Jonah had a flash of kneeling, head right below the table, his hands resting on his knees while the only bites of dinner were something fed to him. But he didn’t know who he expected to do the feeding.
This was getting crazy.
“Evan.” Jonah swallowed. He wanted to say it, really say it, but what if—and what if he got it and it still wasn’t enough? What if Evan looked at Jonah like he was some kind of freak for needing that?
Evan waited, fingers still on the stem of his wine glass.
“What did you think of it?”
“I liked it.” Evan leaned in close, words soft but audible. “I liked having control of you, Jonah. I liked having your mouth to use the way I wanted. So the question is, is that what you liked?”
“Yes.”
Evan nodded, and Jonah knew he was supposed to say more, explain it like Evan had, but Jonah couldn’t find a way to explain it and if he started blurting stuff out, he was afraid of what would come out of his mouth. About finding the rings and not knowing if he was ready and 2top4u and, most of all that he never wanted to hurt Evan the way Paul hurt Kelly.
Jonah couldn’t have been happier to see the waiter with the entrées than if he were a starving contestant on Survivor.
There was a lot of business with the freshly grated cheese and the freshly ground pepper, restocking the bread bowl and refilling their wine glasses and water, and the moment evaporated into the garlic-scented air. Jonah felt safe until the waiter asked if they wanted dessert.
“Do you know what you want, Jonah?”
There was a lot more to Evan’s question than Jonah selecting the flourless chocolate cake. Evan ordered an espresso and biscotti and the waiter disappeared again.
“So have you figured out what you want yet?” Evan asked.
Jonah finished off his wine. “I’m getting there.”
“Well, I think I did okay with your birthday present.” Evan reached back and for a second Jonah was terrified that this was it. He knew Evan would never have tortured Kelly by asking Jonah back in Worchester, but now, dinner, wine, flowers—
Evan handed Jonah an envelope. “I hope you haven’t made other plans.” Evan winked.
Since his attention had been on something else entirely, Jonah thought he did a good job with his surprise over the trip to Manhattan. And his delight was completely genuine.
“Oh my God. Finally. Thank you. You know how much—”
“Yes, but something always got in the way. You’re welcome.” Evan leaned across the table and kissed him.
“I can’t wait. How did you manage to get—”
“Luck and some connections from my modeling days. And in case you missed the date, we leave the day after tomorrow.”
Jonah had to get up and come around to hug him. “Thank you.”
Evan stood to meet him. “I told you I’d do anything for you, babe.”
Chapter Nine
Jonah put his head back against the swaying seat on the train and tried not to puke. This whole travel sickness thing might be one of the reasons he’d never made it down to the city, but it wasn’t the only reason he felt like heaving.
He’d contacted 2top4u. And if Jonah found the guts to actually go through with it, he was meeting him tonight.
After dinner, Jonah had been more convinced than ever that he was running out of time. And instead of that conversation making things better between them, so that Jonah knew Evan liked sex like that and Evan knew Jonah liked it like that, there wasn’t any that to be had over the next two days to help Jonah know whether this could be what he wanted.
He’d tried to get frisky in the car after dinner, offered a little road head, but Evan had turned him down—not only then, but at home too with a too-full-of-dinner excuse. The next day, it had been that they had to pack, Evan pointing out, “Trains aren’t like me driving us somewhere, babe. They don’t wait.”
Not only that, but they did a lot of annoying swaying and vibrating. Jonah glanced around out of slitted eyes. How could people actually be reading or working on laptops with everything moving in three different directions?
“Here.” Evan slid back into his seat and handed Jonah a round white pill and a bottle of water. “A lady two cars up had some Dramamine.”
“Thanks.” Jonah waved off the water and worked the pill down with some spit.
Exactly how insane could he be to think of turning down Evan, who scoured a train of strangers trying to find him something to make him feel better? To actually think of going out to test this obsession he couldn’t get out of his head. If this were a TV show, he’d want to shoot his character for simple stupidity.
Thinking that reminded him of the idiotic argument Evan’s sisters and cousin had over that board game: “They were broken up. Whatever fucking happens after a breakup is not cheating, no matter who the fuckee is.”
Then Paul: “I needed to be sure.”
Jonah shut his eyes and tried to sleep.
* * *
Jonah tended to forget that Evan had lived and worked in Manhattan before moving up to Saratoga, and now that Jonah was faced with the reality of the frenetic pace and the fact that everyone but him knew where they were going, Jonah was grateful for Evan’s experience.
Steering them away from the big chain restaurants in Times Square, he took Jonah to a Chinese restaurant and managed to keep him from his standard of Kung Pao chicken or Beef Lo Mein. Jonah ate so many scallion pancakes he as sick as he had on the train. And the view from their hotel was amazing. The windows looked right over the stage in Times Square, the one Jonah had seen on TV every year since he could remember.
Despite a thorough, if cautious, search of Evan’s luggage when he was in the shower, Jonah couldn’t find that jewelry box. And at ten-thirty tonight, it was put up or shut up time, at least according to 2top4u.
