Lynn Osterkamp - Cleo Sims 03 - Too Many Secrets

by Lynn Osterkamp

  “I have to do this one last thing for Sabrina,” she wailed. “I have to.”

  Gayle had followed us and was watching quietly from the doorway. Tears ran down her face. “You’re sure, Paige?” she asked. “You’re sure she’s dead? You’re sure you talked to Sabrina’s spirit?”

  Paige pulled herself back from my shoulder. She looked like she had come out of her fog. She spoke softly. “Yes, Gayle. I know it was her.”

  My heart ached for them. Although they had both said earlier that they thought Sabrina was dead, they had still kept a glimmer of hope alive for her survival. Now that glimmer was gone. They needed time to grieve, but it was also important for Paige to tell us about her experience while it was still fresh in her mind. “Let’s go back in the other room and talk about what happened,” I said. “Then Gayle and I can help you find the best way to honor Sabrina’s request.”

  Paige let me lead her back to the counseling room and we all sat down. Paige looked down at her lap, running her hands through her hair, alternately pulling it back and letting it fall forward again into her face. Gayle and I sat across from her watching quietly.

  “Spirits can be confusing,” I said. “When they suggest something, they may not mean it as literally as you think. Can you tell us exactly what happened and what Sabrina said?”

  Paige squared her shoulders and sat up. She looked intently at us. “Okay. Here’s how it went,” she said slowly. “I was nervous when I first got in there. I wanted to see Sabrina and yet I didn’t want to see her. But I knew I had to try to reach her, so I focused on my breathing and got centered. I let my eyes go into a soft focus, looking at the mirror and waited.”

  She sighed deeply and wiped her eyes before she continued. “After a bit I saw colors all over the mirror and then I began to see scenes of past Moxie gatherings. They felt real to me, as if I had gone back in time. I could feel the powerful love and support that we had in Moxie for so long. I was happy.” She leaned back and smiled to herself as if the scenes were replaying inside her head.

  “Was it like a dream seeing those scenes?” Gayle asked.

  “A little like a dream, but more real,” Paige said. “It’s hard to describe.” She thought for a minute. “No, it was more like a movie. I knew I was awake and I was aware of myself sitting in the chair watching the scenes. Then the scenes faded into the background and I saw Sabrina in the mirror. That wasn’t like a dream at all. It was real. She was right there in front of me. I was looking right into her face. I was sad because I knew she must be dead. But she didn’t look sad. She was smiling, kind of glowing. She told me not to worry about her, that she’s fine. I could feel love from her.” Paige’s face softened and she paused, gazing off into space.

  I waited silently. I wanted to let Paige tell us about her contact experience in her own way, as I always do when someone comes out of the apparition chamber. To facilitate that, I listen attentively, nod encouragingly, but interrupt rarely.

  Gayle, on the other hand, followed a different script. She fidgeted, tapped her foot, clasped and unclasped her hands. Then she broke the silence. “Did you ask Sabrina what happened to her? Did she tell you how she died?” she asked.

  Paige hesitated as if deep in thought. Then she turned her attention back to us. “Yes,” she said, “I asked Sabrina questions. And she talked to me, but it was inside my head. It was like I thought of a question and she answered it before I could ask her. I didn’t exactly hear her speak, but I knew what she was saying. I asked her how she died. She said it was an accident, a mistake. I asked her to tell me about it, but all she said was, ‘Moxie has the answers.’”

  “Gayle shook her head vigorously. “Oof! What kind of answer is that?” she asked. “What kind of accident? Why didn’t the searchers find her body?” Her tone sharpened. “How can Moxie have the answers?”

  Paige leaned forward toward Gayle. “I know it’s frustrating, Gayle,” she said. Her eyes tightened and her voice rose a bit. “But I can only tell you what she said.”

  Paige took a couple of deep breaths and then went on with her description. “I asked her how we could find the answers, but all she said was ‘Moxie.’ So I told her I found her thirty-day plan and asked her if the answers are in it. She said, ‘It’s about Moxie. You all have to finish it. Go have another circle ceremony. Return to the Moxie spirit. Fix it.’ Then she faded away and I couldn’t talk to her anymore.” Paige closed her eyes and leaned back.

