tears has evaporated. Even now, she’s just thinking of me. I should be looking out for her, not the other way round. I’m a bad mother. All those times I cried thinking nobody was around, she was there, watching. She knew. Guilt rips through me, because my tears weren’t always about Aiden.

  Sometimes they were about Max.

  Tilly stays with me for another hour before Ellie offers to drive her back to her place. I agree, knowing that she’s had enough but not wanting to be away from the most important person in my life. What if she needs me and I’m not there?

  You need to be here for Aiden.

  Just after they’ve gone, Heather and Jim return. Any nerves or anger I have from being in the same room with her have taken a backseat. None of that is important right now. They sit on the other side of the bed. She offers me a smile, and I force one back.

  “You just missed Tilly,” I murmur, my voice croaky. I cough and rub the back of my neck.

  “She was in here?” Heather sounds surprised.

  I nod.

  “I’m glad she got the chance to say goodbye.”

  “Me too. I’d never rob her of that, Heather. I’ve always just wanted what was best for her.”

  “I know you have,” Heather responds softly.

  An awkward silence fills the room. I focus on Aiden, my hand still firmly placed in his. His hands feel colder, and I wonder if they are or if I’m just finding things to place my attention on.

  I want to talk to him, but it feels weird with Heather there, so instead I just sit there. His respirator sounds monotonously as I think about all of the time we had together—the good times, before the accident. He was such a big part of my life for so long that everything about me was in a way defined by him.

  The loud sound of an alarm going off drags me out of my daydream. Doctors stream into the room, and it's about then that I realize it's Aiden. Jumping out of my seat, I move back against the wall, letting the staff do what they need to do. Heather and Jim do the same as doctors pool around his bed.

  “What's going on?” Heather asks, her voice alarmed.

  A nurse turns to her. “I'm sorry, but we're going to have you to get you leave the room.” With a hand gently resting on Heather's back, the nurse guides them out of the room. I follow, my heart racing, as they wait for answers.

  Surely this can't be it. I anxiously pace up and down the hallway. The alarms have stopped, but the loud voices of the doctors and nurses in the room make me realize that things are far from settled. Words like “code blue” and “nearing the end” catch my attention.

  Wrapping my arms around my waist, I shiver. Tears are beginning to pull in my eyes, and I swat at them furiously, trying to remain strong. Minutes pass, but they feel like hours. Time has never moved so slowly. Heather is getting frustrated, and I don't blame her. Not knowing what's going on is hell.

  Heather stiffens, her gaze moving past me. I turn around and see one of the doctors standing there. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up as I take in his expression. It's not good news. I can tell.

  “Please no…” Heather sobs, falling into Jim's arms.

  “Not yet, but he doesn't have long,” the doctor responds, his tone soft. “We’ve stabilized at the moment, but I'd say he has maybe an hour, if that.” He gives us a small smile and moves off down the hallway. The room empties out, allowing us to go back in.

  “I’ll give you a moment alone with him,” I say. I reach out to touch Heather's arm. It's a small gesture, but I want her to know that I'm here and I know what she's feeling. She smiles at me through her tears.

  They disappear into the room. I stand outside, my head leaning against the wall. I close my eyes and sigh. This is it. It's really happening. I thought I was ready for this. I've known this moment was coming for the last three years. There were times I even begged for this to happen because I know living like this isn't living at not what Aiden would want.

  It's the best thing for him. No matter how hard this is on everyone else, this is the best thing for him. His pain will be over and he can move on. No one deserves to live like this. A little voice in the back of my mind mocks me.

  Why did I want this? For his pain to go away? Or did I want this because it would make my life easier?

  I push the voice out of my head, refusing to listen to it. Bouncing down the hallway, I see something I’m not expecting: Max. I wipe my eyes and look again, just to make sure I’m not imagining things, because I’m at the point where I could be hallucinating.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask in disbelief.

  He reaches my hand and gives it a squeeze, the gesture sending shivers through my body. I don't know if having him here helps or hinders how I’m feeling.

  “Ellie called me. I wish you would have,” he ads, lifting a finger up to stroke my cheek. “You didn't have to do this alone. I'm always here for you, Kiara. Always.”

  “I had to do it alone. It's not fair to Aiden, asking you to be here. I don't know…” My voice breaks as a fresh wave of tears roll down my cheeks.

  “He would understand,” Max says, his voice soft. “He loved you more than life itself—just as much as you loved him. The one thing he would want is for you to be happy.”

  Before I can reply, Heather and Jim come out. Both have been crying. Jim has wrapped his arms around his wife and holds her close.

  “Do you want some time alone with him, Kiara?” he asks.

  I nod and glance back at Max, whom neither Heather nor Jim have acknowledged as being there. I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing.