Evan switched off the basketball game Jonah hadn’t been watching in favor of staring out at the screens forty floors below them. “I’ve got big stuff planned for you tomorrow, babe. Why don’t we go to bed early?”
It was like a sign. A completely unignorable sign. “Good idea. I’m going to take a shower to relax.” Jonah had already changed his mind about tonight a dozen times. But this was like fate. If Evan was asleep when Jonah came out, he’d know he was meant to go.
Evan must have been beat, because when Jonah stepped out of the bathroom, Evan was in that super sprawl that usually hit him about two in the morning, on his back, one leg bent, one arm up over his head, the other flung out to the side.
Jonah took a deep breath and sat at the desk with the Marriott’s paper and pen.
He’d had this worked out. If Evan said that it didn’t count as cheating when they were broken up, Jonah would leave a note that broke them up. And if he really went through with it, he guessed they’d basically be broken up anyway.
No more Evan. How could he really be thinking about doing this? Was figuring out his kinks such a huge fucking deal that he had to screw up both their lives to do it? Just because his parents had been utter fucking assholes about not fucking other people did Jonah have to follow in their footsteps?
Evan,
I was going to leave you this note in case you woke up while I was gone. But I’m not going anywhere. I can’t. I don’t know what I really want from you, what I can expect, what the future’s going to be like and I am so terrified that I’m going to fuck this up. I’ve almost said something to you a whole bunch of times this past week but chickened out. Mostly because you’re so damned good at hiding what you’re really feeling that I don’t know what’s real. If I told you that I really think I need to feel dominated, that the idea of a guy with leather chaps on tying me up and laying into me until my ass is red and bruised turns me on so much I can’t breathe, would you look at me the same way? I know you
’d do anything for me, but I need it to be for you too. You just going along with it just for me isn’t really what I want. I guess I should ask you, really tell you what’s been going with me, but I’m scared. Do you ever get scared? Because it never looks like you do. It never looks like you feel anything. Except sometimes when you look at me and I do know it’s real.
Jonah flipped the paper over and stopped, realizing that tears were leaking out of his eyes. It wasn’t the note he’d meant to write, but it was obvious that it was the one he was supposed to.
Anyway, the one thing I do know for sure is that there isn’t another guy like you anywhere. And if you’re ready, I’m ready. And I’m going to start by telling you that tomorrow.
I love you,
Jonah
He meant it too. First thing tomorrow he was going to tell Evan he’d found the rings. He folded the note up and put it in his wallet. He really wouldn’t mind if Evan found this one, though it would be better if he could say some of it face-to-face.
He wiped his eyes and stripped before climbing into the king-sized bed. Evan rolled onto his side and Jonah moved across the space between them, wrapped himself around Evan with arms and legs and breathed in the smell of his neck.
“Everything okay, babe?”
Jonah swallowed back another thick wave of tears and buried himself in Evan’s warmth. “It’s perfect.”
* * *
Evan tapped Jonah’s shoulder and he jerked awake. “Hey, if you want to eat breakfast at Juniors again before the place gets mobbed, we’d better get rolling.”
Jonah sat up.
Evan started laughing. “It looks like someone killed a cat on your head.”
Jonah flipped him off. “I went to bed with it wet.”
“That’s what dripped on me?”
That and tears. Jonah wasn’t putting it off another second. “I found the rings.”
“I know.”
Jonah felt like he’d missed the last three steps on the stairs. “What?”
“I know,” Evan repeated.
Jonah swung his legs onto the floor. “How long have you known?”
“Since Christmas Eve.”
“Evan, I want you to know—”
“Wait. Before you say anything there’s something really crucial you need to know.”
Jonah stood to face him.
“Those were Kelly’s. He ordered them, had me pick them up for him.”
Jonah’s knees buckled but fortunately there was a pillow top mattress there to catch him. “Kelly’s rings. For him and Paul.”
“Yes. Babe, seriously, you don’t think I have better taste than that? Those things were tacky.”
Jonah couldn’t believe what he’d been doing, what he’d almost done, and the whole thing had only been him leaping to conclusions, like trying-to-cross-the-Grand-Canyon-in-a-single-bound kind of jumping to conclusions.
Evan sat on the bed next to him. “And I’d never, ever do something like that without talking to you first. Without making sure we were both on the same page.”
“So—what page are we on?”
“Are you ready to talk to me about it?”
Jonah was feeling like a gigantic idiot. Which he was, but it was still really awkward to talk about. Especially when Evan already had his jeans on and Jonah was naked.
He looked down at his feet. “I’ve been figuring out that I have some kinks. I mean, I always knew watching the rough stuff turned me on, but I hadn’t thought about them seriously until now. When I thought—” He swallowed. “I like what—well, at your parents’ house and in the shower. I really wanted that.”
Evan nodded and turned so he was looking at Jonah. “It’s called D/s. Domination and submission.”
“I know that.” This talking thing was a lot less fun than the doing.
