Paper Dolls

by Hanna Peach

  I got into bed first. She zipped up her duffel bag, still on the chair. I stifled the urge to tell her to put her things away now. I had, after all, made room for her in my closet. But it was late. She could unpack tomorrow. She slid into bed next to me and I turned off the side lamp.

  For the first time in three years I had someone I loved next to me filling that space that had lain empty for so long. The sheer presence of her body beside mine brought tears to my eyes. I swallowed a sob. “I missed you, Salem,” I whispered. I felt her tense beside me but I kept going. “There wasn’t a day in the last three years that went by without me thinking of you.”

  Her voice slid to me through the dark, “I missed you too.”

  I turned my head towards her and stared at her silhouette in the dark. “You ran away from me. You kept running.” I tried not to let the anger out through my voice but I failed.

  She was silent for a time before speaking, “I stayed away because I wanted to keep the attention away from you, to let you try and live a normal life. If they found you… I couldn’t stand it if you got into trouble.”

  “They?”

  “You know…”

  They. The police. They would have been looking for us since that night.

  “But it’s been long enough now that I thought it was safe to come back. I thought you might need me now.”

  She had stayed away to protect me. Like she had always protected me. How could I ever have thought she didn’t want me with her? “I’m sorry for getting mad earlier.”

  “’Sokay.”

  “I’m glad you’re home.”

  “Me too.”

  “Never leave, okay?”

  In the dark I felt Salem’s hand reach out over the sheets and grab mine.

  I gripped onto it, as tightly as I could, the only thing I could do.

  Don’t watch, she whispered.

  I shoved that memory away. And cleared my throat. “Before I forget, you should give me your mobile number, just in case.”

  “Just in case I run away again?”

  “I mean like if I’m at the store and want to ask you if you want me to pick you anything up.”

  She made a funny noise. “Thanks for the sentiment, Rosey, but I don’t have a mobile.”

  “You don’t have a mobile? Who doesn’t have a mobile?”

  “I don’t. Is that a crime?”

  I cringed at her choice of words. “No.” I chewed my lip in the dark. “Why don’t you have a mobile?”

  “They can track you using your mobile.”

  I worried my lip with my teeth. In our time apart Salem had grown paranoid. Doesn’t she have reason to be paranoid? “So you’ve spent all this time without a mobile.”

  “Spent all this time without a lot of things.”

  “Did you…work or something?”

  “Something.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  I heard her huff loudly and I smelled her minty toothpaste. She shifted in the sheets, pulling her hand from mine. Like my questions were annoying her. My questions shouldn’t be annoying her. She should want to tell me all this stuff. She used to tell me everything. And now…it felt like my asking her to share herself was like prying. I was supposed to be her sister. Her other half.

  Relax, Aria, it’s her first night. Give the girl a break.

  Her voice came out, bitterness seeping from her every syllable. “It’s pretty hard for me to get a job, isn’t it? Considering…everything. It’s not like I’ve bought a fake identity to fall back on.”

  What the hell was that supposed to mean? “But you have to have done something to support yourself over the years…” I trailed off as a realisation grew in my belly.

  I remembered one of the motel rooms where I had tracked her once. I remembered my stomach dropping as I scanned the room, empty of her. The bed unmade, an old dark stain on the threadbare carpet. The air sour with the scent of sweat and cheap aftershave. Even then I think a part of me guessed what she had been doing to get by but…

  “Trust me, you don’t want to know.” Even in the dark of my bedroom, I could hear the sneer underneath her words. Innocent little Aria. Knows nothing of the world and of having to struggle. Screw her. I knew. I knew about struggle.

  “You don’t have to keep things from me. You never kept things from me.”

  “You can’t handle the truth.”

  “I can.”

  “No, you can’t. You never have. That’s why you have me to protect you from them.”

  “But−”

  “Just go to sleep.” She turned her back on me, signalling the end of the conversation.