  “It’s crazy to try to have a circle ceremony at Indian Peaks in this weather,” Gayle said. “Anyway, did she say we should go up there? You said she said we should go have another circle ceremony. Why would it have to be there?”

  Paige opened her eyes with a start. “Sabrina wants us to go there. I know she does.”

  “But did she actually say that?”

  “It’s what she meant,” Paige said, turning to me. “Cleo, do spirits say everything they mean or do they just pass on the feeling and trust you to understand?” she asked.

  “That I can’t answer,” I said. “I have no way of knowing what spirits want us to understand. I do know that people have different experiences with spirits. Some have clear specific conversations. Others say the spirits talk very little or not at all, but they have a strong sense of why the spirit is there. Some people say the spirits ask them to do something. Others just get a feeling of peace and support.”

  “Exactly,” Paige said. She may not have said the words ‘Indian Peaks,’ but I know she wants us to go there.”

  Gayle got up, went over and sat next to Paige on the couch, putting her arm around Paige’s shoulders. She spoke softly. “Paige, isn’t it possible that what she wants is just for you to bring Moxie together in another circle ceremony? You’re Rivka Ravenstar, so you’re the one to set it up. But couldn’t we have it inside, since it’s the dead of winter and freezing up at Indian Peaks?”

  Paige tilted her head to the side and pulled on her ear, as she took time to reflect. “You’re right, Gayle,” she said, finally. “I am Rivka and I can decide. Nature isn’t welcoming for an outdoor ceremony right now. And it’s not the space where the ceremony takes place that’s important. It’s the intent behind the ceremony and the open hearts of participants that make it sacred. We can have it at my studio tomorrow. It’s Sunday, so no classes are scheduled. You find out when they can all come, and make sure they get there. I’ll set up the ceremony.”

  Gayle hugged Paige enthusiastically. “Perfect,” she said. “And I think Cleo should come too, because I know they’ll have lots of questions about your contact with Sabrina.”

  Paige nodded. “Will you join us tomorrow, Cleo? We’ll get back to you with the time.”

  “I will,” I said. “Do you think we should share the thirty-day plan with all of them? I Xeroxed some copies while you were in the chamber.”

  “Yes,” Paige said. “I think we should. Sabrina said the plan is about Moxie and that we all have to fix it.”

  “But wait a minute,” Gayle said. “The plan isn’t just about Moxie. Ian and Brandi and Erik are in it too. What should we do about that?”

  “We already tried to talk to Brandi about it,” Paige said. “And that got us nowhere. And Erik is dead. But Ian is a different matter. I don’t know about talking to him about the plan, but shouldn’t we tell him that I contacted his mother’s spirit—that we know Sabrina is gone?”

  Gayle jumped up. “You’re right,” she said, pacing the room. “We have to tell Ian. But omigod, this will devastate him. Brandi has him totally convinced that Sabrina is still alive. We’ll be wiping out his hope.” She turned to me. “How should we tell him, Cleo?”

  Tricky. Oh so tricky. No way I wanted either of them going to Ian to tell him Paige’s contact session was proof that his mother was dead. “We have to be very careful,” I said. “Contacting a spirit in my apparition chamber doesn’t prove the person is dead.”

  “But I saw her!” Paige said. “She was a spirit floating in that mirror.
What else could it mean?”

  “Some people would say you hallucinated her image,” I said. “Or even worse, that the three of us conspired to show Sabrina is dead so we could get Ian and Sabrina’s estate away from Brandi. I’m sure she’d say that.”

  Gayle scowled. “So you think we shouldn’t tell Ian? Wouldn’t it be just as wrong to keep it a secret from him?”

  “Yes,” I said. “I want to let him know what Paige saw. But I’d like to tell him myself so I can tell him about the apparition chamber and answer his questions. You two go ahead and set up the Moxie meeting and I’ll talk with Ian.”

  Chapter 29

  Saturday evening

  A wave of exhaustion swept over me on my way home from meeting with Paige and Gayle. As I picked my way along the icy sidewalk to my car, shivering in the cold, dark evening, I realized that I wasn’t yet used to the toll pregnancy was taking on my energy. Probably just as well that Pablo was working and staying in Longmont tonight. I barely had the energy to scramble myself some eggs and collapse in front of the TV.

