Offbeat

by S. Moose

“As long as I’m with you, then that’s where I want to be.”

  Settling our things in the spare room, I check on Ryan and see him sleeping. Resting on the couch, not to disturb him, I take out my phone and think about texting Tyler. I want so badly to hear his voice and see how he’s doing. Moira tells me he’s okay and she’s updating him with Ryan’s condition. But still I want to talk to him. I want him to know I miss him and I’m thinking about him.

  Needing to fill my head with something, I play music and relax for a moment. The days are getting longer and the nights are filled with worry. I wake up every hour to check on him and make sure he’s breathing. I can’t leave him at night and my body is suffering. All I want to do is close my eyes for a minute and get rest.

  Screams fill my ears and I’m jolting up and running to Ryan. He’s on the floor, his hands on his head, screaming for help.

  “Ryan!” I rush to him, pulling him in my arms, rocking him. “Shhhh, it’s okay.”

  “Did you leave?” he cries, “I’ve been calling for you.” The pain in my chest tightens. Fuck. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I fell asleep and I must have been knocked out.” I rub his back and look around for his medicine. Even though it’s not what Ryan wants, he still needs to take it when it gets this bad.

  “It’s hard to see,” he softly says. My heart breaks and the realization that he’s not going to get better sinks in.

  “There’s nothing to see,” I reassure him.

  “I need to see you. I always want to see you.”

  “I’m right here. Always.” We sit on the ground for a while until I have the strength to lift him up back into bed.

  “Do me a favor,” he asks, looking at me with sleepy eyes. The medicine is working and he seems good.

  “What’s that?”

  “Can we have one dance together and pretend for a little bit that I’m strong and I’m okay?”

  “Of course.” Pulling out my phone I play a song and soon I’m in his arms. He’s not as strong as before. But he holds me against his body. We don’t move a lot. He’s humming in my ear and I love this feeling.

  “In my head,” he tells me through labored breaths, “we’re dancing under the moonlight and you’re wearing a beautiful dress.” I lift my head and softly kiss his lips. “I would do anything to be there with you.” Losing myself in his arms and the music, I don’t talk. I let the playlist of my love songs play and song after song our bodies move together.

  Lifting my head to look at him again, I see the love he has for me in his eyes. There’s a mix of sadness and pain. I know this is taking a lot of his strength and I should make him sleep. Saying no to someone who’s dying isn’t easy. I want him to have these memories and be okay. There have been so many times I have prayed to have a miracle and wake up to a healthy Ryan.

  Unfortunately this tumor is winning and it’s about to take my best friend away.

  When the last song ends, I help Ryan back into bed and pull the covers over him. I get on the other side and rest my cheek on his chest, listening to his breathing and his heart beating. These are the best sounds in the world.

  “You mean the world to me,” he says, kissing the top of my head. “My world.”

  Squeezing his hand, I tell him to sleep and close his eyes, because when we dream there’s no pain and we’re happy.

  “I love you,” he whispers and I have to silence my tears.

  The last few weeks I’ve been thinking about my life and how it’s going to be without Ryan. The lake house was getting too cold for Ryan so we’re back at his house. I’m now staying with him full time. My parents are being wonderful and keeping Moira busy.

  Tyler isn’t back yet and I’m not sure if he wants to be here. We don’t talk about him. Moira doesn’t update me anymore and that’s okay. I understand his anger and frustration for me, but not his brother. They’re supposed to be there for one another. Having a brother means having a best friend. I wish Tyler would understand how badly we need him.

  I need someone by my side. It’s hard seeing him getting worse. Slowly I’m watching him die and every night we lie in bed and he holds me, telling me about the ways he loves me.

  I’m not ready to lose him.

  The state I’m in would qualify as hot mess. I’m living in yoga pants and hoodies. My body hurts from the lack of not working out and I’m getting moodier with each day. I don’t want to be sad because he doesn’t need to see me cry. It’s the only thing I can do. He can barely get out of bed and when he does, it’s only for a few minutes.

