Wizard's Guide to Wellington

by A. J. Ponder

  He jumped up. “Come on, we’ve got to go. We’ve got to do something and the library is as good a place to start as any.”

  “But how? They’ll be watching the Fairy.”

  Alec shrugged. “The bus.”

  “What? A NoMU bus? Oh no, there’s gotta be a faster way.”

  “There is another way,” Ike said. “It is ancient but very fast.”

  Perrin rolled her eyes. “It can’t be older than that battered pink thing I flew over here on.”

  “The Mapstone Crossing is a lot older actually. Still, needs must. After all there is only a tiny risk of catastrophic failure.”

  “What’s catastrophic failure?” Alec asked.

  Perrin sighed. “I think he means dying.”

  Alec tried not to think too hard about that. “Right, then, if it’s only a tiny risk, we should go.”

  “Er, hold on,” Perrin said. “Ike, what are the exact chances we’ll make this ‘crossing’ of yours?”

  “On a good day – about ninety-nine and a half percent.”

  “And on a bad day?” she pressed.

  “Nothing gets across.”

  Alec gulped. “I vote we take the bus after all.”

  “There’s no time,” Ike snapped. “Besides a bad day only happens once every thirteen years or so. There’s really no need to worry about it.”

  “Great,” Perrin sighed. “So you’re saying today’s not a bad day?”

  “Better not be,” Ike muttered.

  Alec wasn’t exactly comforted, but forced a smile. “Good. You ready, Perrin?” he said and headed for the door.

  “Don’t be silly,” Perrin said, rolling her eyes. “I’m not going to go out and kill myself on...”

  “Bye,” Ike said smugly.

  Alec hesitated, but only for an instant. “Just look after Dad’s house while I’m gone, will you?”

  “Stop. Ok fine, I’m going. But let’s be a little careful getting out of ‘ere – I thought I heard something earlier.” She put her finger to her lips and quietly opened the window.

  Someone was arguing with Mrs Bee outside her door. Whoever it was they seemed too engrossed to hear Perrin pushing the window wider, or see her through the huge rhododendron as she clambered down into the garden.

  Mrs Bee’s voice was particularly strident as Alec jumped down onto the soft grass. “Don’t tell me what to do young man. You’re not in charge. And I don’t like your attitude...”

  “That’s the old biddy who attacked me.” Perrin whispered.

  “Mrs Bee?” Alec whispered back stupidly before he remembered what had happened. “Didn’t you attack her?”

  “No, crazy old bat tried to pull me off my broomstick.”

  “She’s not – ” Alec retorted. But stopped and shivered as he recognised the man with the cloak and the big nose. Ike must have sensed something too, because he’d become very invisible.

  The man’s voice rose also. “Yes, that’s all very well, but did you get it? I need that book.”

  “I saw no book, I told you. Now I did my bit – you need to do yours.”

  Perrin tugged Alec away. He was still in shock, not believing what his sweet old neighbour, Mrs Bee, was saying.

  Once they reached the road Alec turned back, but he couldn’t see either Mrs Bee or the strange man.

  “This way.” Ike pointed right. “And keep your eyes peeled for a large map rock.”

  “A what?” Alec said, looking around the sea wrack and pebbly sand.

  “A map rock. It looks kind of holey, but that’s just the image processing inter – ”

  “Never mind the technical stuff,” Perrin whispered to Ike. “Even I won’t understand it.”

  “Fine, just don’t forget you’re a couple of kids at the beach.”

  “Maybe Alec’s a kid, but I’m not,” Perrin shot back, ignoring Alec’s scowl. She shaded her eyes and peered around, dragging her feet through the pebbly sand. “No holey stones yet, but Wellington city looks odd.” She pointed over to where the city was shrouded in a silvery mist.

  “What is it?” Alec asked.

  Ike whistled. “Magic, and a lot of it. We’d better hurry.”

  Alec shook his head, and that’s when a strange rock caught his eye. “Is that what you meant, Ike?”

  “Yes, just press that dimple, both of you.”

  Suddenly Alec’s and Perrin’s hands were pressing against a much larger stone, its rough crevices and dimples forming a huge street-map of Wellington with what looked like a pirate flag fluttering overhead.

