Apples & Oranges (The This & That Series)

by Moss, Brooke

  I raised an eyebrow. “It wasn’t his belly I was planning on scratching.”

  She was usually the voice of reason between the three of us, mostly because she was the mother of three kids and constantly had to break up fights between the little buggers. But she had the whole cooperation thing down pat, compared to Lexie and me. You see, Lexie had only been married to Fletcher about a year, and she and her husband had a blended family with two kids. The closest I’d ever been to an altar was standing in as my mother’s maid-of-honor in her fourth wedding.

  Or was that her sixth? Oh, well. It didn’t really matter.

  Usually at the first sign of contention in a relationship, I was out the door, a habit Candace had been trying to break me of for years. Especially when I dated Lexie’s husband, Fletcher. Yeah. I dated Doctor Fletcher Haybee before Lexie married him. It sounds weirder than it actually was. The man wouldn’t lay a hand on me, because he was so obsessed with my waif-like friend, and by the time we broke up, I was so sexually frustrated, I would’ve made out with a bum.

  I didn’t. But I could have.

  Lexie plopped another basket of fresh sugar snap peas in front of me. “Maybe he just wasn’t interested.”

  “That never happens.” I pointed an empty pod at her. When she smiled innocently at me over her shoulder, I added, “Until Fletcher came along. Damn him.”

  She giggled. “He threw off your mojo.”

  Tossing a handful of pods over my head, I groaned dramatically. I was good at dramatic. “He did! Don’t you understand how frustrating that is?”

  It wasn’t that I thought I was the most attractive woman in the world. Far from it. If I thought I was beautiful, I wouldn’t go see my dermatologist every month, and I wouldn’t have had injected fat from my butt into my lips three years ago. I wouldn’t pay up the nose for hair extensions dyed the perfect shade of caramel to match my eyes, or fork out what most spend on their mortgage for a handbag that I may or may not sleep with at night. No. I didn’t do those things because I felt good about myself. I did them because every time I looked in the mirror, all I saw was my Grandma Rosia’s nose and my father’s downturned mouth—and surgery could only fix the nose so much. I saw cellulite on my thighs and eyebrows that needed weekly waxing because they’re being pulled together like magnets. When I laughed, I sounded like a braying donkey, and when I spoke, I had a low tone that I’d once heard referred to as a “blow job voice.”

  I wanted it to be a compliment, but honestly, I was pretty sure it wasn’t.

  I feigned confidence to cover up that I wasn’t sure I really liked myself at all. I bought designer clothes and drove a now useless Beemer to prove that I was every bit as glamorous and desirable as my mother, and every bit as successful and independent as my father.

  Losing Fletcher to Lexie hadn’t ruined my mojo. The truth was, I’d never really had it in the first place.

  “Maybe you should go out with his nephew,” Candace suggested, pushing out a stool and sitting down next to me. “Whatever his name was. You said he was cute in a gawky kind of way.”

  “It was Trey.” I blew a strand of hair back from my eyes. “And he was cute. But he was also nineteen.”

  “Whatever.” Lexie laughed. “You always say you’re looking for a cougar opportunity.”

  Rolling my eyes, I dropped another handful of peas into the bowl. “Please. It’s called a cougartunity. And nineteen it too young for my blood.”

  Candace shook her head. “My ear doth deceive me.”

  I snarled down at my hands. “It shouldn’t even matter that he doesn’t want me. I don’t want him, either.”

  “But he was hot.” Lexie popped a pea in her mouth. I shot her a look, so she added, “I mean, that’s what you said. And usually when a guy is attractive, you’re all over that like white on rice.”

  “Hot doesn’t really begin to cover it.” I used a pea pod to feign fanning myself. “Seriously, you guys. Demo had the whole rough-around-the-edges thing happening.”

  “Dee-mo?” Lexie scrunched up her nose. “What kind of name is that?”

  “Greek, right?” Candace looked at me for confirmation.

  Nodding, I tugged open another pod. “It’s short for Demetrious. And I can’t for the life of me remember his last name, since it had about forty-two syllables.”

  “Antonopulous,” Candace said triumphantly.

  I gaped at her. “How did you know that?”

