Lynn Osterkamp - Cleo Sims 03 - Too Many Secrets

by Lynn Osterkamp

  I thought about whether I should tell Gayle what Maria had told me about Sabrina and Erik. But as Pablo said, I don’t really know anything. Brandi could be lying or could be wrong. Sabrina might have died in the mountains. Maybe Gayle is right about trying to reach her. If she did, we’d at least have something to go on.

  But is contacting a spirit proof that the person is dead? I had no idea. Could a living person project their spirit into the apparition chamber? I’d never thought of that, never tried to contact a living person there.

  “I called all the Moxie members before I called you,” Gayle said. “They agree that the situation is desperate and that I should go ahead and try to contact Sabrina as long as I report back to the whole group right away. If we can have the session tomorrow, Moxie can meet tomorrow night for my report.”

  I had some time free Monday afternoon, so I agreed. But I had a sinking feeling. Tyler had said I’m not even wet, but I was starting to feel the water closing over my head.

  Chapter 15

  Gayle showed up right on time Monday afternoon with the pictures I had requested of her and Sabrina over the years—some including other Moxie members, others of her and her daughter Nicole with Sabrina and Sabrina’s son Ian. I asked her to reminisce about good times she and Sabrina had shared.

  First she pulled out a photo of two grinning kids in grubby jeans and sweatshirts standing in front of a bright orange two-person tent. “Here’s a picture from a camping trip when Ian and Nicole were about ten. They wanted their own tent, no moms in it, so we agreed. They were so proud that they put it up themselves. But in the middle of the night a raccoon pawed at their tent and woke them up. They were sure it was a bear, started screaming. Scared us to death. After we got them back to sleep, Sabrina and I sat up and talked about how precious our kids are, how we’d do anything to keep them safe. Sabrina never forgot that conversation, brought it up after her dad died when she asked me to be Ian’s guardian if anything happened to her. I’m sick at the thought of letting her down, letting Brandi win.”

  Another griever feeling regrets at having failed Sabrina in some way.

  The next picture she selected was of a younger-looking Moxie group at a restaurant table, arms around each others’ shoulders, glasses lifted. Gayle smiled, looking inward at a fond memory. “That was five years ago,” she said. “We went out to celebrate the second anniversary of starting Moxie. We were all so happy together then. We supported each other like a family—like the families we wished we’d had. We appreciated ourselves and each other in a way our shitty exes and some of our critical parents never did.”

  Her face fell. “Sabrina so wanted to get Moxie back to that level of support after the tension we’ve had in recent years. At the circle ceremony the night before she disappeared, she challenged us to remember our original dreams for the group, the support we’ve given each other in the past. She pleaded with us to return to that Moxie spirit. But now, without Sabrina, I don’t know if that will ever happen.”

  I didn’t follow up on that comment, because I wanted to keep Gayle relaxed and focused on positive memories of Sabrina. I’ve found that thinking happy thoughts about the loved one helps people make contact with the spirit.

  We continued going through the pictures for a few more minutes until Gayle’s phone rang. She grabbed it out of her purse and checked the ID. “Never mind, I’ll let it go to voicemail,” she said.

  “You can’t take your phone into the apparition chamber,” I said. “So you may as well turn it off.” She nodded, clicked it off and put it back in her purse.

  “Are we ready now?” she asked.

  I got Gayle set up in my apparition chamber. It’s a small windowless room with an easy chair inclined backward facing a four-foot square mirror on the wall across from it. The mirror and the chair are surrounded by a black velvet curtain, which creates a small booth, so the sitter can gaze into the mirror and see only a pool of darkness. The only illumination comes from a fifteen-watt bulb in a small stained-glass lamp behind the chair.

  If the process works, the person in the chair sees an apparition appear when gazing into the mirror’s dark shiny surface. Sometimes the spirit comes out into the room, sometimes it stays in the mirror. Usually the spirit speaks, so they are able to have a conversation—although not always the conversation the person is hoping to have.

