Every Last Beat

by Nicole S. Goodin

  I can’t fathom how any of this possibly makes sense.

  “I saw you, Rylan… the last thing I saw was your eyes and the only thing I could hear in the darkness was your voice. You saved me.”

  “Me?” I stutter the word as I take a step closer. “I didn’t know you, you didn’t know me…”

  “Yet you were outside my room all those months later… I don’t know how to explain it, we’d never met… I don’t know how it’s possible…”

  I tear my eyes away from the image and meet her gaze with what I’m sure is a look of utter confusion and wonder.

  “But it was you, Rylan, I do know that.”

  ***

  “This might sound stupid, but it feels like I’m here for you,” she whispers. “Maybe I survived because I hadn’t found you yet… ever since I woke up, it’s as though every moment has led me to this one.”

  I know exactly what she means.

  The past three years never felt like they were going anywhere at all, but now that I’m here with her in my arms, it does seem like a journey.

  It feels like there’s a map imprinted on my heart, and every single road leads to her.

  If it weren’t for my sister’s accident I never would have laid eyes on Violet. I never would have moved into Daisy’s house and got a job at the hospital she worked in. I never would have met Emmett or Lucy, and I wouldn’t have been set up on that first date with Violet.

  I wouldn’t be here now.

  It devastates me to think that my sister dying had set something like this in motion – that without her leaving me, I never would have found the woman I love with everything I have.

  There’s a million thoughts flying through my head and I’ve got so many questions, but one thing seems to stand out among the rest.

  Daisy… it was Daisy that brought us together.

  I stroke Violet’s hair before placing a tender kiss to her forehead.

  We’re out under the stars – in the place that’s become ours.

  Bear’s here with us, and nothing has ever felt more right.

  Even though I’m missing so much, I somehow feel complete.

  I have everything I need right here, it’s not everything I want from my life, but I know for certain that it is all I’ll ever need.

  I glance down at Violet and she’s staring up at the dark vastness with a look of total wonder on her face. They’re the very same stars we look at most nights, but each time she searches that sky it’s like she’s seeing it all for the very first time.

  I’ve often found myself wondering what she sees through those eyes of hers.

  She doesn’t perceive things like the rest of us do. I know she has fears and worries, I know that she has more insecurities than most, but she has a sense of peace that surrounds her… it envelops her.

  She sees the good in everything and that good is reflected back to her, almost as though she’s absorbing it into her soul.

  I’d give almost anything to look at the world through her eyes, even just for five minutes. I bet there’s no one on earth that sees those stars the way she does.

  “Rylan?” she whispers into the cool night air.

  “Yeah?”

  “What do you think it means?”

  She’s apprehensive about my answer. I can see her teeth worrying her bottom lip the way she always does when she’s nervous.

  I’m not sure I have an answer for her. When it comes to things like fate and destiny, I’ve never been a big believer, but there’s no other way to explain this. I brought her back from the brink of death and in turn, she saved me in my darkest hour.

  There’s credit due to something or someone for that, but I don’t have any idea where to begin with my thank yous.

  I also don’t know how to answer the woman I love.

  I turn and push up onto my elbow so I’m leaning over her. “I think it means we’re exactly where we’re meant to be.”

  “You and me?” She whispers the words in a voice so uncertain it threatens to break my heart.

  “You and me… Us… maybe it’s as simple as the fact that we we’re meant to put each other back together again.”

  Chapter Fifty-Three

  Violet

  “That’s it… that’s the whole story.” My voice has wound up being so quiet I’m not sure she will have caught everything I said, but when I look up it’s obvious she understands exactly what I’ve told her.

  I didn’t come over here with the intention to spill my guts to Lucy like this, but when beautiful little Harper fell asleep in my arms, the story had just flowed from me for some reason.

  I’m still not entirely sure why I never told Lucy about what happened to me – and as strange as it was to have a secret from her all these years, in a way I’m glad I did.

  Auggie might have known this whole time, but it was all just a dream until Rylan turned up. Now that he’s here and we’re together, it really has developed into one hell of a story.

  “So I can’t take credit for you two after all?” She pouts, and I laugh.

  Of course that would be her first response.

  Luce is so proud of herself for setting us up; her and Emmett haven’t stopped gloating about it since we became an official couple.

  I am incredibly grateful to them both, and I don’t want to burst her bubble, but I think she was just a pawn in something much bigger than any of us.

  “I hate to break it to you, but I think I saw him first.”

  I’m surprised she isn’t bombarding me with questions and demanding answers, but right now she seems to just be absorbing everything I’ve told her.

  I can’t blame her for needing a minute to process, it’s taken me a long time to get my head around, and I’m the one who experienced it.

  I wouldn’t fault Lucy if she didn’t believe me at all – it’s a pretty surreal and farfetched tale, but she always has been a bit more spiritual than me, so she’s likely to deem the whole thing as destiny.

