Being With Him

by Mickie B. Ashling

  Blaming weed for this sudden urge to climb all over Alex would be easy, except that was only a part of it. Granted, it had broken down self-imposed barriers and given him the extra boost of confidence to listen to his body instead of his brain. For the first time in recent history, Zeb had acted on impulse, and the result wasn’t unwelcome, just surprising.

  He’d had sex with a few women, but none of them had left an indelible mark. Sure, he’d gotten off and could proudly state he was no longer a virgin, but that was it. The physical release had been welcome but the connection that was supposed to follow was missing. Deep in his heart, he felt cheated. Which had led him to the next logical conclusion. Would it be better with a guy?

  Fantasizing was one thing, but acting on the attraction was a game changer. He’d never dared to experiment back home, but what could stop him now? Only his scruples, and those faded away as soon as Alex kissed him. The hot lick of desire coiled around his guts like nothing in recent history. Zeb wasn’t sure when the spark between them had been ignited. It could have started that afternoon during the emotional tour or afterward at lunch, when Alex cleared up a few misconceptions about transgender men. Zeb knew his thirst for knowledge was oftentimes misinterpreted, but Alex had been patient instead of telling him to fuck off and mind his own business. He’d also kept his criticism of Zeb’s situation to a minimum. Privately, Alex might have thought the worst, but he’d only exuded sympathy, which had made it easier for Zeb to discuss his father’s draconian rules.

  Empathy notwithstanding, there was something about Alex that made him irresistible to Zeb. It wasn’t his eyes, even though they were heart-stopping green, or his generous mouth, which begged to be kissed. His broad shoulders and ripped arms were definite eye-pleasers, but they weren’t what pulled Zeb. Alex could have easily been a domineering asshole, given his size and fame, but he wasn’t. Admittedly, he commanded your full attention when he walked into a room, but he was quietly watchful, preferring to keep to himself, instead of brazenly taking up center stage. It was this humble, almost reticent side of him Zeb found most appealing.

  Dancing appeared to be something they both enjoyed, and when the music changed from hip-hop to a slower, more sensual rhythm, Zeb moved into Alex’s open arms and pressed up against him eagerly.

  “You’re very graceful,” Alex whispered.

  They were packed on the dance floor like sardines, but Zeb felt like he and Alex were in their own bubble. The people crowding around them dropped away as he concentrated on the man who held him tightly against his chest.

  “In general, most Filipinos are good dancers,” Zeb remarked.

  “I don’t know much about your country.”

  Zeb looked up at the green eyes staring down at him. “Maybe I can teach you something after all.”

  “It’ll be a pleasure, sugar.”

  The endearment was a part of Alex’s vocabulary, and not used for Zeb exclusively, but the tone and sizzling eye contact hit him in all the right places.

  When Luca and Chyna showed up wanting to go home, Zeb and Alex had to be peeled apart. Zeb leaned against Alex, lulled by the rhythmic swaying and whooshing as the subway sped through the tunnels heading home. It was a struggle to stay awake, and he would have loved a short nap, but he was conscious of Luca eyeballing his and Alex’s hands, which were loosely clasped together. He turned to face his roommate, and the surprise on Luca’s face was almost comical. Some explaining would be in order, but it would have to wait. Zeb wasn’t prepared to share anything until he figured it out for himself. Luca got a shrug and a lame smile instead.

  An unsettling thought broke through Zeb’s erotic reverie, like a bolt of lightning out of nowhere. Was Alex apprehensive about guiding Zeb through the mechanics of a physical relationship—unfamiliar territory in many ways—should they choose to take it any further? He knew that Zeb was clueless. The last remnants of his weed-induced euphoria quickly faded, replaced by feverish anxiety as Zeb imagined one improbable scenario after another. He was afraid to ask for instructions, but on the other hand, he didn’t want to disappoint Alex.

  The train lurched to a stop, and they made their way out the doors, with Luca and Chyna in the lead.

  “You doing okay?” Alex asked, looking at him sideways.

