The rubber was going to hurt. That was what it had been designed for. It was well-made, and Evan saw Jonah’s eyes drawn to the dildo-shaped metal handle.
Evan kept the stroke light, but Jonah really jumped when it hit, shaking his hand and rubbing it against his jacket and jeans.
“Jesus. Okay. Thuddy. I get it.”
“That’s a sting and a thud,” Evan explained. He put the floggers back, eyeing the price tag on the suede one. Standing right behind Jonah’s ear he murmured, “And you’re supposed to stay in position until I tell you to move.”
Evan felt the tremor that ran through Jonah’s body echo in his own.
“So how do I know if we’re p-playing?” His voice broke on the last word.
Evan stepped over to the cuffs and the collars. Jesus, he could put one on Jonah now; hell, Evan should. Mark Jonah as his, Evan’s. In a way more personal than any wedding ring.
Jonah was still shaking his left hand, but his right moved to more decorative thin cuffs. The set he was handling was a warm brown, two strips for each cuff, with metal hardware holding both the strips together and connecting them lengthwise. Evan wasn’t sure if the thinner straps would cut into Jonah’s skin if they were used for restraint, but they were nice and soft.
Evan followed Jonah around the store, noticing with a smile as he ticked off everything on his wish list. Blindfolds, spreader bars for restraint, suspension chains, even the paddles, wooden and leather.
“See something you like?” Evan asked.
Jonah reached for a leather slapper.
“Test it on your thigh,” Evan suggested.
Jonah smacked it down gingerly, then with more force. “Maybe,” he said, but from the way he readjusted his jeans, Evan thought Jonah was more than maybe interested.
He stopped in front of a St. Andrew’s Cross, the cross bars padded with studded leather. Jonah licked his lips.
“Ready for that?” Evan murmured to him.
“Huh? No. God, no.” Jonah flexed his left hand, fingers rubbing the palm.
“Let me see.” Evan locked his hand around Jonah’s wrist and turned the palm up.
A little red, but not welted. Evan dropped a kiss on it in the center, then closed Jonah’s fingers around it again. Thank God Jonah hadn’t flung himself into this with some idiot who wouldn’t take care of him, who probably would have left him scarred and scared. Eager and curious was a dangerous combination even without Jonah’s impulsiveness. Evan’s heart rate kicked up in a sudden blast of rage toward the arrogant bastard who’d left the picture and invitation on Jonah’s M2M profile.
Evan slid his arm around Jonah’s waist and murmured in his ear. “We’ll start slow—or we don’t have to use any of this stuff, you know.”
“I know.” Jonah flashed his grin. “But some of it is really turning me on. That first flogger thing, and the cuffs. I’m just glad I didn’t—”
Evan let his arm drop away. “Didn’t what?”
Jonah bit one side of his lower lip. “Try this with anyone else.”
“Anyone else?” Evan’s grip on his temper was suddenly slippery at the thought of someone else, anyone else. This was exactly why he’d walked away before. The stuff in this store might be for play but it could do some serious damage. He pictured Jonah’s skin welted, bleeding from someone who didn’t care, couldn’t keep control. “Some asshole like 2top4u, maybe?”
“What the fuck?” Jonah shoved away from Evan. “Have you been spying on me?”
“Was there something to see?”
Jonah turned and stalked out of the shop, Evan right on his heels. On the sidewalk he grabbed Jonah’s arm. “Was there?”
“I can’t believe you. You go snooping around in my stuff and then get pissed—”
“I didn’t touch your stuff. For someone with an IT degree, you can be a serious moron. Your profile updates still show up in my email.”
Jonah yanked his arm free. “So why didn’t you say something?”
“I wanted you to tell me. God, I asked you to tell me so many times.”
“I didn’t do anything. I just—I was curious, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.”
Jonah’s eyes were so full of fear and hurt that Evan just wanted to pull him in to a hug and tell him to forget about it.