  I gave Gayle the instructions I always give a person in the apparition chamber. “Take some deep breaths and relax,” I said. “Try to clear your mind of everything except Sabrina as you look into the mirror. Don’t try to rush it or make something happen. Just be here. You can stay as long as you want. I’ll be across the hall in my office if you have any problems. When you’re done, just come out and we’ll talk.”

  An hour went by. The door chamber opened, but Gayle didn’t come out. I heard loud sobbing coming from the room. When I went in, I found Gayle collapsed on the floor weeping. I held her until her sobs subsided, gave her tissues to wipe her face, helped her up and led her into the counseling room. I got her situated on the couch with a big glass of water, then sat in a chair across from her.

  “Can you tell me what happened?”

  “Oof. It was horrible.”

  My worst fears realized. Sabrina must have appeared to her in the apparition chamber, which hit Gayle with the undeniable fact of her death. I knew that however much Gayle wanted to contact Sabrina, she even more wanted Sabrina to somehow be still alive. Contacting Sabrina’s spirit would kill her last hope.

  “Can you tell me about it? Did Sabrina tell you what happened?”

  Gayle jerked her head up, eyes wide. “No, no. It wasn’t Sabrina. Sabrina didn’t come. It was my mother. My crazy hateful mother back to demolish me one more time. Why did her spirit have to show up? It’s bad enough that I have to fight not to hear her voice in my head. Now she’s going to haunt me?” Gayle wailed. “Why didn’t you tell me she could show up?”

  Of course I had told Gayle that people sometimes contact spirits other than the ones they’re trying to reach. But with her focus so much on Sabrina, she had probably brushed that aside.

  Gayle pulled back and sat, face in hands, for a few minutes. Then she drew herself up, blew her nose, and faced me squarely.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked. “If you don’t, I respect your privacy. It’s your choice.”

  “I would like to talk about it,” she said. “But it has to be completely confidential. I don’t want my brother Bruce to know any of this.”

  “No worries. Anything you say here is confidential.”

  “My mother could be a real bitch. Hyper-critical. At least of me. She adored Bruce. Thought he was the golden child. He never understood why I had such a hard time getting along with her. I tried to tell him, but he couldn’t see it. Said I took her too seriously. Ha!”

  “Can you tell me about what happened in the apparition chamber today?”

  “When I went in there, I was a little scared. I wanted to see Sabrina, but I also didn’t want to—because if I saw her that would mean she was dead.” Gayle stopped and sagged sideways, her breathing rapid and shallow. “I was sitting in the chair thinking about how much I miss her, when suddenly I heard, ‘Gayle! It’s your mother! Listen to me!’ There she was in the mirror, glaring at me, just like she always did when she was upset about something I’d done.”

  Tears streamed down Gayle’s face. “She said I’m a terrible mother. Reminded me she told me I should stay with Frank, that I shouldn’t be a single mother. She said Nicole’s problems are my fault. Maybe she’s right. But it sure doesn’t help for her to tell me that.”

  “Were you able to tell her how you feel about what she said?”

  “No. She just dumped all that on me and then faded away.”

  “What would you like to say to her if she were here now?”

  Gayle thought for a minute, a few more tears rolling down her cheeks. “I’d say, ‘Mom, I thought my life would be different. I never plann
ed to be a single mom. I know you see that as a failure. You never believed me about what Frank was like as a husband. I know you liked him. Most women did, unfortunately. He was charming. But he was a liar and a cheat.’”

  Gayle was moving from misery to indignation. Her voice took on an angry tone as she continued. “Then I’d tell her that at least some of Nicole’s problems are Frank’s fault. In the ten years we’ve been divorced, he’s never contributed to Nicole’s support, hardly ever sees her. He sets her up. Calls and says he’s going to take her on a trip, she gets all excited, then he cancels at the last minute. She’s desperate for his love and approval, but he withholds it. No wonder she acts out.”

  “That’s tough for her,” I said. “When he does that she probably feels like it’s her fault—even though it isn’t. What sort of problems is Nicole having?”