  * * *

  I woke up feeling a comforting presence next to me.

  Clay.

  I rolled over to face him, a smile on my face and my body already heating up in his presence, before slowly opening my eyes.

  I flinched back. It was Salem’s back that I was staring at. Not Clay’s. Disappointment flooded me. Then a sharp wave of guilt.

  You’d rather Clay was in this bed, not her.

  I was a bad sister. I was a bad person. How could I even think that? How would Salem feel if she knew…?

  I would never tell her. I couldn’t.

  The secrets between us were piling up, it seemed.

  I slipped my legs out of bed and crept to my bedroom door.

  “Hey.”

  I spun. Salem was already awake and staring at the wall. My cheeks flushed. Had she known I had thought that she was Clay?

  Don’t be stupid. You’re close but she can’t read your mind.

  I croaked when I tried to speak. I had to clear my throat before I could get anything out. “Hey. How did you sleep?”

  She shrugged.

  “Do you want breakfast?” I asked, trying to inject as much cheer as I could into my voice. “I have some time before work. I could make us banana pancakes?”

  I caught her eye and a small smile came across her face. I knew she was remembering too…

  “Banana pancakes,” a young Salem shrieked as she jumped all over me, her tiny fingers pressing all over my face. “Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, make those bodies siiiiiing.”

  I groaned at my over-enthusiastic alarm clock. Only this one didn’t have an off button. Salem never seemed to sleep. “Go away, it’s still dark out.”

  I heard her snort and she bounced out of bed, the mattress springing behind her. She grabbed my sheets and I tugged them tighter over my head.

  I knew it wasn’t the end of it. I felt her fingers against the end of the blanket. I gripped on tighter, preparing myself for what came next, tucking my feet up against my butt and pulling my knees into my chest so that I was as small as possible. It never worked, though.

  She scrambled up the bottom of the mattress and found my toes, the only part of my body that was ticklish. I began to scream.

  Near the entrance to my bedroom I smiled at the now grown-up Salem pushing herself up in bed.

  She stretched her arms above her. “I never thought I’d see the day when you actually woke up earlier than me.”

  “Some things change.”

  “Some things never do.”

  I stopped dead when I stepped out into the living room. That damn coffee mug was still there. Before I could stop myself, I snapped. “Jesus Christ, Salem.”

  “What?” Her voice called back to me from the open bedroom.

  “I asked you to clean up your mug. But it’s still there.” I grabbed the cup and stormed into the kitchen, dumping it into the sink, black liquid pouring out from the mug on its side and disappearing down the drain.

  “Relax, Rosey. It’s just a mug. Shit, you’re even more uptight than I remember.”

  “It’s not just a mug. I’m not here to do everything for you.”

  “No,” her cold voice came from behind me. “I wouldn’t expect you to do anything for me.

  You have to do this for me, Rosey. I can’t take it anymore. I’ll go crazy. She had only eve
r asked me to do one thing for her. And I had failed her, hadn’t I?

  I spun to face her as this familiar guilt clawed at me. Salem stared at me as she leaned on the bedroom door frame, her face hardened, but there were flashes of hurt in her stormy eyes.

  There was so much I wanted to say to her. I had rehearsed everything I would say to her over the lonely nights while I’d been searching for her. Now that she was here, none of the words would come. They were too swollen and painful to be able to purge without also ripping myself apart. “I’m sorry.” It was all I could say. I’m sorry. Sorry for failing you. Sorry for what you had to endure. I’m sorry…for everything.

  Her mouth softened but her eyes remained dark clouds. “It’s fine.”

  But we both knew it wasn’t. The past was unchangeable and it remained silent and trapped between us, a tension that had been building ever since she returned. This was a small release, just enough to keep it from exploding. For now.

  You’ll have to face it soon.

  I’m not ready.

