‘What sort of cuts?’
‘Self-inflicted ones. Both arms.’
‘Oh, my God! Why?’
‘She was a daddy’s girl. She idolised that man, but she’d come home from school earlier that week to find several suitcases in the hall. She thought they were going on a surprise holiday, but the surprise was that he’d met someone else and was moving out. She hadn’t seen it coming and took it personally. In her eyes, it wasn’t her mum he was rejecting; it was her. She locked herself in her room, grabbed a pair of scissors and started slashing things like books, clothes, her curtains. And then she slashed her arms.’
I put my hand over my mouth. ‘No! That’s awful.’
‘The day I found out, she’d just discovered that the affair had been going on for two years and that her Dad’s new woman was pregnant with twins. Libby saw it as the ultimate rejection of her. She thought she wasn’t important to him now that she was almost an adult and was convinced that she was being replaced by brand new babies who’d get all his love.’
‘Did she get any help?’
‘She wouldn’t do anything. She blamed her mum for driving her dad away so they fell out. She wouldn’t go to a doctor or a teacher. The only person she’d speak to was me but I was way out of my depth. I spent ages online researching how to support her. One day, I told Libby that I couldn’t deal with it on my own and would have to tell someone, but she was adamant she’d stopped. She showed me her arms and there were no fresh wounds so I had to trust her.’
‘Had she stopped?’
‘Yes, but it was only because she’d found a new release: alcohol. We’d finished college by this time and were both working. She spent all her wages on going out and she started sleeping around. She stopped riding but would still turn up at the farm occasionally, usually hammered. I was so worried about her. After pulling too many sickies, she lost her job. She was depressed and self-harming again, and then she started doing drugs and was pretty much on a downward spiral. She stopped coming to the farm and wouldn’t return my calls. Said me worrying about her killed her buzz. We lost touch then, when she was twenty-one, she hit rock bottom. She turned up at the farm, begging me to go with her while…’
He paused again and I had a feeling I knew what was coming next. ‘She was pregnant?’
He nodded. ‘She didn’t know who the father was. She’d been at a party. There’d been drugs, drink and lots of partners. It could have been anyone. After the termination, she knew she had to sort herself out, but she wasn’t strong enough to do it on her own.’
‘So you helped?’
‘Every step of the way. If I wasn’t working, I was with Libby. It took a long time, but I started seeing glimpses of the person I thought of as the real Libby and those moments became more and more regular. She started riding again, she found a job she loved, she made new friends through work like Gina, and she had counselling to deal with her issues.
‘For my twenty-fifth birthday, she booked a riding weekend for us both in the Peak District. She told me she didn’t think she’d still be alive if it hadn’t been for me and how grateful she was that I’d been there for her despite all the crap she’d thrown at me which would have made most men run for the hills. She said I was her rock and she couldn’t imagine coping without me but she was scared that, one day soon, I’d meet someone and I wouldn’t be there for her and she’d be on a downward spiral again.’
Matt paused and sighed. I could hear the strain in every word and tried to push away an image in my head of a log cabin, an open fire and the pair of them snuggled together under a blanket so I could focus completely on him and how hard it clearly was to relive all of this.
‘I told her that I cared about her and we could explore always being together if that was what she really wanted but I thought it was best for her if we took things slowly.’ He ran his hands through his hair and shrugged. ‘I don’t really know how it happened but we went away that weekend as friends and came back engaged.’
‘What do you mean, you don’t know how it happened?’
He shrugged. ‘We talked about the future and marriage was even mentioned way, way down the line but I definitely never proposed. I think Libby joined a few too many dots.’
I winced. ‘Why didn’t you correct her?’
He took another swig on his drink. ‘Do you know how many times I’ve asked myself that over the years? I suppose it’s because I loved her, or thought I still did at the time, and there was this stupid gallant streak in me that wanted to protect her exactly like I’d been doing for the past decade. She’d said I was her rock and she was worried what might happen without me in her life. I didn’t want her to self-harm again, or take drugs, or drink herself into a stupor, or sleep around, so I just accepted it all and hoped for the best.’
