Offbeat

by S. Moose

  Grabbing the damn thing, I press it on my dress and remember this dress isn’t made of material you can iron. Throwing it across the room, I grab the dress and look at the holes.

  “Fuck!” I scream and throw the dress. “Why can’t I fucking get this right?”

  Going into my closet, I look for another black dress. Ripping my clothes out, I’m soon on the ground, lying on my side, clinging onto my clothes.

  “Bayleigh?” My mom rushes in and takes me in her arms. “Oh baby,” she cries, rubbing my back.

  “It hurts so much, Mom. I can’t believe he’s gone. Why?”

  “Shhh, I know baby. I know you miss him. But what you did for him was the best thing ever. You spent every day with him and made him comfortable. Baby, he’s at peace because of you.”

  This makes me cry harder. I’m holding onto my mom for dear life, refusing to accept Ryan’s gone.

  She helps me up and sits me on my bed, while grabbing a dress for me. I feel like a useless child, waiting for her mommy to dress her. Once the dress is on and she brushes my hair, I see Tyler at my door. Our eyes meet and the next thing, I know I’m in his arms.

  Breathing him in, feeling his arms around me, is what I need right now. It’s what I’ll always need.

  My mom pats my back and kisses Tyler’s cheek, leaving us alone in my room. We stand like this for a while and neither of us move. We cry and comfort each other.

  “I need you more than ever,” he tells me, “please no more pushing me away. I love you, Bayleigh. You’re the only person I have right now who I need.”

  “I’m not leaving you. Not now. Not ever. It’s us again.” I hear a breath of relief and we finally find the courage to head to the funeral home.

  The day is here and it’s killing me. We’re standing by Ryan’s casket, and thanking everyone for coming. The wake yesterday was beautiful. Tyler and I worked together and put the pictures in a slide show. Everyone was at the wake and they said their condolences.

  I have no idea how I’m standing. I watch everyone coming in and sitting down. I recognize Serena and a few other people. I keep my eyes on her and hate her for coming. They sit in the back and Tyler is by my side with his mom. There’s another blonde next to her and her eyes meet mine. Who the hell is she and why is she staring at me?

  I keep my eyes on her until Moira tells me to have a seat. I look away and my eyes find his casket. I feel the tears again and wipe my eyes. I can’t believe we’re going to say our final goodbyes. It’s hard to accept he’s truly gone. Reality hits me with full force and I have to go on with my life, even though the man I love is gone and I’m not sure how I’m going to function without him next to me. He’s been the light I needed and now I’m not sure if I should turn to Tyler or find my own way.

  What do I do?

  “See You Again” by Wiz Khalifia and Charlie Puth plays in the background as people take their seats in the church. I look around and see the shedding tears. Tyler puts his arm around me and I cry in his arms. I can’t believe this is happening.

  “I miss him,” I tell Tyler. “I can’t believe he’s gone.”

  “I know,” he cries, “it sucks. I wish we didn’t fight for so long. How can I be okay with this? My fucking brother is gone.” Tyler quickly gets up and goes to his brother’s casket and rests his head on top. Moira doesn’t know what to do and sobs while the church goes quiet.

  “I’m so sorry Ryan. Shit, I’m so sorry. No matter where you are, you’ll always be here with us. You’ll always be my brother. Always, man.”

  I get up and pull him off the casket. He turns and wraps his arms around me. “You can’t leave me. Please don’t leave. I don’t know what I’ll do if you leave too.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. I told you I’m not going anywhere.”

  “You say that now. But I know you’ll leave again.”

  I have no idea what Tyler’s talking about and it’s bothering me to no end.

  The song ends and the priest stand before us, saying wonderful words about Ryan and his accomplishments. The church cries and no one has the strength to do anything else.

  I’m not sure what else happens. I don’t feel like I’m sitting next to Tyler and Moira. When his casket is carried out to the hearse, we gather in the limo as it takes us to the cemetery. No one says anything and I don’t know what we can say.

  I don’t remember getting out of the limo or putting a rose on his coffin. I don’t remember the priest reciting the final prayer. I don’t remember the casket being lowered or falling down to my knees, screaming for Ryan. I don’t remember Tyler helping me up and carrying me to the limo.

  It’s all a blur.

  The last memory I have of Ryan is the night he died.

  As soon as we’re back at the Scotts’ house, Moira goes to her room and I’m in Ryan’s room. Lying on the bed, I feel a letter underneath my pillow. Slowly ripping the envelope, I retrieve the letter. Unfolding the paper, I feel tears in my eyes and feel the tears streaming down my face.

  To my Chip

  It feels like forever since I’ve held you in my arms. I know you’re broken and confused, but don’t let that hold you back. I love you and I will always love you. Don’t stop living because I’m not here. Take this time to let your heart open to Tyler.

  I hate that I caused your heart to break. I hate making you feel so empty. But always remember, I stayed alive because of you. I found a love so true and you gave me peace. I didn’t die in vain. I died knowing real love.

  Live your life and set your heart free. Open yourself and forgive him. Be the girl I know you can be.

  I’ll always remember you,

  Ryan

  I read the letter over and over again. It’s not easy to read his words. But I know what he’s telling me and I have to try and live. Walking downstairs. I hear voices from outside. When I peek through the window, I see Tyler talking to the blonde who eyed me in the church. Quietly, I open the door and listen to what they’re saying.

  “We had sex! One time. It meant nothing to me, Anna. Why the fuck are you here?” I hear him scream and his words hit me. I finally understand why Ryan told me to forgive him and why Tyler’s so scared.