  Which was exactly what I did. And then promptly fell asleep on the couch.

  “Yo, Cleo.”

  I jolted awake and saw Tyler crouched on his surfboard, knees bent, legs wide, arms outstretched, as an unseen wave tossed him around my living room. I felt seasick.

  “Tyler! Slow down. You’re making me dizzy and sick to my stomach.”

  He cruised back over to the couch and hovered just above my feet.

  “Don’t blow it, Cleo. Grab Ian’s wave before he takes a nosedive.”

  “I barely even know Ian. What kind of nosedive is he about to take? What do you want me to do for him?”

  “Ian hits the surf like the Duke. He’s outrageous. But he’s in the fog. Doesn’t know which line to take. Don’t let him get swallowed.”

  “Doesn’t know which line to take? What do you mean? Are you talking about what happened to Sabrina? He’s not the only one. No one knows.”

  “You’re in the channel, Cleo. Don’t bail on him.”

  “If you’re saying I should tell him about Paige contacting Sabrina in the apparition chamber, I’m already planning on doing that. As soon as I get a chance.”

  “Tick, tock,” Tyler said as he floated away through the wall.

  I looked at my watch. 7:30 p.m.

  My phone rang. “Hey girl, what’s up with you?” Elisa boomed. “I haven’t heard from you since Maria and I left Thursday morning.”

  I filled her in on Brandi and Erik’s Friday night visit and how Pablo walked in just at the right minute. Then I blew her mind with the info about Erik’s fatal collision in the icy pileup. She waited until I got through it all before she exploded. “Whew, girl! You’ve been busy. I can’t believe you didn’t call right away about Brandi and Erik showing up on your doorstep, and her YouTube video, and Erik’s claim that he might have some information about where Sabrina is. You know how I like to be kept in the loop.”

  “Sorry,” I muttered, “I was …”

  “Never mind your excuses. You didn’t even call about Erik’s crash! Now that’s some news. You must feel relieved.”

  “I hate to say I’m glad someone’s dead,” I said. “But in his case, I admit…”

  Elisa interrupted again. “Don’t apologize. I want to sing the wicked witch is dead myself. You know I worry about you and with Erik gone for good, I can breathe a little easier. How did Brandi take the news? Have you talked to her?”

  “Oh, yeah. Get this. She wants to go into my apparition chamber to try to contact Erik. Says she still believes he knows something about where Sabrina is. Of course I said no, and of course she’s furious.”

  “Do you think she’s right that Erik did know where Sabrina is?”

  “I doubt it. They’re both big-time liars who will say whatever they think will get them what they want. Brandi admitted she lied about Erik calling her when Sabrina and her friends went up to Indian Peaks. And she admits she did it so people would believe Sabrina is still alive.”

  “Do you think she actually believes Sabrina is still alive?”

  “I don’t know. She says she can ‘feel’ Sabrina’s presence.”

  “What do you think?”

  “Paige went into my apparition chamber today and contacted Sabrina. She was very clear that she saw Sabrina’s spirit and talked to her and that she really is dead.”

  “Whoa! Does Brandi believe Sabrina is dead now that Paige had that contact session?”

  “Brandi doesn’t know about it. Besides Paige and me, you and Gayle are the only ones who know right now.

  “Are you planning to tell Brandi?”

  I updated Elisa on the visit Paige, Gayle and I had made to Brandi after Paige found Sabrina’s thirty-day plan. “She threw us out and threatened legal action,” I said, “so, no, I don’t plan to call her. Anyway, it’s not like someone found Sabrina’s body. A contact session isn’t proof of death.”

  “True,” Elisa said. “So you won’t be telling the police either?”

  “I can’t imagine the police would take me seriously,” I said. “Even Pablo is skeptical about my spirit contacts. But I am thinking I should talk to Ian. It seems wrong not to at least let him know what Paige saw. What do you think? You know him better than I do.”

