What Lies Between (Where One Goes Book 2)

by B. N. Toler

  “No, it was that bad,” I explained. “I was wearing a thong.”

  I cringed as I remembered the humiliation I felt that day. It was one of those times growing up—a fragile moment between the time a girl is still a child, but reaching for womanhood, when I wanted to be something I didn’t really understand—like being sexy. My mind had raced toward the milestone, but my body and common sense hadn’t caught up.

  Ike’s mouth rounded in to an “O” as realization dawned.

  Axel’s features contorted. “Can we not discuss you wearing a thong.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry, Axel. Are you uncomfortable with the details of the story you’re telling?” I jabbed. “My apologies.”

  Turning my focus back to Ike, desperate to end the humiliation, I blurted out, “So I mooned the entire student body on my first day of high school.” I raised a fist in the air, feigning a mock victory. “Because I’m awesome.”

  Ike laughed, but at least had the decency to look like he felt bad about it. Axel showed no remorse as he rolled into a holding-his-stomach-he-was-laughing-so-hard bit.

  As his laughter slowed, he took his hat off and ran a hand through his hair before tugging it back on. “The school called Mom and Dad, and boy was dad pissed.” He shook his head.

  “He acted like I meant to show my ass to everyone,” I grumbled.

  “You two need to watch your language,” Grams chided playfully, not bothering to look up from her apple peeling task. Now that the story was over, she was ready to get back to work.

  “Sorry,” we both apologized in unison.

  “Axel, that was not a nice story to tell,” she continued. “You shouldn’t embarrass your sister that way.”

  “Grams, that is the kind of story one cannot keep to themselves for all eternity. I had to share it.”

  “How heavy the weight of keeping that to yourself must have been,” I said in mock sympathy.

  Not missing a beat Axel said, “Well, now it’s out of the way, and we can all move on. I feel better now that I’ve unburdened myself.”

  Standing, Grams began gathering the apples. “I think I have enough here. Ike, would you help me get them inside? I could use a hand in the kitchen, if you’re willing.” I wanted to squeeze her tight for changing the subject.

  Ike stood, preparing to assist her in her efforts. “I’m not much of a cook, but I am a soldier. I know how to follow orders, ma’am.”

  “Why don’t you two go spend some time together,” Grams suggested to me and Axel. “Come back in a bit for dinner.”

  “Sounds good, Grams. I’ll help you clean up before we go.”

  Axel helped gather apples while I went to Ike and grabbed his wrist. “You okay with this?” Grams was the best, but that didn’t mean I expected him to sign over his free time to her.

  “Yeah, go hang with your brother,” he insisted. “It’ll be good for you two to have some time together.”

  I glanced over at my big brother, who was explaining to Grams the appropriate vanilla ice cream to apple pie ratio, and glared at him. How could I love someone so much who had the power to mortify me like he just had?

  As if he’d read my mind, Ike smiled and shrugged, “That’s what siblings do—embarrass each other mercilessly. He’s really funny. I can see why he was your best friend.”

  “Funny at my expense,” I murmured.

  “It was actually a great story. Gave me a lot of insight.”

  I quirked a questioning brow.

  “If I didn’t know better, baby girl, I’d think you were a bit of an exhibitionist.”

  I scoffed. “What does that mean?”

  “Well…you mooned your high school. And you did flash me that one time.”

  “No. I didn’t,” I disagreed calmly, refusing to let him goad me into a reaction.

  “Then there was the whole ordeal with the cut on your butt. Pulled your pants down in front of two men,” he tsked.

  I punched his arm and huffed, “That is not how it went down.”

  Feigning pain, he rubbed his arm. “Umm…that’s exactly how it went down.”

  I glared at him through narrowed eyes, not wanting to concede, even if he was technically correct. Finally I relinquished and admitted defeat the most mature way I could. “You and Axel suck,” I declared and stomped my foot.

  Ike was wearing my favorite smile, and his eyes were lit with a soft joy.

  “Stop laughing at me,” I demanded.