  “I think I felt it, you know? The first moment I met him, it was you that popped into my head. In my brain at least, the two of you have always been connected.”

  It makes me happy that she thinks of the two of us like that.

  I’ve thought a lot about it lately – how we’re all intertwined with one another’s stories. Lucy and I, Lucy and Emmett, Rylan and I, Emmett and Rylan, Emmett and I… all three of these people are responsible in their own way for saving my life – for keeping me alive both emotionally and physically.

  I may have been dealt a really shitty health hand over the years, but I’ve been handed an absolute winning combination when it comes to company, love and relationships, and if I think about it, I’m not sure I’d trade one for the other.

  I’d rather experience the struggles I have and be around these incredible people, than have a perfect bill of health with no one of any significance to share it with.

  “I’m so glad you found him, Letty – even if it wasn’t because of my match making skills – you deserve to be happy.”

  I’ve got goose bumps on my arms and legs still – it happens every time I think about what I saw in my vision.

  “You know, I pictured him in my sleep every night for years… but I don’t have to dream anymore, Luce, I can just roll over and he’s there. It’s surreal – my whole life feels like a dream now.”

  “That must be the weirdest thing.”

  “I have to keep convincing myself that it is real…”

  “It’s real.” She smiles sadly at me and I know it’s because she understands why I’m always waiting for it all to go wrong – that’s the way it’s been my whole life. “He’s not going anywhere, I’ve seen the way he looks at you – he might be willing to fight for you even harder than I have.”

  I can’t imagine anyone other than my mum and dad fighting harder for me than Lucy has, but when I picture Rylan in my mind, I can’t help but consider that maybe he might be the strongest fighter of all.

  ***


  Rylan is still out in the garage working with Emmett – he’s helping him build a set of shelves for Harper’s room and while they’re out there throwing around their testosterone and man skills, I’m getting my baby fix.

  “She’s seriously so cute, how do you get anything done? I just want to stare at her all day.” I swoon.

  “Why do you think my washing pile is so huge?” Lucy grumbles half-heartedly.

  She’s not joking either – I do at least two loads every time I come over and it barely makes a dent in the huge mountain.

  Harper is still sleeping peacefully in my arms and she’s just so unbelievably beautiful. It’s hard to believe she’s real – until she’s exercising the strong set of lungs she’s got on her anyway.

  I run my finger lightly over her cheek and smile at her total perfection.

  I hear the click of a camera. I look up and Lucy is smiling at the picture she’s just captured of me and her little girl.

  I scowl at her, photos have never really been my favourite thing, but I don’t bother complaining, it would only fall on deaf ears.

  “It suits you, Letty.” She looks between her daughter and me.

  A lump forms in my throat the instant the words leave her mouth and I have to fight to swallow it down.

  I don’t know why I’m getting so emotional about it, but all of a sudden, I can feel tears forming in the corner of my eyes.

  The fact that I’ll never have my own baby isn’t a new revelation; in fact, it’s something I’ve thought about a lot over the years. Especially lately, after I’ve spent time with my goddaughter – it’s a topic that’s been pretty front and centre in my mind.

  It’s not that I want a baby right now, because I don’t – not yet… but one day I would have loved to be a mother.

  I know there are other options like adoption and surrogacy, but I also realise that those are easy things to talk about, but unfortunately not so easy to make happen. They’re expensive and time consuming, and even then, there’s no guarantee.

  “I’m not sure it’s on the cards for me.”

  “You saw a baby, Letty.”

  “That doesn’t mean it’ll happen.”

  I’m aware that I saw Rylan, and I got him – but that doesn’t mean this will work the same way.

  A baby is in no way promised to me because of something I conjured up in my mind in a near-death experience.

  I’ve been given so much; I know it’s not fair of me to expect anything more. I already owe so much more than I’m owed in return.

  “Violet,” says the voice I’d recognise even in my sleep.

  I had no idea Rylan was listening to us, so when he speaks it startles me.

  He steps into the room and the sight of his intense stare on my face takes my breath away.

  “If you want a baby, I’ll do anything I can to make it a reality for us.”

  He crouches down next to me and wraps his arms around my body. It makes me feel safe and while he’s right here, holding me close, I believe what he’s telling me.

  He rests his forehead against mine and glances down at the precious little girl in my arms.

  “I can’t promise you a baby, but I can promise you we’ll try every option there is, if that’s what you want, okay?”

  I know he means it – babies and reproductive organs are literally his speciality, but I can’t allow myself to get my hopes up where this is concerned.

  “And if it doesn’t happen?” My voice cracks.

  “If it doesn’t happen then we’ll get through it together. I don’t know how many times I have to say this before you’ll believe me, but you are all I need.”

  I do believe him, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel guilt or worry over it.

  I know I’m enough for him, and he’s enough for me too.