  Elisa was silent for a minute, then said, “Actually Ian is one of the reasons I called. Apparently Brandi has decided that she and Ian are moving to Park City, Utah. The top-rated snowboarding halfpipe coach lives there, and he’s agreed to coach Ian. Maria is having a complete meltdown. But Ian is excited about the move, says Maria can fly out for weekends. No way I’ll be letting her do that, given the type of supervision Brandi is likely to provide. So Maria’s even more pissed at me than she was the other night.” Loud sigh.

  Uh-oh. This must be what Tyler was talking about when he said Ian’s in the fog and I have to help him. But what could I do? Of course Ian would be excited to work with the best coach. And, given what Sabrina had written about him in her thirty-day plan, he’d probably be glad to be in a new school[LO1] that might be less demanding, as well as continuing to live with Brandi who won’t make him put schoolwork first.

  “Wow! Brandi’s taking Ian and leaving the state,” I said. “I’m thinking she wants to get Ian as far away from Gayle and the other Moxie women as she can. You wouldn’t think she could take him out of the state, but she’s been working with a lawyer so I assume they have it all figured out.”

  “And they’re not wasting any time about it,” Elisa said. “She’s planning to go right away so Ian can start school there after the holidays.”

  Uh, oh. I realized that my chances of talking to Ian were going down the drain quickly. This must be what Tyler meant by “tick, tock.” I had promised Gayle and Paige that I would tell Ian about Paige’s contact with Sabrina, and the push from Tyler had added to my resolve. But I was still a little nervous about doing it.

  “How do you think Ian would react if I tell him about Paige contacting his mom in the apparition chamber?” I asked.

  “That’s a hard call.” Elisa said. “I don’t know him that well. He mostly talks about sports—at least when I’m around. Aside from that night at your house, we haven’t talked about his mother. You’re the grief therapist. How do you think he might react?”

  “Probably not well,” I said. “He might be devastated that there’s a sign that his mother isn’t alive, or he might think the whole thing is a fake, or he might be upset that someone other than him talked to his mother’s spirit. But I think I have to tell him.”

  “I agree,” Elisa said. “Other people know, so he should too. Ian and Maria are hanging out with some friends in Boulder tonight. Do you want me to call her and see if they can stop by your house?”

  I didn’t really want to see them right then, but I knew it wouldn’t get easier by putting it off. And, Tyler’s “tick, tock” rang in my ears.

  “Okay,” I said, “if they can come before 9:00. But don
’t give them any specifics, okay? Just say something like ‘a few things have come up about his mom that I’d like to talk to him about.’”

  § § §

  Maria and Ian were on my doorstep at 8:30. Maria was scrunched into her coat, her face barely visible. “My mom said you had some important news about Ian’s mom,” she said, her words rushing out. “Do you know where his mom is?”

  Ian hung back silently, his face serious, brow furrowed. My heart rate went up. Maybe this meeting was a big mistake.

  I ushered them into the living room where I had a fire going and hot chocolate and cookies ready. We sat—them on the couch, me in a chair. “Thanks for coming by,” I said. “What I have to tell you may seem a little strange to you, Ian. Feel free to accept it or reject it. I just feel like I have to give you this information.”

  “Sure,” he said, stiffening a little.

  His wariness before I even told him anything concerned me. I could see I wasn’t getting off to a good start with him. I decided to back off and talk to Maria in hopes he’d relax a bit. “Maria, you know a lot about my Contact Project,” I said. “Have you told Ian anything about it?”

  She shook her head, and looked down at her hands. “Not really,” she said. “It’s kind of hard to explain.”

  Not what I was hoping to hear. Looked like I’d have to start from the beginning. And, like Maria said, it’s hard to explain. I started with Grampa, how much I loved him, how much I missed him after he died, how I finally tried setting up the apparition chamber to see if I could contact him, and how good I felt when I talked to his spirit. Ian avoided my eyes, mostly looking down as I talked. Maria held his hand but remained silent.

  I plunged on, going through my use of the apparition chamber with grief therapy clients and how contacting spirits of loved ones had helped them accept their losses. Ian jiggled his foot while I talked, then held up his free hand, palm facing me. “Stop,” he said. “Are you trying to tell me I should go into your chamber and try to contact my mom? Because I don’t want to do that.”