  “Cool,” Alec breathed.

  Perrin ignored him. “That flag, isn’t it a warning sign? Ike, you sure we should be doing this?”

  “Never mind that.” Ike barely glanced at the three-dimensional skull and crossbones motif. “Really, nobody panicked about such a tiny chance of dying in the old days.”

  “Wasn’t that because they were all dying of the Black Death or something?” Perrin said.

  “Young whippersnappers. No idea. No respect. All of you. In the old days – ”

  Alec looked about. “Aren’t we in a hurry?”

  “Yes,” Ike said, glowering at both of them before turning back to the map. “Pustulating pages, that does not look right.” He frowned. “No, no, it is perfect, that will be the new bypass and-”

  “Er, you sure you know where we’re going?” Perrin asked. She looked about as nervous as Alec felt. “You know, maybe I’d be better off flying.”

  Ike snorted. “Ha! All the way around the harbour? That would take all day. Come on. Ready, steady...and across we go.”

  The stones on the beach had lengthened into a series of stepping-stones stretching across to Seatoun.

  Alec whistled softly. “Impressive.”

  “Just wait,” Ike said as the entrance of the harbour seemed to contract, seawater cascading like high-powered jets through the gaps between the stepping-stones. “We are taking a shortcut.”

  Perrin pushed Alec. “You first.”

  Alec jumped to the first stone and caught his breath. He felt like he was being torn in three directions at once.

  Then he lurched sickeningly.

  THE TERROR AND THE TANIWHA

  One foot flailed in the air before landing on stone. For a moment he stood straddling the tumbling sea, shaking, before he could force himself to continue.

  His feet found the next stone, and the next, and a second later he fell out of a small chip of rock into a brightly coloured drawer and then tumbled to the floor.

  “I’m never doing that again. Not ever,” he complained as Perrin clambered out of the pebble behind him.

  She clutched her arms around herself as if she didn’t want to let go. “That was a bit scary,” she said. “I thought you were-”

  “Never mind that maudlin stuff,” Ike said. “We have to get on with it.”

  “Never mind us almost dying,” Perrin snapped back.

  “What first?” Alec said, pretending to be braver than his stomach felt. He didn’t need them arguing again.

  “I don’t know,” Ike said. “Why are you always asking me?”

  “Um.” Alec looked around and noticed strange skeletons were mounted on the nearest wall. “Ugh! I don’t think this is a library at all. Look.” He pointed at the wall, shuddering.

  Perrin nodded. “Yes, those colours are horribly bright.”

  Alec gulped. “Is that a giant bug on that wall?” Whatever it was had pincers longer than his arm and a tail that could skewer a man. “It’s so gross, and what the heck’s that – oh,” Alec said, at last recognising it as a human skeleton. Mostly. Except for the tail. “This must be the museum.”

  “No taniwhas here,” Perrin said. “Just this manky old sword, and some more old rubbish.”

  “Looks pretty cool to me,” Alec said, staring at the dragon-hide sword and the notice next to it.

  Stop the illegal poaching of defenceless dragons. Please note this dragon-hide sword is at least a thousand
years old and is protected by the latest security. Do not touch.

  “Never mind that old thing,” Perrin said. “Quick, the lift’s here.” In her hurry she almost dragged Alec into a cabinet with a series of faded pink-brown and gold bottles.

  “Watch out!” Alec said as he stumbled into it almost breaking a pretty blue bottle labelled, “Amber’s Ambrosia, made from Manuka flowers throughout the ages. Prized for its healing qualities since 1600. Do not ingest except in emergencies.”

  “Come on,” Perrin said as the lift doors slid open.

  It was the strangest lift he’d ever seen. Buttons crowded every possible surface, and several impossible ones

  “Wow! It’s beautiful!” he said. “Amazing. As he marvelled at all the colours and how the buttons jostled about, sometimes sticking to walls, and sometimes seeming to float off on their own.

  Perrin rolled her eyes. “Library please,” she said.

  The lift sighed. “Too busy to talk, remember?”

  “Oh, stupid me.” Perrin pressed a button, and a moment later straps fell from the ceiling. Alec held on tight, laughing like a maniac as the lift twisted and turned like a rollercoaster.