  He’s so young and won’t get to live his life the way he wants. How can his life end so young? There are people out there who are murderers and get to live, while someone as good and pure as Ryan is dying because of a tumor no one can remove. How is life fair? I’m struggling to understand why someone so young, with so much life, is facing the end. I’m trying to be upbeat and positive. I don’t want his last days with us to be spent crying.

  We spend most of the time in his bedroom or in the kitchen. He loves watching me bake and reminds me to use sugar and not salt.

  These are the memories worth making and the memories I’ll always keep.

  Mandy and Damon come to visit often and we have dinner with them a lot. I’m happy because my best friend is engaged and pregnant. Seeing them together, as happy as I am for them, makes me sad. I think about Tyler and wonder how he’s doing. I’ve kept my distance and Ryan’s tried to reach out to his brother a few times. I know he’ll come back and stay with us soon. He has to.

  “What are you thinking about, sweetheart?”

  Looking up I smile, “Nothing. Just happy to be spending time with you. Are you okay?”

  “I hate this,” he sadly says. “Can we sit outside and watch the sunset?” I nod and help him downstairs to the deck. While he’s adjusting himself on the chair, I send a text to Tyler and ask him to please come home and spend a day with Ryan before he passes away.

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the wedding you want. I hope that marrying me was okay.”

  Bending down, I kiss his lips and smile, “Yes. I love you Ryan and even though we aren’t legally married, it doesn’t matter. I love you and you love me.”

  He rests his forehead against mine, “All that matters is now. Promise me when I die, you’ll live. You won’t sit and mourn over me. You’ll live the life you’re supposed to and have the love you deserve.”

  “I promise,” I wipe away my tears, “I promise.”

  “I’m so lucky,” he says with a smile on his face.

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because I met the love of my life. I thought I’d have to go through this alone, but when I saw you again, I knew I had to have you. I know I won’t make it and I wish I could see those beautiful brown eyes for the rest of my life. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I hope you know that. I was supposed to die months ago, but you saved me. You kept me alive. I know what love is because of you, Chip. All because of you.” He leans over and kisses me again. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I deepen the kiss and feel his warmth.

  “Thank you for breathing life back into me.”

  We sit on the deck, holding hands, and watch the sunset. I look over and see his peaceful face. This is what I want for him. I don’t want him in pain or having regrets. Ryan doesn’t need any of that. He needs to relax and be comfortable. I make sure we laugh every day and each day is spent loving each other. Love doesn’t have to be physical or about the extravagant things. If you can sit there, holding hands, embracing the beauty of life, then you found love.

  Helping him back upstairs so he can get ready for bed, I sit on the bed and look at my phone again. It’s been so long since we’ve talked to Tyler. I pray to God he’s getting our messages and he’ll be here soon. I don’t want him living a life of regret.

  Just as I’m about to check on Ryan, I see the door open and Tyler’s standing there with his eyes on
me.

  “Hi,” he calmly says, “how is he?”

  I get up from the bed and run into his arms. “You’re here,” I quietly say, hugging him tight. Only I’m the only one holding on. Letting him go and giving us space, I look at him. “He’s not doing well. We just got back inside and he’s in the shower now, getting ready for bed.”

  “I’ll check on him.” His voice is void and there’s nothing left. I know this is hard on him and I hope he can put on a smile for the sake of his brother. When both guys come out of the bathroom, I watch Tyler help Ryan get in bed.

  “I’ll see you two in the morning. Goodnight.”

  “You’re staying here too?” I ask.

  “Of course. This is my house,” he coldly answers. “Let me know if there’s anything either of you need.”

  “Thanks Tyler. It means a lot to me that you’re here.” Tyler nods and walks out of the bedroom. He doesn’t look at me and I don’t blame him. I never asked myself how he’s feeling, seeing me in bed with his brother and wearing a ring that symbolizes our love.