  I shoved these thoughts away and took a deep breath. I had to do something to dissipate this lingering awkwardness. “So, do you want pancakes?” I bent down to look inside one of the kitchen cupboards. The large frypan was down here somewhere. I hadn’t bothered with fancy breakfasts before, just a bowl of cereal was enough for me, but now that Salem was back…

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “What?” I shot up and smacked my head on the underside of the cupboard, a smarting pain shooting through my skull. I rose to standing more carefully this time as I rubbed my head. “What do you mean you’re not hungry?”

  “I mean, I’m not hungry.”

  “When are you not hungry? God, you used to eat everything while…” There I was, stuck in the past again. We weren’t kids anymore. We had both changed. “What about when you do get hungry?”

  “I can feed myself, you know.”

  Of course she could. She has been feeding herself for the last three years without my help. Here I was trying to take care of her, for what? In a hope that it would make up for…everything. I winced. She never needed you. You were the one that needed her.

  I closed the cupboard and opened a different one, finding my usual bowl and box of cereal and assembling my usual breakfast, finishing it off with a sliced banana and milk. I sat on the couch and ate my breakfast.

  “What do you wanna do tonight?” Salem asked as she dropped down on the couch beside me.

  “Oh, um, yeah, about tonight…” I rubbed the back of my skull where a tension headache was starting to work its way into my brain, “I forgot I had plans with Clay tonight.”

  “Well, don’t let me stop ya.”

  “I can cancel plans with him if you want me to stay.”

  “It’s fine. We’ll hang out another time when you and loverboy aren’t busy.”

  “It’s not a big deal if I cancel him. He’ll understand.”

  “All good. I think I need a day home alone. Get a break from all your nagging.”

  That stung. I ignored the annoyance that comment arose in me.

  “So, how did you and Mr Wonderful meet, anyway?”

  I flinched and prayed that she didn’t notice. Salem had always been overprotective. She would hate it if she knew the truth. I really didn’t feel like arguing with her. Again. And not about Clay. “I… We… He’s a friend of a friend. A friend of my boss’s actually.” I cringed internally when my voice came out a little too tight at the end of my sentence. I glanced over to her to see if she had noticed. She was nodding slowly but there was a strange look in her eye. For a second I thought she had caught me out.

  Then she grinned, showing a little too much of her teeth. “A friend of your boss’s. A good friend?”

  “Yeah, pretty good.” Please stop asking questions.

  “How long have they known each other?”

  I rubbed my itching neck. Probably karma getting ready with the beginnings of a huge rash for all my lies. “Um, I think they go back to high school. Yeah, I think so.” Liar, liar, liar.

  “So he’s not some weirdo stranger who just spotted you on the street then waltzed into your sex store so he could meet you. Good to know. Wouldn’t want my Rosey-girl getting involved with the wrong guy.”

  It was like she knew. Did she know? She always seemed to know when I tried to lie, even as a kid.

  “No, of course not.” Unable to take any more of her scrutiny, I stood up and walked into the kitchen, placing my empty bowl and spoon into the sink.

  When I turned around she was standing there staring at me from the edge of the kitchen.

  She grabbed my arm as I tried to walk past her. “It’s good to be back,” she said, but her eyes were hard as steel as she stared at me. “Good to be back with my sis. The only one who’d never lie to me. Right?”

  “Right.”

  “The only one I could ever count on. I can count on you, can’t I? Sis?”

  “Of course.” I forced a smile back at her even though my skin was prickling. “I…I need to go to the bathroom.” I pulled my arm out from her too tight, almost painful grasp. When I turned my back on her the hairs on my neck rose.

  As I closed the door to the bathroom, I caught her staring at me from the living room, something close to menace in her eyes.

  5

  “Are you sure you’ll be okay here by yourself?” I asked Salem for like the fiftieth time.

  “Go, be with loverboy. I’ll be fine.” She waved at me from the couch, her eyes focused on the flashing images, some animated movie that was showing on Friday night TV.