  Zeb looked up at Alex’s worried expression.

  “I’m fine,” he lied.

  “No, you’re not,” Alex stated.

  “Truth is,” Zeb clarified. “I don’t want you to have any regrets.”

  “Me?” Alex stopped walking. “That’s usually my line, Zeb. I do great until it’s time for the big reveal. Then it all goes to shit.”

  Zeb frowned. “Can we talk about this when we get home?”

  “Sure.”

  Zeb didn’t pull his hand away when Alex reached out, instead, he stepped closer and brought Alex down to his level by tugging on his collar. In a shaky whisper, he said, “I just need reassurance that I won’t make a fool of myself and disappoint you.”

  “Oh, sugar… that’ll never happen,” Alex said throatily.

  “How can you be so sure?”

  Alex’s mouth quirked. “You’re a damn good kisser for one thing.”

  “What about all the other stuff?”

  Alex returned to his full height and cleared his throat. “Let’s not worry about that for now.”

  When they got to the apartment, Luca and Chyna snagged bottles of water, a huge bag of Doritos, and offered to share.

  “You guys must be thirsty,” Luca teased. “All that humping and grinding will suck the spit right out of you.”

  Zeb flushed.

  “I think we’ll be fine,” Alex replied, smiling.

  “Newb?” Luca persisted. “You okay?”

  “I feel great,” Zeb replied. “If you want to stay in the kitchen, we’ll get out of your way.”

  “Don’t worry, we’re outta here,” Luca said. “Knock on our door if you need any friendly advice.”

  “Go!” Zeb ordered, trying not to laugh.

  Luca cracked up and, grabbing Chyna’s hand, walked out of the room. Alex and Zeb settled on the sofa and turned on the TV, mainly for background noise.

  “Luca was staring on the subway,” Zeb commented. “He’ll be cross-examining me all the way back to Ithaca.”

  “No doubt,” Alex said softly. “Does he even know you’re gay?”

  Zeb snorted and buried his face against Alex’s neck. After a few minutes, he said, “I’m not sure what I am.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Alex said smoothly. “We probably should before anything else happens.”

  “I’ve been attracted to guys in the past but never acted on it.”

  “What about women?” Alex asked.

  “There have been a few, but the sex was mostly unsatisfactory.”

  “What seemed to be missing?”

  “It just felt wrong,” Zeb said. “Like I was trying too hard to convince myself it was what I wanted.”

  “Because?”

  “It was expected,” Zeb pointed out. “We’re Catholics and no one in our circle of friends is gay. My family will probably cut me off if they find out I’m interested in other guys.”

  “I see,” Alex said.

  “Not that it’ll stop me now,” Zeb amended, moving to straddle Alex. “I’m not going to let fear stand in my way this time.”

  “And what if I’m not interested in being your experiment? If you want to act on this impulse, do it with someone else,” Alex warned.

  “But I don’t want anyone else,” Zeb insisted. “I want you.”

  “You’ll be getting a hybrid, and I’m certain that’s not what you have in mind.”

  “Stop it,” Zeb scolded. “Don’t you dare put yourself down.”

  “I’m only being honest. Trying to figure out your orientation with me is counterproductive,” Alex stated. “If you want to find out if you’re gay, hook up with someone else.”

  “Now you’re really starti
ng to piss me off,” Zeb snarled. “Can’t you see it’s you that’s giving me the boner? You I want to kiss? You I want to climb all over?”

  “Sugar, you’re just a horny guy who’d get off rubbing against a tree.”

  “Fuck you,” Zeb said, crushing Alex’s mouth.

  Thankfully, Alex didn’t push him away, and the angry kiss slowly morphed into moan-inducing explorations of each other’s mouth. By the time they broke apart, Zeb was panting and ready to tear off his clothes. He reached for Alex’s hand and moved it to his groin.

  “Does that feel like I’m not into you?”

  “It’s impressive,” Alex said wryly. “Would you like me to take care of the problem?”

