Every Last Beat

by Nicole S. Goodin

  His smile is so sweet and genuine I seriously consider taking him up on his offer.

  I could tell him. I could open my mouth and let the words all fall out. It’s not that I don’t trust him with the information, but I can’t bring myself to taint this picture-perfect moment.

  The golden sun is sinking out of view behind him and I don’t want to ruin this small lapse in time.

  “I think one day you might be able to.”

  He smiles at me and looks down at his shoes before meeting my eyes again.

  I’m learning this is how he reacts when I give him an answer that he likes – one that really speaks to his soul.

  “Violet?” he says quietly as he looks out at the ocean.

  “Yeah?”

  “You could never be insignificant.”

  He reaches for me and as the sun disappears from sight, I’m left standing in the dim light with my hand held in his.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Rylan

  I can’t even remember the last time I had what I would call a good dream.

  It’s not that my nights are filled with nightmares or the stuff from horror films, but I haven’t had that feeling where you wake up smiling in a really long time.

  But I’m smiling now, and I know Violet is the reason for that.

  Last night was even better than the first we spent together.

  I can’t recall a time where I’ve felt so content in someone’s presence.

  She’s not like others. She’s got more depth than half the people I’ve met thus far in life put together, and when I talk, she listens, really listens to the words I’m saying… but more than that, I think she understands my reasons for saying them too.

  She’s funny, considerate and so, so beautiful.

  I can’t stop myself from looking at her. I know she notices it; the stain of blush on her cheeks assures me she’s aware, but she’s not once complained.

  I smile again as I picture her hand in mine. My skin still tingles in the spot where it met hers. It’s unbelievable really; I never thought a walk and a scoop of ice cream could bring me so much happiness.

  Happiness… it’s something I wasn’t sure I’d truly experience again. My sister dying sort of sucked all the joy from my life, but ever since I met Violet, I feel it again.

  It’s there.

  And when I kissed her goodbye, under the stars and the moon once again, I’d felt the last of my reservations slip away.

  She is the girl with the blue eyes – the girl who gave me hope.

  I’ve got no choice but to see where this goes, and even if I did have the ability to choose, I know that she’s what I’d decide on.

  This is one of those situations in life where it seems as though it’s less about me making a choice, than it is about a choice making me.

  I’ve had moments since I made this realisation where I don’t understand why I couldn’t have met her then, why we couldn’t have had the past three years to get to know each other instead of just the past few days.

  The past three days have been better than I thought was possible, whereas I’ve endured these past three years.

  There’s no other way to describe it. I get by okay now, but when I’m with Violet, it doesn’t feel like just ‘getting by’, it feels like living.

  I realise in an instant that it doesn’t matter why or how this has all come to be, all that matters is that she’s here – that she’s in my life now.

  Maybe it is fate – Daisy was always a big believer in fate.

  Maybe this is our time.

  Maybe I wasn’t meant to meet her three years ago… neither of us were in a place where we could have been ready for another person in our lives… but I think we’re both there now.

  I think I’m ready for not only someone, but for her… I hope to God that she’s ready for me too.

  She’s on my mind so constantly, there’s no space for darkness anymore.

  Once again, she is my light.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Violet

  I scrawl the word ‘happiness’ on the back of the canvas and collapse into my chair with a thud.

  I’m so totally exhausted, but at the same time, I’ve never felt so alive.

  My eyes can barely stay open, and I know I’ll be paying for pulling this all-nighter for days to come, but as I turn the canvas around and look at it one more time, I know it was all worth it.

  It’s everything he’s making me feel, exposed and raw on the surface in front of me.

  I’ve felt a lot of things in my life, but never anything that’s come close to this.

  I can’t tell if this is what it always feels like when you meet someone you like, or if this is something more than that… I’m too inexperienced to know.

  My gut tells me it’s more – that this is so much more than some crush, but I’m scared to say it out loud, I’m scared to do anything that might jinx it. The last thing I want is to tar this with my usual bad luck brush.

  I want this to be real.

  I remember the way Lucy was when she met Emmett, I’d never seen her so smitten. She fell in love with that man the moment she met him, and she still loves him just as fiercely now.

  I’ve never given much thought to the concept of soul mates before, but when I look at the two of them, it’s a hard notion to deny.

  I’ve wondered for a long time if I’d ever find love. I know it’s worried my mum a lot too.

  I guess as a parent, you sort of just assume that one day your children will find someone to cherish them. Most parents probably just hope that when their future son or daughter-in-law is chosen, that they’re a good person.

  My mum’s worries run a little deeper… as do mine.

  There are all the normal considerations, like personality, looks and chemistry, but I’ve got the added pressure of finding someone who is equally as considerate as they are good looking, and as accepting as they are funny.

