The Messy Maiden

by Shona Husk

  He smiled at the memory of her upturned lips. The way she’d tasted.

  She’d been happy to kiss him.

  Twice.

  Despite the heat in her gaze and the tilt of her lips she was holding back. She was interested but hesitant. The smile vanished. How would she feel about dating a man who was a subscriber?

  With both of them keeping secrets someone was going to have to tell the truth first. He wasn’t sure he could ever do that again. He winced at the memory of the shouting and the glint as the engagement ring had it had hit the floor and bounced with a hollow chime.

  His phone buzzed. Saskia had agreed to dinner on Friday.

  He sighed. It didn’t feel like a victory.

  If he couldn’t admit the truth how could he expect her to? He slumped in the chair.

  He should have let things be, but from the moment he’d heard her voice reality and fantasy had collided. Hopefully the fallout wouldn’t be toxic.

  Chapter Eight

  The restaurant was lovely. They’d had a couple of drinks after work and then walked around until it was time for their booking. So far it was a nice relaxed kind of date with no weird ‘shall I pick you up’ moments because they were using work as the neutral zone. Plus she liked being around him. He was easy to talk to and they hadn’t run out of conversation yet.

  That didn’t stop her from wanting to check her watch or from wondering how many guys had tried to call her only to be disappointed. She was usually busier after ten, often working until one or two am. When dinner ended she would go home and work…but as Ian smiled at her and talked about his family and the normality of his life she wasn’t sure that she wanted to go home alone.

  Perhaps she could feign illness. Did fantasy women get sick? Then again she’d always presented herself as the girl next door so maybe it would be okay. She certainly didn’t want them thinking she was seeing anyone. That would be bad for business. She was their date, always there and waiting for their messages.

  “What about you? Siblings?” His question jerked her out of her dilemma.

  “Just me. My parents divorced when I was five. Mum started dating again—well I became aware she was dating when I was sixteen. When I moved out she married him and they moved down to Tasmania where they run a little tourism business.”

  “So you stayed here alone?”

  She gave a one shouldered shrug. “I didn’t want to go to Tassie, my friends are here. My job was here.” If he thought that was weird, he definitely wouldn’t be able to handle the rest.

  “You haven’t temped the whole time…what happened?”

  “The company I was working for got bought and I got dropped in the merge. It was a rude shock and a wake up.” She’d been spending all of her money on clothes and shoes and going out. What followed had been a massive re-evaluation of her life and where she was heading. It might be time to do another check because what she was doing was no longer working for her. She was working for it.

  “I can imagine.”

  “Can you?” She doubted that. He had a degree and was a manager. She doubted his life had ever taken a dive.

  He looked at her for a moment. His crispy skinned salmon half uneaten. “I was engaged. And the breakup was spectacularly painful. The worst bit was I didn’t see it coming and I was unprepared. I analyze things for a living and I completely missed it.”

  “Ouch.” That had to hurt worse than losing a job…but financially he’d probably come out unscathed. Unlike her. She’d come very close to losing her apartment, her car, everything. Never again.

  While she wanted to ask what had happened, they weren’t quite on that territory yet.

  At some point they would be, and she’d have to tell the truth about why she wasn’t available over the weekend. She’d ditched Numbers101 for Ian and while she didn’t regret it exactly, she did feel guilty.

  She also felt guilty for seeing Ian. Even though she wasn’t getting naked or having sex with her clients it was still a relationship of sorts. Maybe her ex was right and what she did was different than the magazines. She wasn’t just a picture for perving on. She was there and talking to them, some might be single—some deserved to be single—but others would have partners or wives and families. For them she was the other woman. Was it cheating, though, or were they not actually cheating because they were online with her?

  Once she’d been able to frame what she did as a kind of community service. But now that she was interested in someone it was harder. She didn’t want to be living a double life. She also didn’t see why she had to choose between money and a relationship.

  She smiled at Ian but it felt forced.

  What if Bianca was right and if she didn’t quit now everything would pass her by? Her friends got annoyed that she ditched them to work all the time. To them her website had been kooky and fun at first. They’d been impressed with her bravery—stripping down to a bikini online! Now they couldn’t believe that she was still doing it. One, now ex-friend, had referred to her home as the-house-that-smut bought.

  “Live and learn,” he said as though that wound while healed still hurt. “No tragic busts ups in your past?”

  She shook her head. “A few exes but nothing that ever got that serious. I haven’t really put a lot of effort into dating over the last year or so…it just wasn’t a priority.”

  Which was a polite way of saying it was too hard. So why was she here?

  Because when she looked at him her heart actually beat a little faster. When he’d kissed her she’d wanted to melt into his arms. He made her want to take the risk.

  “No danger of getting hurt if you aren’t putting yourself out there.”

  She wasn’t sure if he was saying that for his own benefit or just as a general statement but she had to agree. It was safer not to try and connect sometimes. “Exactly.”

  Their dishes were cleared away and they perused the dessert menu. She glanced at him and caught him watching. His lips curved.