  Take a deep breath. As I step toward his room, I’m unsteady on my feet. My heart races, my head pounds, the knowledge that this will probably be my last moment with Aiden all too real. I sit down next to him and reach for his hand, my eyes on the machine that is monitoring his heart rate. Everything but his breathing tube has been removed, leaving him looking almost like he’s sleeping. If I close my eyes I can almost believe that this is all a bad dream.

  There's so much I want to say, but where do I even start? I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my head that I'm a mess.

  “I love you so much,” I whisper. I reach up and stroke his hair. “I’d do anything to change the past. For so long, the only thing I wished for was to have you back with me. I'm sorry if I haven't been around as much as I should, but please know I thought of you every second of eve
ry day.”

  I reach up and wipe the tears from my face. My body shakes as emotion pulls out of me. It's like the floodgates have opened for the first time since the day after the accident, letting everything out.

  “Please forgive me, Aiden. The only thing I ever wanted was you, but you were taken from me. With everything in my heart, I wish I could erase that day. Skip over it. Pretend it never happened. But it did. I lost you three years ago. I’ll never stop loving you, but I need to know I can move on.”

  Leaning forward, I kiss him on the cheek and rest my forehead against his.

  “I need you to let me go,” I whisper.

  The soft wail of the heart monitor floats through the room. I look up, my eyes leveling on what is now a single flat line racing across the screen. I let out a sob.

  He’s gone.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Kiara

  It’s been three days since Aiden died.

  Three days since I’ve slept.

  Three days since I’ve been able to focus on anyone other than Tilly.

  I’m determined to make this as easy as possible for her. Ellie is always around, but she respects my need to deal with this in my own way. Same with Max. I know he’s there for me, but I’m glad he’s given me the space I’ve needed to work through this.

  I’ve spoken to Mom, who insisted they were coming back, but I convinced them to continue their trip. Having them here isn’t going to change anything. I’ve gotten through most of this without them, I’m sure I can handle his funeral.

  And besides, I always have Ellie.

  Today we say goodbye. It’s Wednesday, the morning of his funeral, and I’m in Tilly’s bedroom, helping her into a pretty little pink dress she chose herself. I didn’t want her to be wearing black. She’s mourned enough. We all have. She picked this dress herself because she wanted to look pretty for Daddy.

  “Will there be cake?” she asks, picking up her doll as I brush her hair back into a pretty bun. I can’t help but smile at her innocence. Aiden would’ve loved that comment.

  “How about I buy you a special cake, just for the two of us?”

  She nods her head decisively. “Okay. But it’s gotta have pink icing.”

  We arrive at the church half an hour before the service is due to start. Even this early, people are gathered outside and around the neighboring gardens. I expected a big turnout, but even this many people is surprising. I stand to the side, not sure what my role is supposed to be. Heather organized this whole thing. My input was needed for nothing, so I’m not sure what it would be needed for now.

  “Are you okay?” Ellie asks, stroking my arm.

  I nod, but the truth is I’m not. I’m overwhelmed and I don’t know how I’m going to cope with this. The last thing I want is everyone’s sympathy. I don’t want to be the poor woman left behind, because that’s not who I am anymore. I stopped being that woman a long time ago. But if I’m no longer that woman, then who am I?

  Grant keeps Tilly occupied as Ellie and I move through the small crowd and into the church. I spot Heather up front and relief rushes through me. The irony of what I’m feeling isn’t lost on me, but she’s one of the few people I actually recognize. She waves me over. Ellie shoots me a concerned look, but I smile to assure her I’m okay.

  “Kiara, this is Reverend Sutherland. He’ll be conducting the service,” Heather says, nodding to the priest who stands next to her.

  I smile at him. He has friendly eyes that hide behind his thin, wired-framed glasses, and a mop of near-white hair. Aiden wasn’t religious, so seeing a priest surprises me.

  “Lovely to meet you, Kiara. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

  “Thank you,” I reply, my body numb.

  They resume their conversation and I just stand there, taking everything in. It all feels so final, and I guess for the first time, it is. The crisp white roses lay over the top of the coffin, and scattered photos of Aiden are arranged around them, taunting me. I wander over, examining his smiling face. All the photos are of him alone, or of him with his parents. Looking at them, you wouldn’t know he was engaged, with a daughter.

  My heart breaks. I feel like an intruder. None of this reflects the Aiden I knew. This isn’t the send off he would have wanted. And cremation? We didn’t speak of death often, but I know he didn’t want that.

  I walk back over to the front row and sit down, my legs in danger of buckling under me. Grant brings Tilly over and she sits next to me. I reach for her hand and hold it tightly, wrapping my arm around her.