  “I love you Tyler and I don’t care what you say. I know you love me. Didn’t you feel anything when you were inside me?”

  “No! I felt nothing because you mean nothing to me. I just lost my fucking brother.”

  “And I’m sorry,” I hear her say, “I’m sorry, Tyler. But I’m here to comfort you, baby. Please let me.”

  “No!” he screams. I see his pacing the deck and my heart sinks further in my chest. He slept with someone else. The realization I’ve pushed him too far hits me. If I didn’t push him and if I let him back in we wouldn’t be in this position. He would have been able to spend more time with Ryan before he died.

  This is all my fault.

  I can’t stand to hear any more so I grab my things and sneak out the back door and to my house. Crashing on my bed, I tune everything out. I can’t bear to hear anything else.

  I hear my door open and look up to see a red eyed Tyler. I don’t know what to say to him and I’m not sure I want him in my room.

  “You left.”

  “Yeah,” I answer, “I did. I need time alone.”

  “You told me you wouldn’t leave me,” he sobs and kneels beside the bed, “you promised.”

  “I heard your conversation outside with whoever that girl was,” I tell him, holding back my sobs. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “You don’t know how sorry I am.”

  “Wait,” he pauses, “why are you sorry?”

  “Because,” I sit up and lean back against the head board, gripping the pillow against my chest. “Because I pushed you away. Everything is my fault. You slept with her because I didn’t want you. You’re right. You deserve to be wanted and loved. If I didn’t push you away we’d be together and you would have spent more time with Ryan.”

  “Don’t do this, Bay. Nothing is your
fault. Please.”

  I can’t hold in the tears. Finally letting out my sobs I feel his arms around me, and instead of accepting his comfort I push him away.

  “This is my punishment. I put you through hell and told you to leave me alone. I told you to give me time and look what happened. I fell in love with Ryan, while loving you, and caused a mess.” I cry, “Everything is different and now I need to do the best thing for you.”

  “You promised though,” he sadly says, reaching for my hand and I pull away again.

  “Goodbye, Tyler,” I say one more time.

  The pain clouds his eyes and I don’t know what to do. I feel the tears streaming down my face and neither of us are moving. I hate that this is happening, but it’s the only way. As much as I love him and as much as I want to fight, I don’t think we can do this anymore.

  Sometimes love doesn’t conquer all.

  Tyler and Bayleigh’s story continues in Even Rhythm.

  Coming December 2015

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  XOXOXOXO

  Acknowledgements

  To my amazing readers who are the sweetest and makes being an author fun and challenging. You’re all wonderful and I’m so thankful for you. Thank you for sticking by my side and encouraging me to keep going. I love our interaction online and meeting some of you at signings. Big hugs and squeezes to you!

  To my author friends thank you for your support and making our Indie community fun and supportive.

  To my COPA ladies who are beautiful inside and out. You’re wonderful and are beyond talented. I love our little group and I’m glad to have you in my life.

  To Stephanie, Stefanie, Tonya, Kaylee, and Karrie thank you for taking time to read and give me your honest feedback. It means the world to me and I’m thankful for your notes and suggestions. You ladies make it great to work with.

  To Kellie thank you for being my editor and putting up with my craziness! Thanks for being my Happy.

  To Jessica, my bae, thank you for being my final pair of eyes and your help.

  To Lexi thank you for being my PA and loving me even though I drive you batty! I’m very lucky to have you! Remember you aren’t allowed to go anywhere!

  Sandi and Kaylee I love you ladies hard! Thank you for everything and for being the bestest friends.

  Allan and Jeff, thank you for being so wonderful. Working with you both has been fun and I’m lucky to have you.

  Cassy, I appreciate your hard work and am thankful that you’re able to squeeze me in!

  To my PR company, Eye Candy Bookstore, thank you for always staying on top of things and your hard work. It means so much to me! You ladies work hard to help me and my books so thank you thank you thank you!

  To Give Me Books, thank you for hosting my release day blitz and all the hard work you put in.

  To the bloggers, big thank you for sharing my work and reading! I say this all the time, but without your dedication to authors and your hard work it’ll be hard to be successful. You’re spreading news about books and giving authors, like myself, a chance to shine. I will never be able to express my love!

  To my babes, you ladies rock! Thanks for making me laugh and smile. I appreciate everything you ladies do.

  To Gunnar DeWitt for being on another cover of mine. I love working with you.

  To my family and friends. Your support means the world to me and I can’t thank you enough.

  Finally to my husband. Kevin you’re my forever love. Thank you for holding my hand and climbing each obstacle that comes our way.

  About the Author

  S. Moose is a New York Times and USA Today Bestselling author, living in Webster, NY with her family, friends, and shorkie, Charlie.

  A 2011 St. John Fisher graduate, S.Moose loves to read and write. She enjoys getting lost in the fictional world and creating a place where readers can fall in love and swoon over the cute boys she brings to life.

  When she isn’t in her room in front of her computer or a book, she is with her family and friends being silly and enjoying life. She’s romantic at heart and loves anything with a happily ever after.

  S. Moose loves connecting with her readers! Be sure to visit her at:

  Web: smoosewrites.blogspot.com

  Email: smoose0609@yahoo.com

  Facebook: www.facebook.com/S.Mooseauthor

  Twitter: @S_Moose060912 (http://www.twitter.com/S_Moose060912) (http://www.twitter.com/S_Moose060912)

  Instagram: instagram.com/s_moose0609