  Not everyone out there has it in them to love those of us who aren’t quite ‘normal’, and finding someone who loves me, despite the state of my heart, was never going to be a simple task.

  I think of myself as a bit of a hazard.

  Loving me carries so much risk. I read a book when I was younger, and the main girl talks about herself and her illness as being like a grenade – that one day she’ll blow up and that everyone in her life will be casualties.

  I feel that on a deep level. That’s the reality of my life a lot of the time. I can’t fathom that the value of knowing me is worth the risk of the fallout from losing me.

  Mum, Dad, Charlie and Auggie, they don’t really have an option… you can’t choose your family, and they’re stuck with me whether they like it or not.

  Lucy though… she’s here by choice. Nobody tells Lucy what to do – and believe me, I’ve tried. She’s as stubborn as an old goat and there’s no way she’s going anywhere.

  She really is the best friend a girl could ask for.

  And then there’s Rylan… I know we’ve only been on two dates, but it feels like so much more than that.

  We share a connection.

  I know I’m going to have to tell him soon… and when I do, he’ll probably flee. Any sane person probably would.

  I hope for his sake that he does.

  I can already tell he’s an incredible man. He’s got so much going for him, and his future shines so bright it’s like looking directly into the sun.

  He deserves someone who can give him so much more than I can.

  A family, good health, time…

  None of those things are promised to me.

  Not one doctor has been able to tell me what my future holds.

  There’s statistics and averages, possibilities and chances, but none of those things are guaranteed and they’re certainly not certain.

  All I can do is hope for the best.

  I guess I’m one of the lucky ones when I think about it.

  I lasted twenty-one years before my h
eart really tried to kick the bucket, and it took less than a year to find a new heart for me – which, in the scheme of things, isn’t all that long.

  I’ve made it three years past transplant now, and the chances of my body rejecting the organ are significantly reduced.

  There’s a long list of risks and problems that can arise from having a heart transplant, but so far, I’ve got by okay – a couple of infections my body had trouble fighting off, a little bit of emotional trauma, and one significant hospital stay… but all in all, it’s been pretty uneventful in comparison to the year that preceded my transplant.

  I don’t know how long this heart will last me, or whether it might just give up on me one day… I don’t know if I’ll need another transplant or if medical science will evolve to the point where there’s another option.

  It’s all the unknown. My whole life is one big unknown.

  Rylan has everything going for him. He’s smart, attractive, kind and funny – he’s a doctor for crying out loud.

  He could have any woman he wanted.

  I know that worrying about this is probably totally unnecessary, but I can’t seem to help it – maybe I did inherit some personality traits from my mother after all.

  I know that Rylan might decide to wake up tomorrow and never contact me again. Rationally, I understand that, but I’ve got my hopes up and for someone who has spent her whole life not getting her hopes up, this is a big deal for me.

  It’s clear there’s only one thing for it.

  I have to tell him.

  I need to make sure he’s fully informed about me and my life before I let myself or him get anymore invested.

  Sometimes the only way to move forward is by going back.

  ***

  “I’m going to tell him.”

  Lucy looks up from her lunch in surprise. “What? Already?”

  I stare at her in confusion. I could have sworn this was the same Lucy that was telling me I shouldn’t keep it a secret any longer.

  “I thought you wanted me to tell him?”

  “I do,” she blurts out quickly. “I totally think you should tell him. I’m just surprised that you’re agreeing to it so early in the piece... that’s all.”

  “I mean… I dunno… I think he needs to know.” I shrug.

  She narrows her eyes at me as she sets her knife down, and now I know I’m in for it. Lucy – especially a pregnant Lucy, doesn’t let anything come between her and her food. I watched Emmett attempt to take a French fry off her plate the other day and he was lucky to make it out of there without her fork stabbed into his arm.

  “What do you mean by that?”

  I avoid her stare and push my own food around my plate.

  “Violet…” she warns me when I don’t answer.

  “I just think he should know what he’s getting himself into, okay? I’m damaged goods, and I’d hate for him to start to like me and then change his mind once he found out. I’d rather it happen before then.”

  I’m looking right at her now so I don’t miss the softening of her eyes.

  “Oh, Letty… that’s not going to happen…”

  “You don’t know that.”

  She goes to repeat her statement of denial again but stops herself. “You know what, you’re right. I don’t know, but I do know that he’s a good man, a really good man… and a doctor – a little bit of a heart defect shouldn’t be able to scare him off.”

  I can’t help but laugh at Lucy’s downplaying of my condition. I know she’s not being serious and I also know she’s achieved exactly what she set out to do – she’s made me smile.

  “Please don’t write him off just yet, let him be the one who decides to stay or go – don’t make that choice for him.”

  She’s right. I’m doing what has become habit for me – I’m expecting the worst.

