The Penguin Complete Novels of Nancy Mitford

by Nancy Mitford

  At last it died away again, and General Murgatroyd said, ‘Well, the drive’s over. You can get up now, if you like.’ Jane endeavoured to stand, but her legs would hardly carry her. After rubbing them for a bit she was just able to stagger out of the butt. She saw all around her the same band of peasants that had met them when they left the ’bus earlier that morning. Most of them were carrying dead grouse and picking up others.

  ‘How kind!’ she thought. ‘The general has taken pity on the poor creatures and given them permission to gather the birds for their evening meal. He must really be nicer than he looks.’

  Thinking of the evening meal made Jane realize that she was extremely hungry. ‘Luncheon time soon, I expect.’ She glanced at her watch. Only eleven o’clock! It must have stopped. Still ticking, though. Perhaps the hands had got stuck. She asked Admiral Wenceslaus the time.

  ‘Nearly eleven, by Jove! We shall have to show a leg if we’re to get in two more drives before lunch.’

  Jane could hardly restrain her tears on hearing this. She sat hopelessly on a rock, while the rest of the party wandered about the heather looking for dead grouse.

  When one of them found a bird he would whistle up his dog and point to the little corpse saying, ‘Seek hard,’ and making peculiar noises in his throat. The dog would occasionally pick it up and give it into his master’s hand, but more often would sniff away in another direction, in which case its master seized it by the scruff of the neck, rubbed its nose into the bird and gave it a good walloping.

  Jane began to realize the full significance of the expression ‘a dog’s life’.

  Lady Prague, who also strode about searching for grouse, presently came up to where Jane was sitting upon her rock, and asked why she didn’t help.

  ‘Because even if I did find a bird no bribe would induce me to touch it,’ said Jane rather rudely, looking at Lady Prague’s bloodstained hands.

  In time the birds were all collected and hung upon the back of a small pony, and the party began to walk towards the butts from which the next drive was to take place. These were dimly visible on the side of the opposite mountain, and appeared to be a great distance away.

  Jane walked by herself in a miserable silence, carefully watching her feet. In spite of this she fell down continually. The others were all talking and laughing over incidents of the drive. Jane admired them for keeping up their spirits in such circumstances. Their jokes were incomprehensible to her.

  ‘I saw you take that bird of mine, old boy, but I wiped your eye twice, you know. Ha! Ha!’

  ‘That dog o’ yours has a good nose for other people’s birds. Ha! Ha!’

  ‘D’you remember poor old Monty at that very drive last year? All he shot was a beater and a bumble-bee.’

  ‘Ah, yes! Poor Monty, poor Monty. Ha, ha, ha!’

  The walk seemed endless. They came to a river which everyone seemed able to cross quite easily by jumping from stone to stone except Jane, who lost her balance in the middle and was obliged to wade. The water was ice-cold and came to her waist, but was not at first unpleasant, her feet were hot and sore, and both her ankles were swollen. Presently, however, the damp stockings began to rub her heels and every step became agony.

  When they finally reached the butts Jane felt that she was in somewhat of a quandary. With whom ought she to sit this time? She hardly liked to inflict herself on General Murgatroyd again. Lord Prague and Captain Chadlington had their wives with them, and the admiral and Mr Buggins were so very far ahead that she knew she would never have time to catch them up. She looked round rather helplessly, and saw standing near her one of the strangers who had come over for the day. As he was young and had a kind face, she ventured to ask if she might sit with him during the next drive. He seemed quite pleased and, making her a comfortable seat with his coat and cartridge bag, actually addressed her as if she were a human being. Jane felt really grateful: no one had so far spoken a word to her, except Lady Prague and General Murgatroyd, and they only from a too evident sense of duty.

  The young man, whose name was Lord Alfred Sprott, asked if there was a cheery crowd at Dalloch Castle. Jane, more loyally than truthfully, said, ‘Yes, a very cheery crowd.’ She hoped that it was cheery where he was staying, too? He replied that it was top-hole, only a little stalking lodge, of course, but very cosy and jolly, quite a picnic. He told her some of the jolly jokes they had there. Jane, in her bemused condition, found him most entertaining; she laughed quite hysterically, and was sorry when the birds began to fly over them, putting an end to conversation.