  “I’m not laughing,” he defended, his eyes sparkling.

  “Yes, you are. With your eyes. You’re practically keeled-over-smacking-your-knee-laughing at me with your eyes.”

  “You’re imagining things, Charlotte,” he chuckled as he shook his head at my argument.

  “That glint,” I pointed. “Right there.”

  Reaching out, he brushed the back of his knuckles gently against my cheek. “I’m not laughing at you, baby girl. I’m watching you.”

  “Watching me?”

  “Did you know you wrinkle your nose when you’re frustrated?” I didn’t answer. I did know, sort of, but I never realized he had noticed. “You’re stunning, Charlotte.”

  My body hummed in response to the happiness radiating from him and the knowledge I was responsible for it. Whether it was because of my humiliating stories, or the way my nose wrinkled, I made Ike McDermott happy. Something about that made my heart squeeze. Oh, how I loved this man. I always had, and I always would. Every woman should have that—a man gazing at them the way Ike was gazing at me in that moment, like I was the most precious and beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

  As he leaned in to kiss me, my heart raced, my body poised toward him, welcoming his touch. Our lips were a breath away when the moment was ruined.

  “You guys can make out later. Geez,” Axel said with a cringe.

  We both jerked back, startled by the interruption. Ike closed his eyes and sighed in frustration as I cut a death glare at my brother.

  “Really, Axel?” I bit out.

  “Smooch some other time. I’m going to steal my sister for a bit.” Axel’s tone left no room for argument, not that either of us would have tried.

  “See you later,” Ike winked at me before disappearing.

  I stared at the place where he’d just stood, smiling like a goon.

  “Good grief, Charlotte,” Axel griped.

  Cutting my gaze to him, I asked, “What? You don’t date or anything here?”

  Axel rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. “It doesn’t work like that here.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Despite how it may seem at the moment, there is a bit of finality when you die. No, you don’t go off to a big empty void, but you don’t just pick up where you left off only in a new location, either. And there definitely aren’t any ‘Dead Singles Clubs,’” he nudged me playfully, “believe me, I looked.”

  “You’re terrible,” I said, shaking my head.

  He winked, then turned serious and continued, “The thing about this side, Char, is it’s endless, and different for everyone. Remember that time Mom and Dad took us to the Smithsonian and there were so many people in front of us while we waited to go in?” I nodded as he continued, “But once we were inside, it was like we were the only ones there, and only every now and then would we see other people. That’s what it’s like on this side, and like the paintings we looked at, everyone sees this place differently. Even you and I don’t see it exactly the same.” He paused and looked out across the hills surrounding Grams’s house.

  I waited for him to go on, but after a few minutes I asked softly, “So, what, you have to just do this alone?” My heart broke for him at the thought.

  “Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll always be on my own just because I didn’t find the one before I died. But that’s the funny thing about forever, sis. There isn’t any rush when you have an eternity to find out.”

  It made a lot of sense, but if what he said was true, why did I still feel like time was sli
pping away? My hand found its way to the pocket watch I still had tucked in the pocket of my shorts, and I could swear I felt it pulse to the rhythm of the second hand.

  “Okay, enough of the heavy stuff,” he griped and quickly changed the subject, which made me wonder if he really was lonely and didn’t like thinking about it. “Where do you want to go?” Axel asked. “Take us there.”

  I stopped and looked around. “I don’t know how to…” I waved my hand around “…just make a place.” I’d only morphed, or whatever, one time when Ike had passed out and I’d gotten us both to Grams’s house, and I had no idea how I’d actually done that.

  “Okay, I’ll teach you.” He threw an arm over my shoulder, squeezed me to his side and kissed my temple. He then stepped away from me and turned to face me. “Close your eyes.”

  I did as he instructed. “Now what?”

  “Now think of the place you want to go most, right this second.”

  Swallowing, I let my mind drift, surprised at where it landed. Axel wouldn’t like it, but for some reason, it’s where I wanted to be.