Evan might have learned how to control his temper better, but no way was he going to put up with the kind of shit Paul had put Kelly through those first two years—and this past month. “What didn’t you do?”
“Nothing.”
“And last night, what was that, making another list of all the things I’ll never get to do if I marry Evan?”
“You were faking last night? You read that list? What are you, the fucking CIA?”
“It fell out of your jeans. The ones that are more holes than jeans. I didn’t know what it was, and by then it was a little late.”
“And you didn’t say anything then either?”
Evan clenched his fists at his sides and took a step closer. “What the hell do you think all that was at my parents’ house? I was trying to show you that you could tell me.”
“You know how you could have done that? Said something to me.”
“You can’t honestly stand there and claim that you’ve been full of open communication. I asked you over and over what you wanted.”
Jonah flung his hands up in the air and barely missed the trailing tassels of the hat on a briskly moving dog walker. “And I thought I’d figured it out. You. This.” He pointed back to the store.
“But now you don’t know,” Evan said quietly.
“I didn’t say that.” Jonah looked away. “When I thought about the rings—I wanted to be sure.”
“Rings or no, you goddamned better be. I told you. This,” he mimicked Jonah’s point, “D/s, it isn’t just sex for me. And if you’d never brought it up, I would have been fine with it and you. But it’s a part of me, Jonah. I don’t think I can turn it off again. And I told you, I don’t share.”
“So what does that mean?”
“It means—” Evan blew out a long breath. “I can’t keep waiting for you to grow up. I like taking care of you, but you’ve got to accept some responsibility. Make a decision. Decide if you want to be in this relationship or not.”
“I thought I already was.”
“That’s why you kept your profile on M2M? Why you were so terrified at the idea of marrying me that you had a panic attack?”
“I didn’t—”
Evan couldn’t seem to shut it down, and he knew the second the words left his mouth he was going to regret it.
“In twelve hours, you turn twenty-nine. I would think you should know by then.”
“So this is an ultimatum?”
“Call it whatever you want. But before you get another minute older than twenty-nine, I want an answer. No maybe or I’m thinking about it. Yes or no, Jonah.”
“I can’t believe this. You’re the one keeping all the secrets and I’m the bad guy? You want to know what I was doing last night?” Jonah pulled out his wallet and took out a folded piece of paper. “Here.” He shoved it into Evan’s hand and started to walk away.
“Jonah, you don’t even know where you are.”
“Thought it was time I grew up.” Jonah started jogging and disappeared around the corner of Bleecker Street.
Evan dragged his fingers through his hair. This was why he didn’t get angry. It didn’t fix anything. And could definitely make things a whole lot worse. He unfolded the paper Jonah had given him.
Chapter Ten
By the time Jonah had walked, found a subway, studied the map for ten minutes, ended up in Queens, then made it back to Manhattan somewhere near Central Park, he had cooled off. He walked the fourteen blocks back down to Times Squar
e, thank you, numbered streets. With the calming down had come the ability to think rational thoughts.
Evan hadn’t been totally wrong, and Jonah knew Evan wouldn’t have pried into his business on purpose. Only that first post from 2top4u had been publicly on Jonah’s profile. The rest had been private messages. And Jonah hadn’t done anything, hadn’t exactly returned the online flirting, though his stomach still squirmed when he thought about the fact that for a second he’d really believed he was going to go meet some complete stranger because he was afraid.
Now the only thing to be afraid of was wondering if it was too late. It was already getting dark by the time he crossed 49th Street and with every second there were more and more crowds of people, seemingly puked up by the sidewalk. He knew he still had to move from 5th Avenue over to 7th so he joined a herd moving in that direction. He didn’t need street signs to know when he’d arrived. The solid mass of people wedged behind police barricades, the pounding music and the street vendors hawking everything from party hats and streamers to, if Jonah was hearing correctly, a thousand dollar bottle of champagne.