  “No,” Zeb said. “Unless I can get you off as well.”

  “Why don’t we put on the brakes for now,” Alex suggested. “There’s a lot to think about and I, for one, refuse to get emotionally involved with someone who’s on the fence.”

  Zeb let out a long sigh. “I know you’re right even though I want so much more.”

  “If it’s any consolation,” Alex admitted, “I’ve never been more tempted to dive in headfirst.”

  “Thank fuck,” Zeb exclaimed. “I thought the attraction was one-sided.”

  “Not at all.” Alex kissed him deeply and when he pulled back, he sighed. “My interest may not be as obvious are yours, but it’s definitely simmering. I just need you to think this through before we do anything else.”

  “Fair enough,” Zeb said. “Can I contact you when I go back to school? Exchange texts or Skype? This way we can get to know each other better—”

  “And you can ask me more questions?”

  “We’re too far to go on actual dates,” Zeb said. “Even if you lived next door, who has the time? It’ll be hard enough figuring out when to see each other again, let alone what makes you tick. There’s no way I can convince you I’m sincere when I don’t know enough.”

  Alex snorted. “Your single-minded need to learn everything at once is a little worrisome.”

  “Why?” Zeb asked. “Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.”

  “Did you just make that up?”

  Zeb snorted. “Heck no. Confucius.”

  “You keep surprising me, sugar.”

  “In a good way, I hope.”

  “In a very good way.”

  Reluctantly, they agreed to call it a night. Alex got Zeb settled on the sofa and kissed him gently.

  “Thank you for today,” Zeb said, “I had a great time.”

  “So did I,” Alex said.

  ZEB WOKE up to the aroma of fresh coffee and the sound of low voices coming from the kitchen. He threw off the blanket, drew up his jeans, and headed toward the bathroom. After doing his business, he washed his face, brushed his teeth, and went in search of some caffeine. Alex and Chyna were sitting at the small table when he walked into the kitchen.

  “Good morning,” Zeb said, grabbing a mug and filling it to the top. “Whatever you’re making smells wonderful.”

  “It’s early afternoon, sugar. And what you’re smelling is plain old gumbo.”

  “What’s in it?” Zeb asked.

  “I normally use seafood, but since all we had was chicken, I went with that.”

  “Is it ready?”

  “Yes, do you want some?” Alex asked.

  “Not for breakfast.”

  “I’ll try it,” Chyna interjected.

  “Go ahead and take care of Chyna,” Zeb said.

  Chyna took a spoonful of the gumbo and chewed. Suddenly, he spat out a slice of green into his hand. “What is this?” he asked Alex.

  “Haven’t you ever had okra?”

  “Is that what this is?” Chyna mused. “Tastes just like jizz—a little slimy, but sort of good.”

  Alex’s eyes rounded in surprise and then he burst into laughter.

  “Doesn’t it?” Chyna asked Zeb.

  “I… wouldn’t… don’t… really, are you kidding me?” Zeb flushed brightly, and he looked ready to explode into a million fragments. He quickly left the room.

  “Oops,” Chyna said. “Did I just out him?”

  Alex gave him a half smile. “Not really.”

  “So, wait a sec,” Chyna said, leaning forward. “Did you guys hook up?”

  Alex made a zipping motion across his lips.

  Luca walked in and sniffed. “Smells great in here.”

  “It’s just spunk according to your boyfriend,” Alex said, pointing at Chyna.

  “Shut up,” Chyna said, grinning.

  “I’ll eat whatever you got,” Luca said.

  “I know,” Chyna cackled.

  Alex laughed while he filled Luca’s bowl with the gumbo.

  “You’d better go after Zeb,” Chyna suggested. “Hate to see him suffer longer than necessary.”

  “What’d I miss?” Luca asked.

  “I might have outed your roommate.”

  Luca’s gaze flitted from Alex to Chyna and back to Alex. “Is he gay?”