  “Now spin around twice and tap your heels together three times,” he instructed.

  I opened my eyes so he could see me roll them obnoxiously. He was messing with me treating me like I was Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. His head fell back as he laughed at me. “Sorry, I had to,” he apologized as his body convulsed. His smile fell abruptly as he realized where I’d brought us. His features contorted, “Why would you want to come here, Char?”

  “This was the last place we were alive together,” I explained, swallowing a lump as I watched him study the deserted street, empty sidewalks and tree-lined walkways leading up to entrances of the brick buildings on our college campus. “This was the last place I wrapped my arms around you.”

  Axel didn’t respond, his stare fixed on something. Looking over my shoulder, I followed his line of sight to the exact place we were hit the night he died. Turning back to him, I asked, “You know it wasn’t your fault, right?”

  Scratching the back of his neck, he shook his head in denial. “If I hadn’t had the bike, we wouldn’t have been on it. I should’ve listened to Dad.”

  “Pfft,” I snorted. “He doesn’t know everything, Axel.”

  Pulling me to him once more, he led us to a bench about thirty feet from where we’d crashed.

  “You’re going to have to forgive him, ya know?”

  “I forgive him,” I defended, a little too loudly. “It just…hurt.”

  When we reached the bench, Axel leaned back and spread his arms across the length of the bench while I sat up straight.

  “He wasn’t perfect.” Axel admitted. “If you’d asked me what I thought of our father the morning before I died, I would’ve given you an earful about all of his shortcomings.”

  I nodded. Axel and our father had been on the outs for months.

  “He was always up my ass. It drove me crazy. I felt like I would never reach whatever idea he had in his head for me…like no matter what I did, or how hard I tried, it would never be good enough for him.”

  Glancing back at him, I tilted my head. I’d known they’d had disagreements, but I never realized the extent it reached. “I didn’t know you felt that way, Ax. You never told me.”

  His mouth lifted on one side as he cut his eyes to me. “You were his favorite, Charlotte. Everyone knew that.”

  I reared back, a laugh of shock escaping me. “What? That is so not true.”

  “One hundred percent true. You always got what you wanted. Daddy’s girl,” he mocked as he poked me in the side.

  I smacked his hand away. “Whatever. I don’t remember it that way at all.”

  We were quiet for a moment before Axel spoke again. “He just wanted me to do better than him. He wanted me to have more than him.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean…I didn’t get it when I was alive, and yeah, maybe if I’d made it to his age, or even became a father myself, I would’ve gotten it, but after I was pulled away from it all, I could see it.”

  “See what?”

  “Why he was the way he was. Dad liked to feel in control. He liked things to be a certain way. That’s where he found peace. Of course, I was always the one to go against the grain. It drove him nuts because he couldn’t keep me in line. I just thought he was controlling and a narcissist, but he wasn’t. I was wrong.”

  I stared at him in disbelief. Axel admitting he was wrong was monumental, let alone in regards to my father.

  “Love and fear go hand in hand sometimes. He loved us so much it scared him, and the more scared he got, the harder he pushed me to fall in line.”

  “You’re defending him?” I asked surprised.

  “No…well yes,” he conceded. “I’m not saying he was perfect or anything…I just mean I can see he was a man who was really scared to love. I scared him.”

  A tear trickled down my cheek. “I guess I did, too.”

  Axel squeezed my shoulder. “I was a wild teen and then you…you woke up with this gift he didn’t understand. We were outside of his control; outside of his scope of control. He couldn’t protect us from what he couldn’t control. He didn’t know what to do.”

  As I absorbed his words, I could see his point. Maybe my father was scared of what he couldn’t control. Maybe it frightened him so much it was easier to let me go, versus keeping me close and feeling the weight of it every day. I couldn’t excuse him, but in a way, I could understand. Life with me and my gift was not easy. My mind drifted to George. He never bailed; he never turned away from me. He walked the path I was put on with me, thankful just to be by my side even when it was hard. My chest tightened as a gratefulness consumed me. My husband was my hero.