  The church fills quickly as the service begins. I turn around and see all the rows full and people swarming out the door. Grant and Max stand near the exit, both dressed in dark charcoal suits.

  Max.

  Why is he even here? I can’t hide my irritability. He didn’t know Aiden at all. Having him here makes me feel like a fraud—or more of a fraud than I already feel. Every time someone looks at me with pity in their eyes, I wonder, would they still feel sorry for me if they knew the guy I was sleeping with is here as I bury my fiancé?

  I stare at the coffin in front of me as tears begin to roll down my cheeks. I’ve been a mess for days. I go from feeling like I’m on top of things to completely falling apart in the space of seconds. I go from believing I can move on and be with Max to not wanting to ever love again. What’s the point if I’m only going to end up hurt again? That’s all love is, a path to getting hurt. Just like living is a path to dying.

  “You okay?” Ellie murmurs, leaning in close to me. I nod in response. Her arm snakes around my waist and she holds me tight. “Don’t hold it in, Kee. Let whatever you’re feeling out.”

  The problem is that I don’t know what I’m feeling, and it terrifies me. I’m torn between punishing myself with the past and letting myself move on.

  The funeral drags on, as a full church service is performed. Aiden would’ve wanted something short and sweet. He wouldn’t have wanted people sitting around, mourning him. A few people get up to speak, some I recognize, some I don’t. The priest looks toward me expectantly and I shake my head. I said everything I wanted to say to Aiden just before he died. What could I possibly have to say to a room full of people I don’t even know?

  After the service, we gather in the church hall. Person after person comes over to console me, when all I want is to be left alone. Sensing my discomfort, Ellie puts her arm around me and kisses my cheek. I smile, so glad she’s here with me.

  “You’re doing great,” she says, her voice soothing. “It’s nearly over, okay? You’re doing so well.”

  “Am I? I feel…” I sigh. I can’t even put into words the emotions swirling through me at the moment. After three years I’m finally allowed to grieve, only I don’t know how.

  Or maybe the problem is I grieved for Aiden a long time ago.

  Heather walks towards us, and protectively, I wrap my arm around Tilly’s shoulder, half expecting her to have a go at me for not speaking at the service. How much have things changed in the past few days? I’m nervous to find out.

  “Kiara,” She begins, her eyes full of sadness. “I can’t believe he’s gone.”

  Taking a step toward her, I do something I never thought I would. I embrace her. She stiffens, and then relaxes into my arms, sobbing. “I’m so sorry, Kiara. For everything. I’ve lost Aiden, I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you and Tilly too.”

  “You haven’t lost us, Heather,” I say, my voice quiet. She pulls away, her eyes meeting mine. “I’m not going to make things hard for you. Believe it or not, I want Tilly and I to have a relationship with you. All I’ve ever wanted is what’s best for her, and I know that’s all you’ve wanted too.”

  “I shouldn’t have taken him out of the hospital. If only I’d listened to you, he might still be here,” she whispers. I examine the dark circles under her eyes. She probably hasn’t slept in days either.

  “You can’t blame yourself, Heather,” I say, my eyes locking with hers. “We lost Aide
n a long time ago, it just took his body a little while to catch up. None of this is your fault.”

  She smiles, but I can see she’s not convinced.

  “I had better go and mingle. You better get this little tiger home to sleep.” She lovingly strokes Tilly’s cheek, who smiles up at her in return. “It’s been a big day for everyone.”

  “Are you ready to go, Tilly?” I ask, scooping her into my arms. She nods, nestling her head into the crook of my neck. I kiss Ellie and Grant goodbye and carry my baby out to the car.

  “Is Daddy happy?” She asks as I secure her in her seat, her eyes so droopy she can barely keep awake. I crouch down beside her and smile, clasping my hand in hers.

  “He is, Honey. If you ever want to speak to him, all you have to do is close your eyes really tight and concentrate. He’ll hear you, okay?” She nods, the dark circles under her eyes obvious. “Come on. Lets get you home.”

  ***

  As I close Tilly’s bedroom door, the doorbell sounds. I wince, praying to God it didn’t wake her up. I’m torn between standing there for a moment until I’m sure she’s asleep and answering the door, but the threat of whoever it is ringing the bell again wins out.

  Quickly, I jog to the front door and open it. Max stands there, leaning against the doorframe. He straightens up when he sees me.

  “Hey,” he begins, sounding nervous. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see me tonight. I can come back when you’re ready—”

  “No, it’s fine, come in.” I say, happy to see him. I stand aside as he moves past me. “I just got Tilly to sleep.”

  “Shit, I should’ve called instead of ringing the doorbell,” he curses.

  “She’s out like a light. Trust me, it’s fine,” I grin. I run my hand through my hair and yawn. “Big day for both of us.”