  “Are you sure?” I said as I paced the living room, checking the clock, making sure I had everything in my bag − keys, wallet, phone, lip balm, and at Flick’s insistence, condoms − then checking the clock again. “I can cancel. He’ll understand.”

  She snorted. “What, and have to spend a night with you wishing you were with him getting some? No thanks.”

  I flushed. “I am not going to get some, as you so eloquently put it.”

  “Whatever.”

  “I have fresh groceries.” I opened the small fridge and stared inside. “Veges, chicken, some cheese. And I have sauce for a stir fry in the cupboard or there’s wholemeal pasta.”

  “Ew, who eats wholemeal pasta?”

  I spun around, slamming the fridge door shut. “I eat wholemeal pasta.”

  She made a face.

  I walked to the couch and stood there, worrying my lip. “Will you be alright for dinner?”

  “Yup, I know the local number for pizza delivery by heart.”

  “Salem, pizza’s not good for you.”

  “What are you, my mother?”

  I was about to reply but I heard three sharp blasts of a horn from the street. “Okay, that’s him.”

  “He’s not going to come up?”

  “Um, no.” I turned to grab my bag from the kitchen counter, hoping she didn’t see the flush that was most definitely on my face given how hot my cheeks had gone.

  “You haven’t told him I’m here, have you?”

  “No, but I will.”

  “Are you ashamed of me?”

  I gasped and spun, my hand still stuck in my handbag. “I’m not ashamed of you. Clay and I, we’re just… I’m just waiting for the right time.”

  “Uh-huh.” She jumped off the couch and stalked over to the window.

  “Get back from there. He’ll see you.”

  Salem just kept staring outside through the blinds. “Please, even if he does, he’ll think I’m you.” She sniffed. “It’s too dark for me to get a good look at him anyway.” She returned to her couch and the movie.

  I found what I was looking for in my bag. “I almost forgot. Here.” I held out a key. It was a copy of mine and at the end was the other half of my key-chain pair, the other half of my heart. “I had a second key cut for you.”

  She laughed at something on-screen. “Just put it down on the table.” She made a nudging motio
n with her chin.

  I shoved away a sliver of rejection and slipped it on the table before straightening. “Okay, I’m off.”

  Salem made a solemn Queen-wave at me, her eyes still on the TV.

  “How do I look?”

  “Does it really matter what clothes you’re wearing if he’s just going to tear them all off anyway?”

  “Salem!”

  She tore her eyes away from the screen and graced me with a brief once-over. “You look great. Now leave.”

  “Okay, then,” I muttered to myself, “don’t miss me too much.” I turned and walked out of my apartment, my bag slung over my shoulder.

  I paused just outside the door and worried my lip.

  What was I doing?

  I should stay here with Salem. Hang out with Salem. After all, I haven’t seen her in three years.

  I stuck my head back into my apartment. “Are you sure you don’t want me to−”

  “Oh my God, get out!”

  I shut the door before the pillow she threw at me could hit me in the face.

  Outside, Clay was leaning against his Mustang, waiting for me, outlined in the fading afternoon sunlight. Me. This gorgeous man, dressed in dark denim that hugged his strong thighs, and a white shirt, was waiting for me. My worry over Salem faded at the sight of him.

  He grinned as I walked up to him. “You are gorgeous.”

  I looked down at myself. I was wearing skinny jeans teamed with silver ballet flats and a white cotton top threaded with silver, giving it a subtle shimmer. “You’re biased.”

  He pulled me into his arms, leaning down so his nose rubbed against mine. “Maybe. But it doesn’t change the fact that you’re gorgeous.”

  “What if…I were wearing a potato sack?”

  “That’s a very lucky potato sack.” He rubbed the end of his nose along my cheekbone and towards my ear.

  “What if…I were tarred and feathered.”

  “Then you’d be the sexiest chick in the world.”

  “What if…I were wearing a grey cow onesie?”

  He hummed against my ear, sending shivers down my spine. “Then you’d be udderly irresistible?”