  Her breath hitched as her heart flopped over. She was in trouble.

  It would be nice to have her weekends back, even if she wasn’t sure what she’d do with them. Although she could think of a few things she’d like to do tonight, and they all involved Ian and very little clothing. Her cheeks warned and she turned her attention back to the menu.

  Dessert only made her think of Numbers101…and Ian. They both seemed to have a sweet tooth. While she’d been busily convincing herself that there was no way they could be the same person and that she was freaking out about nothing…that they’d both wanted a date—virtual or otherwise—on the same night was…it was her overreacting again. Co-incidence. Friday night was a good night for any kind of date.

  The only reason she didn’t usually have clashes was because she didn’t usually date. She was making an exception for Ian. And next weekend? What then? She couldn’t do this every weekend without her business taking a hit. Her five year plan would see her with a mortgage free house and a nest egg. She’d be set and alone. There had to be a better balance.

  “You look concerned…is there nothing suitable on the menu?” There was that glint in his eyes again. In the soft light of the restaurant the difference in color was less noticeable. At first glance most people wouldn’t notice. She did. And if she had eyes like his she’d wear sunglasses online too. She shoved the uncomfortable thought aside.

  There was plenty of suitable desserts, for eating and sploshing. Was it sad that when she looked at a menu that was one of her first thoughts?

  “I think I’ll have the tiramisu.” Maybe that would be her next video. It would spread nicely.

  The waitress took their order—Ian had picked the chocolate tart with berry coulis and crème anglaise. It was unfortunate that she could all too clearly imagine the things that could be done with the berry sauce and cream. That she could imagine Ian doing them with her was just a little unnerving. He shouldn’t be in those imaginings. She didn’t get off with food. Not that she’d tried. No bo
yfriend had ever made the suggestion and neither had she, and she certainly didn’t find performing on camera sexy.

  But in that heartbeat she wanted to know what the attraction was. She wanted to know if what she did could be sexy with someone.

  He finished his glass of wine. His gaze on her. “I’d like to do this again.”

  “So would I.” She put her elbows on the table and leaned in. He mirrored her movement. His fingers brushed her hand and a shiver of heat slid through her. She couldn’t keep taking Friday nights off work though as she couldn’t live with the guilt—or the lack of money. She was used to the extra and like watching her savings grow. “But Friday’s could be difficult as I have a second job. I work most of the weekend.”

  Almost the truth. He didn’t need to know what it was.

  He frowned for a moment. God, she hoped she hadn’t just blown it, but he would’ve noticed pretty soon that she had limited availability.

  “Is that a polite brush off?”

  “No. Please don’t take it as one.” She didn’t want him to think that she wasn’t interested. “I’m being up front and saying that I want to see you, but the usual date nights aren’t good for me.”

  He nodded slowly. “What do you do?”

  “It’s an online thing, but I need to commit time to it.” That really did sound like a vague excuse to get out of seeing any further.

  “So the temping is just until the online thing takes off?”

  “No, the temping was because I couldn’t get a permanent job and I like it. The online thing took off more than I expected and I continued because I want to clear my mortgage. I never want to be caught out again.”

  His eyebrows lifted. “That’s impressive.”

  “Thank you.” She was sure he wouldn’t say that if he knew what she was doing. She was waiting for him to ask exactly what it was she did. She was going to lie and say counseling. Well, her work was therapeutic and the men got a release. And while she hated lying it was too early to admit to being a webcam girl. And it would be far too humiliating if he took that back to the office and, told people and then refused to ever see her again.

  “Which job do you prefer?”

  She lifted an eyebrow. “I guess it depends on the day…much like any job.” That was the truth. Some days in was fun, some days it was hard work and she’d rather be in her pajamas watching TV.

  But then she felt like that about temping some mornings as she hit the snooze button more than once. “What about you? Love your job?”

  “It’s interesting enough and doesn’t usually chew up my weekends.”

  “Leaving them free to ride.” She smiled. At least they had hobbies to keep them busy.

  “Amongst other things.” He gave her a small grin as though he were considering something. “When I first heard your voice I sure that I’d met you before. I just couldn’t place you.”

  Her heart stopped. But she forced her smile to remain in place. “And now you know?”

  He couldn’t know. Then he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pair of sunglasses. He put them on the table between them.

  She knew those glasses. She swallowed and stared at Numbers101.

  If Saskia was the Messy Maiden, then she’d get the significance. If she wasn’t, he was going to look like a tool. Nerves drew tight in his gut and cold sweat formed between his shoulder blades, but he was feeling pretty confident it was her. She’d relaxed since the first time he’d seen her. The prim smiles were gone and he recognized the wider ones. The cheeky grins and the look in her eyes. It was entirely more powerful in real life than online.

  He was very aware that his palms were now feeling a little sweaty too. This was more nerve wracking than he thought it would be. He imagined a sense of relief in being able to come clean about his messy fantasies, but she wasn’t saying anything. She was just looking at the glasses.

  Staring.

  Slowly he unfolded the arms of the sunglasses and then put them on.