‘Oh my God, Matt! Are you saying that you’ve stayed with Libby for, what, seven or eight years to keep her safe and not because you loved her?’
He peeled at the label once more. ‘I sound like a right shit when you put it like that, don’t I?’
I quickly shook my head. ‘No. You sound like a knight in shining armour. You rescued her but got captured yourself.’
He smiled and my heart raced at those dimples. ‘That’s such a great way of describing it.’
‘So where does this leave the two of you now?’
‘There is no the two of us.’
My heart raced even faster. ‘You’ve split up? When?’
‘When Libby was discharged from hospital, she wanted to stay with Gina rather than in the caravan which made sense because she’d be more comfortable there. I took some clothes over on the first day, but she was sleepy so Gina said there was no point me staying. I probably should have been a good fiancé, sitting there and holding her hand while she slept, but I was angry with her. After everything I’d done for her, she’d gone down that path of self-destruction again, presumably because she was mad at me for going out with my friends instead of going to her works do. She’d taken drugs and she’d been with someone else.’
‘You had every right to be angry,’ I said. ‘I would have been in your situation.’
‘Thank you. Anyway, I got a call from Gina the next day. Libby wanted me to visit because she wanted to apologise. I assumed she wanted to say sorry for the drugs and the men, but she actually wanted to apologise for everything she’d put me through since she’d first visited the farm when she was fourteen. Like you just now, she described me as her knight in shining armour. She said she’d needed me and I’d always been there for her, rescuing her from her many mistakes, but it was her turn to rescue me from mine. She said that she might owe me her life, but I didn’t owe her mine so she was going to do the right thing for once and let me go. I protested and said it was just the trauma from what had happened but she took my hand and said, “Look me in the eye and tell me that you love me with all your heart, that you want to marry me, and that you believe we can live happily ever after together”.’
He shook his head. ‘I couldn’t do it, Charlee. I’d kidded myself for years that I could make it work and, believe me, I’ve thrown everything at it, but it was never enough. I expected Libby to start crying or to yell at me, but she just smiled and said, “We gave it our best shot but we both know it was never going to last.” Turns out she’d never truly loved me. She’d needed me and she’d been scared of what might happen to her if she didn’t have me to lean on so she convinced herself our friendship would be enough. It wasn’t.
‘We’ve moved her stuff out of the caravan and she’s living with Gina for a while. She’s told Gina everything and Gina’s conscious that she’s gone a bit crazy herself since her divorce came through so they’re going to have a chilled Christmas together and look forward to a fresh start next year.’
‘I’m so sorry, Matt,’ I said.
He fixed his gaze on me. ‘Are you?’
Only two words but they seemed to be loaded with meaning. I felt my cheeks burning as I looked into his eye
s. I wasn’t sorry that he’d split up with her because it was absolutely the right thing for him, but I was sorry for everything he’d been through.
‘I know that Libby wasn’t my favourite person but I feel like I understand her a bit better now, and I’m sorry for you because, even if you didn’t love her, break-ups are tough. What will happen about the house now?’
‘I’ll still finish it and I’ll move into it but without Libby. I don’t know if you remember it but we’d had a stupid argument over cushions the day I met you.’
‘I do remember.’
‘Libby admitted she couldn’t see herself ever moving into the house and, for her, getting hung up on stupid things like cushions and candlesticks helped her stop thinking about the big picture and the huge mistake we were making. She deliberately kept pushing and pushing me, hoping that I’d snap and call it off because she didn’t think she was strong enough to be the one to walk away. Meanwhile, I was worried that arguing too much might send her back on the self-harm path so I took all the shit she shovelled at me.’
I sipped on my lager, taking it all in. Matt was free and he’d never loved Libby. That didn’t mean he was going to want to jump straight into another relationship with me, though. If he’d been seeing her for eight years and his life had been embroiled with hers for at least a decade before that, he likely needed a heck of a lot of space.