  She tossed a handful of peas into the bowl triumphantly. “Triple D’s garage, right?”

  “You were stalking me today.” I smiled despite myself. “You watched me walk around with no shoes, sweating like a sumo wrestler running laps. What kind of a friend are you?”

  “Shut up. I did not.” Candace laughed, tucking her long blonde hair behind her ears. “One of Brian’s patients recommended that place, so he took our minivan there last year. He met Demo once or twice.”

  My stomach twirled. What the crap was that about? I didn’t even know the guy, much less like him, and I was whirling like a top at the mention of his name. This was embarrassing. “Oh, yeah? What did you think?”

  Lexie’s eyes widened. “You like him.”

  “I do not.” I shoved a pea pod into my mouth. “He and I were not exactly simpatico. Complete opposites. Like apples and oranges, we were.”

  “Yes, you do.” She snickered. “Your voice cracked. Besides apples and oranges are both fruit.”

  “Apples are sweet, and oranges are acidic. Totally different. And my voice cracked because that Demo character’s got the keys to my car,” I lied. “So, Candace, as you were saying…”

  She and Lexie exchanged a look. “Well,” she said. “Brian told me he was a bit gruff.”

  Snorting, I reached for the fresh ears of corn I had to shuck. “That’s an understatement.”

  “But he does excellent work.” Candace reached for a corn. “The van purrs like a kitten now. And Demo does work on trade when people can’t afford him. Brian said he once put in a new transmission for a veteran just for serving our country.”

  One of my eyebrows pricked upward. So there was a nice guy underneath Demo’s hard, crusty exterior. It was too bad he was such an ass, because it was impossible for anyone to know there was a nice guy in there.

  “He sounds pretty great, Mar.” Lexie folded some crème fraiche into the shelled peas. “Maybe you should consider asking him out.”

  I pressed a hand to my chest. “Me ask him out? You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  “Marisol doesn’t ask men out.” Candace ripped a leaf off of an ear. “They always ask her, remember?”

  “Oh, that’s right.” Lexie grinned at me. “No wonder you’re so bent out of shape.”

  “I’m not bent out of shape.” Sighing, I dragged my hand down my face, leaving streaks of mascara on my palm. “I’m just… just… okay, fine. I’m bent out of shape.”

  “Aha! I knew it!” Lexie slapped her hand down on the stainless steel table. “You like him.”

  Candace gasped. “Do you really?”

  “No. No, I do not.” I plucked up a few strands of corn silk. “He’s a jerk. A big one. I can think of a few obscenities that describe Demo Antonopolous perfectly. But I won’t say them in present company.” I nodded my head in the direction of the playpen that was set up in the corner of the kitchen, where Lexie’s baby was snoring away.

  “You’re getting soft.” Candace yanked another leaf. “Ever since Lexie had Ian, you’ve stopped swearing so much.”

  Rolling my eyes, I folded my arms across my chest. “Go to hell. I have not.”

  “Yes, you have.” Lexie nodded. “The other day you spelled out penis head.”

  “She did?” Candace put her arm around me and squeezed me tight. “Oh, Marisol, I’m so proud of you.”

  Cringing, I wriggled out of her grip. “Okay, okay. Come on. You know how I feel about affection and all that.” She giggled and let go, so I smoothed my hair down casually. “What I’m t
rying to say is, I don’t like Demo. But he’s nice to look at. And he could be cruising all over Spokane right now in my car.”

  Lexie stopped stirring. “I thought your car was broken down?”

  “It is.” I shook my head. “You’re missing the point.”

  “Well, get to it,” laughed Candace.

  “My point is,” I said. “Demo acts like a total bastard, and I’m pretty sure he’s got a Tasmanian devil tattoo on his back hidden beneath some Greek lettering, which knocks him further up on the douche scale. But he’s also gorgeous. And I loves me a gorgeous man, am I right, or am I right?”

  “Right,” they both said in unison.

  “You’re sort of known for your impeccable taste in men,” Candace pointed out. “You tend to stalk any prey wearing an Armani suit, and you don’t stop until you’ve torn him to shreds.”

  “Which begs me to ask…” Lexie added some fresh chives to her mixture. “Isn’t this mechanic a little bit…” She bit her lip and winced. “You know, below your standards?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I snapped.