  “Nothing in life is in control. Not for any of us. Dad turned his back on us, Ax,” I reminded him. “Being scared isn’t an excuse.”

  “You have to forgive him, Char. That’s when you’ll find peace.”

  “I do forgive him, I argued. “I just can’t forget.” I groaned, frustrated with myself and my thinking. “You don’t understand.”

  He crossed his arms over his chest and looked at me thoughtfully. “Hey…I’ve got an eternity of time. Make me understand.”

  I huffed. How could I make him understand? Something had died, but then it didn’t really. Not in the conventional sense. The definition of death is the permanent end of the life of a biological organism. We box this in as humans or animals—anything with a heartbeat or breathing. I considered myself a professor of sorts when it came to death—after all I could see the dead—how could I not be well versed in this area? The thing is though, so many other things perish, and they don’t fit within that context.

  I gripped the seat of the bench with both hands and leaned forward, letting my gaze fix on a tiny yellow flower that had managed to grow through a crack in the concrete near my foot. “He was the greatest man I knew,” I finally began. “People throw around the phrase ‘he’s dead to me,’ but while it may be true to a certain extent, it’s not really accurate to explain what they really mean; what I would mean if I said it about Dad.”

  Axel was quiet for a long moment before he asked, “What do you mean?”

  I licked my dry lips and scanned the vacant campus as I searched for the words, “I mean the connection I had to him as his daughter is dead. It died the day he gave up on me and sent me away. He slit its throat with the stroke of a pen. And with that connection went all the respect, trust, faith I’d had in him as a father, and to a large extent as a decent human being. What honorable man throws away his daughter—his only surviving child? All that was left was an empty void I was forced to live with for the rest of my life.”

  I glanced Axel’s way and found him watching me. “It would have been better if he’d died,” I admitted bluntly. “I would rather have watched his casket being lowered into the ground, than to lose the way I saw him and the way he felt about me.” Tilting my head up, I peered into the cloudless sk
y as I struggled for the right words to explain myself. “Seeing someone that way, holding them in such high regard…” I broke off as my voice shook with emotion. I shifted my gaze back to the flower and toed at the crack with my shoe. “We all need to have someone we see that way. Someone who inspires us…teaches us.” A sad smile captured my lips. “They don’t have funerals for when you lose respect for someone. You just have to live the rest of your days knowing this person was not who you thought they were.”

  Axel covered my hand, still gripping the bench, with his and squeezed. “I know he hurt you, but you’re hurting yourself more by not letting it go. Forgiveness is a choice, Char. It’s time to heal.”

  I pushed some hair behind my ear and sighed. “I just thought on this side…I wouldn’t feel anything. I’d just feel...euphoric. I imagined I’d be floating around on a cloud with tiny cherubs feeding me grapes.”

  Axel laughed. He knew I was kidding. “Well, maybe there aren’t cherubs feeding us grapes, but it’s still pretty kick ass here. This side, heaven...call it what you want, sis, the point is it’s what we make it. You won’t find peace unless you really let it all go. Kind of like Ike when you met him. He couldn’t find his heaven until he let go.”

  “Axel how could I be here if I hadn’t let go? If something was left unfinished, I’d be in limbo.”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know, Char. In some ways, it doesn’t feel like you’re really here.”

  The corners of my mouth drooped. “What does that mean?”

  He shrugged again, “I just know that I feel something off with you.”

  I shook my head, frustrated. He was right. Something was off. I had unfinished business—Click. But there was no way for me to help her, now that I was here. As far as my father was concerned, I had let go. I mean, yeah, I was still hurt, but I forgave my father. Right? Of course I did. I’d told him I did.

  “Hey,” he patted my back, “I’m not trying to upset you.”

  “Can we talk about something else?” The question came out blunt, with my frustration evident in my tone.

  Axel watched me for a moment, his mouth pressed together as if he were debating whether to say something or not, but after a moment he hopped up. “I have a better idea. Let’s go for a ride.”