  In spite, however, of this spiritual sunshine Jane soon began to feel colder and more miserable even than before, and greatly looked forward to the next walk which might warm her up and dry her clothes.

  This was not to be. While the birds were being picked up after that drive, she learnt, to her dismay, that the next one would take place from the same butts.

  The wait between these two drives was interminable. Lord Alfred Sprott seemed to have come to the end of his witticisms and sat on his shooting-stick in a gloomy silence. Jane ventured one or two remarks, but they were not well received. She gathered that Lord Alfred had been shooting badly, and this had affected his spirits. She became more and more unhappy and shook all over with cold.

  ‘I expect I shall be very ill after this,’ she thought. ‘I shall probably die, after lingering for some weeks; then perhaps they will be sorry.’ And tears of self-pity and boredom welled up in her eyes.

  When the drive was over, they all began to walk towards the hut where luncheon was prepared. They were now obliged to keep in a straight line with each other, in order to put up game for the men, who carried their guns and let them off from time to time.

  ‘Keep up please, Miss Dacre. Keep in line, please, or you’ll be shot, you know.’

  Jane thought that it seemed almost uncivilized to threaten an acquaintance that she must keep up or be shot, but she said nothing and struggled, fairly successfully, not to be left behind. As the result of this further misery one tiny bird was added to the bag.

  8

  Nothing in this world lasts for ever. The longest morning Jane could remember was at an end and the party had assembled in a little hut for luncheon. A good fire burnt in one corner and a smell of food and peat smoke created a friendly atmosphere. Jane felt happier, especially when she saw that Sally and Albert were seated on the floor in front of the fire.

  Albert looked particularly alluring in an orange crêpe-de-chine shirt open at the neck, and a pair of orange-and-brown tartan trousers, tight to the knees and very baggy round the ankles. Under one arm he carried an old-fashioned telescope of black leather heavily mounted in brass, with which, he said, when asked why he had brought it, to view the quarry. He and Lord Alfred greeted each other with unconcealed disgust; they had been at Eton and Oxford together.

  Luncheon was rather a silent meal. There was not nearly enough food to go round, and everyone was busy trying to take a little more than his or her share and then to eat it quickly for fear the others should notice. (The admiral choked rather badly from trying to save time by drinking with his mouth full. Lady Prague and General Murgatroyd thumped him on the back and made him look at the ceiling, after which he recovered.) Most of the baskets in which the food was packed seemed to contain a vast quantity of apples which nobody ate at all. Some very promising-looking packages were full of Petit-Beurre biscuits or dry bread, and the scarcity of food was rendered all the more tantalizing by the fact that what there was of it was quite excellent. The thermos flask which should have contained coffee proved to be empty.

  Lady Prague and Lord Alfred carried on a desultory conversation about their mutual relations whose name appeared to be legion.

  ‘I hear Buzzy has sold all his hunters.’

  ‘Yes, I heard. An absolute tragedy, you know. But I’m afraid it’s …’

  ‘Yes, that’s what my mother says. I don’t know, t
hough, really why it should be.’

  ‘Well, my dear, every reason if you come to think of it. But what does Eileen say about all this – ?’

  ‘Haven’t you heard?’

  ‘No – what?’

  ‘Eileen is staying down at Rose Dean.’

  ‘No! Well, I must say I never, never would have thought it of her; though, mind you, I have always disliked Eileen. But really! Rose Dean – no that is a little too much. Then where is Looey? … (etc., etc.)’ This was so interesting for everybody else.

  When everything eatable had been consumed the general marshalled them all out of doors again. Admiral Wenceslaus was very indignant at this and said something to Jane about letting a cove finish his brandy in peace; but even he dared not mutiny and, muttering a few naval expressions, he followed the others out of the hut.