  Maybe just this once I should try hoping for the best instead and see what comes of it.

  I’m staring at my plate, quietly contemplating what to do when she speaks again.

  “You really like him then?”

  Once again, she’s hit the nail on the head.

  Telling him is as much about me as it is about him.

  Yes, I want him to know the whole truth, so he can make his own choices, but I also want him to know so that I can limit the damage to my own heart if he walks away. I’m aware that I’m getting invested in him already, and I don’t want to catch any more feelings if he’s just going to leave me.

  “I’ve never felt this way, Luce. I’m really scared.”

  She reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze. “It’s good to be scared sometimes… it means you’re alive.”

  I like that she doesn’t try to dig for more information, I know that she will, but for now she knows I need the support of my best friend, not the full Spanish Inquisition.

  “I’ve got a good feeling about him, Violet.”

  I’ve got lots of feelings about him too – but that doesn’t help my nerves in the slightest, in fact if anything, I think it makes it worse.

  Chapter Forty

  Rylan

  To: Rylan

  From: Violet

  Okay, there’s something I have to ask…

  I’m smiling at my phone like some kind of crazy person. Thankfully I’m in the privacy of my exam room, so no one can see me anyway, but honestly, I’m not sure anything could wipe the smile off my face right now – not even my colleagues thinking I’d lost my mind entirely.

  This light-hearted banter has been going on for the past hour or so, and it’s lucky really that I’m here in my spare time again and not on shift, because I’m not sure I’d be able to focus on anything other than Violet and her messages.

  My phone beeps indicating another text has arrived, and I smile even bigger as I anticipate her question.

  To: Rylan

  From: Violet

  So you look at… you know… lady parts all day… I mean wouldn’t you get sick of seeing that… like in your personal life?

  I laugh out loud at that one.

  I can almost see her blushing from here. She’s adorable really.

  To: Violet

  From: Rylan

  You know what; it is just vagina all day around here… it’s really a wonder I haven’t turned gay over it.

  I wait for her reply almost anxiously. I’m not sure how she’ll respond to my teasing.

  To: Rylan

  From: Violet

  You just made me spit a mouthful of water across the room, so touché… I’ll give you ten points for that one. I’ll also take that as a no to my question.

  I’m thinking about how incredible she is when another text comes through before I have a chance to reply.

  To: Rylan

  From: Violet

  P.s. While I have no issue with gay men, I’m really glad you aren’t one.

  She’s funny too.

  No one has made me smile like this in years, and here she is, making me laugh without even trying.

  I’m dying to see her again; she’s like an addiction I can’t satisfy.

  To: Violet

  From: Rylan

  I like you, Violet Miller.

  Her reply is instantaneous.

  To: Rylan

  From: Violet

  I like you too, Rylan Wilder.

  ***

  “What are you doing tomorrow?”

  Her eyes are bright and excited and it’s infectious. When she smiles, I smile.

  I’ve got a strong suspicion that whatever Violet was feeling, I’d feel it too. It’s like there’s a direct link between her emotions and mine.

  It might be invisible to the eye, but I feel it… it’s there, and while it terrifies me, it also excites me like nothing else.

  “I’ve got the day off tomorrow actually.”

  I don’t know why she’s asking, but it doesn’t matter, if there’s anything on offer, I’ll take it.

  I had to work the last two days, and they were the longest da
ys of my life. Knowing I had a date with Violet waiting for me tonight made the hours seem to drag on forever. I can’t recall a time when I was actually more eager for something outside of the hospital, rather than something within it.

  “Perfect.” She grins at me as I open the door into the bowling alley – our destination for the evening. “I’ve got somewhere I want to take you.”

  She’s so pretty when she smiles. It lights up her whole face and causes those deep dimples in her cheeks that I’m beginning to crave.

  “I’m intrigued.”

  “I’ll pick you up, okay?”

  “Tour guide and chauffer, huh?”

  “At your service.” She winks.

  She strolls off ahead of me and I find myself following along behind her like a little puppy dog.

  “Are you not going to tell me where we’re going?”

  She turns back to face me, her eyes sparkling with mischief.

  “I bet you’re one of those people that hate surprises, am I right?”

  She’s exactly right. I thoroughly dislike them, but I’m not about to tell her that.

  I like to have a plan. I get enough of the unknown and unexpected with my job, so I tend to avoid it in my personal life – when I actually bother to have a personal life that is, but I already know I’ll make some type of exception for her.

  “Me?” I make a show of balking at her statement. “I love surprises.”

  She giggles, and I’m filled with warmth. “You’re a terrible liar.”

  She’s right about that too. I always have been… my sister always said I couldn’t lie to save my life.

  It bothered me as a child, but now I like to think of it as one of my better qualities.