It wasn’t particularly cold, like it had been on some of those nights when he’d watched the people shivering on TV. Jonah let the crowd flow push him toward the far edge, away from where the stages and barricades were. He was finally here. The biggest party in the world for his birthday.
Except.
How was he supposed to find Evan? It really wouldn’t be much of a party if he didn’t have someone to kiss when the ball dropped. He could see it live now, for the first time, somehow both bigger and smaller than it looked on TV. That was how he wished he was looking at it now. On TV, curled up on the couch with Evan.
Panic bubbled up in his stomach. What if he couldn’t find Evan now, or after midnight? Would Evan take that as a no? He would. When Evan said something, he meant it. And after Jonah’s tour around the party, it was already nine-thirty and it looked as if half the people in the country were between him and the entrance to the hotel. He started swimming his way across the square, smiling, shrinking, stretching and trying not to piss off anyone enough that they would feel the need to shoot him.
But there was no direct way across to the hotel. The barricades ran down for another forty feet, which meant slithering back to the edge and trying again farther down. This last trip had taken him half an hour.
Jonah fought his way back out, and either people were happier to let someone out or he was less worried about pissing people off, because he made it to the fringe much faster. But he still couldn’t see a clear path to the hotel.
What if Evan was packed and ready to go at midnight? Walked out of the hotel room and out of Jonah’s life at 12:01 a.m.? That was a little dramatic, because all of Jonah’s stuff was still at Evan’s house, but Jonah wouldn’t be surprised if he suffered through that train ride back up to Saratoga to find all of his stuff in boxes on the lawn. He’d never seen Evan angry before. Now he had.
Fuck it. He would lap around the blocks and to the hotel’s side entrance. He took off at as fast a jog as the crowds would permit.
It felt like hours before he made it, only to find the lobby packed and a line for the elevators that never seemed to move. He finally squeezed into one going up to the forty-third floor. God, what if Evan wasn’t in the room? Maybe Evan had told him where they were supposed to meet and Jonah had been too pissed off to pay attention.
His hands were shaking and he had to swipe the key card three times before he could get into the room. His heart stopped. He’d always thought that was an expression, but his heart actually stopped when he couldn’t see Evan anywhere.
Then he moved and Jonah saw him at the window.
He had no idea how he made it across the room, but he was hugging Evan and his face was tucked into Evan’s neck and he could really breathe again for the first time in what felt like forever.
“Missing your big party,” Evan said against Jonah’s cheek. “You ready to go down and celebrate?”
“No.”
Evan drew back. “No?”
“Not no, like no to your question. That’s a big yes. Yes. I want to be with you. But I kind of like it up here.”
“A private party?”
“Yes.” Jonah’s heart slowed to normal until Evan held up a big shopping bag with the name of the leather store on the side.
“I read your note.” Evan put the bag on the desk. “So I thought it would be okay if I made a few purchases.”
Jonah liked the way his heart was racing much better now, especially the speed at which it was sending blood to his cock. “Oh?”
Evan reached into the bag, then stopped and turned back. “First, the rules.”
“Oh, yay.”
“They’re to protect you for the most part, but they’re for both of us so no one gets hurt.”
“I thought that was the point of some of it.” Jonah winked.
“I need you to take this seriously, Jonah.”
Jonah had thought that would be impossible. That he wouldn’t be able to see his boyfriend as one of those leather daddies in the videos that he loved. He still couldn’t. Because none of those guys could ever know Jonah the way Evan did. Know Jonah, still love him and be able to make his toes curl and his dick leak from the strength of command in a few simple words.
“I’m not twenty-nine for...” he looked at his watch, “...fifty-eight minutes.”
Evan strode to stand in front of him. “Do you want to do this or not?”
“Yes. Yes, I’m sorry—um—sir?”
“Sir is good. That’s called bratting, Jonah. And it doesn’t work on me.”
Jonah’s toes curled in his sneakers. He supposed trying to shift his shrinking jeans to give his dick more room wasn’t allowed either.