  “Calm down.” Candace touched my shoulder. “What Lex is trying to say is, didn’t you once tell us that Annalise taught you not to date below a certain standard?”

  Lexie nodded. “Which is why you wouldn’t go out with the garbage man when he asked.”

  “He was pretty fine, too,” Candace agreed.

  Embarrassment pressed down on my shoulders, and I had to force myself to stay sitting up straight. I didn’t want to show my friends that I was embarrassed by my behavior. I worked hard to appear cocky all the time.

  “Maybe I’m trying to change that.” When both Candace and Lexie looked at me curiously, I added, “About myself. I’m trying to stop snubbing people because of my mother’s stupid rules. Where have her rules gotten her?”

  “Good point,” Lexie said at the same time Candace blurted, “Kudos to you, Mar.”

  “Gee, thanks,” I muttered.

  Lexie tossed a pea in my direction. “It’s good to see you broadening your horizons. There’s a whole world of blue collar men you’re missing out on.”

  “I’m not saying I’m going to start at the top of the list and work my way down.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. I’d been in a funk all day, beginning when I sat down with my mother at the restaurant and cresting when Demo-the-mechanic rejected my advances. It didn’t matter that I’d only been trying to score faster towing. Now that I knew he didn’t want me, I wanted him. How screwed up was that?

  “Want to go out with the guy who cleaned our gutters last spring?” Candace asked, picking up the stray pea Lexie threw, and popping it in my mouth. “He was cute. In a parolee sort of way.”

  “Ooooh, an ex con.” Lexie’s eyes lit up. “That’s a good starting point.”

  “Is that all you guys think of me?” My eyes bounced between both of their faces a few times. “That I’m just your slutty friend who is going to hump her way through the garbage men and landscapers in town?”

  They blinked at me. “Um.” Lexie swallowed a mouthful of crème fraiche, a smile ticking the corners of her mouth. “No?”

  I tore some corn silk off of an ear. “That sounded convincing.”

  Candace bumped shoulders with me. “Come on. Let your old, married friends live vicariously through you. It’s not every day we get to seduce men with the use of our prowess, like you.”

  “Just once I’d like to be able to talk Fletcher into bed in Spanish,” Lexie announced, wistfully staring off into space.

  “It doesn’t work.” I smirked at her, despite myself. “I tried, remember?”

  “It sure didn’t.” Candace snorted. “Brian tries to talk dirty to me in Mandarin, but it always sounds like he’s cussing me out.”

  Lexie and I dissolved into giggles.

  “Wait, wait, wait.” I shook my head. “You guys are going off on tangents, and I have a point to all this.”

  “Well, get to it!” Laughed Lexie. “You lost me way back at the Tasmanian devil tattoo.”

  I took a deep breath, then released it slowly. “I don’t like being a snob like my mother.”

  “Good,” they both said in unison.

  “And I don’t like being rejected.” I blew my hair back again. “So maybe I just need to get this Demo character off my chest. You know, scratch an itch and all that.”

  “You mean you do want to go out with him?” Lexie pointed a finger at Candace. “I told you.”

  “Fine.” Candace reached into her pocket, and produced a dollar bill. When she saw me gaping at her, she added, “I just didn’t think you’d admit it.”

  “I’m gonna take it a step farther. I think Mar wants more than just to slum it,” Lexie announced decidedly, pushing her glasses up. “I think she wants domesticity. The house, the husband, the minivan, the two-point-five kids and a golden retriever.”

  “Don’t get carried away,” I interrupted.

  “Can it, Vargas.” Candace nodded at Lexie. My two friends were conspiring against me, as usual. It was like this when they tried to convince me to stop tanning, too. “All this time with baby Ian, and she’s decided that procreation isn’t as vulgar as she originally thought.”

  Lexie snapped her fingers. “So she is going soft.”

  “I never thought this day would come.” Candace waved her hands in front of her face, as if she were trying to avoid tears. “Our girl’s all grown up.”

  My cheeks heated, so I hid behind a veil of my hair. They were right. Or partially right. After watching their husbands hold their chairs for them, and listening to the tinkling sound of their kids laughing when they made goofy faces and offered peanut butter and jelly sandwiches without the crust… I was starting to think I was missing out on something.