  To Jane’s great relief – for she was very tired and stiff – each of the women was now provided with a pony to ride. Albert walked between Jane’s pony and Sally’s. He looked round at the large crowd of people spread out over the moor, the ponies, dogs, and men with guns.

  ‘We might be early settlers escaping from native tribes,’ he observed. ‘Led through unnatural hardships to civilization and safety by the iron will-power of one man, our beloved and sainted general. Alas, that within sight of help, his noble spirit should have flown. Poor, good old man, he will yet be enshrined in the heart of each one of us for ever.’

  ‘Please don’t laugh quite so loudly!’ Lady Prague shouted to Jane and Sally, ‘or all the birds will settle.’

  ‘I wish,’ said Albert, ‘that I could spot an eagle or a stag with my telescope for the darling general to shoot at. He might take a fancy to me if I did. Our present lack of intimacy begins to weigh on my spirits.’

  Albert searched the horizon with his telescope, but complained that, being unable to keep one eye shut, he saw nothing.

  ‘If you ask me, I expect that’s why the admiral rose from the ranks. Having only one eye, anyhow, he probably took prizes for viewing enemy craft quicker and more accurately than his shipmates. “A sail! – A sail! Ahoy!”’ he cried, dancing a sort of hornpipe on the heather.

  General Murgatroyd, who was beating his dog, stopped for a moment and asked Alfred Sprott if ‘that fella thought the birds would be able to stand the sight of his orange shirt?’ Lord Alfred grunted, he could hardly stand the sight of it himself.

  ‘I ducked him once,’ he said, ‘in Mercury.’

  ‘Good boy! Did you, then? Good for you, sir!’

  ‘This scenery,’ said Albert to Jane, ‘is really most amusing. It is curious how often natural scenery belongs to one particular era. The Apennines, for instance, are purely Renaissance: Savernake was made for the age of chivalry: Chantilly and Fontainebleau for the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries: the Rhine for the Middle Ages, and so on. At other times these landscapes seem beautiful, but unreal. Scotland, as you will no doubt have noticed, was invented by the Almighty for the delectation of Victoria and Albert. Foreseeing their existence, He arranged really suitable surroundings for them, and these purple mountains and mauve streams will stand as a reminder of the Victorian age long after the Albert Memorial has turned to dust.’

  ‘What,’ asked Jane, ‘would you call the landscape of today?’

  Albert did not answer, but said faintly:

  ‘Aren’t we nearly there; I’m most dreadfully tired?’

  Sally jumped off her pony.

  ‘Do ride instead of me for a bit, Albert; I wanted a walk.’

  General Murgatroyd could hardly contain himself when he saw Albert, his graceful figure swaying slightly from the hips, seated upon Sally’s pony. He was tired himself, though nothing would have induced him to say so; if Prague could still walk so could he. Lord Prague, it may be noted, was to all intents and purposes dead, except on shooting days when he would come to life in the most astonishing manner, walking and shooting with the best. At other times he would sit in an arm-chair with his eyes shut and his hands folded, evidently keeping his strength for the next shoot. He hardly appeared able even to walk from his drawing-room to the dining-room and was always helped upstairs by his valet.

  At about half a mile from their destination the horses were left behind and the party began to climb a fairly steep hill. When they reached the first butt Albert declared that he could go no farther and would stay where he was.

  ‘That,’ remarked Lord Alfred, who was passing it, ‘is General Murgatroyd’s butt.’

  ‘Splendid!’ And Albert, swinging himself on to the edge of it, sat there in a graceful position, his legs crossed, pretending to look through his telescope.

  ‘Well, you’d better put on this mackintosh, Gates, that shirt would scare all the birds for miles.’

  Lord Alfred went on his way feeling like the Good Samaritan.

  Presently General Murgatroyd appeared with his loader. When he saw Albert he glared and muttered, but took no further notice of him and began to make his own arrangements for the drive.

  ‘May I let off your gun, sir?’ said Albert, pointing it straight into the general’s face.