  “Not my story to tell, sugar,” Alex said. “Go ahead and enjoy your meal. I’ll check on Zeb.”

  “Remind him we have to be at the bus stop by five if we want to get back to Cornell at a decent time.”

  “Will do.”

  Chapter 5

  ZEB WAS cramming balled-up clothes into his backpack when Alex walked into the bedroom.

  “Hey,” he greeted, sinking down beside Zeb. “Do you need help with folding?”

  “No,” Zeb replied. Irritably, he asked, “Are they still laughing at me?”

  “No one was laughing at you,” Alex said. “Chyna made a stupid cum joke, that’s all.”

  “But it was directed at me!”

  Grasping the back of Zeb’s neck, Alex drew their foreheads together. “It wasn’t.”

  “I don’t know.” Zeb sounded doubtful. “You might have been right to wait. I can’t even take a fucking joke without turning it personal.”

  “There won’t be any hard feelings on my end if you choose to walk away from whatever is going on between us. Over the years, I’ve grown a thick hide, but this is all new to you. Two days ago you were a happy-go-lucky straight boy.”

  Zeb sighed. “Was I?”

  “That’s what it looked like on the surface,” Alex said.

  “You know it’s not true,” Zeb remarked. “I’ve been hoping to connect with someone for a long time, and for whatever reason, I’m drawn to you. How do these things happen so quickly?”

  “If I only had all the answers….”

  “You’ve got some,” Zeb argued.

  “The ones that pertain to me, perhaps, but I can’t speak for you, sugar. All I know for sure is that there are no hard and fast rules. Sexual attraction is subjective. Just because you’re interested in me doesn’t necessarily make you queer. Unless you’re hoping a label will validate your feelings.”

  Zeb cocked his head. “It might explain why I’ve never found the right person; I was looking in all the wrong places.”

  “You could be bisexual,” Alex argued. “Attracted to both sexes at different times in varying degrees.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Are you forgetting I’m trans? It kills me to say this, but might there be some feminine traits left in me that have piqued your interest?”

  “No.” Zeb shook his head. “There’s nothing in the least bit feminine about you.”

  “Thank Christ.”

  “What’s curious,” Zeb continued, “is that I’m not attracted to Luca or Chyna or any other gay man in my immediate vicinity. So I think it’s safe to say my feelings are unique to you.”

  “Then I’m happy for it,” Alex said. “Let’s not put a label on any of this for now.”

  “I understand why you want to wait,” Zeb said slowly. “After everything you’ve been through to get here, you deserve someone who’s confident and a lot more experienced than me.”

  “Maybe, but I’m also drawn to you, emoti
onally and physically. Which doesn’t happen very often. Usually it’s one or the other.”

  “I’m too new at this to come up with an intelligent answer.”

  “Not asking for one, sugar. Just thinking out loud. There’s no sure thing when it comes to relationships,” Alex pointed out. “I’ve always thought of them as one scary carnival ride. One second you’re flying high, and, just as suddenly, you’re confronted with barriers that seem insurmountable.”

  “Have you ever had a long-term boyfriend?”

  “No.”

  “Too picky?”

  Alex shook his head. “Never found the right match.”

  “Talking to you helps,” Zeb confided. “It’s the outside world that might make this difficult for me. How do I explain this shift in my orientation? When will I grow the necessary layers to insulate me from the haters?”

  “The only person who has to understand this is you,” Alex said.

  “You don’t know my family,” Zeb said, snorting in disgust. “Since I’m the baby, my brothers and sisters are constantly in my business. Every decision I make is analyzed. Do you honestly think they won’t tear you apart when I introduce you to the family?”

  Alex’s face must have registered shock because Zeb quickly amended his statement.

  “Look, I know I’m being premature, but I’m trying to think ahead. It’s what I do.”

  “Sugar, I’m flattered you’re about ten steps ahead of the game, but the odds of me meeting your family are pretty slim.”

  “Why?” Zeb asked. “If you’re still in my life when they come to visit next summer, they’ll want to meet you.”