  “This the library now?” Perrin asked when the door slid open.

  “You know if you are going to insist on talking you should say something nice – like ‘thank you, job well done.’ No wonder I don’t bother talking to people any more.”

  “Thanks,” Alec said, fighting back a sudden rush of nausea. “You saved us a long trip across town. And it was fun.”

  “Don’t mention it. Any time,” the lift replied and disappeared.

  Perrin rolled her eyes. “Aren’t we in a hurry?” she reminded him.

  “It doesn’t hurt to be polite,” Alec said.

  The book coughed.

  “Oh shut up,” Perrin and Alec snapped.

  The book coughed again, meaningfully. “I think you’ll find the magical beasts reference section over there.”

  “The one with the big red ‘prohibited’ sign underneath?” Perrin said, “You’ve got to be kidding – the librarian will kill us.”

  “We could pretend to look at these shelves just behind.” Alec sauntered over to them and casually picked up a mouldering tome – after all, Perrin had to be exaggerating.

  She shot him a terrified look, glanced about nervously and scuttled over beside him.

  “Isn’t this exciting?” Alec lied, flourishing a dirty-grey tome. “Genealogy of pre-eminent wizards in the ancient world.”

  “Yeah. At least the dust likes it.”

  “Don’t be so pessimistic, Perrin. Ike has a plan.”

  “What, me?” Ike protested. “No, my only plan is for you to organise the taniwha stuff while I catch up on some reading. Those books on explorers look exciting. How about you set me down on that shelf over there?”

  “You mean we can sit you on a shelf and you can read the other books?” Alec asked.

  “Yes. Come on, hurry up. It has been a long time since I saw anything so interesting. See there, Kupe’s Voyages, that will be perfect. Kupe is an absolute hero of mine.”

  Alec smiled. “How about we get you something a little more exciting?”

  Perrin looked at Alec. “You mean-?”

  “No, no,” Ike protested. “I don’t want to get into trouble with the librarians. I’d rather just have a quiet – “

  “Scared of a little librarian, are we?” Alec teased.

  “You do not know what they would do to me if they caught me. It is...unspeakable.”

  Perrin smiled nastily. “It’s the best plan we’ve had all day.”

  “Come on, Ike,” Alec said. “We can always rescue you. I’ll say you were dropped or something.”

  Perrin sighed. “Really, Alec. Don’t you know anything? A librarian would give their eye-teeth for a book like Ike. They’d have him numbered and tagged before you could say ‘wild animal’. He’s so expensive and valuable they might even chain him up.”

  “Hmmph.” Ike rustled importantly. “And that is supposed to make me feel better?”

  “Shh. Keep it down,” Perrin hissed. She pointed at a librarian glancing over her steel-rimmed glasses at them.

  “All right, all right,” Ike said. “Settle down. We do not need a commotion. Look, down there is Section 098 – prohibited works, forgeries and hoaxes, and Section 090. No, no, on second thoughts that is not what I want at all. Over here are the manuscripts and rare books – 571, rare magical beasts. There, that one.”

  Ike’s cover dipped in the direction of a red, black and gold book. A golden, dragonish illustration twined about the spine and tangled itself around golden script – The Terror and the Taniwha. Like most of the books on the shelf it was locked.

  “What sort of writing is that?” Perrin asked. “Where are all the e’s?”

  “It’s modern,” Ike huffed. “Anyway, if we are going ahead, you could at least hurry up about it.”

  Alec slipped Ike onto the shelf and turned around as if inspecting the shelf behind, hunkering down low where the librarian couldn’t possibly see them.

  “And lo,” Ike said, “the taniwha did prey upon the ocean, destroying all ships that rode upon the water. No, no, I’ll skip that bit. Listen, ye mortals, and take heed. Beasts such as the taniwha are like and unlike the dragons that plague the seven seas. No mortal hand, nor steel of mortals wrought may harm such a creature – not so much as dent the slim thread that connects its soul, the thread of life that must be broken for the soul to fly free. And even should all this be done and the thread of life split, and betimes it has been, even then the creature is not truly dead, for ‘tis not unheard of for spirit and flesh to join once more, like fire sparking to life in a pit where spark or flame seemed dead.”