  We get comfortable in bed and I rest my head on his chest. “Are you glad you came back?” I ask him.

  “I am. Being here has been what I need and I’m glad to have you next to me. I know this isn’t want you truly wanted.”

  “Stop, Ryan. This is where I want to be.” I can’t help to look at the door while I say this. I feel completely guilty and stupid for feeling this way.

  “I wish I could be here and watch you grow up and achieve all your dreams. I wish I could be here when you get pregnant and have babies,” he quietly says, holding back his tears before he continues. “Just because I won’t be here doesn’t mean you can’t be happy and I hope you and Tyler find your happy place. I need to know you’re going to be okay. I don’t like what I saw between the two of you. Maybe you should go out there and talk to him.”

  I think about what he’s saying. My eyes are still on the door and I want so badly for him to understand. I want so badly to feel his arms around me, but I made a promise to Ryan and I’m going to keep it.

  “Ryan stop. Please, let’s go to bed.”

  Honestly, thinking about Tyler is breaking my heart. As much as I want to be with him and hear his voice, I’m where I should be. Ryan’s perfect in his own way. Knowing he’s going to pass away soon, and I can’t have him here, is breaking my heart. They say you don’t know what love is until it’s going to leave and I didn’t realize how much I loved him until now.

  But I love Tyler too.

  I love Tyler more.

  “I just want you to know my heart is beating for you. It’s not as strong, but it’s beating and every beat is for you. Even though I never felt you, or experienced probably one of the greatest feelings, I don’t need to because having you here is enough. You are enough.”

  “I love you, Ryan. Goodnight. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “I love you, Bayleigh. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  I’m sitting by the pool with a beer in my hand, waiting for Ryan to come down so we can talk. I hear the door open and see him slowly walking. Getting up, I hurry to his side and help him down.

  “So, you made it without waking her up.”

  He nods and takes a few deep breaths. “She sleeps like a rock sometimes,” he laughs and leans back in the chair. “Man I’m going to miss sitting out here, under the stars, breathing in the air.” I watch him take a few breaths and slowly close his eyes. “You’re lucky, you know that right?”

  “How so?”

  “You have this amazing girl who’ll love you no matter what. I know she loves you more, but I had to be selfish. Just one time.” I hang my head and listen to him talk. “For so long, I watched you and Bayleigh live your lives and I envied you, man. You had everything and I worked my ass off when things came easily for you.” He coughs a little and I rush inside to get him a glass of water. Coming back out, I help him sit up and slowly tip the water into his mouth. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” I respond.

  “Take care of her, man. I know you’re pissed as hell and I know this isn’t what you wanted. But please, she’s going to need you. She needs you now more than ever.”

  I close my eyes and curse myself.

  Fuck.

  One day earlier

  “Tyler?” She touches my arm and comforts me. My mind is too clouded to think clearly. She looks at my phone and gasps.

  “What the fuck,” I scream and throw my suitcase off the bed. “I’ve been gone for a few weeks and this shit is happening!” Ready to punch the wall, Serena grabs me and tells me to calm down. How can I, when the love of my life and fucking brother are locking lips and who knows what else is happening? “Get me out of here,” I seethe, not ready to deal with my brother dying and my girl with him.

  When I open my eyes, I’m in bed with a pounding headache. I feel someone touching me and turn over to see Serena. She’s pulling herself away from me and turning on her side. Lifting the blanket, I see I have pajama bottoms on. I’m scared to know what happened last night. I shake my head and try to remember.

  Tequila. Shots. Body shots. Cheering. Salt and lime.

  “Shit,” I mutter and get up from bed. My bare feet hit the floor as I make my way to the kitchen. Leaning against the counter, I turn around and turn on the faucet to splash water on my face. When I turn around, Serena’s standing before me wearing one of my tee shirts.

  “Morning,” she says and makes her way to the coffee maker. I look at her, still trying to figure out what the hell happened. “You threw up on me,” she simply states, “and I was here to take care of your drunk ass.”