  He had crossed the line into complete dickhead territory now if it wasn’t her. He’d brought the glasses just in case the conversation had opened up. If he was sure. He was ninety-nine percent sure. And yesterday when he’d seen her at work he’d realized that while they could date and hide the truth it was going to be worse coming out later. For her to know that he’d known her secret and said nothing would look terrible.

  Worse than this and the way she was now looking at him, with her mouth parted in shock?

  At least he hoped it was shock not horror.

  He waited a couple of heartbeats then took the glasses off and put them back in his pocket. She hadn’t asked what he was doing. That had to be a good sign. She had to know what they meant.

  The silence stretched on. He couldn’t say anything. She had to. Maybe he did have to go first since he’d create this silence. He reached for his water, his throat dry.

  “How long have you known?” Her voice was really quiet.

  “I didn’t, not for sure, until just then. But I knew your voice and I needed to take the chance.”

  “I’m not her.” She shook her head. The sexy glint in her eyes had been replaced by worry. “Not really.” She glanced away, her gaze landing on the door. “This has never happened before.”

  She was going to get up and walk out if he didn’t do something. “I asked you out because I wanted to get to know you.”

  Her gaze snapped back to him. “You wanted to know if I was her.”

  He paused then sighed. “At first, yes. But I like you…and her.”

  However from the look of further horror on her face, Saskia had obviously separated her online persona from her real life one.

  She looked away, for the first time tonight he felt a growing distance. She couldn’t even look him in the eye. He’d blown it, just like last time. He was a freak in her eyes.

  She shook her head as if having an argument with herself.

  The waitress brought dessert, but he didn’t have the stomach for it. He could pay the bill and leave.

  “I’m not going to say anything about your online job.” He tried to reassure her.

  “You can’t without naming yourself.” Her gaze was hard and sharp. If looks could kill he should be on the floor bleeding from a fatal wound. At least it would be over then. If she’d just walk out, or say they were done. Something.

  “This is weird for me too, but I couldn’t hide that I knew. It wouldn’t have been fair.” He believed in honesty even if it hadn’t worked out too well for him in the past.

  She made a noise that could’ve been agreement and the tension from around her lips eased. “I suspected, but I’d convinced myself that I was just being suspicious.”

  So she’d felt something to. That was strangely comforting.

  “We never have to talk about it again. But at least we can maybe move forward…” He hopped that they could get past their online personas.

  She stabbed at her tiramisu and took bite. It looked as though she wasn’t enjoying it. He moved the berries around his plate still unable to eat.

  She ate another bite, but this time she was looking at him and he wasn’t sure he liked the look. It was too calculated. “So when you eat dessert what are you thinking?”

  Ian put down his spoon. While she hadn’t called him a pervert yet, her tone was less than friendly. “I like dessert. I like trying new things. Yes sometimes I think about the sensual possibilities. Food is a pleasure. The taste, the texture…” He could see he was losing her. “Do you not stop to think about that?”

  “I look at the mess factor.” She sighed and grimaced. “I’m in it for the money.” Her shoulders sagged a little. “Since we are being honest.” She glanced at him. “It’s an act. I’m sorry if you were expecting something, someone else. Maybe I should go.”

  He reached out a hand. “Stay. Part of me always knew it was an act, but it was still enjoyable to watch. It’s more fun to play with someone than on your own.”

  “Yo
u’ve done both?”

  No he hadn’t. He’d never played by himself like she did for the camera. He knew it wasn’t the food, it was being with someone else and tasting and teasing and touching. But he wasn’t going to explain all of that now.

  “No. Food alone doesn’t turn me on.”

  “And yet…” She frowned. “Why subscribe?”

  “I stumbled across your site after my fiancée threw me out.” The memory repeated. At least it hadn’t got that far this time. He’d never let it get that far again with being honest.

  Her head tilted a fraction. “Because you told her what you liked?”

  “I made a couple off suggestions and it all spiraled out of control. Needless to say some names were thrown around. Since then I haven’t told anyone. I thought I could tell you because…well, we have something in common. Is dating a subscriber too odd for you?”

  Again she pulled a face. Her nose wrinkled like she’d just discovered a rotting fish head in her dessert. “Compared to some of them you aren’t weird.” She shrugged. ‘But I don’t know. This is new ground for me.” She shook her head and closed her eyes. “The things you’ve seen.”

  At least she was no longer angry, but the tension was still between them. It would’ve been one hundred times worse having this conversation later after they’d gotten more serious.

  “I enjoyed them all.”

  She opened her eyes. “Why?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe some wires got crossed in my brain. What you do is sexy. You always made it seem like fun. It was never sleazy or dirty. It was nice not to be made to feel ashamed.”

  She bit her lower lip. “I’m sorry your fiancée wasn’t more understanding.”

  “I guess it’s not something everyone can deal with.” Could she? She’d already admitted that it was just a job. Would she be interested in experimenting or would she run a thousand miles?

  “I’ve never had a partner in crime.” Her gaze narrowed as she considered him.

  “You stumbled on sploshing by yourself?”