  “Let’s un-spark this fire then,” Alec said, confident that even if he didn’t know what was involved, Perrin and Ike did.

  Perrin glared at Alec. “We’re more likely to cook ourselves,” she muttered. “Ike, tell him – ”

  “Ahem!” a shrill voice exclaimed.

  Alec jumped up in surprise and Perrin gasped and hid behind him as a sweet little bespectacled lady stared at them from behind large steel-rimmed glasses. She smiled toothily, although many of those teeth were quite black. “Dears, you’re making an awful lot of noise.”

  She tapped her slightly warty nose. “I hope you weren’t planning to take that Guide anywhere?”

  Ike yelped and disappeared.

  “What a shame,” she tsked. Expertly she snatched up nothing – Ike, who squealed as she snapped a giant black clip over his invisible cover.

  “That’s my Guide,” Alec protested.

  “Well, actually, technically, Ike is mine,” Perrin said, accompanied by furious mumbling from Ike – something about the height of rudeness and him not being owned by anyone.

  “Boy, don’t you know the law?” The librarian poked an arthritic finger at Alec’s chest, apparently oblivious of Perrin’s hand hovering over the restricted books. “All books inside a library are library property – clause one, library addendum, eighteen eighty-six. Now get out before I throw you out.”

  Alec drew himself up to show the little old lady he didn’t scare so easily. “You can’t take Ike,” he said. “I’m not going to let you.”

  The librarian started to walk away.

  Alec grabbed at Ike but missed, as the librarian easily whisked the book out of his reach. She turned around, tsking loudly, her lips curled into a smug smile. Her amused disapproval became a roar of anger as Alec kicked her in the shins. “Argh-owwww!

  Perrin seized the moment and ran.

  “Bortis,” the librarian shrieked.

  A grizzled giant of a man appeared from nowhere. “Bortis the Tiny,” he gravely corrected her.

  “Whatever,” she said crossly. “Just get these brats out. And punish them for disturbing my library. Cut their tongues out, and have this one’s leg cut off. He kicked me, the little horror.”

&
nbsp; “Er, Miss,” Bortis said from under craggy brows, “we can’t do that any more, you know – there’s a fine.”

  “I’ll pay the sparking fine, you stupid giant, and as for you – Ike, is it?” she cooed, stroking poor Ike who wriggled uncomfortably in her grasp. “I knew you were hiding somewhere. I could feel you were here. Now a special book like you needs to be kept safe, and I know just the collector. Bignose is offering good money for annoying little books like you.”

  Alec tried to scarper in the direction Perrin had fled but he didn’t get far before he was stopped in his tracks by a heavy hand on his shoulder. Crushed and utterly helpless, he squirmed ineffectually as Bortis the Tiny’s hot, smelly breath rasped in his ear.

  GONE

  Bortis huffed in a breathy whisper, “When I turn around, kick me and get out that door.”

  “Huh?”

  Bortis winked at Alec and yelled, “You deserve to have your tongue cut out. And your foot. You hooligan.”

  Alec shoved hard. Bortis didn’t seem to notice.

  He swallowed his fear and kicked. Bortis still didn’t seem to notice so he kicked again. “Ow, ow, ow,” the giant yelled, dropping Alec and clutching his leg dramatically.

  Alec turned away and rushed through the door, almost colliding with Perrin who in a fit of bravery was coming back to rescue him – either that or she was panicking. Alec didn’t pause to find out, just raced the short distance to the lift, pressed the button and begged, “Come on, please hurry. Pretty please with ice cream on top – or whatever it is lifts really like.”

  Behind them the librarian had gathered quite a crowd. Some seemed to be trying to help, while others held her back. She shrugged them all off, and burst through the open doorway waving her wand. He and Perrin ducked as something sizzled over their heads. There was a smell of scorched toffee. She raised her wand again –

  The lift doors slid open in a rush of bells and peals of laughter and they flung themselves inside.

  As the doors closed they could barely hear the librarian screaming, “Stop that elevator!” over the merry laughter of the lift.

  “Thanks for rescuing us,” Perrin said. She sounded rather grumpy.