  “What happened last night?”

  “Anna.”

  “What?”

  “Yep,” she pops the p. “Anna made her way to the bar and demanded shots of tequila for everyone, especially you killer.”

  “Did I?” I close my eyes, “Did I do anything stupid?”

  “Besides put your tongue on her disgusting body? No, I watched you. I get it, Tyler. It sucks being away from home and her. But I know you and I know you love Bayleigh. Go home and figure it out.”

  “There’s nothing to figure out. She kissed him and whatever.”

  Serena takes a sip of her coffee and looks at me, “I know it sucks. But you’re not innocent either. I know you’re lonely and I see how you and Anna flirt and work until late together. Or how you two go out to dinner and then last night at the bar.”

  “It’s not like that. Anna knows we’re friends.”

  “Doubt that,” she mumbles and makes her way to the couch to sit down. “Be careful, Tyler.”

  “I know what I’m doing,” I answer her after pouring coffee in a cup for myself. Taking a few sips, I join her on the couch and extend my legs out, feeling my body stretch. “I’m not stupid.”

  “Oh, you are.”

  Later on, I head to the office to get some of my things before my flight. I’m not excited to go home. There’s too much going on and I’m not sure how to handle it. I haven’t texted either of them and I don’t want to.

  Shutting down the computer, I grab my things when I see Anna coming into my office.

  “Anna?”

  She doesn’t say anything. Her eyes lock onto mine and she walks over to me with a slight sway to her hips. Looking down, I see the black heels she’s wearing and the short jacket. Fuck, please don’t be naked.

  “Anna, what are you doing?”

  A sly smile appears on her face, “Let me make things better for you.” She comes towards me and I let down my guard. Closing my eyes, I let her kiss me and pull her down to my lap, letting her feel my erection.

  When the elevator doors open I step out. Opening my hotel door with the room key I walk in and look around the room. Throwing my suit jacket on the couch, I make my way to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of whiskey. Closing my eyes, what happened in my office plays back in my head. I let my guard down. There’s no way Bayleigh’s eve
r going to forgive me.

  Rubbing my face, I slam my head back against the wall. I welcome the pain. It’s nothing compared to what I’m feeling now.

  Why did I let Anna have her way? I should have said no and walked away. But fuck, I wanted to feel wanted.

  Fuck!

  Her hands touch my thighs, making her way up to what she wants. “Let me take away your pain.” I close my eyes, relishing her touch, feeling the groan in my throat. “I know what you need, Tyler,” she breathes, her lips gently touching mine.

  I don’t tell her to stop. Gripping her hips in my hands, I push her against the window and take her lips. Our tongues move with one another.

  Damn.

  Taking off her coat, I kiss her neck and suck on each nipple. She moans and when I slide my fingers inside her, pumping in and out, I feel her come and need more. Picking her up, I lay her down and place my tongue on her clit.

  “Tyler,” she moans as I lick her and suck hard.

  After feeling her release another orgasm, she stands up and unbuckles my pants, pulling them down and using her mouth to pleasure me. Her tongue does magical fucking things and it feels incredible.

  “God,” I moan, feeling her tongue circle my cock, “keep going.” Not wanting to come in her mouth, I pull her up, “Do you have a condom?” She smiles and takes one out, sliding it over my hard cock. Bending her over, face down and ass up, I slide inside her and fuck her hard. She screams, telling me to go deeper, until we both find our release.

  Finishing my drink, I pour myself a second glass and finish it with one gulp. Hanging my head low, I grip the counter and curse myself for giving in. I close my eyes and picture my beautiful girl with her large brown eyes that see my soul. Small freckles dance on her face under the sunlight, with her small nose and kissable lips. She’s innocent and shy, with a twist of naughty when it’s her and I. With each kiss we shared, I died a little. Her talented tongue in my mouth made my dick twitch and with one touch, she made me ache for her.