‘You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all this,’ Matt said.
‘Because we’re friends and it’s the sort of thing that friends tell each other?’ I suggested. ‘You were there for me after my break-up with Ricky so it’s my turn to be here for you after yours. Hopefully we can see each other a bit more often now that Libby isn’t around to get jealous about it.’
‘I’d like that,’ Matt said. ‘But I’ve got a bit of a problem.’
‘What’s that?’
‘I’ve spent the last eight years in a relationship that should only ever have been a friendship and I can’t and won’t put myself through that again.’
Oh crap! He’d realised that I saw him as more than a friend and, despite what Jodie, Sarah, Nick and all the others thought they’d seen on the night of the Christmas lights switch-on, he clearly saw me as nothing more and he wanted to set me straight. I stared into the chiminea flames, bracing myself for the blow and hoping my emotions wouldn’t betray me.
‘Libby never minded me spending time with Jodie, you know. It was only ever you she had the problem with. You know why, don’t you?’
I shrugged. ‘Can’t have been my chocolate-making skills because she made it very clear that she wasn’t impressed with those.’
Matt laughed. ‘She had her claws out that day. In fact, she did on most days she saw you. She knew, you see. From that very first day when I came to sort out your flood, she knew.’
I looked up. He was smiling and his eyes were twinkling. I thought nothing could beat the sight of Matt in a tux but the casually dressed version beside me now, bathed in the soft glow from the fire, had just edged ahead. It felt like there was a spark but I’d been wrong before. I’d thought Ricky had looked at me with love but I’d been mistaken.
‘What did she know?’ I whispered, my heart thumping.
‘She knew what it’s taken me nearly a year to admit to myself. I’ve been in a relationship with Libby when I should have just been her friend, and I’ve been in a friendship with you when…’ He stopped and looked towards the fire; his shoulders slumped as he ran his hand through his curls.
‘Sorry, Charlee. I’m not very good at this. I’ve never done this before. With Libby it just sort of happened by mistake and… it’s just that… erm… I thought that if I brought you here, I’d be more relaxed and… erm… it might just sort of happen again, but not by mistake this time and…’ He released a shuddery breath and clapped his hand against his forehead. ‘Shit! I’m making such a mess of this.’
And at that moment I knew exactly what I’d seen in his eyes. The fumbling and the wanting to get it right were adorable and made me love him even more. He’d rescued Libby and me so many times and now it was my turn to rescue him.
I shuffled a little closer along the bench. ‘I sometimes find that actions speak louder than words.’
He looked up and gulped. ‘Do you think so?’
I shuffled closer still, letting my bottle of lager slip from my fingers and drop to the ground. ‘It’s worth a try. What did you want to tell me?’
Matt cupped my face in his hands and gently tilted it towards his. I closed my eyes, fireworks exploding in my stomach as he lowered his lips to mine and I melted into his kiss. That brief kiss at the end of Castle Street at the Christmas lights switch-on had promised something good, but this was spectacular. I’d been waiting a year to do this and, from the sounds of it, so had Matt even though he hadn’t admitted it. And it was certainly worth the wait.
32
‘Do you think I’m doing the right thing?’ I asked Matt as I checked on the shepherd’s pie in the oven. It was Saturday night a week later, two days before Christmas. ‘Or have I read too many of my Nanna’s romance novels?’
Matt pulled me to him and gently kissed me. ‘You’re definitely doing the right thing. If Pierre and Lillian were happy together, you wouldn’t have dreamed of getting involved, but they’re not. He told you himself they’ve reached the end of the line.’
I smiled and kissed him again, grateful for the reassurance. After Stacey’s revelations, I’d needed to get my head round it all so I left it a couple of days before contacting Pierre. The headspace helped me realise that this was huge news to be given face to face. I usually FaceTimed Pierre but I opted for a phone call instead, not sure I’d be able to stop myself blurting out the news if I saw his face.