  “Nicole has been depressed this past year. Writes a lot of dark poetry Has piercings and tattoos and spiky hair dyed part blond part black. I let her do the piercings and stuff to express who she is as an individual. But maybe it’s gone too far. I want her to talk to a therapist, but she refuses to go. I don’t know what solution my mother thinks she has, but from my experience with Mom, I don’t think it would be helpful.”

  “Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? Anyone who can help you think it through?” I asked.

  “No. Sabrina was the only person I could talk to. Now I grab my phone to call her and then I remember what happened.” Gayle stifled a sob. “I know I need to work though my issues with Nicole. I guess I need a therapist. Could that be you?”

  “I really only do grief therapy,” I said. “We can certainly work on your feelings about Sabrina. But your relationship with your daughter is outside my area of expertise. I can recommend someone, though.”

  She nodded. Sighed. “Okay, but first let’s talk about Sabrina. I tried really hard to reach her in there. I thought about her, sent her love, asked her to come. But she didn’t show up. Maybe that means she’s alive. I don’t want to go in there again. There’s no way I want to risk seeing my mother one more time. And I don’t want to try to reach Sabrina’s spirit anymore. I think I need to think more positively, to have my intention be that she’s still alive.”

  “It’s certainly your choice,” I said. “But just because Sabrina didn’t appear in the apparition chamber doesn’t mean she’s still alive. Often I’ve seen people try to reach someone where it takes several tries before they do. And sometimes they reach someone else first.”

  Gayle stared off into space for a minute or two before she responded. “I hear you,” she said slowly. “And deep down I don’t believe Sabrina’s alive. I can’t imagine that we wouldn’t have heard from her by now. She’s not the sort of person who would run off and leave everyone she loves without a word. I know that, but I so desperately want her to be alive that hope creeps in and creates weird possibilities in my mind.”

  I thought about the weird possibility involving Erik, but unfortunately I couldn’t tell her about that.

  Chapter 16

  “Why didn’t Sabrina come to me in Cleo’s apparition chamber?” Gayle demanded. She paced rapidly around Paige’s spacious living room, eyes darting from one to another of us as if we could unlock some secret code for her. “Was it my fault?” she asked. “Didn’t I send her a clear enough message? Or did she just not want to talk to me?” The Moxie members and I were gathered around Paige’s fireplace on that cold December evening to talk about the results of Gayle’s contact session.

  Diana jumped up from her spot on the couch, grabbed Gayle’s shoulders and stopped her. Gayle struggled to keep moving, but Diana stood firm, her muscular arms holding Gayle in place. “Sit down, sweetie. Stop blaming yourself,” Diana said calmly as she rubbed Gayle’s back. “What you’re saying is ridiculous on so many levels. We don’t even know whether Sabrina is dead or alive, or what factors into whether a spirit shows up, or…Oh, come on, honey. Calm yourself and sit down.” She gave Gayle a hug and dragged her toward the couch.

  I thought about reinforcing Diana’s message that it wasn’t Gayle’s fault that Sabrina didn’t appear, but I decided to wait and see how the group dealt with the issue. I looked around at them. Diana had pulled Gayle down next to her on the bright red couch facing the fireplace. I was on Gayle’s left in a comfy tan armchair and Paige was sitting in a rocking chair to sit on my left next to the fireplace. Lark and Hana were across from us in matching brown armchairs—Hana on Diana’s right and Lark to Hana’s right next to the fireplace. As I glanced at them, I tried to deduce their agendas for the meeting.

  Lark’s eyes were closed. I remembered her telling me she didn’t see Moxie in her future, that she was done with the group. She certainly looked detached. Maybe she was wondering why she had come tonight, maybe wishing she hadn’t. Or maybe she was just worn out from one of her twelve-hour hospital shifts.

  Hana wore her usual inscrutable expression, but I knew her blank look didn’t reflect indifference. A few days ago when she had told me that Sabrina was the soul of Moxie, she had spoken strongly about Sabrina’s dissatisfaction with what Moxie had been doing to right what some members saw as the wrongs women suffer at the hands of men. Would Hana push the group to explore this as a possible explanation for Sabrina’s disappearance?