  I do want a baby one day, I want one so badly, but deep down I know that he’s enough.

  We’ve got each other and that’ll always be everything I need, but I can’t help but wish that it wasn’t another sacrifice he has to make because he’s fallen in love with a broken woman.

  Chapter Fifty-Four

  Rylan

  “Tell me about your sister.”

  Violet’s lying on the couch, with her eyes closed and her head in my lap, and I honestly thought she’d nodded off.

  I have a feeling she’s been up all night painting while I slept because she’s been totally exhausted all day.

  “What do you want to know?” I ask as I twirl a strand of her hair around my finger.

  “Anything,” she breathes. “Just tell me anything.”

  I feel guilty for not being more open with her – ever since I told her about losing my sister we have talked about her, but it’s been those types of conversations where you do a lot of talking but at the same time, say nothing at all.

  Violet knows my sister’s name and that she was a doctor… she knows that after she died I moved here and into her house.

  I’ve told her about my dad passing away when I was a teenager and about my now elderly mother who suffered early onset dementia back home.

  She doesn’t know anything about who Daisy was as a person or the fact that she basically raised me at times. She doesn’t know that we shared a mother, but not a father and that we were all each other had for a good portion of my life.

  I want to tell her everything, I really do, but every time I try, the words get caught in my throat and pushed back down deep.

  I know I should talk about her more – Daisy deserves to be remembered and not forgotten, and I know it’s important to Violet too, so I put down the book I was reading, take a deep breath and start talking as best I can.

  “I remember when I was eleven, Daisy would have been about twenty-one, it was my birthday, and my parents had promised me a skateboard. It was the only thing I wanted, and I was so excited to finally be getting one. Anyway, the day came, Dad was sick, and Mum was already beginning to forget things, and that’s what happened to my skateboard – they forgot to get one for me.” I’d put on a brave face and told them it didn’t matter, but truthfully, I was devastated.

  I know now that it’s just a toy, and if I’d known at the time that only a year and a half later my father would be gone, and that my mother’s mind would be taken from her not long after that, I doubt I would have cared about doing anything other than spending the day with the both of them.

  That’s the real kicker about hindsight.

  “I’ll never forget the look on Daisy’s face when she realised what had happened. She disappeared for an hour and when she came back she had with her the same exact skateboard I’d pointed out in the store a few weeks before.”

  “She sounds like a good big sister,” Violet murmurs, her eyes still shut.

  “She was the best.”

  It hurts my heart that I have to say ‘was’ instead of ‘is’ – that I have no choice but to talk about her in past tense rather than present.

  “It was a beautiful sunny day, and the four of us went down to the park so I could practise using it. Daisy stayed there with me all day, long after Mum and Dad headed back home. She wasn’t too cool for her little brother, or too busy either. When she moved away she always made sure to come home for things like birthdays and holidays. She loved me the same way a mother loves her child – unconditionally.”

  “You miss her a lot.” It’s not a question, but a statement.

  “Every single day.”

  Violet yawns and wiggles around to get more comfortable. “Tell me another story.”

  So I tell her the very next thing I can think of.

  “She’s the reason I went to med school.”

  “Yeah?” she answers sleepily.

  “I got really good grades in high school, but I had no idea what I was going to do when it came time to leave. I went to visit Daisy once; she was working as a GP in a small town while she furthered her study. She was running late so I went into the clinic to wait for her.

  A lady i
n the waiting room started talking to me. She went on and on about how much Daisy had helped improve the symptoms of her arthritis, but it wasn’t just her Daisy had helped, it seemed that everyone in town had a problem my sister had looked at and done her best to fix. She was helping people – giving back to the world, and it just dawned on me that I wanted to do that too.

  Daisy’s always done that for me – lead by example. She never put any pressure on me to make a decision about my future; she never even suggested medicine as a potential field for me. Instead she just showed me the way.

  I enrolled last minute, and I don’t know how, but I got accepted, and as they say, the rest is history.”

  I realise I’m smiling as I talk about my sister. This is the first time I’ve associated her memory with any emotion other than despair and I’m shocked that I’ve managed it.

  I look down at Violet, so I can share my achievement with her, but when my eyes land on her pretty face, it’s obvious she’s finally let sleep take her.

  Her lips are parted, and her breathing is deep and steady.

  She might not be able to hear me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t talk.

  I tug the blanket off the back of the couch and drape it gently over her before telling her story after story – filling in her sleeping form about exactly who my sister was.

  Chapter Fifty-Five

  Violet

  There’s something I need to do – something I’ve been putting off for a long while now because it just seems too… hard.

  I need to make contact with the family of my donor.

  It’s been four years now since they lost their loved one and I still know nothing about the person who in death, saved my life.

  I don’t know if it was a man or a woman, or if they were young or old.

  I don’t know how they died or if their organs were used to save anybody else.