He told me he had plans to return to the UK to spend Christmas and New Year with Gabby and was hoping to see me while he was here. I asked if Lillian would be joining him.
‘All is not well with Lillian,’ he said.
‘Oh no! She’s poorly again?’
‘Non, ma petite chocolatière, Lillian is very well. It is our marriage that is not well. It has never been well but you cannot say we did not try.’ He sounded so sad, I wished I could crawl down the phoneline and hug him. ‘We both know this for a long time, but neither of us wanted to be the one who ends it.’
‘And now?’
‘We will start the divorce in the New Year.’
‘I’m so sorry, Pierre.’ I genuinely was sorry as they had to both be hurting. But a seed of an idea had sprouted as I confirmed tonight to see him.
The entry buzzer sounded and nervous butterflies flitted round my stomach as I greeted Pierre and told him to come up to the second floor.
‘I can’t believe how nervous I am,’ I said to Matt. ‘It’s only Pierre.’
‘But it isn’t anymore, is it? It’s a special moment.’
I wiped my clammy hands down my apron then hung it up and stepped into the hall. We’d agreed that Matt would stay in the lounge for now as I was going to tell Pierre what I’d discovered as soon as I saw him.
Tears clouded my eyes and a lump welled in my throat as I peered through the peephole, watching for him on the stairwell. I’d have felt emotional seeing Pierre after sixteen months apart anyway, but now that I knew he was my dad, my emotions were all over the place.
I drew in a deep shuddery breath as he emerged round the corner. My dad. I still felt as though I was in a dream. I didn’t want to open the door crying so I forced back the tears, smiled, and flung open the door.
‘Bonsoir, ma petite chocolatière,’ Pierre said enthusiastically. ‘I have missed you so much.’ He passed me a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers.
‘Thank you. I’ve missed you too.’
I placed the gifts on the floor as he stepped into the hall, pushing the door shut behind him. He held his arms wide and we hugged and exchanged kisses on each cheek.
‘Bonsoir, Pierre.’ I stepped back and looked into
his eyes. ‘Or should I say, Bonsoir, Papa?’
Pierre stared at me, wide-eyed and wide-mouthed and clapped his hand across his heart. ‘Je n’arrive pas y croire. You know? How can this be?’
He couldn’t believe it. I still couldn’t either. ‘I met Stacey and she told me.’
‘She did? When was this?’
‘At the start of last week but I didn’t want to tell you over the phone.’
Pierre shook his head. ‘Oh, Charlee, can you forgive me for not saying? I wanted to so many times, but I promised Stacey and I could not let her down.’
‘I know. That’s because you love her.’
His eyes widened even further. ‘You know this too?’
‘I know everything. Have you got another hug for your daughter?’
‘Ma chérie, I have a lifetime of them.’
We held each other tightly. Tears ran down my cheeks and I could feel him shaking so I knew he was finding it just as emotional as me. Wait until he saw what else I had in store for him later! It was such a relief for me to have it out in the open and I’d only known for eleven days. How must it feel for Pierre after keeping the secret close to his heart since I was six? Eleven days was nothing compared to twenty-five years.
When we finally broke apart, I picked up the wine and flowers and opened the lounge door. ‘Come through. I want to introduce you to someone. Matt?’ Matt stepped out of the kitchen. ‘This is my boyfriend Matt, who I was telling you about the other day. Matt, this is my dad Pierre.’ My dad. Two words I never imagined I’d say and yet they felt so comfortable on my tongue.
Matt went to shake hands but Pierre surprised him by grabbing him by both arms and kissing him on each cheek. I probably should have warned him to expect a traditional French greeting.
‘Can I offer you a glass of wine?’ Matt asked, taking the wine and flowers from me. ‘We have a bottle open. I can’t remember what it’s called but Charlee says it’s your favourite.’
Christmas Wishes at the Chocolate Shop Page 23