  Diana focused steadily on Gayle, who was taking slow deep breaths. I knew Diana believed Sabrina was still alive. And she seemed to believe Sabrina had gone somewhere willingly. A few days ago—before I knew that Brandi believed that Sabrina had gone off with Erik—Diana had suggested that explanation. Would she bring up that possibility tonight?

  Next to me I could sense Paige shifting in her seat, getting ready to step in, to take on her Rivka Ravenstar facilitator role. And she did.

  “Maybe we’re all at fault here,” she said, her voice silvery rich. She leaned forward to the group. “I wonder whether Sabrina would want to come back to us right now,” she said softly. “Remember at the circle ceremony the night before she disappeared, Sabrina begged us to return to the Moxie spirit? Have we done that or even tried? I’m not feeling it.”

  Diana turned her gaze on Paige. “What do you want from us, Paige?” she asked sharply. “We’re doing the best we can. None of this is our fault. Trying to guilt us into finding some fake unity isn’t going to get you anywhere.”

  Whew! I remembered that Diana is a boxer. Clearly her skills extend to verbal as well as physical punches. I could feel Paige deflate and curl inward as she leaned back in her chair. But I figured she’d regroup quickly. These strong women continually circle each other for dominance, with no one member staying in charge for long.

  Diana returned her focus to Gayle, leaning in to her and looking directly in her eyes. “What if Sabrina is still alive and that’s the reason she didn’t appear to you?” she asked. “You know how Sabrina takes care of people. She’ll do anything to help someone who asks her. She keeps setting herself up for unhealthy relationships with narcissistic men.”

  Gayle drew back. “We’ve all had those relationships, so …”

  Diana held up a hand and cut her off. “Okay, we’ve all had lousy exes. But we learned from those experiences. Sabrina didn’t. She’ll always fall for a sad story. Maybe some guy from her past—like that Erik from last summer—said he needed her, begged her to go off with him without telling anyone. She might have done that.”

  I noticed that Lark had opened her eyes and was watching the interaction between Gayle and Diana intently. Before Gayle could say anything else, Lark leaned forward and broke in. “Maybe she went off, but she didn’t go with a man,” she suggested. “You know Sabrina had some huge issues about Moxie. Things she wanted us to work out. Things I’m not sure we can work out. Sabrina didn’t want to give up on us, but she was tired of trying to change Moxie. I think she told us what she wanted us to do—to return to the original Moxie spirit—and then she went off to see if we could do it on our own.” Lark folded her arms, sat back and waite
d for a reaction.

  Gayle jumped up and began pacing again. Her face was tight. “No. You’re all wrong! Sabrina would never go off without telling anyone. She knows we’d all be worried sick about her. And she’d never leave Ian to worry this way. You know I want her to be alive as much or more than any of you. But it’s false hope. You’re looking for some possibility to cling to so you don’t have to face the fact that Sabrina is dead. But we have to face it. And we have to contact her so we can find out what happened.”

  Paige stood up, walked over to Gayle and gave her a big hug. “I agree with you Gayle,” she said. “I hate to believe that Sabrina fell and got hurt somewhere, that she’s lying up there frozen in a snow bank, but I think it is probably what happened. We all know the mountains can be dangerous even when you’re careful. I feel responsible because I organized the journeys, so I would especially like to believe Sabrina is still alive. But I think if she were alive, we would have heard from her by now.”

  After Gayle and Paige returned to their seats, Hana spoke up. “I agree with all of you in different ways,” she said. All eyes turned toward her. “I agree with Diana that Sabrina has a tendency to attract people who need her. Her destiny number is six, so yes she’s a caretaker type who is loyal, kind and helpful in relationships. If a man like Erik convinced her that he desperately needed her, she might go off with him. And I also agree with Lark that Sabrina cares so much about Moxie that she might do something extreme to force us to solve our problems. But I also think Gayle and Paige make a good point that Sabrina wouldn’t go off without telling anyone. Sixes are loyal and responsible and trustworthy with their family and friends. If she went against that by disappearing, she’d be overwhelmed with guilt. We would have heard from her by now.”