  ‘Put that gun down this instant. My God! young man, I’m sure I don’t know where you were brought up. When I was a kid I was sent to bed for a week because I pointed my toy pistol at the nurse.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Albert, rather taken aback by his manner. ‘I didn’t know it was full.’

  The general wiped his brow and looked round helplessly.

  ‘You can sit on that stone,’ he said, indicating one at the bottom of the butt.

  ‘Oh, sir, please, must I sit there? I wanted to watch you. I shan’t see anything from down here. Oh, please, may I stand up?’

  Receiving no answer beyond a frigid stare, Albert, with a deep sigh, disposed himself upon the stone, sitting cross-legged like an idol. He then produced a slim volume from his pocket. ‘I presume that you have read “The Testament of Beauty”, sir?’

  ‘Never heard of it.’

  ‘Oh, sir, you must have heard of it. A very great poem by our Poet Laureate.’

  ‘No, I haven’t; I expect it’s immoral stuff, anyway. Kipling ought to be the Poet Laureate, to my mind.’

  ‘Alas! Philistine that I am, I must disagree with you. I cannot appreciate Sir Rudyard’s writings as no doubt I should. “Lest we forget, lest we forget,”’ he chanted. ‘Have you a favourite poem, sir?’

  The general remained silent, his eye on the horizon. As a matter of fact he had a favourite poem, but could not quite remember how it went –

  Under the wide and starry sky

  Dig my grave and let me lie.

  Home is the hunter home from the hill,

  And the hunter home from the hill.

  Something more or less like that.

  ‘You care for T. S. Eliot, sir? But no, of course, I heard you cut off the wireless last night when Mrs Nicolson was about to read us some of his poems. How I wish I could be the one to convert you!’ And he began to declaim in a loud and tragic voice:

  ‘We are the stuffed men, the hollow men …’

  ‘Oh, will you be quiet? Can’t you see the birds are settling?’

  ‘I can see nothing from down here except the very séant pattern of your exquisite tweeds. But no matter.’

  Albert read for a time in silence.

  The general was breathing hard. Presently he stiffened:

  ‘Over you! – over you, sir!’ he shouted.

  Albert dropped his book in a puddle and leapt to his feet, knocking the general’s arm by mistake. The gun went off with a roar and a large number of birds flew over their heads unscathed.

  ‘You blasted idiot! Why can’t you sit still where I told you? Of all the damned fools I ever met –’

  ‘I regret that I cannot stay here to be insulted,’ said Albert; and he strolled out of the butt.r />
  ‘Come back, will you? Blast you! Can’t you see the bloody drive is beginning?’

  Albert paid no attention, but walked gracefully away over the heather, telescope in hand, towards the next butt. Its occupant luckily happened to be Mr Buggins, who was rather amused by and inclined to tolerate Albert, so there were no further contretemps. Meanwhile, the general, infuriated beyond control, was seen to fall upon his loader and shake him violently.

  When this eventful drive was over, Jane, Sally and Albert, finding themselves close to a road where the motor cars were waiting, took the heaven-sent opportunity to go home. Jane on her arrival went straight to bed, where she remained the whole of the following day, entertaining riotous parties in her bedroom. Her ankles were so swollen that it was nearly a week before she could walk without the aid of a stick.

  9

  Jane was enjoying herself passionately. Curiously enough, she thought, she had not fallen in love with Albert at all, but simply regarded him as a most perfect companion. Always cheerful and amusing, he was at the same time seriously intellectual and had the capacity of throwing himself heart and soul into whatever he happened to be doing. He and Jane had spent much of their time collecting together all the Victorian odds-and-ends that they could find in the house. These they assembled in the billiard-room, where Albert was now busy photographing them for a brochure which he intended to produce entitled ‘Recent Finds at Dalloch Castle’, and which was to form a supplement to his larger work, ‘Household Art of the Nineteenth Century’.

  Jane, who had up till then maintained a wholesome superiority with regard to everything Victorian, quickly smothered this feeling, and learnt from Albert really to admire the bead stools, lacquer boxes, wax flowers and albums of water-colour sketches which so fascinated him.