“Do you? It’s not just sexual. At least not for me, Jonah. It’s emotional too.”
Jonah managed to get his eyes as high as Evan’s nipples. “That’s the part I’m not so sure I liked. I mean, after. I felt weird. Except the last time. In the shower. Wait.” Jonah stared into Evan’s face. “You mean you’ve done this before, like more than just a little.”
“Yes.”
“Why did you stop? Did you stop liking it?” Because to get so close, then find out—
“No. It’s what I said before. I need the emotional component. I wasn’t happy just having a submissive who was only there to get off.”
“So you’re a Dom? Or Dominant?” God, did Evan have a trunk stashed somewhere with leather and whips and chains inside? Did that stuff need mothballs?
“Dom. Yes.” Evan’s voice, so different from what Jonah was used to, dragged him back to focus on them.
“What do you mean by an emotional part?”
Evan sat on the bed next to him. It was easier talking like this.
“What if that part doesn’t work for me?” Jonah’s chest got tight again.
“First, I’m pretty sure it does, so relax.” Evan rubbed the back of Jonah’s neck. “The people I knew who were into D/s when I lived down here, it was mostly about sex. And that was hot. But I wanted more than that. I wanted an emotional connection to my submissive, not just a power-based, sexual one. I thought I had it once.”
They’d never talked about exes. And Jonah wasn’t sure he wanted to hear about whoever had been doing this stuff with Evan before, but had to listen.
Jonah rested a hand on Evan’s thigh. “And?”
“It was one-sided. You know how I said I’m pretty damned possessive?”
Jonah nodded. The intensity in Evan’s voice made Jonah really glad that he hadn’t left last night. Not because he was afraid, but because of how wounded Evan sounded.
“I felt that anger start to slip into a scene. It scared me. I could have hurt him.” Evan squeezed Jonah’s hands. “So I walked away from it. Decided not to do it again unless I knew it was right.”
Jonah thought again of how quiet, how locked down Evan had been. Was that what he’d been thinking about, not whether Jonah was a freak, but whether Jonah was serious enough to— “So how do you know if it’s right? I mean, if we can do it right.”
“I think what’s been holding things up is that you weren’t telling me what you wanted, so the rules weren’t clear.
“Rules, huh? And I’m just so fond of those.”
“These help. They really do. But the most important thing is communication. Like you have to tell me what’s going on. And when things don’t work.”
“Like a safe word?” Jonah had been given one to use in his instructions from 2top4u: marzipan.
“Yes. You come up with one that works for you and let me know.”
“So you want to do this? With me.”
“Yeah, babe, I really do.” Evan lifted Jonah’s chin and kissed him.
Jonah wanted to respond but there was that whole morning breath issue. Evan’s tongue teased along the seam of Jonah’s lips before he pulled back. “Second thoughts?”
“Just the one about brushing my teeth.”
“Okay. Go brush them.”
Jonah headed into the bathroom but then stuck his head out. “So is that like an order thing? Is that how this works?” Because if Evan thought he was going to start snapping orders out all the time, they needed to sit down and start talking again.
“No. That wasn’t your Dom. That was your boyfriend. Who still has plans for today. So if you could do something about your hair while you’re in there, we can maybe get some breakfast.”
* * *
The subway ride down to the Village didn’t seem to make Jonah as sick as the train had, but he was pale enough that Evan was glad they waited until they were down on West 4th before they got something to eat. The leather shop
on Christopher Street hadn’t changed at all since Evan’s last trip there six years ago, still the same tricked out guy sitting on a stool out front, puffing away on a cigarette.
Evan breathed in the familiar scents and watched Jonah’s gaze try to go everywhere at once: slings, spreader bars, paddles, crops, canes, chaps and vests. The first thing he reached for was a knotted flogger, then one of rubber.
“We might want to start out with something a little less thuddy.” Evan stood behind him and reached for something with smooth suede tails.
Jonah jumped and turned around.
“Thuddy?”
Evan glanced over at the guy behind the counter and raised his eyebrows in question. The guy nodded.
Evan took down the rubber and the suede flogger and stood back. “Hold out your hand.”
Jonah swallowed and blinked but lifted an open palm toward Evan. Evan spun the suede one first, getting a feel for the length and the weight. It was nice, black and purple. It came alive in his hand, feeling almost like an extension of his arm. Jonah’s eyes widened behind his glasses but he didn’t pull his hand away.
Evan threw the ends lightly against Jonah’s palm. It would barely be enough to sting on his back or ass, but on his hand, Jonah would be able to feel it.
Jonah flinched as the ends flicked his skin, but he didn’t pull away. The familiar heat at his waiting acquiescence flashed under Evan’s skin, but this time it was different. This time it was Jonah and the energy buzzed under Evan’s skin the way it had with their first kiss.
“Rub it out,” Evan suggested.
Jonah rubbed his palm against his jacket.
“Do you want to feel the difference?”
Jonah nodded, eyes still wide.
“Hold out your other hand.”
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