  Before Lexie and Fletcher unified their family, I was a serial dater. And until recently I saw no reason to change that. But nowadays I was surrounded by happy couples and happy families, and everywhere I looked everyone was happy, happy, happy. It was sickening. But I kind of wanted it, too.

  And it wasn’t like I was going to find it with Demo-the-mechanic. Oh, no. He was nothing more than what I called him: an itch that needed to be scratched. But secretly, deep down under my coiffed exterior, I longed for someone to curl up with while wearing sweats and eating peanut butter straight out of the jar. I just wasn’t ready to admit it to the world. Or my best friends.

  “You’re looking pretty contemplative, Mar.” Candace stopped what she was doing and watched me closely. “Seriously. Are you thinking about asking Demo out?

  I shrugged. “Maybe.”

  A distraction. That’s what I needed. Something to take my mind off my twisted perspective on marriage and relationships. Something to take my mind off the overjoyed lovebirds that were my adoptive family. And seducing the hot guy who rejected me was just the ticket. An ego boost would make me feel better. Normal.

  “You’re contemplating actually dating the Tasmanian devil tattoo guy?” Lexie’s eyes widened. “Like, for more than a week?”

  Candace elbowed her. “Be nice.”

  “Okay, a month?” she corrected.

  “Whatever.” I wrinkled my nose at my friends. “Having babies is gross. And I’m not dating the mechanic because I’ve got some sort of domestic fever. I’m dating the mechanic because he’s hot. And nobody rejects me. Nobody.”

  They exchanged a glance.

  “There’s the Marisol we know and love,” Candace said wryly.

  Lexie sighed. “I had such high hopes. I would have made a poppy seed cake with buttercream frosting for the reception.”

  My stomach growled. She did know my favorites. I pushed myself back from the table. “Oh, give it up. Both of you.”

  Pressing the feelings of loneliness and inadequacy that had been following me around like smog for the past few weeks—okay, the past few months—deep in the back recesses of my mind, I gestured at the playpen. “Lex, take your baby home and get your freak
on with the good doctor.”

  “Wait, I still need to get this fresh pea mixture into the pastry shells.” She looked longingly at the playpen. “Fletcher’s been on call, so we haven’t seen each other in days. I miss him.”

  Jealousy tugged at my heart, but I covered it up with an exaggerated eye roll. “Ugh. Please. I can finish this. Just go. And you.” I pointed to Candace. “You don’t even work here. Enough with the helping us out for free. Go home and mug on your hubby, and I’ll cut you a check for your time tomorrow.”

  “Are you sure?” she asked.

  I nodded. “Of course. Now get out of here, would you? Your happy marriage and family talk is giving me a stomachache. Besides, as soon as you leave, I’m opening up a bottle of that merlot we have for tomorrow’s event.”

  Lexie narrowed her eyes at me. “Ha ha. Real funny.” It was common knowledge that she’d gotten pregnant after indulging in a bottle of merlot all alone. “How will you get home?”

  Candace dropped her car keys onto the table. “Take my car. Lexie can drop me off, then I’ll pick it back up in the morning.”

  “Thanks,” I said with a wave. “You guys are the best.”

  “We know,” Lexie said as they made their way towards the door.

  I watched as they packed up their things and left into the setting sun, back to their homes full of noise and chaos. When I finally meandered my way home, I would be met by a bitchy male Siamese cate and leftover Thai takeout in the fridge. No noise. No mess. Just the quiet stillness of a single woman’s home filled with furniture that matched and coordinated more than it actually provided comfort. Nobody would be there to welcome me. Nobody would care whether I showed up or not, except Cocinero, who would eventually get tired of licking his own balls and want some tuna.

  Grabbing a rubber spatula, I sat down at the table and started turning the pea mixture again. Grunting at myself for being so pathetic, I caught a glimpse of myself in a nearby stainless steel bowl. My hair was frizzed into a halo around my face, and most of my makeup had gathered underneath my lower lashes in some sort of Emo look I was entirely too old for. I looked like hell.

  “You’d better get yourself together,” I said to my reflection. “Especially if you’re going to seduce Demo-the-mechanic tomorrow.”