“First, you need a safe word.” Evan stepped back toward the desk. “Something easy to remember and something you would never ordinarily say during sex or under stress.”
Jonah wanted to get as far away from marzipan as he could go. “Broccoli.” He grinned. “You know how much I hate it.”
“Broccoli it is.” Evan took two black leather cuffs lined with fake sheepskin from the bag. “Here’s another important thing. We’re not doing this 24/7.”
Jonah started to speak.
“Yes, I know I’m always a control freak. But you don’t have to listen to me all the time. If you want to play, bring me the cuffs. If I want to play, I’ll put them on you. And if I offer them to you, you have the choice of putting them on. Understand?”
Jonah nodded.
“I expect you to answer me,” Evan said. It was the same voice he’d had since they met, but now there was something new about it, and Evan’s words tugged at something deep inside that made Jonah want to obey. Who knew rules could be so damned sexy?
“Yes, sir.”
Jonah reached out for the cuffs.
“Good. Take off all of your clothes, then kneel.”
Jonah stripped and lowered himself down, swallowing back disappointment. It wasn’t that he didn’t like sucking Evan’s dick, but when there was more stuff in that bag Jonah was dying to learn about, couldn’t this part wait?
“When we start, that will be what you do. Kneel.”
Jonah started to nod, then remembered. “Yes, sir.”
“Give me your hand.”
Jonah held up his left, the memory of heat and pain still tingling on his palm, though it was no longer red.
Evan buckled the cuffs on Jonah’s wrists and showed him how he wanted him to be kneeling, butt touching his heels, hands on his thighs. “For now, I’m just going to clip your wrists together.” He produced a metal clasp that fastened at both ends and attached it to the rings on the cuffs.
Jonah stared down. Three inches of metal separated his wrists. With them bound
in front of him, it wasn’t uncomfortable at all.
Evan used his fingers to tip Jonah’s chin up. “Don’t hold your breath.”
Jonah hadn’t realized he was doing that until he let it out in a long noisy sigh.
“Good.” Evan studied Jonah’s face for a minute, then said with a slight smile, “I can tell I’m not going to get your full attention until you find out what else is in that bag. I think this is what you’re wondering about.” Evan pulled out that purple-and-black flogger and the leather paddle Jonah had played with. “Move your knees apart.” Evan prodded him with a toe.
“Yes, sir.” But Jonah’s eyes kept tracking the movement of the strands that Evan was combing out with his fingers. Was he going to use that on Jonah’s dick?
“Breathe,” Evan reminded him.
“Yes, sir.”
“Pay attention. You don’t have to prove any sort of pain tolerance to me. You can tell me what you feel. And I don’t need this...” he trailed the soft strings across Jonah’s thighs, “...to enjoy being your Dom. Understand?”
Jonah couldn’t stop thinking about what it was going to feel like to have all those separate pieces of leather snapping against his skin.
Evan grabbed Jonah’s chin and forced him to meet Evan’s gaze. “Answer me.”
“Yes, sir.”
Evan let the tails flick back and forth between Jonah’s thighs—no sting, just the sensation of touch, like a man running his nails there.
“Spread your legs farther and put your hands over your dick and balls.”
Jonah moved until his thighs ached with the strain. The swish of leather was faster now, more like a prickle, but never once did a strand catch his knuckles or fingers.
Evan raised the flogger and snapped it down on the skin of Jonah’s inner thighs, too hard and too fast to count before he stopped.
Jonah let out his breath again. There were dozens of little spots that stung and tingled, and one or two that burned a little.
“How does it feel?”
“Good.” Jonah had to think for a second. “Sir.”
“Keep breathing this time.”
Evan swirled the flogger and it moved in a blur over the tops and insides of Jonah’s thighs; sometimes a strand left a long thin burn, but mostly the ends struck like drops of burning oil that kept stinging long after the leather had moved away. Jonah remembered to breathe, deep long breaths, and his head started to feel light, his chest opening like his arms were flung back.
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